Assaulted or deserving?

[facelessgirl]

I feel compelled to write about something that happened to me in June 06. This is the first time I have consciously dwelled upon for an extended time period & I have never discussed the details of that night with anybody before now.

It was the end of semester night and me and my friend at the time weren't going to be seeing each other for a long time as he was moving back to his home country. I knew this guy for roughly a year and a half because we went to the same university. I knew he endured a poorly hidden crush on me from the beginning. I knew whatever he felt toward me was fairly strong, but I didn't feel the same way about him. He knew it too as I always rejected his advances and dated one of his best mates for quite a while.

Anyway, we decided to celebrate our last night together just hanging out and talking. I didn't have any money at the time [it all went on speed for exam cramming] so he shouted me a bottle of cheap champagne and one for himself. I was 18 at the time and he was 23 or so. We wondered around for a while just talking, swigging the bottles, until he suggested we go to a nearby park.
Now we're both starting to get quite tipsy/drunk so we sit down on a concrete step, looking at the stars and the nearby river - so peaceful.

As we reminisce about the year gone by, he puts his arm around my shoulder and I think nothing of it. Then he starts pulling me closer and closer. I am drunk. I am lonely. So I let him kiss me. Now usually the idea of kissing him would absolutely repulse me, but not now. Tonight is dark and my head is spinning. I am numb.

Somehow he gets my jeans unzipped, sliding his fingers all the way into me. And god it feels incredible. I'm not gonna lie. I am moaning with pleasure and grinding into his hand. I forget about how wrong this is because for the moment, its ecastasy.

This is remedied when he stops, slides his hand out of my jeans & starts to unbutton his own. In a pivotal moment of lucidity, I realize the reality of what I'm doing. As he unveils his cock I stare at it with trepidation. Suddenly I feel sick to my stomach as he gives me this lazy grin and begins to rub it up and down. By this point I have totally changed my mind and want it to end.
Nowt I am really quite drunk. My head is lolling around on my neck. He is pulling at my arm. He wants me to touch him. I take glances at his exposed penis and start rocking back and forth, shaking my head. He grips my hand in his, making me rub his dick up and down. I make pathetic little whimpering noises. I'm saying no! Soon my protest crescendos to full blown heaving sobs. The hysterically emotional drunk sobs.

He is finally finished with my hand. Crouching over me he takes off my jacket and tears down my jeans to my ankles, exposing my bear ass on the concrete. He cups my breast and starts pulling his own pants down further. At this point I have stopped the sobs and stopped doing anything at all. I have no idea why I can't move. Now would be a good time to run.. but I can't

Like a dead fish I am sprawled on the ground, eyes shut, body limp. I feel my thighs being roughly spread apart, the exposed flesh of my bottom scraping along the concrete. My head lolls to the side and I catch a glimpse of him holding his dick and staring at my pussy. I feel a rough prod at my outer vagina. And then another. Flesh, not latex. Hands fumble around my lady parts. He continues randomly stabbing around in the dark. Occasionally penetrating a shallow depth and then pushing roughly onto my labia and upper thighs.

I have no idea how long this went on for. I do know that when he eventually got off me I scrambled to my feet and marched like a zombie to my car. He got in with me and I couldn't look at him or talk to him. I went straight to my friends who were at the end of sem uni-event. I blurted "Z raped me". Which was a very very fucking stupid thing to say because it's a massive accusation and although I can recall most of the things that happened at the park, I still have no idea how to make sense of those things.


It's extremely embarrassing for me to think about why I didnt get up and run. So many women are held at knife/gun point and ripped to shreds. I can't complain about my stupid night. Im ashamed that I enjoyed it at the beginning, and then suddenly changed my mind. I feel that it's my fault because I didn't up and run, or kick and scream. I feel shame for lying there for dead, scared to move. It seems likely that I egged him on to do what he did, or maybe he didn't know I didn't want it. Maybe he thought I was crying for another reason? Maybe he didn't hear me say no. At other times I think I let him do it, to punish myself. Other times I'm not so sure.

I haven't had any sexual physical contact with anyone since then. I lost all my friends, I hate my father, I have massive social anxiety, i seem to always be angry, i feel like i have lost a piece of myself. But of course I attribute a large chunk of this to drug use .

I would like to know if anyone else has had a perspective on this, or advice, or an experience they can share with me?

Thanks for listening. Sorry it was long

 

[TheLoveBandit]

ANON to SLR

 

[Beatlebot]

So. I think it's pretty harsh to frame this in the rape light. You learned a lesson about leading people on tonight. You knew he liked you, you went out with him, got blottered and something happened. Of course he was going to try it on with you and you didn't do anything to say his attentions weren't wanted. In fact, if you look at it from his point of view, it seemed like his long-term investment in you was finally paying off.
He was most likely under the influence as well, and if you didn't say anything, how was he to know that you weren't into it?

You learned something. Grow and move on.

 

[orml]

I agree, you would totally fucking know if a girl was sobbing and laying there like a dead fish, I think this guy raped you. I'm sorry, and I suggest you seek counseling, it's a hard thing to get through.

 

[steppingrazor]

If it was not rape, it was still a sexual assault. You should speak to a counselor, even if only to discuss your feelings of guilt. It wasn't your fault, no one is 'asking for it,' and saying 'no' once is enough. Making out with someone or letting them touch you is not consent to sex (and even consent to sex can be withdrawn with a simple 'no' or 'stop.')

Not to mention that provided you (at 18 years of age) with alcohol and waited until you were visibly intoxicated to press himself on you. You might not have been able to give consent at all, in the eyes of the law.

Date and acquaintance rape are the most common forms, especially in college. You don't have anything to be ashamed of, and you weren't wrong for going to your friends.

 

[The Is]

This sounds like you put yourself into a bad situation, but then your friend acted reprehensibly.

While I definitely think you were raped, in the sense that you could have him sent to jail and ruin his life, You made so many mistakes and let it get so far it would be unconscionable to send him to jail.

The fact that you both were drunk and you were totally into it while he was fingering you is as much of a fuckup as his persistence after you said no. It's sad to hear you learned such a hard lesson, but I think it would be a really awful move to prosecute this guy.

 

[Amebix]

It seems people are missing the key line in this post, so here it is again:

I'm saying no! Soon my protest crescendos to full blown heaving sobs. The hysterically emotional drunk sobs.

 

[echo off]

it sounds like he knew he'd get away with doing whatever he wanted to. it sounds like you weren't capable of making rational decisions. this is not his fault, it is your fault, however he still abused your state of mind. the only thing I can say is;

DON'T GET STUPID DRUNK ALONE WITH GUYS WHO WANT TO SCREW YOU UNLESS YOU WANT TO SCREW THEM!!!!!!!!1

because that is exactly what they will do

sorry you had to learn that some people are assholes... good luck finding the good ones.

 

[alasdairm]

It seems people are missing the key line in this post, so here it is again:

"I'm saying no! Soon my protest crescendos to full blown heaving sobs. The hysterically emotional drunk sobs."
i agree this is the key point. did the op actually say the word "no" or "i don't want to do this" or "stop". if so, to me, she was the victim of a crime.

that said - and i am absolutely not belittling what happened or what she went through - the way the story reads, to me, she felt that her "pathetic little whimpering noises" were saying 'no' for her. saying 'no' in her head.

op, did you at any point say the word "no" or "i don't want to do this" or "stop" or anything like that?

alasdair

 

[GenericMind]

Judging solely by what you wrote, I wouldn't say he raped you.

 

[Pharcyde]

So many women are held at knife/gun point and ripped to shreds

That kinda thing only happens in like 1% of rape situations. The rest are the power assurance or the lonely guy thing.


This is a tricky thing were talking about here. Could you perhaps detail more of what you said? And at any time did he hand you an unoppend champagne bottle or at any time during the night did you leave the bottle alone with him?

 

[rangrz]

from an LEO point of view, under canadian law/jurisprudence. It was not rape. This is due to the fact that once someone has started(i.e. kissing and fingering), its considered heat of moment/passion and is thus generally not convicted of rape. It could be Sexual assault or Assault.

None the less, it is a traumatizing event, and you should consider talking to a crisis hotline or a councillor.

 

[recons]

Learn something from this. I could sit here and write a case for or against you in this circumstance, despite the fact that what you have written is unreliable and biased. Personally I would say your both at fault, you allowed it to happen, you put yourself in that situation, and he took advantage of it. Learn to be smart, and protect yourself, that doesn't mean learn how to fight, but learn how to avoid a fight.

Grow and move on.

Indeed.

 

[airforlife]

As a woman, you have the right to say no at any time. Technically, if you did say no right in the middle of the act, and he kept going, it's some form of sexual assault (he could probably plead down from rape to a lesser charge given that it wasn't a premeditated rape and assault).

However, it would be quite difficult to prove in court that he raped you or that he even did anything wrong.

Here's why.

"It was the end of semester night and me and my friend at the time weren't going to be seeing each other for a long time as he was moving back to his home country."

Two close people that won't see anybody for a long time, it just screams consensual sex.

You both agreed to imbibe some alcohol and you for the most part went along with his plans for the night. You agreed to go to the park with him and sit down. You even accepted his sexual advances.

From your portrayal of your objections, they don't seem particularly vocal or noticeable, and you didn't put up any kind of physical fight (no scratching or biting). From the point of view of a jury, even if you were not willing, you didn't really make it clear you didn't want to have sex, and since you were willing at at least some point in the sexual contact, it doesn't seem like he did anything wrong.

There's really no evidence to support rape, it's just he-said she-said. Any even from your point of view, he doesn't seem that culpable at all.

Criminally, I don't think he could get in trouble for what happened.

"
It's extremely embarrassing for me to think about why I didnt get up and run. So many women are held at knife/gun point and ripped to shreds. I can't complain about my stupid night. Im ashamed that I enjoyed it at the beginning, and then suddenly changed my mind. I feel that it's my fault because I didn't up and run, or kick and scream. I feel shame for lying there for dead, scared to move. It seems likely that I egged him on to do what he did, or maybe he didn't know I didn't want it. Maybe he thought I was crying for another reason? Maybe he didn't hear me say no. At other times I think I let him do it, to punish myself. Other times I'm not so sure.
"

Yea, it's a real unfortunate and uncertain situation. You can't really blame anyone in this situation, but you should seek counseling.

PS: I'm not an attorney by any means.

Also, to answer your question, you still didn't deserve what happened to you, and you shouldn't blame yourself.

 

[swilow]

I call it rape/assault and I call that guy a fucking asshole. Luckilym there are not too many like that. For anyone who LOOKS, it easy enough to tell when smeone doesn't want sex....Take care faceless girl, I hope your okay...

 

[Mariposa]

I call it rape/assault and I call that guy a fucking asshole. Luckilym there are not too many like that. For anyone who LOOKS, it easy enough to tell when smeone doesn't want sex....Take care faceless girl, I hope your okay...

QFT.

1. She was incapable of giving consent due to intoxication.
2. NO means NO at any time during the sexual situation.

I will get into specifics on legality and that this might qualify as "grey zone" sex later. I call it date rape.

OP, I hope you are able to heal.

 

[recons]

1. She was incapable of giving consent due to intoxication.

ok, so he was drunk to thus unable to consent. So they raped each other?

 

[jam uh weezy]

rape1 Audio Help /reɪp/ Pronunciation Key - Show Spelled Pronunciation[reyp] Pronunciation Key - Show IPA Pronunciation noun, verb, raped, rap·ing.
–noun
1. the unlawful compelling of a woman through physical force or duress to have sexual intercourse.
2. any act of sexual intercourse that is forced upon a person.
3. statutory rape.
4. an act of plunder, violent seizure, or abuse; despoliation; violation: the rape of the countryside.
5. Archaic. the act of seizing and carrying off by force.
–verb (used with object)
6. to force to have sexual intercourse.
7. to plunder (a place); despoil.
8. to seize, take, or carry off by force.
–verb (used without object)
9. to commit rape.

Just because she was enjoying the foreplay, that doesn't mean she led him on. It was fucking rape. Nowhere in the unwritten laws of the universe does it say if you engage in foreplay you must engage in penetration. And come on, if a 18 girl could have sex with a 17 year old boy and be charged with 'statuatory rape', how is this not rape?

Hopefully you never go through a similar experience, but next time be more forceful in denying your consent. Some people are so stupid they don't realize crying is a sign of distress.

ok, so he was drunk to thus unable to consent. So they raped each other?

Humans posses something called mirror neurons. The ability to empathize, in laymans terms. Would you continue trying to stick your dick in a girl if she said no, was crying/sobbing, and visibly distressed?

 

[airforlife]

Statutory rape is just like it sounds, the person in violation is guilty not necessarily because of the action but because the victim was too young, no investigation is necessary as long as you can prove sex took place. Basically, you're not allowed to have sex of this type, period.

This situation has nothing to do with age at all. At most, the guy would be charged and convicted of serving alcohol to a minor.

They were both intoxicated, and she wasn't just laying there incapacitated. She clearly was able to function physically, and allowed him to initiate sexually activity.

The matter in question is where she "resisted".

She didn't vocally say no, or say it loud enough.

She didn't physically resist him.

Her sobbing could have been interpreted as sexual since she was moaning earlier.

If you don't assertively say "no", how is he supposed to know not to just continue doing what he's doing.

I think what happened in this case was, when the time for intercourse came, the girl was just so disgusted and unsure what to do that she just froze. She didn't know what to say or do in the situation. After the fact, she felt so bad about not being able to stop it and about the act itself that she still in her mind considers it rape.

It's not like I'm going by what the guy said. This is what SHE said. And from what she said, it doesn't even sound like he's guilty.

All of you guys crying rape are doing so because you understand what the OP is going through and you know what she was thinking at every step throughout the story. If this scenario was captured on video tape, it wouldn't look like a rape.

Sad but true.

 

[recons]

Some people are so stupid they don't realize crying is a sign of distress.

Its hard to tell if people are crying when its dark, your drunk and having sex in park, I would imagine.

Humans posses something called mirror neurons. The ability to empathize, in laymans terms. Would you continue trying to stick your dick in a girl if she said no, was crying/sobbing, and visibly distressed?

If I heard she said no, and perceived it to be an instruction to cease sexual activity.
If I noticed her crying/sobbing and and perceived or was told it to be an signal to cease sexual activity.
If I noticed her visual body indications of distress and perceived it to be an instruction to cease sexual activity.
I would then not continue to engage in sexual activity.