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BL/TDS Self-Harm Support: Thread 4

^ You are such a strong lady - I know you have the strength to resist. When darkness and pain hit us hard, all we can do is take it one moment at a time - I try to think everytime I breathe out "that is another breath I have got through without falling apart, and another breath closer to this lifting" - I've literally spent days counting my breaths like that at times, but each one you take reinforces the fact that you are getting through this without giving in and that you are coping.

I am so sorry you don't have the right medication at the moment :( but you will do, and it is only a few breaths away (give or take). It sounds strange but for me, really trying to live in the moment when I am in pain really helps - you would think the opposite would be true, but if you live in the moment, you only have to deal with that one moment, rather than being daunted by getting through the next hour etc..

Sending you much <3
 
I live in moments everyday of my life. I look at the clock and think oh i got 10 mins of distraction, let's try another 10 etc. it helps but means i cannot make plans at all.

I snapped a rubber band on my wrist instead in the end.

Thanks for your advice though :) <3
 
You know, as I clicked "post" I thought.. she will already know this. But I wanted you to know that I was thinking of you and you are not alone <3
 
Today, I did. matter at work revolted me so much I could not cerebrate of a cooping means; an easy way to relax. It's not a majorlesion by anyways, nor did perpetrated it very muh pain, it was the visuals. I did a venipuncture with a 8(!) needle into the radial vein and watched it flow. Lots and lots of rolling down my arm and dripped off my finger, seems to sooth me, despte knowing how fuck that is.

I properly dressed and ensured that hemorrhage had stopped, so no worries.

But I feel low for resorting to this. So what if someone died at work? It happens all the time . I am supposed to be immune to it It should not affect me so... I see often several tmes/day.

<3 Elizabeth
 
Hope you are ok sugar i just cannot cope with this liquid nitrogen, fire and electrical live wires i have for nerves. It hurts sooooooo much
 
Splat, I know that when you have watched your life deconstruct like that--school, job, relationships--it can feel like that is you deconstructing. This is not so. You are the person still inside watching it all go. You can have it all back in time. You can go back to school when you are ready (at any age!), you can look for another job when you get some balance and relationships are always better and more stable when you are stable.

Right now you need to get help for what you have just taken. Please let someone IRL know what you have taken and seek medical attention. You need help and you deserve to have it. Please don't wait!
<3
 
D2P: It sounds to me like you must be strong until the right specialist who is not afraid to write on h/his RX finally comes to care for you. I know this will happen at some point. Be strong until then.
 
SplatChrome said:
Just overdrafted a bit of cash for a couple hundred methadone, and have already consumed 70mg methadone with 4.5mg of clonazepam (2.5mg in the last 2 hours) and 750mg of tramadol (most earlier in the day). Being a dumbass with myself, but I really don't care atm. I hate everyone and want to never to pretend I'll find people who will respect me and actually make me happy. Fuck, I'm a piece of trash in the first place. Suck at everything, never accomplished anything. I'm just a poly-abuse drug addict living at home after dropping out from school with no job because I quite my last one like an idiot. I fucked up every relationship I get involved in, and am always left alone. I just want to drift away and feel nothing ever again.
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Splat, please believe me, things do get better. Friednships ebb and flow - I have had long periods in my life when I feel like I don't have anyone at all, then out of the blue someone comes along. This is not a permanent state... it's extra-hard when you have multiple things to deal with, but if you just take one tiny step to tackle one area, you start to feel so much better, and that makes you stronger so the other areas don't weigh you down so much. It's like a negative spiral but in reverse :)

Do you have anyone to talk to IRL - family member, old friend you may have forgotten about?

I understand wanting to drift away into numbness, but what you are feeling and the situation you are in is only temporary, however permanent it might feel. While you are still here there is always hope, and opportunities.

Much <3
 
SplatChrome said:
Im calling my counselor again and going to leave him a message saying over christmas I cut myself real bad that really needed to have stitches, and really need help. I hope I can get him to call me back.
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Splat, that is a really good idea to call your counsellor, and if they don't call back, try them again until they do answer, okay? I PMd you yesterday, I'd love to hear back when you get a chance. Take care of yourself okay? <3
 
SplatChrome said:
I'm thinking if I don't get this job on tuesday that I have an interview for, I might kill myself by the end of the week. Instead of failing last time by downing a bunch of pills that just made me fall asleep for a while, I have a stash built up to stop myself from breathing another breath. I'm done with this. If I don't get the job, this will be the last failure I'll ever make. My future is pretty much fucked because I can't accomplish the things I've been wanting my whole life, because my whole life I've spent it failing, and failing at e everything I do. I'll see how tomorrow goes and then decided when I want to die.


I called the counselor again today saying I really hurt myself bad before christmas and I am really dpressed right now, so I really need help. I didn't tell him I was suicidal of course. I will not end up in the luney bin, and not be busted with enough illegal drugs to put me away for a while making me kill myself even more because that would ruin my life.
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sounds like you have you have a sense of esteem, as in you feel you have something to contribute...

what is it in general that you are wanting to do with yourself ?


most people are content to just do what seems best, they have no drive no passion, simply content. sounds nice maybe, but, to you i doubt it. why do i think so? because you left open too much room for hope - you know your life is not ruined, because you feel that if you went to jail it would then be...
 
no thats not hard to understand, and you sound like me in ways, only much more successful, also similarly especially hard on yourself, to the point that you maybe as i will attempt to maybe self sabotage - senselessly as if there is something to avoid which needs to be done...


your pride and ego is taking a major hit my man, these things do not matter ultimately - they only confuse our true intentions in life. there is something you are working for, trying for and beating yourself up over. it almost sounds like you want to share life so bad that you are willing to undersell yourself, just to do so, and since you seem to believe you can not do so honestly, would you would rather lose your life. no man, you have lots to do, love yourself for now, take care of yourself more, you seem like all of us as if you need to look after yourself first and then share what you have.


<3
 
I really hope it doesn't some down to that for you Splat. I know how horrible it is to be messed around like that, the difference in mindset between the people who think it's OK to put you off for another day and have no appreciation of the fact you have everything riding on them doing what they said they were going to do.

It also sounds like you're a intelligent guy - even if you didn't finish your chem degree, 3 years of a pure science degree is still impressive. I'm also in the same boat as you there - I'm 2 years into a electronic engineering degree that I still intend to go back and finish.

I've been in the same place as you are now too, a few months ago, and I know that it's hard to hear any words that it might get better without dismissing them as untrue. But this does pass. Please try and hang onto that thought. And please don't be so hard on yourself.
 
well it wouldnt be an accident then, and id sure hate to even take the slight chance of having to start over, maybe next time with out your intelligence, sense of individuality, and psychical well-being.

you are at an age where these thoughts and feelings catch up to people, and we start wondering what more there is, some call it a 'quarter-life-crisis'. that plus the methadone and BZD's do induce and exasperate symptoms of depression and/or anxiety.

feeling used by a person we care for is rather depressing too.


these things can be over-came with patience and the acceptance of our lives circumstances and the acknowledgment that it does get better, by allowing it to. what ever better is, is up to you, and how much better, is entirely your choice.
 
I'm gonna stop whining and complaining. My life is a mess and my only options are to fix it or to kill myself. Thankfully to the methadone, I'm not ultra depressed while on it. when I'm on it I rather take some to get high rather than use it to kill myself. I'm gonna be afraid when I run out because I'm going to want to kill myself, but wont have the right drugs to do so. 1 bottle of clonazepam (now with less than my prescribed 2mg/day full bottle) and a bottle of probably 3,500mg of tramadol will not kill me at all. I know this from first hand, as I've swallowed even more than that amount of both drugs and didn't die.

I've talked to all my good friends from home who've I've ignored and I do feel better, especially since they were not mad for me ignoring them. They were happy I called and that I didn't kill myself. Since they are so far away it just isn't enough in the long run. I can't talk to the women who I'd give anything to talk to right now. If it wasn't for the night almost 2 weeks ago I feel like I'd be having a good night with her tonight talking. She was my everything, and was the person who made it so I didn't kill myself when I first moved back home. We started a wonderful relationship and I know I ruined it all. I probably could have talked to her tonight If I didn't freak out on her last night as I got suicidally psychotic and assumed the worst from seeing something that could have meant absolutely nothing. I probably completely destroyed the relationship in the last two days. I think I can communicate with her next week, but who knows how much of her feelings are gone. I was falling in love with her and I will still have the same feelings even if she is crazy. (Call me crazy but I bought her a piece of jewelry worth $45 I'm gonna send her in probably a week or two.

I also been getting fucked around at this one restaurant that I've applied to, they keep telling me to come in for an interview and every time theres noone there to interview me. This has happened 4 times... I went out and applied to a few more jobs and will apply to at least 10 more place tomorrow (making for a total of 45 places in the past 2 months). Who knows whats gonna happen.

In feb I'll taking a class to get a national certificate which will help me get a job everywhere in the country so I guess no matter what happens I'll ride on that and use it to move where ever I want. I still will most likely be heart broken though.

Oh well, even though I feel like my heart is torn out, I feel better on this methadone than I have in the past few days.
 
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^awesome .



you are getting all sorts of shit thrown at you, and it is your right to decide which "drama" you will allow to stick, it is also your right to learn from what has stuck. there is always a sense of confidence that comes after handling these situations, and the ability to then foresee future dramas, and the knowledge of how to best handle them is guaranteed later in life.

have you considered your twos relationship might be a toxic one?


this doesnt sound fair for either of you.


no we are not given more then we can handle, and so if you get more then you have ever imagined or cared to, this is a good sign that what is to come later, is that much better then where you are at this moment.
(i can promise that much)

:)
 
It's great that you are going to be making all these changes, Splat! And as far as opening up, you are doing it with ease here; try to use the positive responses you get from people here to help you believe that you have nothing to be embarrassed or ashamed about. (Usually what we are afraid of when it is hard to open up.) Remember, if this therapist does not jive with you, keep looking! It can get exhausting to find the good fit but once you do, it makes all the difference. Good luck.<3
 
^ life really is like that - so full of peaks and troughs, and often we can't pinpoint why we are where we are.. beating yourself up about whether it is your fault or not is no good - what happened happened, there are always myriad reasons why people turn to the needle and become addicted, and you can't change the past - but you can decide what path you want to take now :)

Needle addiction (as opposed to drug addiction) is well recognised and you are certainly not alone there. Try to stay strong.. there is a world of difference between logically knowing where a path leads, and really believing it and acting upon it - but recognising that it is a bad path is the first step for sure. Stay strong, you can do it <3
 
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