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Been Clean off dope for 3 months

Shits been going great! Passed my mid terms this week at the community college. Made me happy :DD Been off my meds for 2 weeks now. Been working out alot. Try to do it every mon-thurs. Quit smoking bud on the weekdays. And only party on the weekends. Just smoke bud on the weekends. And ive been 2 weeks clean off the benzos. However, i decided to celebrate for making all A's and B's on my exams. And take a xanax bar and .5 kpin and drink one of those tilt's 12% alch. I dont think it's bad too celebrate once in awhile if you don't have work too do and its for a special occasion... seeing as im an addict that's my mind set. Keep in mind i have been a drug addict ever since i was 12-13 then started with the heavy shit when i was 15-16 would apparantly cry if i didnt get some boy. quit for awhile and got back on the tar when i was 17-18. Now about to turn 19 here Dec.6. Been 3 months clean off the opis. But still have that occasion when i am bored and thinking the "crazies" my counselor calls it when "idle hands is the devils workshop" or something to do with us addicts along those lines. Would like to go back to snorting something and get really fuct up on some opis so i can nod out hard. Not heroin or anything.. Just some dones or some strong opis thats not a street drug.. I just would hate for it to ruin my 3 months or sobriety off opis... Like the benzos i dont care about as much.. But only do them once in a blue moon. But soon i want to be completely clean. Because i want to suceed in life and make something of myself. Im thinking about majoring in business or criminal justice like some type of forensics or having to deal with crazy people and learning about the brain and behavior..
 
Good for you for passing your exams! It really sounds like you're on the right track; having goals like yours will help keep you focused on staying off your main DOC, and in time perhaps even getting clean off of everything.

I agree that for most people the occasional indulgence is fine, but you need to be especially careful because of your history both with opiates and starting getting high at such a young age. Keep in mind too that benzos are insidious: they'll sneak up on you but quick.

But hey, you've got to acknowledge your accomplishments so far, and you've been doing great! Keep it up, and keep us posted :)
 
Yeah. Im not too worried about the benzos seeing as ive been addicted to them before and taking high amounts anywhere from 2-6 bars a day for like a year. This was before i got into opiates. But i can't see myself get hooked on benzos again. I try to limit myself and not get to crazy..
 
Try to find things you can get interested in.

I think that's one of the biggest setbacks people have when they first look into new things. If it doesn't immediately grab them by the balls and get their attention then it just isn't focused on anymore. Finding new hobbies takes time and focus. Think about it in drug terms even. You didn't start out one day having a bunch of connects and knowing exactly what to do and say. You worked at it over time and learned the game. A lot of other things in life are like that, except they don't have the immediate sensation of "oh shit I'm high".

I'm finding that I have to actively reflect on good things I'm doing. At the end of the day I have to look back and say that I'm glad I read those few chapters of that book or did that few minutes of cleaning. Yes, I probably could have done more or done a better job, but I didn't do nothing. I had done something and I have to mentally reward myself for that. It sounds sort of foolish, but I feel loads better when I do something simple like read part of a book, and then I look back and realize the information I gathered from reading. I think of how that might help me in the future somehow or how that had been like sending my brain to the gym for the first time in a while. Look for things that you can actively move forward in and can track your progress. Video games, as was mentioned, is one was such example where you can move forward and actively have seen your progress. You can go back to the beginning and see how much your skills have improved.
 
hah yeah.. alot of hobbies i used to love dont really interest me anymore. I don't know.. Life seems alot more boring now that im grown up and have seen life and nothing really appeases to me ( my addict mind talking) except getting high.. So weed is a must have. Shit just makes me feel calm and normal. But hopefully i'll get clean for good.. Just have lost all my motivation over the past 5-6 years.
 
^Anomaly..you loss of interest and apathy and all that other crap will start to fade away..ive been clean for about a year and the first months suck! If you told me last year i would be able to go out, do shit, hang out with people etc..without drugs and actually enjoy it i would NOT have believed you..BUT you can! It takes time...and its not easy but in my case i actually realized over time that all things i liked to do when i was high i STILL enjoy! you will find yourself again..its one day at a time
 
Yeah.. thats what they tell me. And thanks for all the feedback... people havent been posting/ giving me advice. I think once im clean for a year or so ill be alot happier and enjoy going out and doing my old hobbies. Hopefully ill have more ambition then too since ive been a junky ever since i was 10-18 bout to turn 19 on Dec.6th. But ever since ive been off the subs ive been getting these cravings. I have more self control then i used to but in the back of my mind i think " one cap wont hurt" or just a 20 piece of tar for today wont be bad just so i can get real doped out and nod... But i know thats my addiction talking. Today i actaully skateboarded the the first time in years and landed a 5 stair on the first try. Made me happy :D still got my skills haha. But i dont know... My dads a dick and thinks i sell my gas and food for money to buy drugs and hes always like you back in the hood scoring cheese? im like man fuck off... im trying my best. I dont want to hear your smart ass remarks. ( he hasnt been in my shoes so he has no idea what i go through) Still got the blue days evvery now and then but mainly im pretty happy. I think im still going through PAWS because i had a user dream the other day that my friends scored a bunch of dope and shot it up without me and i didnt get any (even though i dont shoot up) have tried but i fuct my arm up and didnt use a filter and apparantly could of killed myself so i quit right then and there.
 
^ a girl would help too. I used to use drugs as a way to escape reality from all the abuse and dysfunction in the family. Dad was never there and was an abusive drunk. My mom couldnt take my dad so she was always gone with her friends getting drunk and snorting coke.. So my childhood i was left by myself. The only people who took me in were my best friends whos family struggles with hard drug addiction and it broke up the family and the kids got on it and sooner or later i got on the hard shit because i just pretty much said fuck it and gave up on life. Didnt care anymore what would happen. I mean when u get all this physcial / emotional abuse and ur dad saying how you amount to nothing and your scum and dirt. It really fucks you up. And from getting kicked out of moms house then dads house then back to moms house then kicked out and back to dads house and now he moved me in an apt just so he wont have to see me or deal with me because thats how much he hates me.. Just makes me feel worthless :[
 
anomaly..it will get better, i went through major paws, it sucked and i just assumed that that feeling was how "sober life" felt..but it does go away and at first doing things without drugs is very strange but stay active! and little by little you will begin to realize that you can enjoy things without being high..it just takes time..thats the hard part...and the dreams SUCK. in my case i still have them every once and a while; but they will start to become more infrequent generally. Insomnia can last a while too..keep skateboarding and stay away from elements/friends/places where you would have access to drugs. In my case i actually had to literally move to another state because everything reminded me of drugs..
It sounds like you have had a rough time, im sorry to hear about the abuse..but your not worthless...maybe you should consider talking to someone about these feelings and what you've been through. Stoping using is a huge step but my advice would be to explore some of the underlying issues that drive you to want to use...as far as the girl goes...but all that on the back burner and work on yourself!! your doing the right thing, its really hard but it does get better...i tried to kill myself at one point when i got off subs-the paws was soooo overwhelming i was totally hopeless, it was awful...but it did pass..it will...
 
Anomaly, it actually sounds like a good thing that you are not living with your Dad right now. Nobody needs to hear how worthless they are--and from a parent? Do you live by yourself or have roommates?

Do you have support from a group or any kind of therapy available to you? I agree with Piebald that would be something that could really offer you some relief for your feelings, not to mention give you the support that you are not getting at home.

You are one strong survivor.<3
 
I'm so miserable...I've been off dope for over 5 months (on methadone), gained weight, feel like crap, sporadically I'll shoot some heroin but won't feel shit and hate all other drugs...I feel like the only way I could ever enjoy life again is by moving to Cambodia for those $20 grams of china... Yeah, I'm fucking miserable.
 
Damn, man im sorry. You sound like a buddy of mine. Hes on like 135 mgs of mdone now and i havent seen him in awhile. I miss him and worry about him :[
Glad to see all these nice comments. They are cheering me up nicely! :D It really means alot hearing ppl say im doing good.. makes me feel better about myself. Alot of people have noticed a huge difference and were worried about me.. But i just didnt care. I really dont know why i started to care and want to get clean. I miss the fucking shit out of being doped up every day not worrying about anything and just bliss... I guess i realize i cant live like that forever and i need to start my own life because i dont wanna live like a bum/junky anymore and i want to do something successful and productive with my life and prove to my dad that i dont need his sorry ass. I love him but fuck man.. Yes i got a drug counselor been seeing him ever since i got on the subs back when. He disagreed with me taking them but i took such a low does and tapered off quickly. like in a month or two ( not using it to get high) i was orignally supposed to take 2 8mg sub strips twice a day. Ive had subs and mdones before so i know that an 8 mg will fuck my world cause i took 2 8's my first time and puked guts and blacked out lol. But i took the 8 anywys cause i wanted to get "one last high" then switched to 4mg the next day stayed on that for like a month then 2 mg for a month and then 1 for like a week. then i was off. Now i got cravings and this PAWS bullshit my counselor warned me about but didnt read or believe it. But fuck man! Ive been fiending so more recently. Wanting to score so bad. The other day i was thinking about just cruising through the hood and see what all the crackys are up too lol.. Such a dirty and nasty place... I wanna try NA meetings again but like a teenage NA one because the first time i went i was still using and theyre talking about drugs all the time and it just made me wanna score so bad. Almost got up and walked out and went and coped. But i didnt.. but i never have been back. Cause all that 12 step bullshit " OH GOD SAVED ME, I AM CLEANSED!" no. thats bullshit. religion is all a crutch to lean on and something to count on. Like honestly what has god done for me.. And your not clean. Once a drug addict always a drug addict. Plain and simple... Sorry for the rant.
 
But yeah since i fiend all of the time. I usually smoke bud or synthetic weed to calm me down and relax me. And on the weekends If im not busy i get drunk because hey. Im doing what im supposed to be doing. Need to celebrate, you feel me? Prolly turn into an alchy like my dad hah. But i dont like alcohol too much. But i do like getting high/fucked up and weed doesnt do it for me. Weed is like a must have. I already know i got an addictive personality because of my mom and dad being alcoholics.. But my DOC is opiates. I was working out and quit smoking for a few weeks and would work out everyday after school for 2 weeks and i felt great! more energized, happy,not as tired/fatigue, all that. Cause u get all those chemicals flowing endorphins or w/e.. But unfortunatley i stopped that a couple weeks back and have been smoking alot more frequently recently and drinking alot more... But at least its not opiates. Cant ruin my 5 months sobriety... thats the longest ive been clean. But technically im not clean from weed,alcohol and benzos on the occasion but i try to keep that to a 1 month minimum or not at all...
 
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piebald said:
^Anomaly..you loss of interest and apathy and all that other crap will start to fade away..ive been clean for about a year and the first months suck! If you told me last year i would be able to go out, do shit, hang out with people etc..without drugs and actually enjoy it i would NOT have believed you..BUT you can! It takes time...and its not easy but in my case i actually realized over time that all things i liked to do when i was high i STILL enjoy! you will find yourself again..its one day at a time
Click to expand...

Do you think it will go away if im still smoking, drinking on the side? Im sure that makes the healing process take longer.. thats for sure. But fuck man ive been high everyday pretty much for half my life. I dont even remember what "normal" feels like because i was like 9 years old when i was "normal" or as normal as it gets with all the childhood abuse...
 
So yeah I broke my so called sobriety of heroin (been on methadone for over 1 yr and a half) today....I had no choice! I woke up late to the clinic and that nurse wouldnt wait for me! So i got some <snip> dope from the hood here in Downtown Miami....I couldnt just be sick all day...fuck..
 
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