Better write this out while I'm feeling up to it...
I had been taking lamotrigine for the last 7 years for my bipolar II disorder. But I just recently got over a nasty rash which I thought might be caused by the lamotrigine. This rash was progressively getting worse, producing large red patches of irritated skin all over my body accompanied by raised, itchy bumps and stinging, itchy palms. Diphenhydramine did not touch it. It was starting to break out above my neckline, so I abruptly stopped taking the lamotrigine. Without consulting a doctor. The rash went away.
But now I've been experiencing even deeper bouts of depression than before. (I'm always lower than I am high.) I usually have hobbies to keep myself busy, but now I'm more apt to just stare blankly at the computer screen. As I pass into these troughs, I find it hard to communicate with anyone, let alone articulate my depressed state. I have no desire to do anything when I'm like that, and I wonder: what is the point of doing anything at all?
I've been on SSDI for the last seven years. (I used a disability lawyer firm which helped a lot.) This has kept me from being homeless and hungry, and has paid for my meds. I'm currently on mirtazapine and gabapentin. But my condition--even before quitting the lamotrigine--has not been getting any better. I lost my drivers license for life a while back and live in a secluded area, so I rarely go out. I have no friends, as I feel my life is so damaged (many issues, many poor choices) that I cannot relate to anyone. I'm stuck in a rut, becoming more frozen with each passing day. I want out.
I'm used to doing innovative and creative things, but all my ideas are like noise lately. Lots of creative sparks, but no energy to carry out anything to its completion. Every time I get started on something new, the depression sets in and I'm left parked at the curb with no drive left. Then I build myself up again, work up some useful energy... and then the cycle repeats. All the while getting older and more withdrawn.
I cycle very rapidly. I'll go for one, maybe two days feeling good, almost normal, but then I hit a low that will last for days and days. My thoughts during these periods are very negative, no bright outlook whatsoever, and I truly feel like dying (but I refuse to kill myself).
And so I wonder: how should I proceed? You'll probably say, "go see a psychiatrist," but my faith in them and the drugs they prescribe is waning. I know the emotional & psychiatric causes of my condition (I've done a lot of soul-searching), so really it's an issue of brain chemistry and forward movement at this point.
Any thoughts?