Serious being fake sober

[spypilot]

i do drugs every day and i havent been caught in a while and my family thinks im sober and are proud of me for it
i know im not gonna be sober anytime soon, whenever i try shit goes bad and i dont want to anyways
and now im seeing other people start doing drugs meanwhile im deep in
and its not like my life is gone im doing fine better than ever
im going to school soon i finished last year with good grades
drugs just arent as thrilling as they used to be
theyre still amazing i love drugs but its just not a big thing for me anymore its just a part of me now
hallucinogens still bring me joy because with those theres always something new or something slightly different but with all the stuff i mainly do its the same as always and im happy with that
i feel amazing on opioids and benzos and shit but its not a big think anymore, i used to be so excited to get more but now its just a thing
i shuffle along with everyone else in line at the store, i wake up and go to sleep like everyone else, im just another person
i started drugs partly because i didnt wanna feel like just another person and three years later im back to where i was
this whole thing is just me rambling im sorry for anyone who reads this i just need to talk
im not suicidal anymore atleast not now im just here
maybe shit will change when i go back to school
i had a LAN party recently and that was fun lots of concerta and caffeine and other shit
i have good moments in my life but those are waning as im going back to school
i dont wanna go back to the daily routine
wake up, take medication, get in the car, pop a few pills in the elevator, usually stimulants, i get in i sit down get some shit done, go to class, get out, get some shit done, repeat a few times, get out of school, get driven home, drink some syrup (usually hydromorphone sometimes oxycodone), fuck around on my laptop and fall asleep.
5 times a week with 2 days to do drugs all day and maybe just maybe hang out with someone
id be dead without drugs
i would killed myself long ago
i left my old school last year and im at a private school now
i dont have any friends here maybe 1 or 2 people i say hi to but nobody i would call a friend
i have friends from my old school but we hang out less and less as time passes
soon ill be fully on my own
just me my family and my connection
i still make art, every day, whenever i can
without it id just be laying around crying or some shit
i have dvds full of art just sitting there
i show people and most brush it off
every few days i fill another dvd and i throw it in the binder
maybe when its full ill pull it out and show it and maybe make money
if my parents knew id be in rehab
and its only hurting me, im not doing stupid shit anymore
one day ill make the perfect art piece
something i cant shuffle away
maybe then shit will change
end of thread

 

[RhythmSpring]

Well that's great that you're relatively stable and making art! I can understand the tension of appearing sober but not actually being sober.

And I'm super glad that psychedelics give you joy. They are the best "drug" out there, in my opinion. If they give you joy, and the opioids and benzoes are kinda like "meh" right now, maybe you could do more psychedelics (or just keep doing them) and wean off the other "meh" drugs that aren't doing much for you anyway. Then you'd be "cali sober," hah.

I feel like coming "clean" to parents might not be the best idea, but moving in the direction of sober is also a good idea. Sounds like you're not excited to quit, so maybe you could just take your sweet time?

I dunno if this is helpful or appropriate to give my opinion. I hope it's okay. I wish you the best.

 

[M!$TER-ED]

From previous conversations, you are young, and you are intelligent, possibly more so than most people your age. With that said, your intelligence leads to boredom because there is not enough challenge in your life to satisfy your mind's need for learning. This phenomenon is not uncommon for people gifted with high IQ.

Hopefully you will discover something that meets your standards for learning. IDK, maybe I'm right, maybe I'm wrong? What do you think?