Hallo, illmantos. I've read the thread from the beginning, and i want to add my suggestion-advice-tip, whatever you wanna name it. Nobody suggest you that maybe The God is the answer to your problems..IDK, maybe it has 1% possibility, maybe 50%, maybe 100% or maybe 0,1%..When i was at your age, i was singing (if somebody could call "sing" those screams, haha

) and playing the guitar in a death metal band we had, i was listening to bands like Sepultura, Slayer, Death, Morbid Angel, Kreator etc., so i wasn't like the satan lyrics the songs had, i was saying to myself (and it was true), that i like the music of the tracks, not the lyrics, but i was singing them as they were part of the track, like an other instrument. I was drawing the Slayer's logo, which is considered as a satan's sign and stamp..but i was drawing just cause i liked it, any-fuckin-way, what i'm trying to say is that i wasn't believe to satan, but neither To God..Ok, the years passed, i had some experiences in my life, a lot of accidents, and at 28 i believed To God after an accident which brought me VERY close to death..
I went to a psychiatrist to treat an addiction to heroin i had, before we start he told my parents that his method was 1000% succesfully..what a fuckin bustard, he was earning a lot of money, giving hopes to desperate people..I went to fuckin 30 sessions, of course his idiot method didn't work..
So, i wanna say to you, that maybe The God would be the answer to your problems, and i don't mean some extreme hardened puritans, i'm talking about simple things..IDK, maybe i'm negative to psychiatrists because of my own experience..
But i mean, you don't have nothing to loose if you search for God's help, maybe He could be the answer to your problems..I told you about my past with the "death metal way of life" cause of your avatar..i thought that maybe you're a death metal fan too..(i change my lifestyle at 19..)
For the 2 drugs above^^, the capsule is mallinckrodt oxycodone 5mg, and the pill is mallinckrodt morphine sulfate extended release 15mg, i think, (i'm 99%sure

), and i'm sure you know they're opiates, they work for neuropathetic pain (i'm a chronic pain patient, i have neuropathetic pain), and they are more "addictable" from benzo's..but, let me tell you smth that i've make a conclusion from your posts, that maybe you think that there is a pill, like magic, and maybe without even side effects, that you can take it and solve all your problems at once..don't want to dissapoint you, but there's not a pill like this, i searched years to find it, but unfortunatelly there isn't a fuckin one..so maybe keep that in mind, a pill can help you, but all depends from you..i think you're a sensιtive guy, cause your problems became from the loss of your grandfather and grandmother, so..I just wanted to say my opinion about some things that could help you..I wish you all the good luck, i'm sure that you'll find the way to solve your problems..%)
MartinFn