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August getting/staying sober v. you can do it!

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Yeah, but I'm pretty guilty of it. When you put it the way you did, it made me realize I was kind of being an asshole. I'm typically pretty stubborn with my opinions and very expressive of my opinions as well.

So, sorry to anyone who I have upset with my preaching!

Stay strong and stay clean (whatever that means to you).
 
Wow. :(
Shitty. Fucking. Day.



Where to begin... So My room mate at the sober living house has been exhibiting minor changes in behavior recently. I didn't think much of it, could have been a number of things. However last night my friend girl, two house mates and I all agreed he appeared to be kind of twacked out. I just became Resident Adviser this week, didn't have a copy of the managers key yet so I couldn't grab a urinalysis. It was hella late so we waited till this morning then informed the house manager that he needed to be drug tested. The manager comes in and wakes him up informing him he has to submit to a UA, he agrees and asks to smoke a cig and make some coffee first. I supervise him during the smoke, we go back inside and he proceeds to start making coffee. The manager, myself, and my friend girl are all sitting on the couch in view watching him, when all of a sudden he collapses and crashes down with the coffee machine on top of him, appearing to be having a seizure - glass from the coffee pot shatters everywhere. Was quite a scene. He snaps out of it and sits up acting all confused, we help him over to the couch I get him some water and we get 911 on the phone promptly. While waiting for the EMT's we ask what he's been using - He says the only thing new in his system is welbutrin, which could have actually accounted for strange behavior, tweakiness, seizure, etc (in rare cases).

I go out to greet/direct the EMT's over to where we're at in the complex and bring them inside. He proceeds to tell them the same thing when they ask, that he hasn't been using - just welbutrin - blah blah. After they go through the usual routine they strap him up and load him into the ambulance to take him to the hospital, he maintains his story of sobriety.

Afterwards, we go to the key cutters so I can get copies of all the important keys from the manager, and we head back. He asks me to make sure I drug test him when he gets back from the hospital, then bounces to go to a meeting. I start thinking about it, and regardless of the welbutrin decide to search his stuff. After all he's my room mate, if he's using and there's shit in my room - I have the right to know, especially since I have a certain level of responsibility with staff now.

It takes me all of 5 minutes to find a loaded syringe in his box of shit at the foot of our bunk bed, what looked like a ready made shot of methamphetamine (possibly cocaine). I instantly stop everything I'm doing, leave the room and call the manager as well as inform my housemate that was home at the time. The manager rushes back and I help him conduct a more thorough search of the room. We end up finding two more cooked up ready to go shots of what looked like meth, a spoon and 20+ used syringes, many of which didn't even have caps and were just exposed used needles. we disposed of the cooked up shots and locked up everything in the Med closet, usually we would have disposed of everything but we aren't risking touching dirty fuckin' needles that don't have caps. This fuck head can do it himself when he comes to grab his shit.

Turns out I'd been living in a room with an active twackstar and let myself be blind to it, while surrounded by drugs and paraphernalia IN MY FUCKING LIVING QUARTERS where i pay a LOT of money to be in a safe environment. I was fucking heated to say the least. I understand it's an SLE, addicts relapse, yada yada - but c'mon. There's a respectful fucking way to relapse, and this wasn't it. I don't understand why someone would jeopardize peoples LIVES and recovery to pay extra living expenses for sober housing only to be using while living there. wtf. :X

Suffice to say, now that I have the power to do so, if I suspect ANYTHING I will not hesitate to breathalyze/drug test anyone who lives here with me, regardless of if they're my friend. I let the people here that I trust to let me know if they suspect anyone as well In case I miss something.


Sorry this turned into a bit of a rant/longer story than it needed to be. Just a crazy day and I wanted to vent in detail. I am really proud of myself for how I handled everything though, and didn't use over it. I was a hardcore IV drug user for a few years, however this wasn't triggering luckily, I was disgusted at the site of what I found. Seriously.. In my fucking bedroom...

AHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :!8(:!


I felt like screaming after typing that but didn;t want to wake up my house mates.



TL;DR
My room mate at sober living had a seizure, I found a few made up shots of meth and 20+ used syringes in our room, I officially have the power to drug test people now at the SLE. (among other things)
 
Good morning, everyone. (6am here.)

Starting day 10, no stims/psychs/alcohol.

While cleaning the garage yesterday I found an old pipe loaded with marijuana mixed with 5-MEO-DALT. It's just sitting where I found it. I don't want to touch it. I should just throw it away, but it's in a hand-carved bone pipe given to me by an old friend who is no longer with us. I should go throw it in a bucket of paint thinner and neutralize it that way.

CaseFace -- I totally agree that it was extremely disrespectful of your (ex)roommate for being so blatantly selfish and inconsiderate as to have all that loaded gear around the way he did. BUT... I'm going to ask you to show mercy anyway, if you can. Everyone needs mercy.
 
Hey case please let us all in if you were triggered... as finding loaded rigs would probably be a significant trigger for most people.. remember we are addicts not super heros and the only shame would be having been triggered and not letting anyone know.. because it could lead to the relapse of someone working a strong recovery.. and that would be a real shame..
 
Good morning, everyone. (6am here.)

Starting day 10, no stims/psychs/alcohol.

While cleaning the garage yesterday I found an old pipe loaded with marijuana mixed with 5-MEO-DALT. It's just sitting where I found it. I don't want to touch it. I should just throw it away, but it's in a hand-carved bone pipe given to me by an old friend who is no longer with us. I should go throw it in a bucket of paint thinner and neutralize it that way.

Oooh.. can you ask someone else to help you with that? That's rough. The longer it sits the more likely your brain is to convince yourself that it is ok to smoke.

@Case - That must be very difficult. You are basically an inspiration to us with your positive moods so please stay alive! Glad to hear you made it through and didn't use.
 
Thanks - I honestly wasn't triggered in the sense that I had a true "craving" after finding the needles, I didn't allow myself to process what was in front of me for long enough, because I was worried about where the thoughts would lead if I waited to do something. That's why I immediately left the room, called that instant and waited for the manager to arrive in order to continue the search.

However I did have "thoughts" while waiting for the manager - by no means was it close to a craving, just those simple thoughts like "It'd be nice to do just one shot...". I wouldn't be an addict if something like that hadn't crossed my mind. However I acknowledged the insanity of the thought, told myself a dozen reasons why that would be a terrible idea and focused on what needed to be done. It never developed into an actual craving, which I am immensely grateful for.

Just found out the guy might be moving back in after 3 days of suspension...
100px-0,20,0,19-Emoticon-Facepalm.gif



I hope everyone is doing well though! I'm fine. Went to the weekly after care group where I attended rehab as well as a regular AA meeting, after this shit went down yesterday. So I'm good.

Like I said, I had brief and minor thoughts about the syringes that could have lead somewhere bad had I not stopped them in it's tracks, but had no real craving and was honestly disgusted. I am SOOOO grateful that I have been working a solid daily program of recovery - If my entire program had been nothing but living at this house, I can almost guarantee the situation would have ended differently. This right here is why I work a program - because I need a safety net when shit goes wrong! Also, LUCKILY, I never randomly came across the syringes while my guard was down, I was conducting a search and expecting to find something - so I suppose I had mentally prepared myself for the possibility. However if it had been some random occurrence where I accidentally stumbled across it and hadn't been prepared.. Who knows?

Thanks all. STAY SAFE! <3<3
 
Case I am so proud of the way you handled that situation! Major kudos to you buddy!!! You well deserve the keys and the ability to drug test at random. Risking others sobriety when they are actively searching to be clean is not cool. So many virtual hugs to you!!! <3
 
Thanks! <3


I can understand why he did it though. If I relapsed, I could see myself doing whatever I could to keep the world from crashing down around me. I'd like to say I wouldn't bring drugs in the house, but I honestly don't know since I haven't been in the position. All I can do is continue working my program and pray I'm never in that situation myself, because I'd rather not even have to find out what I'd do if I relapsed.


Keep it up everyone. :)
 
Sooo...

Looks like my room mate will be moving back into the SLE on monday after a few days of suspension. This is the room mate the had a seizure and subsequently I found syringes and shots of meth in his stuff, a couple days ago.


This is going to be awkward... I can't trust this guy. Oh well. I have the power to ask him to submit to a drug test if I suspect, and his refusal is the same as a positive. He won't get a third chance so we'll see how this goes...
 
Yesterday was the first opiate-addiction-free birthday I've had in 4 years and it topped every single one of those years a hundred fold. It felt good!! Ahh I wish I could tell you guys about it lol but some parts of it could trigger people, so I won't and I'll just say what an amazing time I had! With normal, not strung out junkie friends... I reconnected with friends I lost touch with while I was using and I made a TON of new ones. It feels so good to have healthy relationships again, where you have friends who look out for you, and like you for you and not what you can give them, and who want to be around you simply for the time you can spend together, and who you can make awesome memories with. August is looking to be a great month and so is September - looottts of electronic music events that I'm stoked on. I am LOVING LIFE right now. <3 It feels so good to not be tied down to heroin anymore. There's sooo many things I want to do and things I've always wanted to do, and now I'm free to do all of those things and confident that I can do or be anything I want... there's freedom in that too <3

I hope everyone is having a beautiful day and staying strong :)
 
^Nice work!

I'm 2 weeks no opiates, no benzos, no substitutes. Physically better but psychologically still lethargically depressed and constantly anxious - need to force a mood if ya know what I mean.

Suboxone had a motivating effect on me so it makes sense that I'm feeling the opposite now.
 
This has been a bad week for me. :(


Just got some terrible news, a good friend of mine who was my room mate at rehab a few months back just died. Apparently he had a heart attack in his sleep. He was only 29 years old. I'm at a loss right now. How does someone who survives a 300+mg/day IV oxy habit get clean only to die of a heart attack... This young... He was doing so well. Staying sober, working a program/going to meetings... I used to think those of us lucky enough to survive addiction and get clean had a reason for still being here - Now I'm not so sure...

He was a good person. He was a firefighter/EMT. He just got back from volunteering at a children's summer camp for burn victims. His words of wisdom have helped many others in their recovery - including me. When I was having a hard time those first few weeks and wanted to say fuck it, he helped me get my head out of my ass and stay focused. He could have continued helping people and continued to save lives on a daily basis...

RIP Gary... You will be missed...
151010_1544743174600_408099_n.jpg

(on the right)
 
This has been a bad week for me. :(


Just got some terrible news, a good friend of mine who was my room mate at rehab a few months back just died. Apparently he had a heart attack in his sleep. He was only 29 years old. I'm at a loss right now. How does someone who survives a 300+mg/day IV oxy habit get clean only to die of a heart attack... This young... He was doing so well. Staying sober, working a program/going to meetings... I used to think those of us lucky enough to survive addiction and get clean had a reason for still being here - Now I'm not so sure...

He was a good person. He was a firefighter/EMT. He just got back from volunteering at a children's summer camp for burn victims. His words of wisdom have helped many others in their recovery - including me. When I was having a hard time those first few weeks and wanted to say fuck it, he helped me get my head out of my ass and stay focused. He could have continued helping people and continued to save lives on a daily basis...

RIP Gary... You will be missed...
151010_1544743174600_408099_n.jpg

(on the right)

"I used to think those of us lucky enough to survive addiction and get clean had a reason for still being here - Now I'm not so sure..." He died a sober man, hopefully in full possession of his wits, with the willpower of a titan. I empathize with your loss, man. But, recovered addicts can die just like anyone else. Please don't let this bring you down. Fight the depression I'm sure this is going to cause. To your friend, Gary, that his memory will strengthen your resolve to fight the addictions that consumed too much of the time we DO have to live.
 
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Addiction is hell and so is soberity!

Congrats to sooooo many of you and your major achievements you shared! I have yet to share a major achievement but I'm hoping to be smart this month. My dr Ppt is today and I get refill on all my scripts. A major fucking score for me would be to not abuse this month. Take as directed. Th god if I can just do that I would be in such a better place. I could resist the calling for one more one more - why not I've got plenty. Ugh!
I can do it but I have to be realistic. I know there will be days I wants more and ill say like Case says Not right Now Maybe Later. And I know there will be times where when I give in.
My sister is having a baby in oct. I will be a first time Auntie. I want to get this under control before then. I don't know if I can be clean but cleaner if ya know what I mean. I'm hoping after the baby is born there will be so etching that kicks in with me. That see that pure face and longs for it.

Good job peeps!!! Baby steps for me!
 
Thanks Guy, I'm not letting it bring me down so don't you guys worry - I've been through shit like this enough to know that you never get through something like this until you face it sober. If you use you just end up going through misery about what happened every single night, until you finally face it clear headed. Using won't bring him back, and would in fact besmirch his memory, who he was, and what he would have wanted. So like I said, I'm not using over it... I'm about to have 90 days and I'm not about to lose that. (I need to count, my 90 might even be today!)

Nicsdragon - what is the prescription for? If you don't mind me asking. Also, if it's a narcotic which I'm assuming it is, I just posted this recently in a different thread so I'll post it here - You can't control your using and enjoy it, nor can you enjoy it and control it. Which means if you're controlling the use of a narcotic you will be miserable and if your enjoying the use it will be out of control, and inevitably you will also be miserable. This is why abstinence is ultimately the only way.

Hope everyone is staying clean(ish) and doing well! I hope you've all had a better week than me by the way.. Losing friends is terrible. But shit happends - I'll get through it and the best part is I don't have to use over it.

Edit:


I GOT 90 DAYS TODAY!!
 
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This has been a bad week for me. :(


Just got some terrible news, a good friend of mine who was my room mate at rehab a few months back just died. Apparently he had a heart attack in his sleep. He was only 29 years old. I'm at a loss right now. How does someone who survives a 300+mg/day IV oxy habit get clean only to die of a heart attack... This young... He was doing so well. Staying sober, working a program/going to meetings... I used to think those of us lucky enough to survive addiction and get clean had a reason for still being here - Now I'm not so sure...

He was a good person. He was a firefighter/EMT. He just got back from volunteering at a children's summer camp for burn victims. His words of wisdom have helped many others in their recovery - including me. When I was having a hard time those first few weeks and wanted to say fuck it, he helped me get my head out of my ass and stay focused. He could have continued helping people and continued to save lives on a daily basis...

RIP Gary... You will be missed...
151010_1544743174600_408099_n.jpg

(on the right)

Live everyday like its your last.. cause one day it will be.. I know we sometimes fantisize about using if we knew it was going to be the last day, but something tells me if we knew it was the last day we wouldn't.. why miss a thing, ever?.

Hey case there is always a rime and reason to everything.. but the rime and reason doesn't always involve us. Its all good sir, as death is no more the end than birth is the beginning and all is how it should be even if we never understand it. Sorry for your loss case<3
 
Yeah... I believe in reincarnation so you'd think death wouldn't effect me as much.. I know he'll be moving on to another part of existence however I guess the part where he's done existing in my life is what's upsetting.

Thank you though, I'm doing ok today. About to hit a meeting then dinner with some AA friends - Celebrate my 90 days.

Keep it up everyone!
 
Congratulations on 90 caseface...

Today will be day 1 for me.

I remember one thing most vividly from any meeting was a lady who said "I only need to lay my head down on my pillow tonight, without having used." It's Just for Today in more words I suppose :p

Here we go.
 
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