Hi everyone i am new to this site but i need some help feeling very lonely dealing with this hole thing was woundering if anyone could point me in the right direction. Ill give you some of my story. So this has been the longest 8 months of my life. I never was prescribed benzos but i did take them for about a year. Only a couple months spans where i took them everyday but it was heavy use during the months i used everyday. I used other drugs during my life mostly pot. Did acid and ecstasy i bit much, but never really suffered from any side effect from that or the pot. But the Benzos Valiums is what i was taking later in my drug used seemed after a while of use made me more anxious and caused me to have a panic attack when i did used them. Didn't find out about that till one week i decided i was becoming to lazy and tired from these pill so i didn't take them. This was after about a half a year of using benzos maybe a four month span of everyday and heavy use when along with that too. About 2 days later i came home from my job rolled up a joint got half way through it when i realized holy hell i am really high and this is only some mids. Then i had the first panic attack of my life. It was the most scariest thing every i didn't no what to do. I just felt like i was dieing. I couldn't stop shaking and thinking about the most insane things. At first i thought maybe i was having an acid flash back but it was so evil, and i never had a bad trip from acid. After the attack was over i still wasn't totally sure about what it was i thought maybe i was doing to many drugs and my brain needed a rest. I gave it a brake with every. Still smoked pot but that was it. I seemed to be fine had about 2 week of on off crazy panic attacks but they went away. After that i was just anxious all the time ready to snap at anytime. After a month or so i ended up using the Valiums again and more often. Also got back into taking acid on the weekends but i had to take a Valium before i was starting to notice the reason for my anxiety now. One morning i woke i did not feel normal this continued on and on. Till weeks later i realized when i took a Valium i felt better. Well i always stayed away from a addictive drugs. Would touch opiates, coke, heroin. Nothing like that i liked my pot and the occasional acid trip. Now i realized i was a addicted to these pills. I stopped doing all drugs, drink and smoking pot. I didn't no to the extent as to how bad these pills were. I never tapered off I never read up on anything, and from that point on (January 2011)to now i have not been myself. From January till mid April it was like one big panic attack that i thought would never end. I could even get out of bed. I thought i was dead. I would wake from sleeping out of breath thinking i was still dreaming. The list of things goes on and on and on. Finally after April the panic attack became more under control, but my anxiety was through the roof. My mind was constantly going thinking of the most crazy stuff. The doctor put my on Zoloft an anti-depressant witch made things worse i started hallucinating, constant tunnel vision. I felt like i was stuck in the acid trip from hell, and every time i went to the doctor they just increased the Zoloft. I was up to 200mg. Finally i said that enough. I tapered off on the Zoloft still dealing with the crazy withdrawals from the Valium witch made life even more hell, because now i was i was very depressed. I thought about killing myself everyday. every second of the day, but still i waited. Just like when your having a bad trip on psychedelics you wait and it will pass. Well that even drove me nuts. So basically i learned to live with this terrible thing that was going on inside my brain. Now things are calming down i got my anxiety under control only as of a month or so ago. I started doing research on these pills and wow they are so bad. If i would have none i wouldn't of gotten myself into this. I am pretty sure i am suffering tremulously from what they call depersonalization. I live in this foggy dream state now, and i forget who i am and what i am doing all the time. I think things are coming back but very slow, and at the same time i am not that sure. One of my question is if i didn't taper off on the Valium will i ever feel the same again will those parts of my brain turn back on. I feel like this will never end i am going to be stuck like this and its so frustrating. I have been dealing with this for 8 months. If anyone can give me some advise please do.
Hi Madcap, welcome to Bluelight and, in particular, welcome to Blogs!
You won't get much input by posting in our little corner of the site. Blogs is pretty much a journal-esque type place where people share their thoughts and such.
May I recommend posting in The Dark Side (aka TDS)? TDS has a bunch of experienced, friendly and compassionate people that can definitely give some input into what you are experiencing.
Also, here are the keys to the rest of the kingdom that is Bluelight
I'm certain that your brain will recover
It takes a good bit of time for our brains to bounce back from all the abuse we cause it.
hang strong, man!
You won't get much input by posting in our little corner of the site. Blogs is pretty much a journal-esque type place where people share their thoughts and such.
May I recommend posting in The Dark Side (aka TDS)? TDS has a bunch of experienced, friendly and compassionate people that can definitely give some input into what you are experiencing.
Also, here are the keys to the rest of the kingdom that is Bluelight
I'm certain that your brain will recover
It takes a good bit of time for our brains to bounce back from all the abuse we cause it.hang strong, man!
