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BL/TDS Self-Harm Support: Thread 4

today I spent some where I could have been cutting myself thing to better myself. Yeah by doing someting girly I guess, but I gave myself a man interpertation of what a manicure is (never had one or not what is involved, but I tried to make my nails look good, and put a base layer of nail polish on after trying to make them look nice).

I'm gonna go on a walk and smoke some stogs, eat a few more k pins, and hope the next 2 days go by quick, so I can get to my neuro appts to see about some meg changes. I'm gonna give myself till after the the neuro appt to take 90mg of of hydrocodone I got, even if I get a script for oxy, hydro, methadone, or morphine. I'll have a fun day but not abuse meds scripted to me.

Also even though it was through txts, I sent my mom a bunch of texts telling her I've been really depressed, basically said I tried to kill myself with out actually saying it but she knew what i ment, told her what I fell the way I feel, and said I was going to vacuum, windex, and clean the bathroom, because I told her I felt bad she put up with all my crap, and me being a bad son. I wanted to show that I appreciate there help, even though I may disagree drastically with the way the handle things. I admitted they had to put up with alot, so I owe them my appreciation. I also gave them a qucik summery of my life, and how I never went to any one from help starting in elementry school, was made fun of, picked on (physically abused and verbally), and the reason why I refuse to do anything less than a chem degree to get a degree in pharmacology because I've never achieved anything I've set for myself to do in my life. I want one thing for myself and for my who life, and that was to learn about how the world works and I will eo it.

sorry I'm on alot of drugs
 
SplatChrome said:
today I spent some where I could have been cutting myself thing to better myself. Yeah by doing someting girly I guess, but I gave myself a man interpertation of what a manicure is (never had one or not what is involved, but I tried to make my nails look good, and put a base layer of nail polish on after trying to make them look nice).
Click to expand...

hahahaaa awesome...

there is nothing wrong with that except feeling like there should be. women are all in touch with their endorphins/serotonin and stuff :\ and for good reason.

i guess what i did "girly" today was taking a bath with a cup or so of baking soda, and rose and sandalwood soap =D whitened my teeth and exfoliated/scrubbed my feet with pumice and some Ayurveda Chandraka(personal charm) soap. lol


feels good to me, better then anything.
really it is a chemical reaction, you build new habits/addictions, senses of esteem and find new ways to transcend in a productive way the shit of your day.

placebo is a powerful thing
 
As much as I don't want to think about the girl anymore, she told me she notices how guys nails look, and would never let anyone with nasty nails touch her. Not that I was thinking, oh I'll clean my nails and be able to have sex with her, I decided to take her advice and make them look appealing, and honestly they really do. (Also, I'm a crossdress or, well have a mild case of transgenderism if you with. I like being a man, but if I had the choice I have been born a women. Now I'd like to be a "women" once in a while, particularly in a relationship [lesbian partners] for an evening.)

I'm really truing to avoid cutting myself till atleast after my appt on tuesday with the counselor. Today I'm gonna keep myself busy. I just really wish I knew when I could take this 100mg of hydrocodone I got laying around with out wasting it. I know on the 19th around 12pm I took 40mg, around 5pm I took 30mg, and around 10pm I took 20 mg of methadone. So over the 60mg amount which would waste it. I want to make sure i can avoid WDing and take the 100mg of hydrocodone.
 
I found my old knife that is still sharp and after the appt with the neurologist I might start cutting. I can't feeling bad. Being high on drugs made it easier to get through my day and actually be productive. Even when the methadone wasn't getting my super high, more like a nice mood life and drive to things. I'd talk alot, my axieties were limited, everything was so much better. Now I feel like I want to die again. I don't know if I'm gonna be able to pass this prep class, Im way to depressed.
 
Splat, pls take a second, talk to herby... Ur only a young person, none of us want to see you unnessaceraly fuckin urself up, seek some help n get ya self stitched up if uve gone to town. concerned bout ya hey<3
 
Hey guys, I haven't been around in a while so I figured I best check in with you all :)
I'm doing really well with my self harm, I can barely remember the last time I did it, but I do know that before I cut again I had been clean for about 4 months or so.

Life seems to be going pretty freaking perfectly for me lately, I have been surrounding myself with the most amazing and supportive friends, I have recently started seeing a pretty awesome guy and I've been having the time of my life.....pretty sure 2012 is going to be my year. I've even managed to stay off the drugs, which had been super tempting, but I know what I'm like and I know if I had touched them when I was feeling like shit I would either be dead or heavily addicted.

Hope everyone is well, I've missed you guys :D
 
Me too! That really is fantastic, and I am sure that reading a post like that will give other people hope that things do improve and that there is light at the end of the tunnel. Huge congratulations on keeping clean and not cutting, it sounds like you are doing amazingly! :D <3
 
2012 is my year too, mine and my family are going to get what help we need and deserve <3 my hardwork has pain off and i would kill for my family's survival
 
billyswifey it is so nice to hear from you hun! And even better to hear that you're doing so well <3 Thanks for checking in, and keep up the good work!! :)

Doomed, I very much hope for you that 2012 is a fantastic year! <3
 
^ thanks sweetie. I am getting urges to cut myself. Last night i smashed my bad hand into the wall, pain, panic and excess adrenaline got the better of me, i knew it would really, really hurt but i did it anyway. Now it is building up to screaming, blood curdling, piercing agony levels again and i am not sure how much longer i can resist it.... :(
 
^^ Honey I'm sorry to hear that :( I know how strong the urges are when they come, but please just try to relax and get through each moment as it comes. You can do this <3


I've been having urges again lately too, I actually found myself with a knife in my hand up against the skin on my arm the other night before I even realised what I was doing! Luckily I was able to catch myself before I did anything, and put the knife away. Phew.
 
Seems everyday lately I've had an urge. Haven't acted on it since the Sunday before last. I've hid my knife away that I use and never remember where I throw it after a session which is probably a good thing as I've been to depressed to look for it, ha!

I'll probably stick to the usually crying myself to sleep routine instead.
 
I just PMed you before I read this Splat. Hope you are still online and read this. It will get better. I know it will. <3<3
 
U in my thoughts Splat.... I really hope that things will be on the up for you soon.... Was half worried i hadnt seen you around since the last time you posted, Glad that ur still with us hey <3
 
Thanks guys! :D I don't think I'll be hunting for something sharp tonight. I feel like I can fall asleep feeling today was a success. One day at a time.
 
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