Anticipation.

[EntrenchdMentalist]

Anticipation - Version 0.02 - critique at your leisure

Don't be a comedian,
just be natural.
Don't blurt out that
you fear dying
having never found love again.
(after giving it up so easily)
Don't get your hopes up too high, but
Don't just give up,
You know there's a spark.

Do take that spark and
gently
gently
breathe it into fire.

 

[(Wordy)]

Wow. I love the fact that you've tried something different (for you): a short, terse poem with simple language.

But simple language can be deceptive. This is a very clever piece of work, and I love the message it holds. The use of the line (the way the lines are broken) is perfect. The opening two lines are brilliant, as is the "Do take that spark and / gently / gently".

The only thing I'm unsure about is the last line. I take it "breath" should be "breathe"? But can you really breathe fire into a spark? I guess figuratively you can, but the metaphor seems a little clumsy maybe? On the other hand, I can understand a spark breathed into fire. Hmmm...

 

[EntrenchdMentalist]

The only thing I'm unsure about is the last line. I take it "breath" should be "breathe"? But can you really breathe fire into a spark? I guess figuratively you can, but the metaphor seems a little clumsy maybe? On the other hand, I can understand a spark breathed into fire. Hmmm...

Yes. Breathe, not breath (typo) :S

I see your point about the spark. It felt eloquent at the time. But also, yes, this is a new direction for me and in my usually chaotic style I'm generally rather unconcerned about things making too much sense as long as there are a few handholds to to grab on to in the dark, so you can find your way through.

But perhaps I can just switch it around, like so?

Do take that spark and
gently
gently
breathe it into fire.

Thoughts?

 

[(Wordy)]

That works better for me.

 

[EntrenchdMentalist]

Works for me too. Thanks for your input.

 

[RareForm]

heheh. the title made me chuckle at my leisure. concise and undoubtedly interesting. i do love the supposed idea/intention of the last stanza, seemingly hopeful and enjoining. -- please keep it up.