Mental Health Bipolar Disorder Mega Thread

[paranoid android]

My 1st time to this thread/forum .. oddly fitting that on Page 1 my old chat buddy said something I now have experienced personally .. is PA still around? I hope so.

I experienced regular ol' depression for 12 years or so, not knowing anything about manic depression. Somewhere in my 20s, things subtley changed for me, and I began experiencing the rollercoaster of the cyclical bipolar experience. I can't be sure if this happened during a Summer of LSD/MDMA use, or if it began years before and I just never noticed / knew what to look for.

Other than trying a few standard anti-Ds and a bad month on Depakote, I've been taking lamotragine + risperidone alone for over.a year with pretty good results. Virtually no side effects, my mania/depression/psychosis are noticably reduced.
Sometimes I do not think the drugs are working well, but every time I have quit has been waking hell .. whether that is a resumption of symptoms, or drug withdrawl, I am uncertain.

I will have to browse through this thread the best I can on my old phone.
I was just prescribed nortryptaline, which at first glance is part anti-D / part bipolar med; hopefully there's some info on this class of drug (tricylcic?) In this thread, cos i'd never heard of it unil last week when I got the Rx. Very nervous about adding yet another drug to my system. Received an RX for lorazepam at the same time, never tried a benzo before, but it does not seem to have any effect on me.

I'm still around don't worry . Man i was wondering wtf had happened to you! We really need to catch up soon cause it's been fuckin ages

Sorry to hear that you've been diagnosed with bipolar man that sucks . I was also on the lamictal and risperidone combo and it worked ok but the risperidone sometimes had a bad effect on me such as making me experience a sort of numb depression or turn a manic state into a mixed state which is worse by miles. So now i am back on the lamictal and seroquel even though seroquel doesn't work that great for me it is more tolerable then risperidone for me. Zyprexa works great for me with no side effects even at the max dose but of course that's not covered under my drug plan and costs a fortune so i'm stuck with seroquel for now.

Nortriptyline is a tricyclic anti-depressant that is a active metabolite of amitriptyline. It is a norepinephrine reuptake inhibitor and of course also a anti-cholinergic. It is supposed to be less sedating then amitriptyline is. I took amitriptyline for years and although doctors usually don't like giving tricyclics for bipolar depression (even though they seem to be no worse then SSRI's and certainly no worse then SNRI's like venlafaxine aka effexor) i never found it to be that bad for causing mood swings. I was put on it for neuropathic pain but it also helped my depression alot and was hands down the best sleep med i have ever been on. This was all before i was diagnosed bipolar. When i was diagnosed bipolar the med had started crapping out on me anyway and after a few months of being on amitriptyline with seroquel and divalproex (epival, depakote) i was taken off the amitriptyline and put on wellbutrin instead. The wellbutrin really helped alot and i still take it these days especially during the winter as it does help SAD alot.

I would say give the nortriptyline a try just watch out for mania and go to your doctor at the first sign of mania or a mixed state or any suicidal thoughts.

Hang in there my mang

 

[Illyria99]

Anybody ever get these weird flashes, like you're afraid you're gonna just jump in front of traffic or knock everything off of a shelf?....I get these weird thoughts, I don't act on them but they come up sometimes...

Yes, I've had these.

 

[love10s]

Yes or slap someone dead in the mouth while they're talking it happens.

 

[AlphaMethylPhenyl]

Well, my only definitive diagnosis from the doctor I trust is bipolar two, rapid cycling. I was on neuroleptics from March 2012 to about four days ago in varying doses - as low as .125mg risperidone per day and as high as 234mg (or however much it is) paliperidone per month, meaning over 5mg risperidone per day. Being off is a trip, almost literally. My mood can go from definitively suicidal to 95% content (in other words, more than most people) in seconds. So thankfully I never am suicidal for long enough to even develop a plan. Still, if I wasn't on clonazepam and amphetamine I probably would have crushed my fucking skull from all the shit its given me in the past couple days. No need to worry though. The thought of my family cages me in this respect. And that I know enough to be able to take out the vengeance I feel by productive means when I'm older, with an education. I feel better posting here than the suicide support thread because these are my brethren.

Fish oil really does help. Unfortunately though it doesn't help with the lack of energy. Aripiprazole was a really great medicine for me in that it helped with anhedonic depression, low energy levels, mood swings, psychotic symptoms etc. all at once.

I can't stand medicines that don't have activating qualities for me; they seem to really calm me down instead of leaving my mind to be absorbed by stupid Nietzsche. That means stimulants or gabaergics. Bupropion was the perfect medicine for me for a while, but it made me more stupid than was acceptable. I was moderately happy as an alcoholic, but I would have broken down fairly fast if I continued to drink like that. I tried every major drug and most combinations you can think of which would help bi-polar with a strong component of attention malfunction and depression.

I found one that worked, but I couldn't really feel that much. After experiencing amphetamine I'm not down for mania, its not that, its about not being able to cry after reading about how a metal-tipped tube was shoved into the lungs of a hunger-strike victim who's being tortured on the reg while my neighbors have a high-school graduation party. I wanted to stand in front of everybody and barf until I couldn't stand, then become catatonic for ten years. Luckily that feeling passed pretty fast. But I cried on and off, and I still do, because of that story. Its not injustice, its failure of humanity.

What separates me from the masses is that I don't abuse my meds. I don't care how smart I am.

I think only Mirtazepine and Venlafaxine or MAOIs can really help me. Maybe SSRIs are neurogenic substances but they do cause inflammation, long-term studies haven't been adequately conducted, and they make a lot of people not care about people; nevertheless I will conduct more research on the topic. I feel so much while off paroxetine. I feel for you.

I don't want to be on any medicine that has a low therapeutic ratio for obvious reasons, and anything that impacts my cognition profoundly changes me so that it really must be a miracle cure for me to be on it, hence the benzo. Paroxetines strong antichollinergic effects and aripiprazoles limit on dopamine binding limit my cognition, while they both give me a skin, or a fake composure. To be sure, every drug does this to a fair extent, but the ones I'm on offer the most freedom in this respect.

Anyways, I have more to say but my mind is clouded. I must respond to a different thread. Peace.

One last thing: you can make it through anything if I could quit all this shit at the same time. I'm not that strong.

 

[Illyria99]

If someone gets an attitude with me or tries to make a "smart-ass" comment to me, even if it's passive-aggressive and kind of "hidden", I just get these flashes of rage! I think, "You wanna be smug with me? You'd regret it if I smashed your face in!"...And then, I get this visualization of just beating the living fuck out of this person!

I totally relate to this.

 

[red_bandit]

Should I be afraid of ALL recreational drug use?

Hey all! This was a nice thread to chance upon! It's always good to read about how other people are tackling this thing. I was diagnosed bipolar I + co-morbid ADHD about 7 years ago at age 27 but I've probably been experiencing symptoms since my early teens. I have a textbook family tree for mental illness - mother is bipolar II, brother ADHD, sister GAD/ADHD, paternal grandmother MDD/GAD, etc - so maybe I should've expected it. Regardless, after the usual rounds of trial-and-error, I was stable for the most part for about 4 years on 300mg Lamictal, 5mg Abilify, 600mg Seroquel, 80mg Strattera daily, and 0.5mg clonazepam and 10mg dexmethylphenidate as needed.

Then something totally freaky happened: I developed medication-induced lupus from years of being on Lamictal. It's rare, but it happens. And it took forever to figure out what was wrong. So I had to say goodbye to Lamictal which sucked because it really was a good drug for me. It's the best mood stabilizer out there in terms of effectiveness with very few side effects. However, I did notice after stopping it that I felt much more like "me". In retrospect, I definitely think it dulled me cognitively and, obviously, emotionally.

Without a mood stabilizer, I made the mistake lots of us make: I decided to re-evaluate my regimen by tapering off everything. What followed was a year of rapid cycling, manic psychosis, and crippling depression. I was self-medicating heavily with opiates even before dropping my psych meds but my use escalated throughout 2012. By December, I was oscillating out of control which culminated in a terrifying mixed state that put be back in the hospital on New Years Day 2013.

Now, I'm opiate-free and have a great new pdoc. He put me on a relatively low dose of lithium (600mg/day vs the 1200mg/day I was taking when I first tried it). It seems to be doing the trick without making me feel like I have holes in my brain and with such a low dose I don't have to have blood tests as often. I'm also on Wellbutrin SR (300mg/day) which is AWESOME. I also take 15mg Focalin XR 2x/day for the ridiculous ADHD issues. Everything else - primarily anxiety - I'm learning to deal with through therapy.

So for right now, this is a great cocktail for me and I hope it continues to work. I feel like me for the first time in years. I haven't tripped or rolled or anything in over 18 months and I miss those journeys a great deal. I'm worried about fucking up the balance I've got going on right now though.

I'd be interested in hearing other people's experiences. What are the important things you think someone with bipolar disorder should consider before using LSD or MDMA, for example - other than start small and go slow?

Thanks, guys! Sorry about the long-ass post 8)

Namaste

 

[AlphaMethylPhenyl]

hey there red_bandit,

Its really no problem. Some people write multiple-page posts. Bluelight is here to accommodate your health! Good to hear that you're stable now.

I'm technically bi-polar too, with a strong component of attention malfunction. I used opiates in the past but never will in the future. Believe it or not I also recently decided to taper off my medicine, but not all of it. For me, this was a good decision. I would personally rather run the risk of sometimes having unstable moods than, as I like to put it, "be put to sleep".

I don't think you'll like my advice, but I'll give it anyways because I believe that if you take it you'll be better off in the long-run: in order for you to be healthy, you need to not take LSD or MDMA, especially considering the medication you're on. I'm sure you'll understand why this is the best course of action.

 

[Sprout]

I'm diagnosed Cyclothymic because I knew how to play my Psych to get a "lesser" diagnosis/diagnoses.

Don't ever fucking make my mistake. I'm now in a serious mixed episode with no meds, no psych and and no fucking hope.
Tried suicide the last time I was this bad, all because I am honestly terrified of a fucking label!
I'm a Russell Group Scientist (or soon to be) but I have no chance of that if I turn up and say "Oh, by the way, I may annually become incredibly psychotic and suicidal and do the most ridiculous shit, but deal with it". No hope that way, no chance.

I'm ill, but I'll remain so if it means I can make my own mark on the world. fuck. Mind's racing.

 

[SilverFeniks]

Reduced my meds by 20% recently. Gave me a nice manic edge and put some color back in life. Suffered some bad insomnia tho.
Feeling frustrated/angry/hopeless lately but that might just be the heat.

Haven't been taking the tricyclic I was prescribed, but I don't think I should have been given it. My HMO Doctor is so incompetent.
Planning on switching my heath insurance in a few months, even though I feel incapable of managing my own health care, and don't have time to see a Doctor. Not sure how that's going to play out, but can't think that far into the future anyway.
Have a ton to worry about in the meantime.
So naturally I Just started using opiates again, first time in many years, guess I needed something to replace cannabis with (can't handle the anxiety/paranoia any more)
10 times better and 10 times more expensive, guess I won't be buying a truck or compuer this Summer now
At least I am drinking less. Still can't drop those 2 beers a day, though, iced tea just isn't enough when its 97 degrees with no AC

 

[izzy66]

I went through years of bullshit w/ psychologists and psychiatrists. I tried to believe the crap they told me and was compliant w/ taking meds. Over about 15 yrs i was on Mellaril, Risperdal, Seroquel, Lithium, Klonopin, and prob more i've forgotten. I took just 1 Paxil and it spun me into full blown mania.
I still have my moments but since i tapered off all psych meds and fixed some negative situations in my life, i've not had any wild swings in either direction.
I resent all the lost years but i did participate and sign their damn paperwork. Like the old saying goes, "if only i knew then what i know now..."
-izzy

 

[weekend addiction]

I hate inconcistent job performance. Being an average line cook with well-above average motivation I usually kill tickets. Yesterday I switched gears abruptly. I usually swtich to depression very suddenly. I did this right before work. Spent a couple hours trying to think happy thoughts, relax, pray, etc. So I get to work and I'm just having a really off day becuase my brain was just at a fucking stand off. Wouldn't have been a problem but it was unusually hot and humid as well as very busy and I had a hard time keeping up. It was like my brain just didn't want to do what I wanted to do. Nobody got mad at me or anything but it fucking blew ass. I'm not even sure if I did a good job or not because I'm soo depressed I'm looking at every thing all shitty. But I got a couple days off to get really baked, and sleep, and eat alot. So I'm hoping Ill be back to my normal manic self by Sunday when I'm back on the line.

Anybody else fear of loosing there job due to the some times totally uncontrollable symptoms of bipolar mania?

 

[Sprout]

I hate inconcistent job performance. Being an average line cook with well-above average motivation I usually kill tickets. Yesterday I switched gears abruptly. I usually swtich to depression very suddenly. I did this right before work. Spent a couple hours trying to think happy thoughts, relax, pray, etc. So I get to work and I'm just having a really off day becuase my brain was just at a fucking stand off. Wouldn't have been a problem but it was unusually hot and humid as well as very busy and I had a hard time keeping up. It was like my brain just didn't want to do what I wanted to do. Nobody got mad at me or anything but it fucking blew ass. I'm not even sure if I did a good job or not because I'm soo depressed I'm looking at every thing all shitty. But I got a couple days off to get really baked, and sleep, and eat alot. So I'm hoping Ill be back to my normal manic self by Sunday when I'm back on the line.

Anybody else fear of loosing there job due to the some times totally uncontrollable symptoms of bipolar mania?

I had to leave education for 12 months because of my most serious episodic period - I was jumping between psychotic mania and suicidal depression every 3 or 4 days for the entire year. That's when I saw a psychiatrist and got diagnosed.
I'm starting at University in September so if I can just channel some of this Hypomanic euphoria and energy my life may lead somewhere great! :D

 

[AlphaMethylPhenyl]

I barely survived my first semester of college

I did it by vigorously exercising every day, drinking a lot of coffee, and putting every other ounce of my energy into my schoolwork

I lost my job because of my illness (not going into details)

 

[SilverFeniks]

Anybody else fear of loosing there job due to the some times totally uncontrollable symptoms of bipolar mania?

All the time ... I've nearly been fired multiple times for things I've said/done, which I knew I shouldn't have, and tried so hard to prevent, but I can't control myself when I'm really manic (or not taking enough of my bipolar/anti-psych meds like currently).

I have a 'career' I've worked hard at for almost a decade, but thanks to my past incidents I'm constantly paranoid about getting fired for another slip-up. Changed jobs recently, and now that I'm slightly undermedicated and having great difficulties adjusting to the change in work enviornment, I'm filled with this complete despair & desire to quit, but I know I'm incapable of working just about anywhere else, due to my beliefs, drug-induced brain damage, and what would happen if I lost my health insurance (stop my meds and I become a suicidal trainwreck)

I've stupidly been fighting a mortgage for years and have absolutely nothing positive yet in life to show for my years of hard work so its frustrating to face defeat on a daily basis knowing if I weren't bipolar i'd be far more successful and happy

 

[AlphaMethylPhenyl]

I'm so fucking rapid when I cycle

Its like I can be perfectly fine, then the pressure builds for ten-thirty minutes until BOOM

Then its like I'm getting assaulted by an alien force, physically and mentally. I'm hoping when I'm done with withdrawal this will be me largely just euphoric instead of experiencing all o these psychotic effects.

 

[exists]

I hate inconcistent job performance.

Or societal performance. One day I'll be talking to everybody, happy as can be and meshing quite nicely, and the next I'll have dropped into the doldrums of nodding and hand waves, with no energy for discussion or proper interaction.

That's how I have lost many jobs.

HAPPY! upset. ENERGETIC! lethargic.

That set of polar opposites is what dooms me the most. I see it like two sine waves constantly fluctuating. The worst is probably the energetic/upset combo, as that's the state in which I've burned the most bridges and have done the stupidest things. I won't go into it

 

[exists]

I'm so fucking rapid when I cycle

Me too; it takes only hours to switch... when I'm that way. It has happened before: an occasion where everybody thought I was fine... but I just snapped. The anger would build up under my mental foundation, tearing it asunder until I was at my very last piece of well-being... and then as you said, boom. Everything I had built up to keep my anger and outrage in check failed.

I try not to let it get that extreme these days, and that means not working

 

[weekend addiction]

Or societal performance. One day I'll be talking to everybody, happy as can be and meshing quite nicely, and the next I'll have dropped into the doldrums of nodding and hand waves, with no energy for discussion or proper interaction.

That's how I have lost many jobs.

HAPPY! upset. ENERGETIC! lethargic.

That set of polar opposites is what dooms me the most.

Theres that too. Sometimes I can't even think of the words to say. Conversation becomes forced, short, difficult, and painful for all involved.
.

 

[FastestGrlInTown]

I recently ended up in the psych after a particularly bad manic episode, drinking binge where I woke up in jail, and a suicide attempt. I was unmedicated before this episode, now I'm on an arsenal of meds.
Wellbutrin XL 150mg
Seroquel 150mg
Protonix 40mg
Trazadone 150mg
Adderall IR 45mg daily
Lithium (i forgot the dosage, i discontinued that mess)

Lamictal worked well for me, but gave me the dreaded rash...

 

[manicmama]

I've lost the plot and my tiger in my head is taking over, I've been up and down, up and down and trying to claw myself together over the last two months and now I can feel myself shrinking and my tiger (mania, she needs a name) is taking over.
My own fault, dropped all meds and wouldn't engage, guess its been creeping for a while, off to the doc this aft and praying they give me something, anything, even bloody quetiapine which I HATE so long as they don't take me in.
I swear I'm wired to just fuck up every time.

Sorry, I had to vent.