Benzos Back in old destructive structures..

[Wiederholungen]

Hey dear people,
I was addicted for 10 years, made 18 therapy stationary (first 12 months from 2011-12, then 6 months from Oct 2013 till March 2014), then I was completely clean till january, i started to drink sometimes..not much, max. 5 beers at a party.
The Point now, why I was opening this Thread:
i had some difficult and stressy days and on one day, after work I've found some Oxazepam 50mg Tabs at a Busstation, 3,5 pieces. I took them with me and three days later I was alone at home (girlfriend no time) and took one, later on an other one. Then it happened very fast, i bought illegelly 10 Oxa and three Flunitrazepam. When I was a Junkie I used to inject them. So I ordered a needle and a Pump and I did it.

that's two weeks away..
now I take them everyday again, but not giving up my life. I have my girlfriend, work, studies..
but i use needles again, foot, so my girlfriend cant see it..

it's fucked up!
i need help! I have therapy, and a very good doc, i hope he can help me come down.

Since some weeks I take Ritalin too, for my studies, but now it all blurres, i mix Lorazepam, Ritalin, Clonazepam, and I've ordered Diclazepam, Flubromazepam and DeschloroEtizolam too..

i took it, less, but people recognize that I'm slower, tired, and so on..

ok, now I gotta go..
i just wanted to say everything!

i hope you can give me feedback, tipps, anything..

thanks for reading!!
greetings!

 

[Larc]

Dude, theres nothing to say other than to quit. Tapering doesnt seem required, but I would highly recommend it.

Addictions a bitch. RELAPSES SHOULD NOT BE SEEN AS A FAILURE. Couldnt say that enough. Think of it as just another stepping stone to sobriety if that is your end goal.

 

[Wiederholungen]

hey larc, thanks for your post!

yes, you're right.

but in fact it's not so easy. theoretically it's easy, yes..

the thing is that at the moment i have many problems, stress around me.
with this cane - thwe benzos - it feels easier for me to deal with this stuff..


when i lived my clean life i got other things to reduce stress, to deal with it.
i was going jogging 5 days a week, zen-meditation, i was djing at home just for fun and sometimes in the club, i go to yoga every week, kitesurfing, biking, travel around..

i could say i have found back to life and it worked real good without drugs.
to include alcohol was not such a thing, i don't have or had any problems with alcohol.

my study gives me a meaningful life and the job i make is sometimes really stressy, but not so much that i can't deal with it, but i love to work there

i have good friends, but since i've my girlfriend the contact is not so good anymore to them.
she - my girlfriend - needs many attention and time, and there are so many conflicts, i've the feeling they'll never stop. there's so much stress and somethime's i think "can't we just chill and enjoy the beautiful things in our life together?"

everyday there's a new drama she's creating.
she's like a choleric person, she's (a bit) a control freak {she looks at everything i do, like, and so on on fb - but in fact i dont spend much time on fb, max. 5min/day and mostly for messenging with people}, and she has the fear to loose me (she's 10 years older, that's maybe also a thing for her) and she is jealous sometimes. and she's the master of creating an elephant from a fly, in other words to satge-manage a drama.

but in meanwhile i understand her. she's coming out of a horrible realationship with a man who wasn't really not good to her, that stuff changed her a little bit.
she's making therapy and all but i've the feeling she's carring around a backpack filled with shit, and sometimes i say a word, or do something and that triggers off anything, one thing from this backpack, and it has notghing to do with me...and thats so exhausting. she's projecting his ex onto me.

you know i love her, we're together since 9 months and she's such a nice girl.
but in fact she's also fucked up, creating drama from nothing and making me horrible stress.
i could deal with it, but it's getting better and better..
i'm also fucked up, believe me.. but not like that. i worked out so many things for me and my backback is very small now - but it was big as hers..

but then i found these oxazepam on the street (-- i really think i would not have had an relapse if i didn't found these --) and i thought (maybe) "this could also be a release and a dealing with all this shit, like jogging, yoga, my other hobbys"
old thoughts came through..



and now i'm there back in my old structure and it sounds difficult to stop it just from one day to the other.
so i go to a doc at 10.nov and i hope he can create a plasn or somerthing.
i've the feeling im too deep in this sgit again to do it easily..

please people, i wanna hear what you have to say!!
give my your experiences with such relapses!

 

[speedballs_over]

Just wanted to write this, OP - you're very good at conveying your thoughts, I suspect English is not your native language, all the better. A little editing and an English spell check and you'd have a couple of excellent posts here.

I know the g/f drama... And the benzos. Short term solution to a longer term problem. Best to taper them now or just quit. Your g/f, if you're committed to her needs all of you, then maybe you guys can get to doing those things that naturally relieve stress.

Best wishes.

 

[Mad Dash]

Like has already been pointed out relapse is PART of recovery. Pretty much everyone that quits using drugs will relapse any number of times before it sinks in... or at the very least you get to a point where the guilt and shame of a relapse is so strong you stay clean after words for a very long time.

However, this is a little different you went overboard now you have to reel yourself back in. You have two options: 1) Just stop using this shit CT. If you are not at risk of seizure levels you need to just throw it all away and flush the drugs. I don't care how much money they cost, let that be a lesson to you. 2) Tell someone you are close to that you are full blown addicted and you need help (girlfriend, wife, family, whatever). This way there will be people watching you and making you feel guilty if you let them down. If you are unwilling to do this then you really don't have what it takes. You should be willing to move the earth to get off this shit if that really is your goal, because that is essentially how hard what you are doing is. NO addiction is easy to break.

If you don't think you can do this, I suggest going to medical detox, and then going to an inpatient rehab facility. You know as well as I do that the benzo game will kill you when you WD from them if your tolerance is too high. Please get help my friend. Let us know how you are doing and what we can do to help. Good luck.

 

[Larc]

Sorry, I didnt mean to imply any of this would be easy.

Part of addiction treatment is identifying the reason you use drugs (not an easy thing to do sometimes) and more importantly identifying your triggers to prevent future relapse.

From what you've told us, I would think deeply about your relationshipa andwhether its worth it. Theres no girl in the world worth an addiction IMO.

Im pretty good at identifying my reasons and triggers for addiction. Im waybetter at coming up with new reasons though.

 

[SKR]

Oh man OP I can relate but I've let myself go much further than you have although that matters not, we are both addicts. I had 9 years clean time as of a 18months ago yesterday...developed a chronic pain condition during a hospitalisation due to pancreatitis in which I lost my gall bladder and was diagnosed with some potentially life threatening pre-cancerous condition, something else horrific happened to myself and my family which saw me develop PTSD, panic attack and anxiety disorders.

I started oxycodone for the pain but because of the stress my habit has gotten way out of hand to where now I'm tolerant to 240-500mgs of oxycodone per day with no change in my mental and physical condition. An opiate habit is new to me, I used to be an insane amounts IV crank/meth user & dealer, endless product in large amounts - which ended after about 12years of mostly high time, and I saved my life by walking away. Some 9 years later and I have an oxy habit, used everyday for 18 months so far and if it wasn't for my wife and young son I would have killed myself. The guilt and shame is crippling, plus the never ending pain and the sense that I am dying or should be dead.

I can't believe I'm an habitual drug addict again! Stop now OP, walk away, you're going to have to communicate with your girlfriend about all this but break her into it gently, she may go either way - blame herself and/or blame you, but this needs to get out in the open to some degree because the stress that she is creating is likely to push you further into your old ways. Cut out the IV stuff right away - start to ingest/swallow your pills and powders, but pull up now!

The addict in me has completely taken over but what drives it - guilt, shame, mental illness & pain is not what motivated me in the past....back then I was a thrill seeker and enjoyed my drugs thoroughly until I had enough. You should never turn to addictive drugs as a means to escape - this was my advice to everyone throughout my life even to myself until 18 months ago when I started oxycodone - I was reformed, recovered, have a great life but here I am not being able to see the good, dwell on the bad and have an opiate habit that will destroy everything I worked so hard to create. I'm trying to decide if I should seek out opiate replacement therapy or taper down and walk away.

Good luck OP, stop as soon as you can, work on the things that are driving the stress, we both need to take this advice and get a plan of action to start the rest of your life. Lets not kill ourselves and end the year on a good note.

 

[SluttyPeach]

We all feel for you man. Quitting is never easy and even though its something I have yet to do successfully, I try to encourage others to get clean.

This relationship doesn't seem to be healthy for you and is certainly contributing to your issue, but then again none of us really knows what goes on in your life. But having a gf/bf whos controlling is NOT good or normal. Sometimes it helps you stay clean if you address the other issues in your life before quitting. For many, their drug use causes problems and exacerbates existing ones but sometimes theres that little something that drives you to use in the first place. Just a thought.

From what I've gathered you could detox safely at home but if you have any doubts or get too uncomfortable you can check into a facility. Physical withdrawals aside, anxiety is no joke. Good luck OP

 

[manboychef]

You should be willing to move the earth to get off this shit if that really is your goal, because that is essentially how hard what you are doing is. NO addiction is easy to break.

This. I love the way you put things mad dash. This summed up how I felt when I was in jail, and fully realized the first step.

OP: Relapse starts off as a state of mind. It comes from a combination of complacency and undeveloped coping skills. Generally, the thoughts will be in your mind for a while until you decide to do something. It may not be your drug of choice, in your case it was alcohol that tipped the scales, but will always eventually lead you back to habitual/abusive use unless you can get some help and stop yourself. Posting here for advice is a great first step in the struggle my friend. As posters have stated, honesty is the best policy in your situation....It seems like if your GF found out about your using instead of you telling her it can become even more stressful for you quickly.

If you start having horrible withdrawals please go to a hospital. Promise us that.

 

[Wiederholungen]

It seems like if your GF found out about your using instead of you telling her it can become even more stressful for you quickly.

Yes, you could be right, but till now she didn't mentioned any puncture points, she just one asjed me about why there is a bruise on my right hand, on the right lower side, and I told her i hasd to change a lamp and I slipped at that's why there's a bruise now..
the thing is i could hide the puncture oints real good... I injected in both crooks of my arms and on the right side I got a syringe abszess. Here was the story that I helped out at a restaurant and hot oil sprinkled on my crook and burned me, and so badöly that I have to take antibiotics, because it's infected.
on the right arm it looked also not so good and it's also a very small abszess and I told her I was at the doctor to make a routine blood check and because my veins are so scarred she needed more attempts and she failed a vein, and that's why it looks so bad.
so now i have on both arms bandages, on the right one only a band-aid, and it's ok this way.

she believed me this story. i think a friend of mine, who's also an ex-user would have never believed me this storys, but she have got no experience with drugs or drugs addicts, and I'm very good at lying, so that's it.

but that's not all, started onm my foots, but stopped early, because it's very difficult for me (I'm not so agile), and so i started on my hands..
i but on several times a day ointment on them and it looks not so bad, you have to look very closely to see that there are injection points..
but i wear long swaeathers with long sleeves, so i can cover them easily.
so i think if i could stop doing needles she would never know about it and i think thats a good thing.

i was at the doctor, the old kapatzunder, theres's now a reducing plan from lorazepam, at the moment i take 4 a day, but today's reducing day, today only three. he says's step by step. he's proud of me that I come so early and not when everything is destroyed - like his other patients who have relapses..
tomorrow I'll see him again. he makes acupunture too againtst caraving, but I think I'll feel this only when i stop with the needles..

I'll write later again some more.. gotta go to the dentist..

thanks for the help, friends!

 

[Soulgasm]

There's really no point to iinjecting benzodiazepine tablets. That is all.

 

[Wiederholungen]

Why not?

 

[bobby1978]

They have really high oral bioavailability??

 

[SKR]

I assumed at least some of them aren't water soluble.

 

[Wiederholungen]

Lorazepam is water soluble!

Hey guys, I've stopped with Lorazepam IV!!
at the moment I take 3 * 2,5mg
plan is reducing it every four days!

But to stop the Ritalin IV is much harder!
This stuff kicks like hell! And I'm motivated, concentrated, feeling good..
but I work on that too..

feeling better now, wounds are healing!
therapy does his stuff, i think it's going upward!

greetz

 

[Mad Dash]

Good, I am glad to hear you are on the path, just keep going until you and you doctor are happy with your current medical status. I wish you all the luck and can not tell you how proud I am that you are doing this. Way too many threads of people who just CAN'T do it. (which is never true) Keep it going my friend.

 

[Wiederholungen]

ok, today i took a lot of ritalin instead of benzos.

needle is still very interesting. benzos are boring IV but ritalin is wow!

I took just 2,5 lorazepam until now and maybe 70 or 80mg rital IV..

i wanted to work on a piece for university, but i didn't have started yet.
but i think i'll start now.. and after I'm done i take the benzos..

there's a dynamic now, i don't think that's good the way it is..
and i have a little headache, maybe too less water

 

[Wiederholungen]

Hey Guys,

I think I'm now addicted to Ritalin.
I only take IV, mostly 20mg in the morning after breakfast, and then - after I took some Benzos (I'm now on 6mg Lorazepam, 3,5 after lunch and 2,5 in the evening.
Then I take 20mg Ritalin IV.

I'm really dumb, because I've ordered DeschloroEtizolam 6mg 25pc and Diclazepam 2mg 30pc...
I've made a IV-solution with alcohol and water and tried it some times..

It's really hard to cut off using IV..

but my body has markes of the ejections everywhere, hands and feet..
for three days i had a little accident with my bike and i got a bruise on my right thump and I have to wear a bandage, so I try to use only this hand..

my girlfriend didn't have a clue about my use, but Yesterday she said that she's the feeling that I am hiding something from her...
so I think she feels that I've changed a little bit and that there's something wrong, because I couldn't get an orgasmus since I've startet using again.

I don't know what to do!
I know I've to stop using IV and then reducing both drugs..
but I think Benzos first, or What do you think?

And should I tell my girlfriend?

Thanks for your answers!

 

[Wiederholungen]

Hey guys..

It's horrible at the moment.
I said to my girlfriend that I'm using again since four weeks.
That was schocking for her and she needed time to understand why i couldn't tell her before..
I had to explain a lot, but in the end she was calm and was understanding that it's sometimes very hard for a Ex-User, who's under a lot of pressure, to say no to a drug when it's in front of you, like I told you at the bus-station.

I'm reducing!
I have a plan and I'll go down fast..
But there's still this Ritalin in my life..

Please Post some feedback.. I need your feedback!