at the end of my rope

[Erikmen]

Hey Dave (Kris), I´m very sorry to hear about what you have been going through. It´s terrible when people come against us for things we don´t believe we deserve. In regards to your wife, separation is indeed a very difficult thing to go through. You only know your wife when you get married, and you only know the woman when you divorce. It must be quite painful to see her with another person and under the situations you´ve described.
You need to get further and I suggest you stop considering what people might dislike about you. You are the judge of that. You decide if their cursing will be accepted. You need to love you more, and deeply respect yourself before giving any credits for people who are judging you just on your looks.
I also believe you could try to go to a rehab and treat yourself so that you get more powerful and respect from others. When on drugs we become easy targets and society does not take you in as you were supposed to.
Try to forget your past with your ex. That´s no longer a situation that you should be concerned anymore. She´s there and let it be.
Try not to presume bad things when, for instance, your post is not responded right away. I hate when this happens, but sometimes it takes time for others to read about it, form a opinion and find ways to help you out. It does not mean you have insulted anyone. Don´t put yourself down like that man. You are the only one who can beat this. And you have to be your own friend.
Try to see the good things you have versus others that many of us don´t. Please go try to find help in groups like AA, NA, or try to rehab. You will get treated, not feel so much alone, plus the addiction only makes things potentially worse.
Think of options. In the hospital when you described what happened and the dirty looks, that´s when you have to be your friend and not become their target. People do that. We live in a terrible world in that respect but you don´t have to accept in inside yourself you should know you are better than your looks if there is a problem there. There are people disabled, ugly, fat, alone, crazy etc. You have your cross, but again be with yourself, try hard to get down on your drug use because that my friend won´t help you a bit. It will keep people far from you.
This is a hard issue and although you didn´t mention I think it´s worth to try. It would be an upgrade to your life. Don´t ever lose hope and at keep in touch! I honestly wish you all the luck you can have!

 

[rave900]

Don't let them win dave

 

[beekr]

Hang in there man, don't give up. Let go all that anger and pain and start over. Learn from your mistakes and move on.

 

[ChristBait]

Hey guys thanks for all the very helpful replies. I haven't checked this thread for the last couple days cuz I didn't think anyone would reply so I just kinda gave up on it. But its good to see that there are a few people that still do care and are willing to help. And I agree with the people that said that the past is the past and I should let it go. Problem is, I can't, because these hackers that have been harassing me relentlessly for the last 4 years are doing everything they can to make sure that I don't forget it, because on some level they feel that I deserve all this shit thats been happening, so they're punishing me for things I've done years ago. Seems like every time I try to reach out for help they do something to drag me down again. I've written several emails to my ex literally begging for her forgiveness, and shortly after that I get hacked again or they do something to fuck up my life even more. I know she has a hand in all this and even though she's not instigating it herself, she's the one allowing all this to happen. She's the only one that could get this to stop but I know her well enough to know that she won't. Even though in the end she got what she wanted. She even admitted to me that she never really loved me, but was just waiting for him to come back into her life. Now where is her justification for saying that? How would you feel if you heard something like that from someone you were engaged to for 3 years.

Today I went to an appointment at the methadone clinic but I was like 20 minutes late for it, so they told me they can't help me now. I was on the waiting list for the last 3 and a half months to get into this clinic so I can finally get off the heroin. But a couple days ago I went in to do the admission paperwork, and I told the lady that I shot up just a few hours before. Apparently they had told me I wasn't supposed to use 6pm the day before I go in, which I don't remember them telling me. So they had to reschedule me for today, and because I was late, they just told me I need to try another clinic. So I called the only other clinic here in town and they said that waiting list could be another 1 to 3 months. I nearly broke down in tears when I heard that. Almost 4 months of waiting to get into 1 clinic and I dropped the ball cuz I was 20 minutes late. I honestly don't know how I'm going to make it another 3 months but I have no other options at this point.
I'm just so desperate to get off the H but I know its going to be very hard to do it on my own without help. And I'm terrified to quit cold turkey.

In all honesty I'm really not a bad guy. I'd like to think that I have a good heart and am genuinely compassionate about others and have alot of empathy for people, especially those that have gone through what I've went through. So yea I've made a few mistakes but who hasn't. Its just these people in my life that portray me as some kind of heartless monster that left his wife for the drugs. Everyone saying that this is karma and that I deserve everything thats happening... but noone short of committing murder would deserve all this.

 

[herbavore]

No one deserves addiction and the hell it becomes. It is a difficult and slippery thing to keep hold of the difference between taking responsibility for your choices and actions and feeling shame and guilt for your choices and actions. But this is the most important thing you can do. Responsibility will move you forward and shame and guilt will hold you firmly in place. Stay strong and ignore all the social media crap--it's meaningless in the end.