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Been Clean off dope for 3 months

Yeah i know your right but fuck.... i cant believe it, im still in shock. Her viewing was today.. i didnt go. I wish i did. I just didnt know much of her family, only her grandparents. Figure itd be awkward but it may have helped with some closure... This sucks.. Seeing as i only knew this girl for a few months i didnt think it would be this hard but it is harder than the previous death i had to deal with and she was a life long friend. I guess its different when your intimate with someone... :'[[[ I still dont know how to get over these deaths. I dont think i ever will..
 
I'm sorry to hear about your friend

On another note, your progress is like watching a caterpillar turn into a butterfly.

Congrats bro, I'm rooting for ya 100%
 
Thanks man. 10 months clean dec 11th. I dont really think about getting high anymore. Ever. Thats not an option. On the other hand seeing as i cant do drugs because that is just a route to death. I have been thinking about other things to change the way i feel.. Like fighting/hurting myself. idk. ive been in so much pain, death just seems like a better answer nowadays.. but ill live. Most my friends dont rly appreciate who i am today and what i stand for. How i act. What i believe. idk.. that kinda pisses me off too. Feel so alone. I guess im just an uptight miserable asshole nowadays.. but ever since these deaths my view on things and the world is so negative. I hate everything.. I need to get back into my recovery and the program but even that isnt going as well as it used too. Ive branched away and isolated myself from everyone. So part of the loneliness is my fault. But its just hard to be around people who are your so called "friends" who dont really support you and talk down on the things that you are doing to try and better yourself. and people at N/A arent rly the type i would ever rly associate with in public.. idk...
I am better off like this then when i was doing drugs, so dont get me wrong. Dont ever wanna go back there. Its just been hard dealing with life on life's terms. Never had to deal with all this before...
 
So ive been feeling really suicidal recently. Honestly i got a lot of shit going for me. Im about to transfer to a uni and finish up college there the next 2 years. I get a year clean in like 15-20 days. My gpa is almost high enough to join that honor society frat. But im fucking tired man. Maybe im just at a low point today. Usually im good. But when i have bad days... they are bad. I dont reach out anymore. I cant really stand NA and I dont do the things I used to do when I first got clean. I dont participate in my recovery. I pushed away all my friends because they use and Im tired of them. Well so now I have nobody and im fucking lonely... These last 4-5 months have been so rough.. Not sure what to do anymore.
 
I bet! I've been wanting to do a tandem freefall for ages but it's a case of having the £250 available for it. Takes some balls to fall out of a plane three miles up, even strapped to an instructor. I'm officially envious.
 
hehe it was scary. 14000 feet up. going like 120 mph free fall. Such a rush. I cant wait to jump by myself. Thats the real test. Yeah its pretty pricey until you get certified and take the class. Then its like 25$ a jump
 
Man this guy told me the other day to watch this movie about the law of attraction saying some shit about how you give off this energy and you attract what energy you give off. Which i know is true. And ive been trying to get a better outlook on life again and be happy and look and act happy. But it just rubbed me the wrong way. Hes not the only one who have told me this. Im a loner. I dont talk to many people. Im stressed with school. Im not the most friendliest/happy/positive person to be around... I look down a lot. I guess i dont have much confidence. Its the one thing that always bothers me. The one thing i hate about myself. I dont know how to change it. If i am happy its for a short period. Im not always depressed. But im not happy or depressed. Im just... bleh. Idk. Life is such a fucking chore. Seeing as im 14 months clean and worked the 12 steps you would think that i would have a better attitude. But i dont. I hate that about me. I hate how i give off this vibe that im an asshole or just unhappy/miserable. I dont know if i will ever truly be happy. I cant see myself changing and it seems impossible to try. When i try i give up because i get discouraged. Ive been isolated myself and withdrawn from people since i turned about 9.... My sponsor tells me to pray on it. But i feel like that only works for so long or for so far. How is god supposed to change my personality? idk. Sometimes i feel like this is who i am nowadays. Its the way ive been programmed... its a long story. :\
 
Anomaly ...

Stay positive. Focus on the positive things you have going.

I'm sure you're going thru a transitional period with your friends since you are sober now, but that can be a good thing. Not a bad thing. I'm sorry for your loss, but hurting yourself will not make it better, and they wouldn't want that.

Who cares if you are a loner. Nothing is wrong with that. I'm a loner too sometimes. There will be people put in your life. Positive people. You just have to be patient and know when the time is right.

I will be your friend. I will introduce you to friends also. If you're anywhere near Dallas then come on.
 
I live in near ftw. but thanks for the kind words.. guess i just need to keep my head up. Its hard sometimes... Just broke up with my girlfriend and that was kinda a bummer.. just been going through a rough time.. doesnt ever seem like it will get better :\ losing a lot of hope i guess.
 
Don't lose hope Anomaly, take every amazing feeling you've grasped throughout this process and keep your head forward. You and me both know you can't give up now, not in sobriety and especially not in life because from reading this thread you are so much better than that.
 
<3 :] thanks.. i just get down on myself sometimes... sorry for acting like a weinerrrrrr xD
glad i have you guys to run too when i feel like my world is crumbling ;)
 
Anomaly, it makes perfect sense that if you are just coming through a break-up that everything will feel like shit. Just like falling in love colors everything happy, breaking up colors everything miserable. It seeps into everything in your outlook. Give that some time but keep it in perspective. Tell yourself that you know this is a temporary feeling. It is always easy to say, "See? Everything always goes back to misery." What is weird about us humans is we make that assumption over and over again about misery, but we never make the same assumption about happiness. the truth is that they are always temporary and mostly situational. Acceptance and gratitude are different. Those are the things to work towards rather than happiness. Ironically, when you begin to accept yourself and all your feelings, happiness occurs more.
 
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