Bi-polar possibility

im interested in seeing a comparison between brain structures of healthy and otherwise mentally unhealthy people.

Well im not sure about people with bipolar but i know they have shown that the brains of schizophrenics are much different in certain areas then people without schizophrenia. I also think that medications can help prevent this change from happening or possibly reverse it. But i am going by memory here so i may well be wrong.

I think the same thing was done on people with bipolar disorder and they found that certain areas of the brain where more active during mania and less active during depression. But again im just going by memory and i could be completely wrong so don't quote me on this.
 
Once I go through the hormonal check, and hubby puts me on his insurance at work and I actually get an appointment with a shrink, I will take notes and will post what all I find out. My degree is in Business and all I know is everyone including my gf working on her master's in psychology says ... "I know you don't want to hear this, but stop using to explore the reasons why you're trying to mask what the real issue is." So I'll listen carefully and will try my best to get it right.
 
OK ... did something sorta different ... hell I'll try anything. Acupuncture. Called my mom crying and she said .. do you think it will help? Ya ll are into me for thousands of dollars, whats another 150? So off I go ... Interesting. Felt high as a kite when I left. Anyway, well worth moms 150.

In a few weeks I'll go to the bio-identical Dr. (she just happens to be a psychiatrist) who I hope will treat my bi-polar crap if I'm not menopausal. I will call or email to find out if all this shit is worth $800? Not going to be covered by insurance either.
 
Once when I was shipping in massive quantities of Valium (they thought they were xanax, but nope they were Valium) .... my 2nd asshole husband had me committed to a voluntary rehab to get me off of them. After I was out - like a week - they sent me to the 'community kooky center' and some Dr. interviewed me and said like I had all the symptoms of being bi-polar, EXCEPT the desire to kill myself. What do y'all think about such a diagnosis?

She prescribed me lamictal at the time and I did not crave pot, etc. and I started going to some meetings where these other people who oh didn't leave their house and didn't take baths, etc. (the really crazies) ... and as I sat in that room some of them talking to themselves .. and listening to the Dr. talk to them, I was thinking, shit I'm the sanest one in here!

Do you think it's possible to be bi-polar without the most important symptom of suicidal thoughts?

P.S. I got rid of that husband and felt much better.


First I love how this girl asked whether she can be bipolar, and then posters get into a self indulgent fit of who knows more arguing every aspect of what does and doesn't make a person bipolar.

How the hell is that relevant to this girls life?

You want a relevant answer?
Take that advice with a HUGE grain of salt. You were **1 week** out of wds, and still had about a thousand and 1 mental manifestations of wd at that point.

For a dr to even attempt swaying you towards bipolar, when you are IN WITHDRAWAL (just because the physical shit ended doesn't mean its time to start making diagnoses) just shows what a waste of time med school is.

If that doctor had any common sense he would have said "you're demonstrating symptoms of bi-polar, but you are also demonstrating symptoms of psychological wd, so it would be terribly irresponsible for me to suggest that you might be bi-polar, untill you have been off all drugs for x amount of time".

Am I a suicidal depressed lunatic? No.
Am I that way coming off opiates? Absolutely.

If a doctor told me I suffered from depression during wds would I believe him? No.
Should you believe your doctor? No.

If you're still curious should you go back in a few months to a psychotherapist who can properly diagnose you? Yes. Is it worth it to sit here and speculate either way? Absolutely not.
 
You are very welcome.

And lol I know valium is a benzo. I was more or less generalizing my experiences of opiate wd because I've never withdrawn from a benzo. But I just know coming off opiates I could prob be diagnosed with 20 different disorders, and benzos are worse imo so it was the only way I could really relate my own experience.

But yeh I see how that could definitely have confused you.
I'm also not trying to minimize any mental health issues you may actually have. But you definitely don't wanna start attaching any beliefs to your identity over observations that were made coming off drugs.
 
My mental issues, unfortunately are apparent to me. And being very intelligent, or just in-tune with my mind and body - I can feel my moods swing. They aren't huge but I recognize when they are changing and boy you don't want to be around me when I am going 'down'. The only reason I don't think that I'm bi-polar is that I don't have the mania part. I went to the 'cooky bin' and got a copy of my file. Read it. Yeah, probably something is a miss. Mostly a lot of drug use (growing up around it) and then using once I hit like 18 or so. Thank God (or someone) the drugs never got real 'hard' mostly just pot. I guess the massive quantities of valium I've done over the years have probably not done much good either. I just get addicted all over again, and again, and again. Just have an addictive personality. I come from a well educated family, I guess middle-class?
 
My mental issues, unfortunately are apparent to me. And being very intelligent, or just in-tune with my mind and body - I can feel my moods swing. They aren't huge but I recognize when they are changing and boy you don't want to be around me when I am going 'down'. The only reason I don't think that I'm bi-polar is that I don't have the mania part. I went to the 'cooky bin' and got a copy of my file. Read it. Yeah, probably something is a miss. Mostly a lot of drug use (growing up around it) and then using once I hit like 18 or so. Thank God (or someone) the drugs never got real 'hard' mostly just pot. I guess the massive quantities of valium I've done over the years have probably not done much good either. I just get addicted all over again, and again, and again. Just have an addictive personality. I come from a well educated family, I guess middle-class?

Haha yeh we are very much the same in terms of social upbringing. I mean the middle-class is the LARGEST class so thats always where your largest account of mental disorders will come from.

But let me tell you something briefly. When I went to the "psychward"... "cookybin" w/e you wanna call it, I got diagnosed with 3 different disorders and this was during the time I was also detoxing off opiates.

I got into a literal fight (by literal I mean screaming at the top of my lungs "you are a fucking idiot" not swinging or anything lol) with my doctor and she threatened to transfer me involuntarily to a longer term clinic. Where the minimum stay was like 8 months or something.

She had diagnosed me with: major depressive disorder, panic disorder, and PTSD.

The only one I feel I truely had was panic disorder, the major depressive diagnoses was because I was coming off opiates, and the PTSD was me more or less just having nightmares from my youth.
The nightmares NEVER happened before the clinic, but they insisted on telling me I had PTSD. And they also insisted that I took very specific medications.

Long story short, I got out. Months passed by where I was actually clean for once in my life, and EVERYTHING went away. Even the panic disorder which I had been suffering from for 8 years. The panic attacks wound up being quelled 100% by beta blockers and Lexapro. I got off the lex a year later, stayed on the blockers, and never got another panic attack again.

In your case, its possible that you are NOT bipolar like you say, but "unipolar", which is similar (not similar it IS the same) to the depressive disorder I was diagnosed with.
But I want you to understand drugs alone can trigger that. Those really low emotional times, where everything is black and you go into your "zone", I'd be curious to know if you become more aggressive or less aggressive.

If you are becoming more aggressive the chances are the drugs are causing it. If you take all you anger and direct it inside during those times (true depression) than behavoir is more associated with actual depressive disorder. I know a lot of times I wake up and things are black, I hate my fucking life for no reason, but I also get ANGRY. That anger in itself is a surival mechanism, telling you "I can't use these fuckin drugs anymore". You have a right to go into those states, as its your mind subconsciously trying to pull out out of an addiction (or something else) imo. Thats just my belief about mood swings in addiction.
I know a long time ago when I was in prison (like 9 years ago I'm 27 now) I had a genuine issue to be depressed about in my life. The ONE thing I noticed that was different about the depression I get now is this:

It was ALWAYS consistent. I mean there were NO "inbetween days" like there are on drugs. On drugs I can have a few good days than go back into that angry/depressed state. Off drugs when I had legitimate things to be depressed about, the depression was totally different. It was more natural than artificial like now.
I ALWAYS directed the anger in. And thats what made me depressed. It was unshakable, and even if I took a drug at that time Id just get more depressed.

Look at that aspect of your life. Depression always usually starts with anger. If you are directing that anger outwards during "depression", its not classical depression. Its more or less a depressed state induced by the drugs.

If you hold it in, and wake up like that everyday of your life, than thats what true unipolar can often be like. Of course it has inbetween times like any disorder, but it becomes very consistent and much more of a trap. With the depression from the drugs, I always know in a matter of days when I can up whatever dose of what I'm taking and get some money, that I'm most likely gonna be happy those days.
When I'm out of money, and have to start lowering dosages, than I get depressed as all hell. But I also get angry too. Its important to distinguish whether these tendencies are being cause the drugs, or by yourself.

One thing I can tell you for sure for sure, is if you don't have that mania like you said you simply aren't bipolar. Theres no way in hell. Half of bipolars entire diagnosis lies on the mania part, the other half on the depressive symptoms. My buddy was bipolar and killed himself, its was VERY obvious watching his behavoir over the course of months, how severe his disorder was.
He'd sleep in bed for 4 weeks straight, not shave, not eat, not do much of anything. Than by week 5 he was getting hair cuts, going on job interviews, laughing hysterically, and was genuinely a fun person to be around (too fun at times). And by "too fun" I mean his mania would take him right out of social norms. Fun to him became ANYTHING that amused him, and he had no limits on how much "fun" he would have during those times. His bipolar was aggravated during the winter time. And by January of the year he was dead. I cried for a long time over that kid, because he had battled the disorder for sooo long, and I never thought he was the type to ever give up. But I don't have bipolar either and I can't tell you what was going through his head in those dark times.

There are people who say "I'm bipolar" just because they have mood swings. But mood swings are so much a part of natural life. When you see someone with legitimate bipolar disorder, you start to doubt about 90% of people who say "I'm bipolar". I understand there are grey areas, but so many people say they have the disorder just to get money from the government. Its sad but its always been like that since mental disorders became more prevalent in our society. There are actually many benefits to faking a mental disorder. And lots of people do it. Thats another reason mental disorders have some stigma attached to them. You can absolutely PROVE when someone has a heart problem, but if you are a good enough actor (not even that good lol), its rather easy to convince a shrink that you suffer from 10 different things, and then you become one of those "special needs" people... which in a lot of cases converts just into "needy" people. And it also makes it that much harder on people who legitimately suffer from these problems.

Anyway, not sure why this has turned into such a rant. Most of my beliefs on this stuff are just theories, like any other asshole. So take it with a grain of salt. But it sounds to me like you MAY have some depressive tendencies, although I wonder how much of that crap is caused by your coping skills. People who "cope" with things by getting high all the time will often get like you. And once the drugs are gone for 6 months - 1year, a lot of their "disorders" go out the window too. Just to give you something to think about I guess. If you ever get off drugs 100%, and a year later you are acting the same way, the chances are you were just using the drugs to cover up the disorder. Which is also more than common. But you never really know untill you're able to gather some clean time.
 
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Some days I am angry and mostly take it out on my husband. Other days I don't turn on any lights or the TV, or the radio or anything and as my husband used to work nights, I have special curtains that block out ALL the light and I just stay on the couch, no brushing teeth, hair, bathing, putting on clothes .... It's probably the drugs. Plus I just recently lost a job at the post office of which I was planning on retiring from. Plus my 4 year old son was just put on meds for ADHD yesterday ... so he is much calmer. Today is a lay on the couch day and bitch at my husband when he calls. It's the fucking drugs, I guess. This lady Dr. I go see real soon (I'm already into her for $400 for spit and blood tests) and I'll have to fork over another $400 when I actually go 'visit' her about my hormones (bio-identicals) ... my blood screen if they actually test it will come back positive for THC? Don't know if they will or not. I told my husband earlier, don't go get me anymore pot ... I think it's just making it worse. He said he wouldn't. I've isolated myself from all my friends. I feel like I'm just going through the motions ... get up, fix son something to drink, fix son something to eat ... wash clothes/dishes ... yada yada yada .. bored to fucking death. I just took a quiz about "are you depressed" it recommended I call 911. :p
 
Some days I am angry and mostly take it out on my husband. Other days I don't turn on any lights or the TV, or the radio or anything and as my husband used to work nights, I have special curtains that block out ALL the light and I just stay on the couch, no brushing teeth, hair, bathing, putting on clothes .... It's probably the drugs. Plus I just recently lost a job at the post office of which I was planning on retiring from. Plus my 4 year old son was just put on meds for ADHD yesterday ... so he is much calmer. Today is a lay on the couch day and bitch at my husband when he calls. It's the fucking drugs, I guess. This lady Dr. I go see real soon (I'm already into her for $400 for spit and blood tests) and I'll have to fork over another $400 when I actually go 'visit' her about my hormones (bio-identicals) ... my blood screen if they actually test it will come back positive for THC? Don't know if they will or not. I told my husband earlier, don't go get me anymore pot ... I think it's just making it worse. He said he wouldn't. I've isolated myself from all my friends. I feel like I'm just going through the motions ... get up, fix son something to drink, fix son something to eat ... wash clothes/dishes ... yada yada yada .. bored to fucking death. I just took a quiz about "are you depressed" it recommended I call 911. :p


I'm sorry but that quiz comment almost made me piss me pants. I don't think you have any idea how funny that was.

I really think so much of what is going on with you would almost be impossible to avoid. You have more than just the pot going on. And if you don't mind listening to me I'd like to try to help you figure out things a little clearer. Sometimes it just helps to get a thoughout opinion on things.

I'm already late for a b-day party right now (mothers lol) but as soon as I get back I'd like to continue this. I have very specific things to say about your life in general, and a few of the things you mentioned. All in all though you sound like you're able to make light of things, and thats a sure sign of intelligence/ability to cope with life.

Be back a bit later on!
 
You definitely have a lot of things going on. But I’m getting the impression you smoke pot for the same reason that a lot of people smoke it, it kills time.

I’m also thinking it goes a little bit further than that. I think a large part of why you smoke pot has to do not with your IQ, but how smart you think you are. Its good to be proud that you’re smart, but if you realized the amount of bs that intelligence alone can spawn, you might have a different attitude towards it.

Think of how we evolved into nuclear technology so we could kill as many people as possible. Intelligence is a vessel, and not everyone uses it for good causes. When I was 17 I realized I had a gift at comprehending chemistry. I could have used that knowledge to get a degree and join the fight to conquer cancer, but instead I started manufacturing various drugs and went into business. In a short amount of time I found myself in prison facing a first degree felony. But if I was dumb, that would have never happened. So intelligence is deceptive, it can cause people to do dumb things BETTER and QUICKER than dumb people alone can ever do. In and in that regard, the smarter people actually become dumber than the stupid ones.

How this applies to you.

I notice myself in my own life, that I “go through the motions” A LOT just like you said. I grow terribly discontent with doing the same things everyday. Which causes me do to random shit just to switch things up. I get sick of waking up, brushing my teeth, shaving, showering, eating breakfast, making coffee, walking the dog, etc etc etc. That’s why I notice I can only stick to a routine for so long before I randomly start doing weird shit. And by weird shit I mean going on strike against life. Almost identical to you with sitting on the couch, and psychologically withdrawing from a predictable life.

I smoke pot too, everyday. I also harvest my own cause it means that much to me for what it does. Even though I only smoke once a day, if I don’t smoke I slowly start to lose my mind. I get bored as all fuck and wanna start shooting people. On the other hand, when I smoke pot, because it allows me to tolerate boredom, my life slowly becomes more and more boring.
I stop going out, I’d rather sit at home and toke than go to the bar with friends, but most of all, it quells my thoughts. When I’m high my senses always articulate themselves better. Things sound better, things look better, things taste better, and it winds up essentially shutting down my thoughts cause my environment starts to distract me. I will still think, but I can also just sit down watching the tv and not have single thought pass through my head. Its almost like I smoke pot because I enjoy the feeling of being stupid. My mind is usually in a thousand different places at once, and pot just makes things real simple.

This is hard for me to say, but you may never lose that aspect of your personality. I’ve dropped out and gone back to college various times. And what I notice is whenever I use to take a couple of semesters off, I would slowly start getting angry and depressed with my life. And than when I went back to school, I was always a happier more optimistic person. I think me and you both have an intellectual energy that we always need to be using, otherwise it starts to “twitch” and other things can develop from it (like OCD for one).

So what do you do?
Do you need to stop smoking pot?

No, not necessarily. In fact, I think the only thing you really need to do is reevaluate what intelligence actually means.

I hear over and over from doctors at my uni that people with bipolar also tend to be very “intelligent”. And time and time again when I ask them “what do you mean by intelligent?” they say something like “well they usually tend to be extremely creative and for the most part have higher IQs than average”.

And that’s one of the WORST validations of intelligence in this world. What about the physician who smokes 3 packs a day? Or the nobel prize winner who can’t keep his dick in his pants? Or the lawyer who has no morals? Or the politician with no ethics?

Intelligence is actually by itself undefined. Saying “I’m intelligent” is always a fragment of a larger measure.

People with bipolar are NOT anymore intelligent than people w/out it. They may possess creative intelligence but they lack an intelligence of much more value. And that’s emotional intelligence. You will survive much longer in this world with emotional intelligence rather than creative intelligence. And because of that my belief is that emotional intelligence is much more important. But at the same time a musician might come into this thread and tell me I’m wrong. And that’s where intelligence becomes a belief more than an actual measure.

My point is this. Get a book, its called “Emotional Intelligence” by Daniel Goleman. Its not some shitty book overflowing with self help jargon, it puts a lot of different people in this world on trial and explains more clearly what intelligence actually is. When I read that book a while back I started looking at aspects of my life and telling myself “I’m really not smart at all”. And because I refused to accept that belief on any level I started to focus on becoming smarter.

What I’m saying is you can’t possibly sit on your couch depressed all day and say “I’m intelligent”, it just doesn’t work like that. If you were intelligent you would be doing something with your life that you enjoy, and because of that I think your intelligence has actually become a crutch for you to avoid doing specific things in life.

I am not writing a single word here in hopes of offending you, I’m doing it because I think you need to hear it. And I’d also like you to realize I’m prob about 10 thousand times more fucked up than you will ever be. So if you get the impression that you think I think I know my shit, that is not the case. In fact, the more I learn in life the stupider I realize I actually am. Language, logic, communication, science, emotion… the more you learn the more you realize there is to learn, and the more you realize how little you actually know. Intelligence is as much based on what you know, as what there is to actually learn. If you only realize 10% of what there is to learn in this world, than of course you’re gonna think you’re intelligent when you’ve only learned 8%.

Life would be too easy if all I had to do was write 1 sentence and you were able to fix all your problems. Because fixing your life isn’t about doing as much as its about what you need to start doing. And I think a good place for you to start is to start taking in information from this world that has been blocked by what you’re normally focused on. For whatever reason you are blocking out what it takes to be happy in life (emotional intelligence), and I think its because you’re so distracted by your emotions. Which is another reason you might wanna seriously pick up that book.

If I came on too strong I apologize, but if you don’t change the way you think its really hard to make anything in life change.
 
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Ok, well I guess I will defend my 'intelligence' a little further then if the i.q. thing isn't enough. I grew up around very smart people, smart people who did the right thing, and smart people who didn't ... so I had a selection of role models (unlike my husband who was raised by all "not-too-smart or not-too-nice" folks. I took the ACT test in the 10th grade and scored so high that I was offered a 4-year fully paid scholarship to the college of my choice. I skipped my senior year and went to college instead, one whole semester, did really well (school wise) but withdrew and went back 11 years later (they reinstated my scholarship because I took at least 14 hours and maintained a B or better.)

There was my Mom who smoked pot later in life, but managed to get a Master's degree in Guidance and Counseling, Biology, Driver's Education (just a certificate in that particular instance), plus I have really no idea how many more degrees she went back and got. My real father, who drank himself to death (I mean how 'smart' is that?) who had a Master's degree in Art (of all things). I was raised during the summer months (both my parents were teachers) by my Aunt (who never married and never had any children - who never smoked pot) She was a teacher too ... now she was really smart and died very, very rich and having never married left it all to my mom. Who I have always been her favorite (even though she would never admit it to my sister - I am her favorite) I've figured out a way to live in a house for free (when my aunt died my mom went and paid cash for another house and just moved into it) and I'm told now that I get the big house and my sister gets the crappy house and $50K only so she can't contest the will. I'll remind her at a more appropriate time that it really only has to be $1; but I don't want to come off greedy. Wait, I am greedy. Anyway, Don't owe any car or motorcycle payments. My step-father was a frog man in the Navy with a PhD in Biology and chemistry who processed a lot of oh I'm not sure what it was (but I remember peeking around his shoulder once when I was like 11 or 12 and it was a white substance in some tin foil) I suspect crystal but couldn't say for sure .. but he was doing it to get the MIA's out of Vietnam ... they needed a lot of money and they needed it fast. He was smart, and I hated his hippie-pot-smoking/growing-self until I became much older, like 18 or so. He died too of alcoholism when my 1/2 sister was 3.
I've stopped smoking pot, because I see that it exacerbates my mental issues .. whatever those may be. But yeah, I have a high i.q., I have common sense, I have people skills ... my downfall personally is MEN! I'm on marriage number 3. But he is 11 years younger than I am and dang good-looking, and he gets up and goes to work every morning so I can sit my fat butt here on this couch or go wherever I want as long as I take care of our son, I don't think he really cares what/where I spend money - most likely it was all the beatings as a child he got (probably why he subconsciously seeks out 'older' mother-type figures? ... well son is requesting eggy bite-bites and hot dogs, so duty calls ... later tator.
No, you didn't offend me, I have very thick skin, I am of Viking descent. Peace out.
 
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Just a little something else I found .... I was given the 'opportunity' to be fired or resign from the post office May 17

"Getting fired is notoriously stressful. (In Chapter 9 it was described as one of the few things, along with death of a spouse, that can put a lasting dip in a person's normal happiness level.) However, being employed is no guarantee against stress. Certain occupations are traditionally regarded as high-stress jobs. These include being an air-traffic controller, member of the police force, or an executive. The helping professions like social work, counseling, and clinical psychology are quite stressful and are associated with a high rate of burn-out. Professions where workers must constantly face deadlines, such as printing and publishing, are notorious for high alcoholism rates that presumably reflect stress."
 
Oh yeh work is a bitch. But what really aggravates it are factors like type A/B personality, locus of control, LC/AE index, theres really like a dozen different stress test doctors do to examine how a person responds to their career beyond just the job type.

Another thing worth looking at is the 5 year advantage women have over men (lifespan) that is slowly and slowly getting smaller. In the last 30 years the percentage of women in the workforce has grown exponentially, and rates of alcoholism, smoking, drug use, and suicide have also increased among women. Once the full toll of work stress works its effects, its likely women will be dying just as early as men.

Doctors believe estrogen plays a role in reducing stress, which it does, but women are still very much going through an adaptive period in time. Education, work, independence, child bearing (it was a past stressor but now theres more single mothers than ever so that stress is rising too).

I mean when you look at the full picture, work causes more stress than almost any other single factor in life, its right up there with personality type. Losing your job can create similar levels of stress, depending more specifically on other factors. Like whether your husband is employeed, and certain lifestyle changes you may have had to make since losing your job.

I mean look at the facts, our society all in itself is nurturing the deaths of millions of americans every year. Americans and Canadians spend over 3 billion a year on OTC drugs, with 1 billion alone going to aspirin and other analgesics. IN addition to that, over 4 billion a year is being spent on prescription drugs (most likely higher now I think). 2 out of every 3 Americans resort to a medically prescribed chemical everyday. We consume over 8,000 TONS of sedatives and tranquilizers that are bought with over 100million prescriptions per year. Thats equivalent to 1,000 dump trucks lined up bumper to bumper, its A LOT of fucking drugs.
Drug companies are a LUCRATIVE business. They tell the public the high profit margins are due to innovative research, but when auditers look at their records, the majority of their money is actually being spent on advertising and promotion.

WE LIVE IN A VERY FUCKED UP SOCIETY.
If you take your head outside your own personal problems, and really take a look at how many people are dying in this country from stress alone, you'd realize stress was really the number 1 killer and not drugs or alcohol, or heart disease and heart attacks. Stress is the ROOT of all these problems, and if we don't learn healthy coping mechanisms at some point in our lives, then we WILL just become another statistic like so many people before us.

Gzzz I can go on forever about this topic. And it goes a lot deeper than the shit I mentioned, its really scary when you take a look at how stressful a society we live in. The avg american now and days doesn't even wanna listen to a conversation that doesn't interest them in the first sentence because they feel they're wasting their time. We always feel we are wasting time, and thats because we've culturally learned we need to always be doing shit. Always working, always trying to keep our head above water... and for what? All so we can drop dead on a sidewalk one day from a massive anuerism?

God I hope that doesn't become my story. We work our whole lives to enjoy nothing, cause we don't have the time to even enjoy it. Its a fucking shame.
 
And I'll say this too which is pretty big. But you said you come from a family of overachievers, and overachievers are known for having higher rates of heart attacks and health problems in later life.
Its sad to say, but you've likely adopted a lifestyle from your family that could very well take you out of this world one day. Not to say that if you're a garbage man you're going to live longer, but its really the paradigms we develop that cause the stess. You could be out of school, out of work, and retired (like my mother) but at 68 you can stil seel how strong her paradigm for success is.
She will NOT sit down for a minute all day. Its almost like relaxation causes her stress, but its more likely that she just never learned how to relax in the first place due to stress.
 
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