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Assaulted or deserving?

  • Thread starter Thread starter facelessgirl
  • Start date Start date
^understood.
Perhaps the OP could elaborate a little more on her protests.

I'm saying no! Soon my protest crescendos to full blown heaving sobs. The hysterically emotional drunk sobs.
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This isn't very much to go by, true, but there is a clear distinction between that and moaning produced by sexual pleasure. Unless you're a fucking god who's giving her so much pleasure she's crying out of sheer ecstacy, but cummon.

Either way that guy is a fucking douchebag. Guys have a very real insticntual, subconcious 'power' over women. I could imagine how it is hard for some women to be more expressive in their denial of what is happening.

Live and learn eh...?

edit, this was mainly directed towards airforlife.
 
I have a feeling the scene we're all picturing in our heads is a lot different from what actually happened. I don't think the OP is lying, but I think being drunk and it being a traumatic experience would skew her perception of it.
 
I think you need to have urgent counselling and treatment; see your treating doctor and ask for a referral to a psychologist - please do this. I am not going to say what I think happened as I don't think that's my right as an outsider nor do I think it's particularly helpful. Only you know what happened and it seems that you feel some boundaries were crossed.

It is clear that you are traumatised by this, by the fact that you aren't able to move on; feeling isolated and having issues with family and friends. Please see your doctor for referral to psych treatment.
 
Vivian said:
In court you have no case atall.
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On what basis are you making such a strong claim?

Any felony conviction must be obtained by a complex mechanism in which a very high burden of proof must be met. Juries have convicted rapists on circumstantial evidence before. While this case would likely be difficult to prove, it's not impossible.

recons - intoxication is not a defense in and of itself for any crime.

No means no. Bottom line. She said no. He did it anyway. There was no consent to the act of intercourse, thus it was rape.
 
She did specifically say that she said "no" and said "maybe he didn't hear me".

What a fucked up situation. Though it's even more distressing to hear people rationalizing why what he did wasn't really all that bad or wrong or it's in any way her fault.
 
I mean really, let's not mince words here, the guy got a girl drunk who had spurned his advances, after she was well and goodly drunk he then made more physical advances and when she collapsed on the concrete sobbing he jerked her pants down, pulled her jacket off, and started fucking her motionless crying body.

Does that sound like anything but a rape?
 
^ Sounds like typical date rape to me. Its a tricky situation because she did show interest by grinding on his hand, right? He should have stopped when she began to say no and cry (as any man should have), no questions about that. Tough situation to be in, and honestly, something similar happened to a friend of mine. Although she wasn't drunk but she was saying no before hand, but was also showing interest earlier in the night, but he forced his way on her. Lets just say he got what was coming to him a few days later.
 
She did something stupid (getting shit-faced drunk and letting him finger her when she wasn't willing to have sex), but that doesn't excuse him. This was an assault, and she definitely didn't deserve it.

To the original poster: Please, get counseling. You don't have to suffer alone. Talking to somebody can help. There are free rape and abuse victim support services in most larger cities. Don't worry about whether or not his actions meet some legal definition of rape; what's important here is that YOU feel victimized (and I agree that you were assaulted.)
 
inotocracy said:
Its a tricky situation because she did show interest by grinding on his hand, right?
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I don't think that makes the situation tricky at all, she was completely shit-faced, made a whoopsie because she was shitfaced, thought better of it and wanted to stop, said no even, and the guy did not stop and in fact proceeded to pull off her pants and have sex with her motionless crying body.

I mean really, just the fact that he got her shitfaced and made advances on her puts him in "scumbag" territory. The rest just makes it a pretty clear cut rape.

It's really sad to see people saying "well she made this mistake and that mistake, so it's partially her fault"

That's complete and utter bullshit. A victim making a mistake or even a series of them does not absolve a victimizer of the responsibility of their actions. This girls only"fault" is being naive. She was assaulted because she trusted a friend to be a friend.

It's sad to see that we're just barely past the days of "the victim deserved it for dressing provocatively" style rape defenses.
 
^ You didn't read everything I wrote, did you? I said it was wrong regardless, and he should have stopped when she said "no" and was "sobbing".

It's sad to see that we're just barely past the days of "the victim deserved it for dressing provocatively" style rape defenses.
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Its one thing to dress provocatively and its another to gyrate on someones finger, not quite sure this applies to this situation.
 
I actually did read everything you wrote and simply used it as a springboard because I wanted to say more then just saying it doesnt make the situation tricky :)

Its one thing to dress provocatively and its another to gyrate on someones finger, not quite sure this applies to this situation.
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It's simply a matter of degree "she did [this], thus, she asked for it" is the same basic style of justification and blaming the victim no matter what [this] is. But no matter what [this] is the victim is not responsible for being a victim, "no" is not conditional, it carries the same force no matter when it is spoken.
 
Beatlebot said:
He got her shitfaced? Did he force the booze down her throat do you think?
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Does it matter whether he forced it down her throat? When I get fucked up with my friends I generally don't expect them to try and have sex with me against my will because they know I'm fucked up.

Regardless of whether I get fucked up willingly or not, if someone provides me drugs with the intention of making moves on me while inebriated it's a pretty scummy thing to do.


And what if he was shitfaced himself?
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Doesn't matter. He's the one that forced himself on her. You can also bet that he was completely aware of what he was doing. Being drunk just makes people not care as much when what they're doing is wrong. It just brings out the asshole in people, it doesn't absolve them of any responsibility.
 
I had a somewhat similar thing happen to me (my first time), only it wasn't someone I was friends with - I barely knew him, he was a friend of a friend and I was set up on a blind date; it was our second meeting. No alcohol involved, just naivety on my part and he was a scumbag, especially because he knew I was virgin. It was fine at first - it felt good, it was new and enjoyable, and I really wanted him to like me. Then all of a sudden he stuck it in me. I started crying and I stopped moving and I hid my face and told him I didn't want it anymore but he continued.
I was too naive to put it together that foreplay generally leads to sex, and that sex was what he ultimately had in mind. I never expected that. He never checked with me if it was ok even though he knew it was my first, and he kept doing it when it was clear in more ways than one that I didn't want it.


So, where it relates is that whether or not it was "technically" rape or assault or a mistake or whatever it was doesn't matter. The point is that this experience affected me very badly for several years after, and your experience has the potential to do the same. I didn't tell anyone or do anything about it. It still comes back to me from time to time. There's nothing you can do to change what happened - but you can change how it affects you. because of the emotional stress it's obviously caused you, you need to get help, talk to someone, and learn things you can do to protect yourself in situations like this in the future, as it seems they're all too common (especially in college).

best wishes and all in dealing with this.
 
Beatlebot said:
He got her shitfaced? Did he force the booze down her throat do you think? And what if he was shitfaced himself?
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Diminished mental capacity on the part of the perpetrator is only a possible defense if he lacked the ability to differentiate between right and wrong by a reasonable person's standards.

She may have overtly or inadvertently led him on, she may have been intoxicated, but when she said NO he should have stopped that instant.

I believe the description of that night includes rape. It is date/acquaintance rape, but that does not negate or diminish the fact that it is still rape. He penetrated her against her will.

Yes, it is stupid to go out and get drunk, and put yourself in a position where you may come into harm's way. But it is not a crime. Rape is a crime.

As for the "they were both drunk so did they rape each other" question: I'm not even going to justify that with further response.
 
This sounds like a girl regretting letting someone fuck her and then deciding that she would feel better about herself if she said she was raped.
 
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