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  • TDS Moderators: AlphaMethylPhenyl | paranoid android

Bipolar disorder, health issues, drug addiction and FML!

paranoid android

paranoid android

Moderator: TDS
Staff member
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Apr 4, 2006
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This past year has basically felt like one big grind trying to live each day by day with my only hope being that i woke feel more miserable tomorrow then i do already. Currently both my bipolar disorder and various health issues have been acting up bad lately thus naturally making me use more opiates then i need. I'm not as bad as i used to be but it's hard to sit in your room all alone and totally miserable with a bottle of morphine knowing that even a half hour relief from my pain is better then nothing. My life is going nowhere at the moment and i am really beginning to hate myself. Things are getting worse and worse here so it's going to be a rough winter if i have to spend it here. My days just seem to roll into one now. The days seem short but in a weird way really long too as i just try and get through it by whatever means possible. f that includes shooting up enough dilaudid to tranquilize a horse then i figure it's atleast better then suicide :\

Right now it just feels like i am totally alone here and cut off from everyone. I hate being lonely and there is not one person here who i would actually call a real friend. The isolation combined with the rest of the garbage in my life makes it seem not worth living at all. Since i am no idiot i know that my pain will get worse as i get older not better and as fun as opiates can be sometimes be id rather just be able to take them as needed. Some days i really feel like things are never going to improve for me so why not stop this charade while i can? It's awful that i have to come up with reasons almost everyday just to avoid killing myself or atleast putting that on the back burner. Everyday is just the same and i shoot up and do anything else i can just to get through it. I am 30 fucking years old i should be traveling and worrying about nothing instead of being too sick to go anywhere and having to worry about medications and all that bullshit!

I guess this is more of a rant then anything else because I'm not sure that there is any answer to it.
 
I'm sorry you feel so alone. It sucks to be stuck in depression and think it is never going to get better. I know when I was depressed I began to write. I would sleep all day, and when I woke up for a few hours I would write a story and I would read it to my sister. It was the only thing I could do not to go crazy. I pulled myself out of the depression from it. I used to live in the pacific northwest, which was depressing in itself. Not enough sun!

I hope you get to feeling better soon.
 
It sounds like you need people to talk to and hobbies, because you're bored and possibly depressed.

You say you don't have friends? Why?
 
escapingwonderland said:
I'm sorry you feel so alone. It sucks to be stuck in depression and think it is never going to get better. I know when I was depressed I began to write. I would sleep all day, and when I woke up for a few hours I would write a story and I would read it to my sister. It was the only thing I could do not to go crazy. I pulled myself out of the depression from it. I used to live in the pacific northwest, which was depressing in itself. Not enough sun!

I hope you get to feeling better soon.
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Well i live in Atlantic Canada in the province with the most miserable weather and so much fog and rain that it makes England look like Jamaica by comparison. All the same this summer has been really hot and sunny almost everyday and usually good weather does cheer me up but it didn't this year :(

Ho-Chi-Minh said:
It sounds like you need people to talk to and hobbies, because you're bored and possibly depressed.

You say you don't have friends? Why?
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There is no possibly depressed about it as i am majorly depressed :\ . It's hard to tell how much of it is because of my bipolar disorder as opposed to my surroundings. I think alot of it is my surroundings and i need to get out of here desperately. The reason i don't have any real friends is because most of them are moved away, doing time, dead or so fucked up from drugs that even i want nothing to do with them. The 2 best friends i had in the world killed himself in a car crash years ago and the other in a hunting accident or suicide depending on who you ask. I still miss them like hell :(

There really is noone in my area in my age group that i can tolerate hanging out with. Also for some reason people my age here decided that weddings and having kids where fashionable so yeah i have no real connection with those people. I can only handle talking to your average suburbanite after a whole lot of drinks otherwise i would literally be bored to death. I admit that i am picky when it comes to who i like to hang out with but i am not anti-social by any means. it's just that there is literally noone here i can really hang out with as i live in a rural area a hour outside the city where fuck all people live and anyone with sense leaves it. I left and came back a few times so i really need my head looked after for that :|

I just feel utterly trapped like someone in a dark cave who is watching the light get weaker and weaker.
 
i can definitely relate, especially being from Atlantic Canada, although you're right the summer hasn't been bad, the shitty weather here really gets to me after a while. I've really been struggling the past 2 years and especially in the last 6 months. I have no friends either, i find it too hard to relate to others, can't keep friendships going and just get too anxious/uncomfortable around people to really enjoy it. I used to make friends at work but now i work in an isolated dungeon call centre where i speak to no one and no one speaks to me.

I don't really have any advice, i'm trying to remain stable and trying to switch up my drug use to see if anything helps. I'm struggling to hold down a part time job but i think it helps me mentally in the long run. I try to be normal, go to the store, interact with people, go places but it's fucking hard.

I enjoy your posts and your perspective on things. Although i don't know you, i don't want you to kill yourself or be stuck in that dark cave. It's a massive struggle to keep going, i have moments of clarity where daily things seem so insignificant and i feel things will be okay and although these feelings are fleeting, they give me hope that things are okay and it's just my perspective. Hope things start looking up for you.

edit: i used to live in cape breton, not sure which foggy island you are from but the surroundings there are indeed fucked. The weather, isolation and lack of life there were really terrible for my mental health. I had complete meltdowns while i lived there and since i've moved away i never looked back. I prefer living in a city even if i am still anonymous and alone, i feel apart of something alive.
 
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This might sound a little naive- but do you have any musical proclivities? Is there any way you could afford a keyboard or a guitar or borrow one from someone? Learning guitar (or any instrument) will take you out of any negative mental space, if even for only a short time. If you don't play already, learning to play is difficult- it will take a lot of focus. Playing guitar has transported me so far away from my problems at times. But music isn't for everybody- it's just something that's worked for me.....but I can't be that unusual.

I know you have a painful condition- but can you/ do you make it a point to get out of the house every day? Staying inside for days on end has a way of fucking with my brain very badly.
 
theseeker said:
This might sound a little naive- but do you have any musical proclivities? Is there any way you could afford a keyboard or a guitar or borrow one from someone? Learning guitar (or any instrument) will take you out of any negative mental space, if even for only a short time. If you don't play already, learning to play is difficult- it will take a lot of focus. Playing guitar has transported me so far away from my problems at times. But music isn't for everybody- it's just something that's worked for me.....but I can't be that unusual.

I know you have a painful condition- but can you/ do you make it a point to get out of the house every day? Staying inside for days on end has a way of fucking with my brain very badly.
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Well my bro brought home a electric guitar that he never uses so i might learn to play again. It's been about 12 years since Ive picked up one. I do get out to go for walks and driving ATV's when the weather is good but even then i have to take a few painkillers with me just in case. I can't go out in the winter if there is much of a wind because it sets off my trigeminal neuralgia and i live in one of the windiest places in Canada or the US . That sucks big time because i really loved skidooing, going in the woods and playing hockey on the ponds. I can't do any of that anymore for fear of setting off my TN and having to endure unspeakable pain. I can go out for walks and such if it's not windy but that's not often here so you can imagine the cabin fever i get.

My depression and complete sense of feeling lost are still in full swing since i made this thread. I feel nothing but complete desolation and sadness at times. If it was not for a few awesome friends who i am forever indebted to (you know who you are :) ) i don't think i could hang on. Ive gone back to taking my wellbutrin and seroquel and maybe that will help and is atleast worth a shot. But it's my surroundings that are causing it so that's what i need to change. I really don't know how i will last the winter because i really though i would lose my sanity last winter for sure.

I don't know what to do :(
 
Hey p_a , my heart goes out to you my man, we've spent many a good time talking. And, we've talked about the bad times as well. Let me first say, anyone who isn't friends with you is truly missing out - you've never once judged me, when I came back to this board you were totally cool about my apology and how i had acted in active addiction.

You know it's not that far from boston, and I'd certainly be down to meet up anytime bro. Depression is bad enough, to be isolated and depressed is a mixture for disaster, you know I suffer from PTSD and recently I had a real breakdown due to not taking care of the warning signs , it got real ugly and I'm lucky that a) half i don't remember b) when the cops showed up at my place I wasn't arrested for the numerous reasons I could've been !!

I have literally 2 friends that are true friends bro, and one of them is still the type to hang out only when he gets something out of it. He is changing but it takes time. True friends are so hard to come by and in this day and age it's important be it online , phone , skype - whatever , keep in touch with the people who really care not the fakes.

You're in my prayers man, I wish you nothing but a brightness about you and your future. Take it easy brah.
 
theartofwar said:
Hey p_a , my heart goes out to you my man, we've spent many a good time talking. And, we've talked about the bad times as well. Let me first say, anyone who isn't friends with you is truly missing out - you've never once judged me, when I came back to this board you were totally cool about my apology and how i had acted in active addiction.

You know it's not that far from boston, and I'd certainly be down to meet up anytime bro. Depression is bad enough, to be isolated and depressed is a mixture for disaster, you know I suffer from PTSD and recently I had a real breakdown due to not taking care of the warning signs , it got real ugly and I'm lucky that a) half i don't remember b) when the cops showed up at my place I wasn't arrested for the numerous reasons I could've been !!

I have literally 2 friends that are true friends bro, and one of them is still the type to hang out only when he gets something out of it. He is changing but it takes time. True friends are so hard to come by and in this day and age it's important be it online , phone , skype - whatever , keep in touch with the people who really care not the fakes.

You're in my prayers man, I wish you nothing but a brightness about you and your future. Take it easy brah.
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Thanks man that means alot to me :) . Yeah we have talked about alot of stuff good, bad and the fucking awful. Id be the last person to judge you as i of all people have no right to judge anybody. We really should meet up sometime since your not that far from me at all. Hell we get guys on fishing boats coming up from Boston ffs.

To be completely honest i damn near had a few breakdowns myself and if the psych hospital here was not like something out of the movie "One flew over the cuckoos nest" i would have went :| . Seriously that place is scary. I was only there for 5 hours when i got hit with those bogus charges and that was enough. I'm sorry about what happened with you man that just sucked. I really only have a few people i talk to here and the only guy i could talk to about my bipolar and stuff moved away so i have no real friends left at all. That combined with the isolation and living a hour outside the city where there is no public transit to get to the city and actually do stuff really gives me a feeling of being trapped. It's not like I'm going to hitch in the winter or anything so once it gets cold i have to rely on people to give me rides anywhere. The thing is i really don't see much of a solution to this as rent prices are nuts in the city (thank you big oil :! ) so it would be actually cheaper for me to go stay with my friend in Aussie for free. Id only have to pay for the ticket which would only equal 2 months rent in the city here really.

I have a few friends i met online as you know that i can talk to anything about and that helps a fuck load. If it where not for a few people Ive met here i think i would have done myself in long ago. To know that people actually care about me and that Ive helped out a few people along the way really makes a difference in how i view myself. It actually makes me realize I'm worth something.
 
paranoid android said:
To know that people actually care about me and that Ive helped out a few people along the way really makes a difference in how i view myself. It actually makes me realize I'm worth something.
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PA, you have helped way more than a few people. You are one of the bravest people I know and one of the most loyal posters in this community. One of the things that has always impressed me is how you deal with bipolar disease. You don't let it define you, whether it is kicking your ass or giving you a break, you see it for what it is, just a piece of who you are; something that you never would have chosen but you have an acceptance about it that I really admire. I know that the depression that comes with it just wears you out sometimes and now sounds like one of those times. I'm really sorry. :(

I hope you can take a minute, close your eyes and feel how loved you are. <3
 
At a loss

I didn't want to make a new thread about me whinging again so I'll bump this one.

I have had some rough times before but i think this is the worst and the longest period of feeling miserable Ive had. When i say miserable i mean totally miserable and more depressed then i have ever been. Atleast i think so anyway :| . Rarely a day goes by where i don't think about killing myself to be honest. I am not okay no matter how much of a face i put on sometimes. I really don't know what to do at all about my situation. If i had the cash id up and leave right now and get the fuck as far away from where i'm at as possible. But i haven't any money and i don't have any means of getting any money or atleast not enough to get out.

My family is a proper mess right now so tension and overall misery has been even higher then usual. The way things are looking now we will be lucky to be able to afford to have enough heat this winter so it's not like i can get any money off my parents to fuck off somewhere. Besides that i have health problems that need to be looked after so i can't just skip the country right now. That's another thing that is really pissing me off because through no fault of my own my stomach is completely fucked. I don't know if it's all the NSAID's i have taken over the years or all the puking i have done because of Trigeminal neuralgia pain but i am pretty much in alot of pain everyday because my stomach hurts like hell. No doctor seems to give a fuck and the specialist i was referred to is booked up for atleast a fucking year :! . So now i have to find another specialist to go to who will hopefully be able to get me in within a goddamn decade and hopefully he won't just give me some pills and tell me to fuck off and die like the rest of them.

All this is making my moods even worse and more erratic. I just go from majorly suicidally depressed to feeling sort of okay. No happy mania at all sadly enough.I don't have a therapist or even a psychiatrist right now so my GP is just giving me the meds i was getting before. I hate what the depression is doing to me and i hate what it's turning me into. I end up taking it out on those closest to me and i must be a real downer to live with to say the very least. I don't even want to live with myself so how could i expect anyone else to put up with me? :(

Of course i am dealing with this by doing even more drugs then i normally do which i know is not helping matters any but i have no motivation to cut down at all. If anything i just want to do more to blot it all out. Unlike in the past when i was at my lowest i don't see a spark of hope in the darkness. All i see is more darkness and a life hardly worth living :| . I guess this is more of a rant/feeling sorry for myself type thing then anything else. I just don't know what to do to help make things better :(
 
ah p.a your a fighter as well i know..you have banged me a few times..:) for awhile i lived at high altitude in kilkenny it was awful for 365 days of the year you are harassed by strong winds and constant rain and that depressed me like hell,you need to get out of where you are. time to save and move on
 
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Go exercise man.

It sucks I know, but honestly exercising 4-6 days a week when I was depressed helped infinitely more than anything else. It should almost be a requirement.

It takes time for it to pay off, and its not 'fun' (they dont call it "working" out for nothing), but it honestly does pay off after a bit of time. self esteem booster, your body is healthier meaning you feel better, and honestly after a bit when you work out hard enough you get "high". Not high like you did a shot of dilly, but a recognizable high nonetheless. While it fades, you do learn to love it and want it more and more.

I think that should become your foundation before you branch off. Yes it might be hard especially with injuries (i have scoliosis and bad discs from half a dozen horrible car accidents, shit was not fun), but after awhile it makes you feel BETTER, physically, emotionally, mentally, the trifecta! After awhile those injuries hurt just a littttttle bit less, and a litttttttle bit less. Pretty soon it hurts a decent percent less than it once did.

So, exercise friend. Force yourself to, even if only for 30 minute walks every day. Thats what started my exercise kick: I'd walk for like hours each day (no car). In fact I think part of why i've been slacking now is that i've had access to a family members car. Oh well.

Go walk everywhere you can! Once you've got that foundation started (month or two) start picking up other hobbies.

Best of luck man, from what I know of the "internet you," you're a good dude who doesn't deserve to be hurting as much as you seem to be. Give it a shot.
 
Doom is so right. I used to underestimate the power of exercise. I now have to get in an hour of cardio a day or else my anxiety and depression kicks in. Exercise is key.
 
I only read your first post,i didn't even read the replies because i found myself in your post and i totally sympathize with you.I'm also 30 years also and i recently moved to sweden from Greece just to cut-off the bad habits and a certain future that would lead either to more jail or (and)death. I'm drunk at an unknown and very cold city, away from my ppl, my medications, my drugs, the SUN (it is true after all that u only appreciate something when u lose it) just to see how much more can i take in my back. Sometimes you can find peace through isolation....i can't give you any real answer, just my own little rant that might (i hope so :)) help. We, humans are programmed to survive even in the most hostile (by saying 'hostile' i mean mental and physical) environments. The only thing i can tell you FOR SURE is this: there is no 'SHOULD', either be travelling or whatever the fuck we are supposed to do. Find peace brother.
 
Im bipolar as well and am about to be 30 in a month.
This condition has really affected my life and combined with addiction the 2 are a scary combination. I become very impulsive and wreckless when I am in a depressive state of mind.
I have been manic lately and am on the cusp of a couple months of depression probably. I'm about due for it and I lost my health insurance so I'm a little worried.
I feel your pain its tiring. Very tiring.
 
Hey Art I am a friend of P.A I am worried about him have you seen him on here today or since this post? Please help me if you can. Peace, Knightworrier
 
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