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Awful depression..

Grigore

Grigore

Bluelighter
Joined
Jan 8, 2014
Messages
263
Location
Cemetery
I'm a miserable person.

When I'm happy,I'm ignorant,egocentric,selfish,uninterested in the consequences of my immoral actions and their psychical and emotional impact on others.
When I'm sad,I cut and burn myself,I feel like the worst person in this world,all I want to do is to suffer while making others smile.

I really want to change,but,whenever I want to do good things,I feel sad and joyful in the same time and I start crying.
The problem is that whenever I cry,my brain resets itself and I become once again,emotionless,not interested in showing or receiving any form of empathy.
And this process repeats like an infinite loop.

The following story is the beginning or better said,the cause of my second unfortunate psychotic breakdown:

1 week ago,I carried an old man to the hospital,he was having a seizure on the side of the road and people were passing him like nothing happened,I couldn't believe how much ignorance I was seeing in front of my eyes.
1 day later I went to the hospital to check if he is alright.
In the moment I've entered the hospital room,I was greeted with a wide smile and a blissful feeling of gratitude from a person which I helped.
This was enough to make me cry and hug him with all of my love that I've never thought I have and will always have for any other person.

This sounds like a story with a happy end,but,as my brain reseted itself after I cried,all of my love and empathy were erased,leaving myself emotionless once again.
In order to negate and stop thinking about the event,the first thing that I've done when I've arrived home was to start drinking.
And this is what I did for 6 days,sleeping 12 hours,drinking every hour for 12 hours and so on.
Until,in the last 2 days,my alcohol reserve was running low and I had to drink smaller and smaller amounts to have enough for next week as well.

This is when I've started experiencing alcohol withdrawal.
As delirium tremens settled in,I had the idea of ingesting 5 A. muscaria shrooms,a great idea for having a psychotic breakdown as I had from datura abuse.

Long story short,I'm fine now,except,I'm extremely depressed and I can't stop contemplating suicide.
I'm considering killing myself and I'm dead serious about this.

Am I mentally ill?
Is there any hope left for me?

Thank you for reading my story,I felt the need to share my feelings along with the events that I've lived this week.
 
My friend, you are sorely in need of unpacking your feelings and getting at the root of what you're experiencing. As you know, as you are courageously acknowledging now, the way you are feeling is not normal and there is a lot more to life and you're missing out. Suicide is not the answer, your life will get better, and you will be happy to be alive and look back on these times as a character building experience. I know how you feel - I've been there - and friends are not enough to help you. You need to work with a therapist to help you figure out what's going on. And then, with his/her guidance, you will need to be referred to a psychiatrist to help you get your brain chemistry right. Of course you know very well that shrooms and alcohol are not the answer but I'm glad you're being safe and aware with them.

Let me tell you what to do to find a therapist & what to expect. If you have insurance, you can get a list of therapists they provide coverage for. Choose one whose age & gender are the most comfortable to you. Call them, you'll _always_ get the voicemail, leave a message asking them to call you back. Most will call you back but some won't. Some will tell you their practice is full, no problem. Some will ask you what's going on and all that, no need to get too specific, just say you need someone to talk to and to help you get your life together. Make an appointment, keep the appointment, and be honest. If you don't have insurance, do all the above anyway and pay out of pocket. Yes it's expensive but not as expensive as a drug habit.

Hope is very important. Look forward to things you want to do in life. Do you want to find romance? Build a satisfying career? Go on vacations? Try new restaurants and foods?

You have a lot to live for. You're important, and you need to believe that because it's true.

Good luck!
 
I feel for you, you did a good thing for the poor old guy on the road having seizurs, life is difficult and confusing and depressing for us. We're different from normal people. It all comes to a close eventually but we got to suffer for the time being.
 
Grigore, your opening with "I'm a miserable person" really struck me since someone I really loved told me that once. But it's not that way, really you're depressed not necessarily miserable. I drink to help with the pain too and I hate crying because it makes my head hurt. I think the chemicals involved are making it worse, but take them away and you're still feeling vulnerable and raw. There is no easy solution here just know that you're not alone with this.
 
puking said:
are you still experiencing DTs?
Click to expand...
No,I'm fine now,just a bit dizzy today.

Are those weird mood swings the sign of a major mental disorder?
I can't go to the psychiatrist because he will admit me to a psych ward and I don't want to go there,not again.
 
Grigore said:
No,I'm fine now,just a bit dizzy today.

Are those weird mood swings the sign of a major mental disorder?
I can't go to the psychiatrist because he will admit me to a psych ward and I don't want to go there,not again.
Click to expand...

I hear what you're saying about not wanting to see a psychiatrist but such diagnosis can only be made by qualified practitioners as part of face to face consultations, responses here would be nothing but speculation.

As others have suggested avoiding drugs that you know will push you into dangerous states of mind would clearly help but if you are self harming and feeling very low I would still urge you to seek medical help. From your posts now you seem to be in a better place so you should take the opportunity to do something positive to change your situation whilst you are in control of what happens next.

All the best
 
After all,I think I will stop avoiding the solution of this problem and go to a psychiatrist.
I just hope he won't diagnose me with schizophrenia so I'll have to stay a lot in the mental ward...
Thank you.
 
Grigore said:
No,I'm fine now,just a bit dizzy today.

Are those weird mood swings the sign of a major mental disorder?
I can't go to the psychiatrist because he will admit me to a psych ward and I don't want to go there,not again.
Click to expand...

Thoughts of suicide, severe depression, anhedonia, mania, overwhelming feelings of doom, etc are all common symptoms experienced after or during alcohol withdrawal. You might not be in acute WD but symptoms can linger on for months after and there is no way you are back to baseline yet.

Unfortunately time is really the only cure for this. It may turn out that you have no mental disorder and it was the booze and withdrawal from it making you feel this way. I found out that i was really just masking my anxiety and bipolar disorder with alcohol. I finally got treated for both years after i had quit drinking. If you get thoughts of self harm or if things really start to go sideways for you seek help ASAP. Psychiatrists will only admit you if they think you are a danger to yourself or others and as i found out even then they often won't admit you.
 
I get extreme mood swings that I can associate to the time of the day.
In the morning,emotionally,I'm the most stable.
In mid day,I sometimes have moments of exaltation,arousal,happiness followed by moments of unexplained sadness.
In the night,I'm extremely depressed without any obvious reason.

I experience these mood swings in the exact same way,every day.They are accompanied by thoughts of suicide,feeling of being watched,anxiety,inner-anger,disappointment,big lack of confidence.
Combine these with the daily anhedonia,mania and sudden deep-depression that I experience every day,you might realize why I feel hopeless.
 
man, first off stop taking all those drugs. I think you need some sober time to recollect your shit and re-evaluate your life.
do you have any hobby? you should try and find something to fill you spare time and that also makes you happy and gives you satisfaction. for example running, or playing an instrument. also doing excercise naturally releases serotonin dopamine and norepinephrine, so why don't you just go out and run for a while? just put on some music you like and run, try to forget all this sadness and despair.
think about some good aspects about yourself. you said that when you helped that man having a seizure you felt really happy, why don't you just go out and help people if that makes you happy?

i don't really know you but trust me when I say that I feel really sorry that you feel this way, and that from your posts you seem a good and interesting person (i really mean it)
hope you get better soon, and please don't kill yourself, there is always hope even in the darkest of the moments :D
 
I'm convinced that the entire Hell is waiting for my return.It will not be the first time when I'll visit it,when I get there,demons will recognize a familiar face.
I've had a NDE from dxm over-overdose and I know that I can't change anything now,I'm just prolonging the miserable time that I have left in this world.
Right now,it's night in my country,if,next friday,after running and going to the shrink I won't change my perspective on life,I promise that nobody will hear from me anymore.
 
i'm 18 and live in Italy. isn't grigore a romanian surname?
anyway, I'm much younger than you but you still have your whole life ahead. for how long have you
been depressed? tell us something about you if you feel like doing it, i'm sure most of us would be interested in hearing your story :)
oh and btw, do you still want to write your book?
 
I've finished my book,but I'm not sure if I should publish it.
Who would be interested in understanding psychosis or at least,reading about the experiences that I've had while being affected by that deranged state of mind?
There aren't many people that want to know how it's like to be crazy or abuse drugs daily,how would I help humanity by publishing my book?
 
The biggest reason people dont get published is they never send it in.. go for it what do you have to loose?

Sounds to me like your getting hit with some significant paws.. first step throw all the fucking guilt and shame out the window of a moving jet. Its not warranted and only makes us miserable and drives use.

Here is some good information about PAWS, depressive thinking, exercise and mood.

PAWS LINKS
Why We Don’t Get Better Immediately: Post-acute Withdrawal Syndrome (PAWS)
Post Acute Withdrawal (PAW) Excerpted From “Staying Sober” By: Terence T. Gorski
Post-acute-withdrawal syndrome Wiki
http://www.clairedorotik.com/NLWC-EXERCISE_AND_MOOD.htm
Managing depressive thinking

it is a powerful thing to keep our thoughts possitive and here are some threads many of us use to help us do this.
Good things about being off drugs/getting sober
Share something POSITIVE from your day!
Today I Am Thankful For... Ver. 3: Earth, Wind and Fire!


I will PM you a thread about Psychoses you may want to check out.
 
I just read your poem in the words forum and replied to you there and it interested me into seeing your previous few posts, glad I did. I'm not a psychiatrist but I can understand what you're experiencing, if I was allowed to diagnose you, I would say.. and I want to stress this is speculation, maybe wds mixed with a little schitzoaffective disorder. do some research on it and see if you think the symptoms match what you're experiencing. hope I helped. BTW hope you can understand what I mean in my response to your poem in the words forum, but I am almost certain you will find a way to interpret it into a way you can understand. good luck to you on this long lonely road, just remember the road is only as long and lonely as you want it to be. we are here for you. if you ever need a very open minded person who tries to not judge anyone unless forced, to vent to, feel free to pm me anytime.
 
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