ChristBait
Bluelighter
- Joined
- Jan 27, 2005
- Messages
- 153
My name is Dave and I've been posting on these boards off and on for a little over a decade now. Most of the times I came on here looking for some advice I've always been given invaluable advice and input from some of the people here.
I'm at the point in my life right now where I really have nowhere else to turn for the help that I desperately need and don't have too many other resources to get that help. I don't know if any of you remember me but I posted a ton of threads on SLR when I was going through some heavy shit with my ex.
There was a point in time that I had credibility with people here. And the fucked up thing is the same people that helped me were so quick to turn against me and the people that never lifted a finger to help me when I at times was almost screaming for help, were the same ones to jump on the bandwagon and attack me with this mob mentality.
I can tell you exactly why they turned against me. Now, everyone reading up to this point might remember my situation if they were here several years ago, and I don't want to keep beating a dead horse but till this day this horse is still alive and well and making my life a living hell.
THe reason I broke up with my ex was because of some dirt I uncovered about the relationship she was having with another guy. What instigated the entire ordeal that eventually lead to our breakup was the fact that I asked to see her chat logs with the convos she was having with him. She refused, and until this day, 4 years after our breakup she still would never let me see them.
I know your probably reading this and wondering why I'm bringing up this issue, which, for those that are aware of it when it happened years ago, is something that I should have gotten over by now.
THe reason I haven't is because her boyfriend (possibly her husband by now) hired a group of hackers to harass me every chance they got. Not just through the computer and internet, but by actually calling people that I know and spreading lies and rumors about me, inevitably turning them against me.
I can understand why some people would think that I was just being overly paranoid but fact is, I have evidence that suggests that they've done it in the past and are continuing to do it. I've had people, even though it was only a couple, actually admit to me that someone had called them and told them things about me that made me lose credibility with just about everyone in my life, even people on this board.
Just recently, a guy I work with, who I became close friends with, even told me that these hackers tried to call him and talk shit.
When I originally posted about it, when it first started happening, someone had mentioned that because of the characteristics of the attacks, it sounded like a worldwide hacker group called 4chan. Because of the facebook bombings and relentless bullying not only in my cyber life but in real life, I have reason to believe it's either them or another hacker group.
One of the people that turned on me was someone that used to be one of my best friends. But after having just one conversation with my ex's boyfriend, he immediately started stabbing me in the back. How else could you explain about the tires on my car being slashed every time I got into an argument with my ex, after we broke up. He would drive all the way to my house at night and did something to fuck up my car. Just recently I woke up to find my catalytic converter being stolen from underneath my truck while I was sleeping. This happened the same night that I was on the phone with my sponsor talking shit about him.
The way they found out about everything in my life was from hacking my cell phone. Thats how they're able to listen in on all my conversations, read all my txt messages, and getting all my contacts on there. What a lot of people aren't aware of is there is cell-phone spyware on the market that allow someone to hear everything that is being picked up by the cell phone mic even when I'm not on a call. As long as the phone is on, they're able to listen. When I try to explain this to people, they just immediately label me a schizo or tell me its all because of the drugs.
I have never at any point in my life ever heard voices or sounds that weren't there. I've never been diagnosed with any kind of psychotic disorder that would cause this. Even when I was spun out for days at a time on meth, I've never heard voices in my head. Admittedly, I've visually hallucinated, but never had any auditory hallucinations. And I've been clean off the meth for quite a while now, like several months. So any residual effects would have dissipated by now.
I'm not going to go into detail about all the shit thats been happening, mainly because it would just make me sound even crazier than what people already take me for. But looking at the bigger picture, the fact that some of the people here that were involved with the harassment, would turn against me over what a complete fucking stranger tells them about me. Not just complete strangers, but people that would be considered my worst enemies. All being controlled by my ex-girlfriends boyfriend. Not taking into account that I'm just another bluelighter like everyone else here, and that I've posted on here for over a decade now, but giving into people that are nothing more than criminals themselves.
Then people here picking apart every single flaw in me, as if they're the worlds perfect drug addict. These hackers are the same people that have driven people to commit suicide over the relentless bullying in all aspects of their lives. And then they laugh about it. These are the same people that undoubtedly look down on drug addicts, the same people that, during the time all that drama was taking place, hacked the Lounge section and linked it to the D.A.R.E website. And the fucked up part is people here just laugh it off... not understanding that they're being played and disrespected. I'm at the point where I'm close to snapping, where I'm hanging by a thread. Not going to say anything incriminating but I'm reaching my breaking point.
One of the reasons people got at me was because I've openly admitted, that because of the sexual abuse I went through as a child, by being molested by a male family member, I've always had issues with my sexuality.
The fact that we have pre and post-op transvestites that post here, even someone admitting that they were sexually attracted to young boys, and even some dude that came on here asking for advice because he fucked up his bowels from fucking himself in the ass with a homemade dildo.. and noone said a goddamn fucking thing to him about it. Just gave him sound advice on how to recuperate after destroying his dignity and his manhood, and his internal organs.
Why would you attack me because of something I have no control over. I can tell you I would never act on any of these sick twisted deep-seeded feelings I have but bottom line is I'm over it. I've always preferred women over guys, and if anything it was nothing more than a phase I went through in my adolescence. I'm not even going to try to dig up the thread where even a moderator abused his powers to edit 2 of my posts, making me look like a <snip> , in a thread where I was screaming for help.
Where is your justification for that? And of all things, people got on my case over my fucking grammar skills? Seriously, of all things you're going to tear someone apart for is their grammar?
I'm sorry if I'm coming off as confrontational, I really don't want to stir up any more shit and get people on here mad at me. But bottom line is, I'm desperate. I have nowhere else to turn and I came on here looking for sound advice from people that might have gone through the same things. Maybe not necessarily with the hackers, but the addictions. I'm an IV heroin addict. I've been slamming heroin on a daily basis for the last year and a half. I'm starting methadone next week.
Main problem is my BPD symptoms are driving me off the wall. THe constant mood swings, the unstable sense of self, the constant splitting of people, flashbacks, uncontrollable anger. And I'm close to snapping. These enemies that are fucking up all aspects of my life, where they're turning everyone against me over mistakes I made years ago.
Frankly, I'm tired. I'm exhausted.
I made a thread a couple months ago about how my landlord that was living with me at the time, was contacted by the police to ask him to go into their office and talk to him because of the alleged death threats I made over the phone with a friend. These pigs might have perceived what I was saying as threats against my landlord. And at the time, me just brushing it off and thinking its just a scare tactic my landlord was using to get me to go into rehab, considering how he knew I was slamming heroin in the room he was renting to me.
But the co-worker I was talking about, that told me he was contacted by the hackers, had told him not to tell me also that I was indeed under surveillance and they're building a case against me now. Me and him and another guy I worked with all sat down and had a chat about it and what I could do to make it out of this hell without hanging myself by my underwear in downtown county jail. Not going to go into details about what other kind of dirt the cops and other people have on me, but suffice it to say, if I do get caught up, I might be looking at some serious time.
I don't want to bombard you guys with all my issues, but yet another problem I've been having is with the way I look. By most standards, I could be considered a freak. I have an enormous head, and pretty much every one of my physical features, are by what most people would consider to be ugly. I've been called ugly, disgusting, physically disgusting, freak, hideous, every name in the book.
I'm just tired of being treated like shit because of something I have no control over. I'm not saying that people are hating on me just because of the way I look, but I think its the underlying driving force to get people to turn against me. Fact is, I can be guilty of doing the exact same thing that someone "normal" looking is guilty of, but because of the way I look, people will make me pay twice as hard as another person. Its this whole double standard case.
I've been at the blunt end of the cruelty that humanity can be capable of. Just the other night I went into the ER to get a refill of my medications. As soon as I walked it to the crowded waiting room, alot of people turned and looked. Now I understand that the same could happen to anyone and everyone, but for me, it extends far beyond that.
People will look at most people and then look away. But when people look at me, they don't look away for far too long. As I was standing there, after having stood there in line for a couple minutes, I glanced at the waiting room, saw a couple girls that were together, staring at me with this shit-eating grin on their face, and whispering to one another. I even heard one of them say "look at him he even looks mean".
Not gonna lie guys, I was on a couple xanax bars so I wasn't even anxious or mean looking. When I walked up to the receptionist, she glanced at me then looked away and asked why I was there for. I asked her how long the wait was going to be and she kept turning her head from side to side while she was talking. When I went to go sit down, I sat in between a couple people. I could tell they were nervous just sitting there looking at me. One turned in her chair and faced the other way while the dude on the other side hunched over and sat with his head facing the floor. So I sat there for a few minutes, and heard giggling across the way, looked up, and there were a group of people that were obviously together, that were staring at him while making these remarks.
Even the complete stranger that was sitting next to them, was staring with a grin on his face, as if they were banning together to treat me like a circus side show freak. In between looks of disgust and blank awkward stares, I get people that are so considerate that they won't even look me in the eyes when I talk to them. Fact is, in this world, if you look a certain way, than you're expected to be humble and kind. God forbid I ever get mad or angry or even laugh at someone without other people, even strangers to each other, band together to bash me.
Just the other day while I was driving, some dude in front of me in the opposite lane, almost turned when I came close and almost hit me. I turned my head at him and gave him a dirty look, only to see the guy driving behind me, who at that point obviously saw my huge head, drives up and starts tailing me so close that he almost hit me and steered his car towards my driver side... and when I looked at him he had this huge grin on his face. As if to say, how dare you get mad at someone, you're a fucking freak!
So this was just a fraction of what I go through on a daily basis. Thats not including the BPD, avoidant personality disorder, OCD, dysthymia, and a few other conditions. And oh yea, I have to stick a needle in my arm every 5 to 6 hours to keep from pissing out of my ass.
I know this post is long and if you've read up to this point then thank you for at least listening. I'm just at a loss right now. I know its obvious I need professional counseling because noone I tell these things to have any idea what to say. Even just a couple night ago I called the suicide hotline and poured my heart and soul out to the woman on the other end, telling her everything about the hospital visit. She didn't know how to handle it either, just taking down my number and having a supposed mental health team get back to me (which they haven't yet). She even suggested I go BACK to the hospital and get help there.
I'm so fucking tired guys. I'm at the end of my rope, almost literally. But at the same time I'm so frightened that people on here are going to bash me because they remember me from years ago and still have it out for me because of what these strangers are telling them. But I would probably take the advice of someone here in higher regard then advice from some dumbass counselor on the other end of a suicide hotline that gives me advice from a training manual. Why? Cuz we're all cut from the same mold. But more like broken from the same mold. Cuz that's what we are ultimately... just broken.
So please, please, PLEASE.. if you don't have anything supportive or helpful to say, don't say it at all. I'm so close to the edge right now and I really don't want to be pushed off because of shit I've done years and years ago. Shit that I haven't even forgiven myself for. I'm no different than anyone else here.
Thanks again to whoever is reading and seriously, at this point, ANY advice would help because I'm out of options. Also, if you're just going to accuse me of being schitzo, or that I'm just suffering from long term residual effects of meth psychosis, I really don't need to hear that.
Thanks
I'm at the point in my life right now where I really have nowhere else to turn for the help that I desperately need and don't have too many other resources to get that help. I don't know if any of you remember me but I posted a ton of threads on SLR when I was going through some heavy shit with my ex.
There was a point in time that I had credibility with people here. And the fucked up thing is the same people that helped me were so quick to turn against me and the people that never lifted a finger to help me when I at times was almost screaming for help, were the same ones to jump on the bandwagon and attack me with this mob mentality.
I can tell you exactly why they turned against me. Now, everyone reading up to this point might remember my situation if they were here several years ago, and I don't want to keep beating a dead horse but till this day this horse is still alive and well and making my life a living hell.
THe reason I broke up with my ex was because of some dirt I uncovered about the relationship she was having with another guy. What instigated the entire ordeal that eventually lead to our breakup was the fact that I asked to see her chat logs with the convos she was having with him. She refused, and until this day, 4 years after our breakup she still would never let me see them.
I know your probably reading this and wondering why I'm bringing up this issue, which, for those that are aware of it when it happened years ago, is something that I should have gotten over by now.
THe reason I haven't is because her boyfriend (possibly her husband by now) hired a group of hackers to harass me every chance they got. Not just through the computer and internet, but by actually calling people that I know and spreading lies and rumors about me, inevitably turning them against me.
I can understand why some people would think that I was just being overly paranoid but fact is, I have evidence that suggests that they've done it in the past and are continuing to do it. I've had people, even though it was only a couple, actually admit to me that someone had called them and told them things about me that made me lose credibility with just about everyone in my life, even people on this board.
Just recently, a guy I work with, who I became close friends with, even told me that these hackers tried to call him and talk shit.
When I originally posted about it, when it first started happening, someone had mentioned that because of the characteristics of the attacks, it sounded like a worldwide hacker group called 4chan. Because of the facebook bombings and relentless bullying not only in my cyber life but in real life, I have reason to believe it's either them or another hacker group.
One of the people that turned on me was someone that used to be one of my best friends. But after having just one conversation with my ex's boyfriend, he immediately started stabbing me in the back. How else could you explain about the tires on my car being slashed every time I got into an argument with my ex, after we broke up. He would drive all the way to my house at night and did something to fuck up my car. Just recently I woke up to find my catalytic converter being stolen from underneath my truck while I was sleeping. This happened the same night that I was on the phone with my sponsor talking shit about him.
The way they found out about everything in my life was from hacking my cell phone. Thats how they're able to listen in on all my conversations, read all my txt messages, and getting all my contacts on there. What a lot of people aren't aware of is there is cell-phone spyware on the market that allow someone to hear everything that is being picked up by the cell phone mic even when I'm not on a call. As long as the phone is on, they're able to listen. When I try to explain this to people, they just immediately label me a schizo or tell me its all because of the drugs.
I have never at any point in my life ever heard voices or sounds that weren't there. I've never been diagnosed with any kind of psychotic disorder that would cause this. Even when I was spun out for days at a time on meth, I've never heard voices in my head. Admittedly, I've visually hallucinated, but never had any auditory hallucinations. And I've been clean off the meth for quite a while now, like several months. So any residual effects would have dissipated by now.
I'm not going to go into detail about all the shit thats been happening, mainly because it would just make me sound even crazier than what people already take me for. But looking at the bigger picture, the fact that some of the people here that were involved with the harassment, would turn against me over what a complete fucking stranger tells them about me. Not just complete strangers, but people that would be considered my worst enemies. All being controlled by my ex-girlfriends boyfriend. Not taking into account that I'm just another bluelighter like everyone else here, and that I've posted on here for over a decade now, but giving into people that are nothing more than criminals themselves.
Then people here picking apart every single flaw in me, as if they're the worlds perfect drug addict. These hackers are the same people that have driven people to commit suicide over the relentless bullying in all aspects of their lives. And then they laugh about it. These are the same people that undoubtedly look down on drug addicts, the same people that, during the time all that drama was taking place, hacked the Lounge section and linked it to the D.A.R.E website. And the fucked up part is people here just laugh it off... not understanding that they're being played and disrespected. I'm at the point where I'm close to snapping, where I'm hanging by a thread. Not going to say anything incriminating but I'm reaching my breaking point.
One of the reasons people got at me was because I've openly admitted, that because of the sexual abuse I went through as a child, by being molested by a male family member, I've always had issues with my sexuality.
The fact that we have pre and post-op transvestites that post here, even someone admitting that they were sexually attracted to young boys, and even some dude that came on here asking for advice because he fucked up his bowels from fucking himself in the ass with a homemade dildo.. and noone said a goddamn fucking thing to him about it. Just gave him sound advice on how to recuperate after destroying his dignity and his manhood, and his internal organs.
Why would you attack me because of something I have no control over. I can tell you I would never act on any of these sick twisted deep-seeded feelings I have but bottom line is I'm over it. I've always preferred women over guys, and if anything it was nothing more than a phase I went through in my adolescence. I'm not even going to try to dig up the thread where even a moderator abused his powers to edit 2 of my posts, making me look like a <snip> , in a thread where I was screaming for help.
Where is your justification for that? And of all things, people got on my case over my fucking grammar skills? Seriously, of all things you're going to tear someone apart for is their grammar?
I'm sorry if I'm coming off as confrontational, I really don't want to stir up any more shit and get people on here mad at me. But bottom line is, I'm desperate. I have nowhere else to turn and I came on here looking for sound advice from people that might have gone through the same things. Maybe not necessarily with the hackers, but the addictions. I'm an IV heroin addict. I've been slamming heroin on a daily basis for the last year and a half. I'm starting methadone next week.
Main problem is my BPD symptoms are driving me off the wall. THe constant mood swings, the unstable sense of self, the constant splitting of people, flashbacks, uncontrollable anger. And I'm close to snapping. These enemies that are fucking up all aspects of my life, where they're turning everyone against me over mistakes I made years ago.
Frankly, I'm tired. I'm exhausted.
I made a thread a couple months ago about how my landlord that was living with me at the time, was contacted by the police to ask him to go into their office and talk to him because of the alleged death threats I made over the phone with a friend. These pigs might have perceived what I was saying as threats against my landlord. And at the time, me just brushing it off and thinking its just a scare tactic my landlord was using to get me to go into rehab, considering how he knew I was slamming heroin in the room he was renting to me.
But the co-worker I was talking about, that told me he was contacted by the hackers, had told him not to tell me also that I was indeed under surveillance and they're building a case against me now. Me and him and another guy I worked with all sat down and had a chat about it and what I could do to make it out of this hell without hanging myself by my underwear in downtown county jail. Not going to go into details about what other kind of dirt the cops and other people have on me, but suffice it to say, if I do get caught up, I might be looking at some serious time.
I don't want to bombard you guys with all my issues, but yet another problem I've been having is with the way I look. By most standards, I could be considered a freak. I have an enormous head, and pretty much every one of my physical features, are by what most people would consider to be ugly. I've been called ugly, disgusting, physically disgusting, freak, hideous, every name in the book.
I'm just tired of being treated like shit because of something I have no control over. I'm not saying that people are hating on me just because of the way I look, but I think its the underlying driving force to get people to turn against me. Fact is, I can be guilty of doing the exact same thing that someone "normal" looking is guilty of, but because of the way I look, people will make me pay twice as hard as another person. Its this whole double standard case.
I've been at the blunt end of the cruelty that humanity can be capable of. Just the other night I went into the ER to get a refill of my medications. As soon as I walked it to the crowded waiting room, alot of people turned and looked. Now I understand that the same could happen to anyone and everyone, but for me, it extends far beyond that.
People will look at most people and then look away. But when people look at me, they don't look away for far too long. As I was standing there, after having stood there in line for a couple minutes, I glanced at the waiting room, saw a couple girls that were together, staring at me with this shit-eating grin on their face, and whispering to one another. I even heard one of them say "look at him he even looks mean".
Not gonna lie guys, I was on a couple xanax bars so I wasn't even anxious or mean looking. When I walked up to the receptionist, she glanced at me then looked away and asked why I was there for. I asked her how long the wait was going to be and she kept turning her head from side to side while she was talking. When I went to go sit down, I sat in between a couple people. I could tell they were nervous just sitting there looking at me. One turned in her chair and faced the other way while the dude on the other side hunched over and sat with his head facing the floor. So I sat there for a few minutes, and heard giggling across the way, looked up, and there were a group of people that were obviously together, that were staring at him while making these remarks.
Even the complete stranger that was sitting next to them, was staring with a grin on his face, as if they were banning together to treat me like a circus side show freak. In between looks of disgust and blank awkward stares, I get people that are so considerate that they won't even look me in the eyes when I talk to them. Fact is, in this world, if you look a certain way, than you're expected to be humble and kind. God forbid I ever get mad or angry or even laugh at someone without other people, even strangers to each other, band together to bash me.
Just the other day while I was driving, some dude in front of me in the opposite lane, almost turned when I came close and almost hit me. I turned my head at him and gave him a dirty look, only to see the guy driving behind me, who at that point obviously saw my huge head, drives up and starts tailing me so close that he almost hit me and steered his car towards my driver side... and when I looked at him he had this huge grin on his face. As if to say, how dare you get mad at someone, you're a fucking freak!
So this was just a fraction of what I go through on a daily basis. Thats not including the BPD, avoidant personality disorder, OCD, dysthymia, and a few other conditions. And oh yea, I have to stick a needle in my arm every 5 to 6 hours to keep from pissing out of my ass.
I know this post is long and if you've read up to this point then thank you for at least listening. I'm just at a loss right now. I know its obvious I need professional counseling because noone I tell these things to have any idea what to say. Even just a couple night ago I called the suicide hotline and poured my heart and soul out to the woman on the other end, telling her everything about the hospital visit. She didn't know how to handle it either, just taking down my number and having a supposed mental health team get back to me (which they haven't yet). She even suggested I go BACK to the hospital and get help there.
I'm so fucking tired guys. I'm at the end of my rope, almost literally. But at the same time I'm so frightened that people on here are going to bash me because they remember me from years ago and still have it out for me because of what these strangers are telling them. But I would probably take the advice of someone here in higher regard then advice from some dumbass counselor on the other end of a suicide hotline that gives me advice from a training manual. Why? Cuz we're all cut from the same mold. But more like broken from the same mold. Cuz that's what we are ultimately... just broken.
So please, please, PLEASE.. if you don't have anything supportive or helpful to say, don't say it at all. I'm so close to the edge right now and I really don't want to be pushed off because of shit I've done years and years ago. Shit that I haven't even forgiven myself for. I'm no different than anyone else here.
Thanks again to whoever is reading and seriously, at this point, ANY advice would help because I'm out of options. Also, if you're just going to accuse me of being schitzo, or that I'm just suffering from long term residual effects of meth psychosis, I really don't need to hear that.
Thanks
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So yes, I understand the feeling and want you to know I'm routing for ya and I know it's hard, but it is possible to let go of all the BS and leave it behind. I know I should take my own advice on this one..... Just goes to show you - I really do understand how hard some things are to do!