Been VERY Scared Lately.. Been Trying to Believe in SOMETHING..

[kanyeknievel]

----PLEASE READ AND REPLY. IT WILL MEAN SO MUCH TO ME.-----

So.. I don't know exactly why or what it is that caused me to become seemingly quite depressed the past few weeks, but I have been very scared lately.

Scared for the fact that I think of death, dying, me dying, my life ending.. even though that may not be for 60+ 70+ years. My parents and everyone around my dying, and just the whole unknown factor of death and future/life .

I would think it started all from when my good friend died 4 months exactly ago (I know exactly because of Facebook), and then a month after that my dog who I was with from the moment we picked her out, till the moment she died in my arms and right in front of me (who I loved more than anyone else outside of my family that I could ever imagine) . I think those two things, along with me stopping suboxone 16/17 days ago (using kratom), and a bunch of life changes have been causing me to think very badly and negatively .

I basically go through the day feeling boxed in, trapped, and as if there is some dark cloud over me and I am just living through waiting for the next bad thing, someone or something to leave me again to happen. It causes me to just think that way almost all day, not be happy about things like I used to and as the night goes on I become more and more active with thoughts... and they scare the shit out of me and I don't want to think of this!

I go into bed and I distract myself as much as possible, my memory is bad .. so I can't say when these thoughts occur besides when I am laying down BUT when I lay down and try to sleep.. they happen and last night was terrifying. Thoughts of " Im going to die. I will die, then what? Nothing? Black? I can't even begin to phantom the experience, all of this and what was and going to be will be for nothing. It all will end the same. Why live to just die, why live to just ..... (I would think like that.. like my thoughts and everything just stop.. Its so hard to explain cause dying, and seeing it first hand.. Honey, my dog. From getting her and then seeing her leave... I saw her go from into my life and almost the most important thing.... to gone. Nothing but her body.) "

I think basically like that. I am not a suicidal person or I really believe I would have done that so long ago. And that is the problem, but also a very good thing. I KNOW I would never do it... BUT I am so scared and fear and honestly think... the way I die is going to be from myself... even though I could never do it, I think that way. I don't know if it makes sense, but it doesn't to me really either, but it's so scary and I hate it. To go through these days and to think so negatively, to not enjoy them as I should.. to think of death and the future. To think I am going to be the cause of my death, to think I am SO SCARED of death and yet I think of me being the cause of me dying (THAT MAKES NO SENSE! IF I DONT WANT TO DIE WHY WOULD I DO IT MYSELF EVER? )

And last night I was so freaked out with my thoughts I had to shut them off because they were thinking just SOOO fast and random shit that I was like "Oh my god.. what the fuck is wrong with me. I am going crazy it feels like, why am I think of this and that.. that is the most random thing.." EVERYTHING I thought of was the most random thing, I was thinking 100 thoughts a minute and had to take 2 of my klonopin to calm down and sleep..

My depersonalization is a very big catalyst in this, If I didn't have it still I wouldn't feel as much as I do about this.. and I can't wait for that to go away.


But I am scared.... I don't know what to do about it. So I thought last night... I need something to believe in, I need something to actually keep me going that I ACTUALLY COULD believe in. I never went to church and going now with all I've learned and thought throughout the past years.. it would be forcing a fish to live above water.. maybe you could do it, but it wouldn't work. it would be forced.

So I thought of things I may truly believe in.. and I came up with -

 

[kanyeknievel]

Everything has to happen for reasons. People are all made for certain reasons and to accomplish things that will affect others and cause a chain reaction to other people, in which while then cause those people to fulfill their destiny with the influence of that other person. Like, each person is made for a specific purpose ... I have so much to believe this .. such as certain people who died TOO young, but the HUGE impact they made in the short time they had... Kurt Cobain, he changed music.. punk/rock into what it is today and without him.. that movement may never have happened. He was put on earth to do that, and if he stayed alive longer.. who knows what he may have done, but he DID what he had to do and what he was supposed to do.

Jimi Hendrix.. he died young as well but he was born with what he would evolve into, so he could complete what he did. He changed music, guitar, he influenced SO many people and chagned the way guitar can be played. He is considered by many and by me to be the greatest guitarist.

The beatles.. they changed music.. that is it. They were all made to do that.

Hitler.. bad person, but he was made to CHANGE what was happening. Without him, we wouldn't be where we are now. He did what he was supposed to, though he was evil.. there are evil people who are made to change the world and be a catalyst for change, even though it may have taken horrific things to do so.

Einstein.. he was born with a brain so magnificent that he was supposed to do everything that he did do. I don't know anyone else who has been born with such intelligence that he has been born with. He was born with that on purpose so he could do what he did... he was meant to do that, and he did it.

There are SOO many people to put on this list, but that I feel is something I believe in and is true. I ALWAYS believed that if there was such thing as a "Time-Machine" or something that could legit "SEE THE FUTURE" the future would show me, or whoever being where they are supposed to be. Even without me actually making those decisions , because I went in the time-machine, I still did them and ended up with what I did, who I did, and where I did because I was supposed to. ANd so did everyone else...

I believe this ( I truly hope I do and I am not just thinking this right now and end up not believing it) , and I believe that .. those people I listed , and so many more.. were born with all of those skills, the intelligence they were meant to do what they did and change something.. influence something. I have been born with a truly gifted mind. I have a quite intellectual mind (not INCREDIBLY smart) but really smart.. capable of things people aren't normally, I think in ways people don't. I am gifted when it comes to learning new things, I have a creativeness that isn't matched by anyone I know. I am naturally gifted and talented that I feel and realize ... I have been born this way and given this for something. I don't know what it is, what it will be.. but I have been given everything I have for reason. I am SUPPOSED to do something, SUPPOSED to utilize everything I have for something big, and I haven't done it and everything I am going through is to pre-condition me for what I have to yet endure and to accomplish what it is that I have waiting for me.


Does my belief sound like any certain religion... any certain belief? I know it sounds exactly like "Destiny" but that ties into a lot of religions. I think this belief and realization may yet have saved me in so many ways...and thank you to everyone who takes the time to reply and read.. it will mean so much to me.

The reason I ask if there is a religion for what I am believing in specifically or anything like it is because.. the more I write about me believing it.. the more I say I do, the more I really believe myself with it and back-up my beliefs with thoughts and ideas and examples.. the more I will accept it and accept it till I live it and think it second nature.

 

[Psyduck]

1° Welcome to the human condition.

2° On a related note.

3° People are always fearing the future and regretting the past. Buddha's wisdom says that only the NOW matters. Whatever you want to do: do it now.

NSFW:

Jimi Hendrix - I Don't Live Today
Will I live tomorrow?
Well, I just can't say
Will I live tomorrow?
Well, I just can't say
But I don't know for sure
I don't live today

No sun comin' through my window
Feel like I'm livin' at the bottom of a grave
No-ho sun comin' through my window
Feel like I'm livin' at the bottom of a grave
I wish you'd hurry up and rescue me
So I can be on my miserable way

Well, I don't
Live today
Maybe tomorrow, I just can't say
I don't
Live today
It's such a shame to waste your time away like this
Existing

Well, I don't
Live today
Maybe tomorrow, I just can't tell you baby
I don't
Live today
It's such a shame to spend the time
Away like this

4° Don't think other people have had a more easy life than you. People, as a rule, put up appearances in everyday life making others believe that everything is "just fine."

5° In the end, it doesn't matter whether you become Einstein or a rock-star, there is greatness in every human being and the smallest ordinary things.

 

[Shrooms00087]

Does my belief sound like any certain religion... any certain belief?

Go find out. Occupy yourself with your interests.

3° People are always fearing the future and regretting the past. Buddha's wisdom says that only the NOW matters. Whatever you want to do: do it now.

This. I'd also suggest having some reservation when dealing with this matter, don't let the future pass you by. I've done far too many drugs living in the now and giving into the body's desires so now my restraint may not involve something of a "Destiny", if anything it's the debt I carry for the interest of the future. Which has had an interesting development, where wearing a wrist watch feels like sandbags (thank Christ we still don't use giant sundials, that would be horrifying). So, naturally I have an aversion to watching the hands move so I've decided to stop wearing the God damned thing which helps.

So I'd say pursue your interests leaving a space open for the collapse of your spontaneous interest(s) so you can move on to another interest. Being in the present is also an investment, invest wisely.

 

[HenryXVI]

My depersonalization is a very big catalyst in this, If I didn't have it still I wouldn't feel as much as I do about this.. and I can't wait for that to go away.

Everyone's got their own private hell, but for you and many the best thing is often just to stay determined about finding some interesting direction to point your life in. Working with kids is fun, because they act dumb, to fool us, but spiritually they're the toughest mofos around. And some are just extra smart, all's good that is good.

 

[RedRum OG]

The more you think about it, the more powerful it becomes

Everyone has their own journey, but if you can learn how ^^^ works with you, you will be fine

 

[RobotRipping]

yeah i would look into Buddhism to ease your anxieties surrounding death. Depersonalization sucks though but it may give you a sense of what death may feel like, not being connected to a physical body and such.

The way i see it is that if i die and there's just nothing and it's like before i was born, then i won't even know it anyway, so it really doesn't make a difference. If there's something better than that, then that'd be great too and make more sense to me but you're never really going to know and that's what you have to accept.

 

[noone1]

I could have written what you just wrote word for word. I will recommend eastern religions, Mysticism and philosophy in general. Also get more exercise and meditate... eat less crap, decrease your drug/alcohol intake. This has been most helpful. I'll be honest I still wake up at in the dead of night sometimes with these exact thoughts and fears in my head for no reason but it has gotten better. Try to find a spirituality, philosopher and/or religion that speaks to you too, but remember in the end those are only pointers it has to come from within you.

Some suggestions I guess:

Atheist/Agnostic: J Krishnamurti, Nietzche
Theistic but not too theistic: Ramana Maharshi, Eckhart Tolle, Alan Watts, Thich nhat hanh
Theistic: Meister Eckhart, Hazrat inayat Khan, Rumi

 

[fridgebuzz]

Believe your beliefs could be incorrect. A skeptic is the only way to live, imo.

 

[Cthulhu]

^ I second that. An impression that I got from reading your post is that you are trying to force yourself to believe something. Now, it is one thing to have beliefs and values that can help guide you along life's journey... but I would be wary of the mind's vain pursuit of some kind of fixed and eternal Truth to be put into words and cherished. Can we ever truly know something? Anything? And is it necessary to have such a conviction?

Personally, I find great peace in an inner acknowledgement that I know NOTHING. Absolutely nothing. By that, I do not mean that there is no truth whatsoever - just that truth is fluid, always changing, and the only "thing" that I do know is my present-moment experience. Seemingly miraculously, by admitting that I do not and cannot know anything in a fixed way, everything seems to work out perfectly

If I were to give any advice, it would be this: listen deeply to yourself, your whole self, and follow your heart.

 

[L2R]

1. i like your handle, OP. it's original and a funny juxtaposition.
2. don't worry, be happy.
3. these depressive thoughts are emotional procrastination.
4. you aren't going to get answers, you don't need them. let go of this.

5. being busy really helps. take it from someone who knows a bit about the dark places.