I've had a hard time dealing with Social Anxiety since I was really young, about since I was 6 or 7. It sounds dumb, but I may have gotten it from watching too much Doug when I was a kid. I remember Doug talking about how he wouldn't ask out Patty Mayonaise because if he got rejected he'd be the laughing stock of the whole school. I remember I was only anxious about talking to girls my age for a really long time because I couldn't stop thinking about all the things that could go wrong where I ended up being publically humiliated. Some time around 13 years old it shifted from just girls to a general anxiety of talking to anyone because of the way I was treated at school (I was a smart, nice, and good at school so I was always being singled out). I actually was publically humiliated because of being turned down by a girl sometime around then, and the girl (who I had known since we were 4) never talked to me again. The people who instigated the whole thing were actually people I thought of as friends, so I turtled up and stopped being able to talk to anyone I wasn't extremely close to. My parents were also punishment-happy and although they meant well, the way they tried to get me to do better at things (like sports or academics or what have you) was by telling me how bad I was at those things and how I could do better and it looked like I wasn't trying even though I usually did try to do my best at everything. They made me do a lot of stuff when I was young like football, basketball, baseball, karate, swimming, piano lessons, soccer, hunting... So I had to hear them complain about how I wasn't good enough from the time I was 4 until I was about 19. They also tried way too hard to make sure I had traditional southern baptist values, so I was punished for all kinds of stuff that was completely unfair. I remember being hit in the mouth for just saying the word "embryo" or "gay" when I was 9 years old. I ended up being really repressed and unable to comfortably talk about anything sexual or potentially controversial. I still am fairly uncomfortable discussing anything related to sex at all even with people that I'm comfortable around (IE, the ones that I've known for years that talking to doesn't trigger panic attacks).
I can see what probably gave me these problems, but that doesn't make it any easier to get over. I regularly have panic attacks in social situations, especially when I have to speak in front of a group of people. I was prescribed Xanax when I was in high school, but I found that while it did get rid of the anxiety, it made me feel like a zombie and I hated it so I didn't take it for long. The anxiety has diminished significantly since I started smoking cannabis and I can actually function a lot better than I used to be able to, but I still have a very difficult time talking to people, especially girls. I'm 21 years old and I still haven't ever had a significant other. I don't have many friends. I'm a lonely person and sometimes this leads to moderate to severe depression. I've tried being more social, but when I try my mind goes blank and I feel like I lose control of myself. I get dizzy, I can't focus, my breathing becomes fast and irregular, my heart begins pounding extremely hard and rapidly, my mouth becomes dry, and I feel like I'm going to pass out or throw up... The last episode I had was roughly two weeks ago during an oral exam for my Japanese class at my University.
If anyone has any advice I would be extremely grateful because while I think I could eventually overcome this on my own (I've been improving since I started college), I don't think I can do it fast enough. I get scared that by the time I'm able to function well enough I'll be too old for it to matter and I'll never be able to have a girlfriend or hold down a job that requires any amount of socialization. Would therapy be a good thing to consider? I know a lot of people encourage it, but I don't know if it actually helps or not... Has it done good for anyone here? My university offers counsiling and therapy free to all students who want it, so I have access to it. Any advice at all will be extremely appreciated.