kanyeknievel
Bluelighter
- Joined
- Jul 12, 2010
- Messages
- 535
----PLEASE READ AND REPLY. IT WILL MEAN SO MUCH TO ME.-----
So.. I don't know exactly why or what it is that caused me to become seemingly quite depressed the past few weeks, but I have been very scared lately.
Scared for the fact that I think of death, dying, me dying, my life ending.. even though that may not be for 60+ 70+ years. My parents and everyone around my dying, and just the whole unknown factor of death and future/life .
I would think it started all from when my good friend died 4 months exactly ago (I know exactly because of Facebook), and then a month after that my dog who I was with from the moment we picked her out, till the moment she died in my arms and right in front of me (who I loved more than anyone else outside of my family that I could ever imagine) . I think those two things, along with me stopping suboxone 16/17 days ago (using kratom), and a bunch of life changes have been causing me to think very badly and negatively .
I basically go through the day feeling boxed in, trapped, and as if there is some dark cloud over me and I am just living through waiting for the next bad thing, someone or something to leave me again to happen. It causes me to just think that way almost all day, not be happy about things like I used to and as the night goes on I become more and more active with thoughts... and they scare the shit out of me and I don't want to think of this!
I go into bed and I distract myself as much as possible, my memory is bad .. so I can't say when these thoughts occur besides when I am laying down BUT when I lay down and try to sleep.. they happen and last night was terrifying. Thoughts of " Im going to die. I will die, then what? Nothing? Black? I can't even begin to phantom the experience, all of this and what was and going to be will be for nothing. It all will end the same. Why live to just die, why live to just ..... (I would think like that.. like my thoughts and everything just stop.. Its so hard to explain cause dying, and seeing it first hand.. Honey, my dog. From getting her and then seeing her leave... I saw her go from into my life and almost the most important thing.... to gone. Nothing but her body.) "
I think basically like that. I am not a suicidal person or I really believe I would have done that so long ago. And that is the problem, but also a very good thing. I KNOW I would never do it... BUT I am so scared and fear and honestly think... the way I die is going to be from myself... even though I could never do it, I think that way. I don't know if it makes sense, but it doesn't to me really either, but it's so scary and I hate it. To go through these days and to think so negatively, to not enjoy them as I should.. to think of death and the future. To think I am going to be the cause of my death, to think I am SO SCARED of death and yet I think of me being the cause of me dying (THAT MAKES NO SENSE! IF I DONT WANT TO DIE WHY WOULD I DO IT MYSELF EVER? )
And last night I was so freaked out with my thoughts I had to shut them off because they were thinking just SOOO fast and random shit that I was like "Oh my god.. what the fuck is wrong with me. I am going crazy it feels like, why am I think of this and that.. that is the most random thing.." EVERYTHING I thought of was the most random thing, I was thinking 100 thoughts a minute and had to take 2 of my klonopin to calm down and sleep..
My depersonalization is a very big catalyst in this, If I didn't have it still I wouldn't feel as much as I do about this.. and I can't wait for that to go away.
But I am scared.... I don't know what to do about it. So I thought last night... I need something to believe in, I need something to actually keep me going that I ACTUALLY COULD believe in. I never went to church and going now with all I've learned and thought throughout the past years.. it would be forcing a fish to live above water.. maybe you could do it, but it wouldn't work. it would be forced.
So I thought of things I may truly believe in.. and I came up with -
So.. I don't know exactly why or what it is that caused me to become seemingly quite depressed the past few weeks, but I have been very scared lately.
Scared for the fact that I think of death, dying, me dying, my life ending.. even though that may not be for 60+ 70+ years. My parents and everyone around my dying, and just the whole unknown factor of death and future/life .
I would think it started all from when my good friend died 4 months exactly ago (I know exactly because of Facebook), and then a month after that my dog who I was with from the moment we picked her out, till the moment she died in my arms and right in front of me (who I loved more than anyone else outside of my family that I could ever imagine) . I think those two things, along with me stopping suboxone 16/17 days ago (using kratom), and a bunch of life changes have been causing me to think very badly and negatively .
I basically go through the day feeling boxed in, trapped, and as if there is some dark cloud over me and I am just living through waiting for the next bad thing, someone or something to leave me again to happen. It causes me to just think that way almost all day, not be happy about things like I used to and as the night goes on I become more and more active with thoughts... and they scare the shit out of me and I don't want to think of this!

I go into bed and I distract myself as much as possible, my memory is bad .. so I can't say when these thoughts occur besides when I am laying down BUT when I lay down and try to sleep.. they happen and last night was terrifying. Thoughts of " Im going to die. I will die, then what? Nothing? Black? I can't even begin to phantom the experience, all of this and what was and going to be will be for nothing. It all will end the same. Why live to just die, why live to just ..... (I would think like that.. like my thoughts and everything just stop.. Its so hard to explain cause dying, and seeing it first hand.. Honey, my dog. From getting her and then seeing her leave... I saw her go from into my life and almost the most important thing.... to gone. Nothing but her body.) "
I think basically like that. I am not a suicidal person or I really believe I would have done that so long ago. And that is the problem, but also a very good thing. I KNOW I would never do it... BUT I am so scared and fear and honestly think... the way I die is going to be from myself... even though I could never do it, I think that way. I don't know if it makes sense, but it doesn't to me really either, but it's so scary and I hate it. To go through these days and to think so negatively, to not enjoy them as I should.. to think of death and the future. To think I am going to be the cause of my death, to think I am SO SCARED of death and yet I think of me being the cause of me dying (THAT MAKES NO SENSE! IF I DONT WANT TO DIE WHY WOULD I DO IT MYSELF EVER? )
And last night I was so freaked out with my thoughts I had to shut them off because they were thinking just SOOO fast and random shit that I was like "Oh my god.. what the fuck is wrong with me. I am going crazy it feels like, why am I think of this and that.. that is the most random thing.." EVERYTHING I thought of was the most random thing, I was thinking 100 thoughts a minute and had to take 2 of my klonopin to calm down and sleep..
My depersonalization is a very big catalyst in this, If I didn't have it still I wouldn't feel as much as I do about this.. and I can't wait for that to go away.
But I am scared.... I don't know what to do about it. So I thought last night... I need something to believe in, I need something to actually keep me going that I ACTUALLY COULD believe in. I never went to church and going now with all I've learned and thought throughout the past years.. it would be forcing a fish to live above water.. maybe you could do it, but it wouldn't work. it would be forced.
So I thought of things I may truly believe in.. and I came up with -