beneath a winter dawn

[vurtomatic]

in our shadows
we stand small
(as life spills)

upon the boiling sky
rolling waves of strife
(as life spills)

a blooming red
blood in water

a showering orange
stars abloom

as the world turns and so do we
to a kiss of light parting
sky and earth, a peek

of a face so white so bright it tears
and fills me a torrent a breath
(as life spills)

before my awakened eyes
i stroke your cheek

as you turn to a zephyr
beneath a winter dawn

 

[smileyfish]

Aw Vurt, this one's really sweet and pretty!

The only stanza that sits a little off to me is [Q]a showering orange
stars abloom[/Q] I think it's the reuse of 'bloom' from the previous stanza - the aliteration just doesn't feel right to me *shrugs*. Otherwise, it's light and dreamy with just enough melancholy and allusion to hurt.

Smiley

 

[vurtomatic]

thanks for pointing that out smiley.

i might rework this at a later stage but right now, it is becoming increasingly frustrating for me to write, i feel like i am stagnating

 

[yakksoho]

I don't feel you are stagnating, I thought this was great. It struck me hard after I read it and I really liked the cosmic imagery...wow as usual I don't know what to say other than it really affected me! Thanks.

 

[neverwas]

... it is becoming increasingly frustrating for me to write, i feel like i am stagnating

well what can i say...u are truely an artist i love to read...i have been suffering the whole stagnate thign to lately...hence no words threads etc...you wil comeout of it... i find that even writting bout things and people i love is hard now days...it seems that all i write is depressing shit and isnt even worth of a re-read...

your words touch me as mine have touched you hun and i know you probly wont read htis for a bit but it is here when you do

i got ur email mwah

kel

 

[vurtomatic]

in our shadows
we stand small
(as life spills)

upon the boiling sky
rolling waves of strife
(as life spills)

a blooming red
blood in water

a showering orange
stars afire

upon the white lit sky
a soft glow of birth
upon the gentle swell
the silver city revealed

as the world turns and so do we
to a kiss of light parting
sky and earth, a peek

of a face so white so bright it tears
and fills me a torrent a breath
(as life spills)

before my awakened eyes
i stroke your cheek

as you turn to a zephyr
beneath a winter dawn

::

just a very slight edit, not sure if it improves on the previous version, comments welcomed

 

[smileyfish]

hey Vurt, it sits better with me now. I still really like it.

And no more talk of stagnating - I haven't written anything decent in over 3 years *grumble, bitch, moan*

Smiley

 

[vurtomatic]

thanks smiley, at least something is working out

 

[cherub]

both are good . You seem to always have a way of writting i can relate too.