Ah F'loki, I'm sorry to hear you've been struggling, but I'm so glad to hear you are now aware of what was really going on! Please try not to be too hard on yourself and keep your head up, and your wits about you. I didn't find mitrazepine very helpful myself - yeah it was somewhat sedating, but it made me gain weight and feel like a slob in the morning (I'd rather not sleep than those two things).
Can you get your hands on any gabapentin or something? I found that that can help a lot with anxiety and malaise associated with opioid withdrawal related issues, even with cravings in some cases. Plus it is a lot safer (or has fewer side effects) than that "antidepressant" you were taking.
Thanks for your support my friend.
I can't get Gabapentin as my problems aren't really with opiates: It's benzos. I couldn't really care less about the opiates. Okay sure i've overdone them big time: 8 weeks straight kind of thing, which lead to moderate withdrawals, which honestly I do not find THAT bad, because they last maybe a few days and i'm over it. It's nothing compared to Benzo hell. NOTHING.
I suggested to the doctor today that why don't we try this: As I taper from diazepam, can I have a short acting z-drug MAXIMUM twice a week. He said this is not a conventional way of tapering, but liked the idea. BUT he wasn't willing to prescribe anything without referring to my outpatient rehab to get their blessing...........Usual bullshit pass the buck mentality, but whatever.
So he printed out a letter and I ran down to the outpatient clinic: They said no they weren't happy with this because of the amount of diazepam I am on already: 21mgs a day. I explained that this is slightly ridiculous because I can handle 100mg doses and 80mg doses mixed with fucking heroin in the not so recent past.....So what is 7mgs of Zopiclone going to do? Fucking bullshit.
Thing is, they say I can have a drink from time to time, even though THIS WORKS ON GABA-A receptors too, but somehow having a restricted prescription for zopiclone twice a week so I can at least sleep twice a week while withdrawing from diazepam that also works on GABA-A is "OMG NO YOU CANNOT DO THAT, IT'S SO DANGEROUS".
Anyway, so fuck it. I have discussed this all with my wife and my family and I have decided to drop out of all the outpatient rehab bullshit and just taper off diazepam myself.
I am just going to rely on the darknet now for additional meds and just do it all myself, until I am off diazepam. That is how fucked up the whole experience of outpatient rehab and doctors has been for me. I feel like it's actually just made me feel worse by pushing me into abstinence (something that is just not in my nature), labelled me an addict (when actually I just have trouble sleeping) and climbing the anti-depressant ladder into oblivion. Sorry but fuck that.
On the plus side I guess now I have a better understanding of how completely dire the medical community are at dealing with benzo withdrawal and mental health problems in general, and more positively I know much more about who I actually am and I know now to stand my ground against people who think they know best for me: I.E All the useless doctors.......................I am officially quitting trying to quit through the 'legitimate' channels: Rehab is a pile of shit and not at all suitable for benzo withdrawals. It's actually -on reflection - made things a million times worse by stereotyping me as an "addict": You tell people they are a label for long enough they start to believe it.
Funnily enough my wife and family completely support this and everyone feels somewhat relieved I am getting out of the "rehab system": I think because they have seen how actually it has hampered my recovery rather than helped. Glad I had the complete meltdown today and decided to act on it and have ditched the anti-depressants and the entire, defunct bullshit system....
If you want to get something done, do it yourself.
F'loki
