neverwas
Bluelighter
im not sure if this is the place to share this or not...i have one memory that is plagueing mylife so bad right now i would do anything to nothave it.anything to windback the colck...turn re-run time and aviod it...but thats not possible. so i was hopeing to share it with you. alot ofyou dont know me and dont know the back ground of this memeory.i have posted a few peices about it in this forum before.im hopeing that by sharing this it will ease my mind right now.my heart and mind are suffering a greatdeal.
not a day goes by where i dont have a thought bout it. you have no idea what its like to lay in bed at night and not want to sleep. scared of what u will dream about...to have to sleep with a light on. to be afraid of fire trucks, ambulances and anything associated with fire. from open fires to bbqs to lighters. to a simple fire stick twirler...to smell smoke, see a fire truck and grip someones hand and wrap it around it till turns their fingers a shade of redish blue.to have them look at you and want to be able to help you but feel helpless at the fact they cant. all they can do is sit with you and watch you suffer in silence...
it was a nice day...June 1st 2001...late at night i returned home to my house out west of sydney.it was a big white weather board place...lovely yard and very well kept inside...my other flat mates and her kids were all asleep but one.the other one had gone to her boyfriends that night.my best friend was also there.we sat on my bed listening to a Dance Nation cd i had bought...we were in the process of dying my hair...i started a new job the next day.i was anxious and excited.the time clicked over till 11.40pm and it was to late for my friend to catch a train home so she suggested she stayed on my couch. me being me said no.i had a feeling she shouldnt b staying tongiht. so i drove her back home...
so i returned home to the house being all quiet and restfull.i walked in the door and closed it behind me...latched it and crawled into bed. 30minutes later i woke up to a loud crash...with chills running down my spin i woke up and sat up...lying nakedin bed i fumbled round in the dark lookn for the light switch...how odd...now power. so i fumbled over to my bed and found some track pants and a signlet...then i heard something smash. the sound went right through me. in fear of soemone breaking into the house i slowly walked out the door...
i could smell smoke...which was odd.the house is always shut up...secure...as soon as i opend the kitchen door that led to the lounge i was ver come with smoke...i collapsed to the floor...
i must of been out for a few seconds because i got up and had a blanket over me...i looked up and sa wa huge wall of flames staring me in the face...no more than 10 feet infront of me. the whole house was on fire...screaming and crying was comeing from the bedroom. with half the house in flame i woke everyone else...with my other flat mate putting her kids in the car she drive them up the street.me searching the house for the cat i fell over...
gasping for air and knowing that i couldnt see...i said a prayer...i prayed that everything would be ok.i sat on the floor not being able to move. seeing flames all around me i wrapped myself in the doonah u gave me crying for my father who is interstate...just praying that everyone was outside...i sat there on the floor for a good 20minsutes...the house goin gup in flames round me.i didnt have the energy to move a muscle or even try to get up and run outside...i could see the wall fall. it took the fire brigade over 30 minutes to get to my house...the next door neighbour i rememerb picking me up and carrying me outside and laying me on his lawn...i was crying un controllably...
the police had blocked off both ends of my street so the trucks had to wait for them to walk a k to move which took longer...sitting outside i counted everyone...pat, gina, ian, henry, chontelle, kayla...wheres ian...there were two ians...one was not there...i searched the now accumulated crowd and couldnt see him...screaming i went running back towards the house. standing on the grass being physically restrianed by the neighbour i saw him...standing inside the house....in the bedroom...standing there as if he didnt know where to go...what to do...
the neighbours son ran to the door but had to stop...the heat was to much to go in and save ian. we stood on the front lawn and watched in horror.watched this mans life be over taken with fire, heat , smoke. watched his body fall to the ground as it was over taken with flames...i cried and broke down into a heap on the ground. how could someone suddenly loose their way and just give up? its just so hard to explain. so hard to imagine.the image is in my mind...it haunts me like an unwanted bill or past relationship...it is with me where ever i go...what ever i do...the image of seeing him...its permanently scarred into my mind...for life...
sometimes i sit here and i wonder what i would be like if it never had happened...what it would be like to be noraml again...to not have these fears...to not want to drive so fast you crash and hope you die...sometimes i sit here and long for the day where my heart and soul and mind are all at peace...where i can rest and just wtch the world go by. sit here and laugh again....may be one day...i can be me...maybe...
its 3.39am and i am once agan not able to sleep...this isnt a poem...it isnt a dialogue. this is just whats runnging round in my head.im tryin to shake this memeory and move on in my life...but its just so hard.i dont even know if i should of posted this here or what...my minds a mess and it is only goin to get worse as the day sgo by...its nearlly two yrs since this happened...on June 1st 2001 i lost him in the house fire...it was nearlly two yrs ago...but it seems like only yesterday...this is a a true life event to...it dug up so many emotoins...
*i apologise for any typos or lackof garama...tis late and i am notin a corretive mood
not a day goes by where i dont have a thought bout it. you have no idea what its like to lay in bed at night and not want to sleep. scared of what u will dream about...to have to sleep with a light on. to be afraid of fire trucks, ambulances and anything associated with fire. from open fires to bbqs to lighters. to a simple fire stick twirler...to smell smoke, see a fire truck and grip someones hand and wrap it around it till turns their fingers a shade of redish blue.to have them look at you and want to be able to help you but feel helpless at the fact they cant. all they can do is sit with you and watch you suffer in silence...
it was a nice day...June 1st 2001...late at night i returned home to my house out west of sydney.it was a big white weather board place...lovely yard and very well kept inside...my other flat mates and her kids were all asleep but one.the other one had gone to her boyfriends that night.my best friend was also there.we sat on my bed listening to a Dance Nation cd i had bought...we were in the process of dying my hair...i started a new job the next day.i was anxious and excited.the time clicked over till 11.40pm and it was to late for my friend to catch a train home so she suggested she stayed on my couch. me being me said no.i had a feeling she shouldnt b staying tongiht. so i drove her back home...
so i returned home to the house being all quiet and restfull.i walked in the door and closed it behind me...latched it and crawled into bed. 30minutes later i woke up to a loud crash...with chills running down my spin i woke up and sat up...lying nakedin bed i fumbled round in the dark lookn for the light switch...how odd...now power. so i fumbled over to my bed and found some track pants and a signlet...then i heard something smash. the sound went right through me. in fear of soemone breaking into the house i slowly walked out the door...
i could smell smoke...which was odd.the house is always shut up...secure...as soon as i opend the kitchen door that led to the lounge i was ver come with smoke...i collapsed to the floor...
i must of been out for a few seconds because i got up and had a blanket over me...i looked up and sa wa huge wall of flames staring me in the face...no more than 10 feet infront of me. the whole house was on fire...screaming and crying was comeing from the bedroom. with half the house in flame i woke everyone else...with my other flat mate putting her kids in the car she drive them up the street.me searching the house for the cat i fell over...
gasping for air and knowing that i couldnt see...i said a prayer...i prayed that everything would be ok.i sat on the floor not being able to move. seeing flames all around me i wrapped myself in the doonah u gave me crying for my father who is interstate...just praying that everyone was outside...i sat there on the floor for a good 20minsutes...the house goin gup in flames round me.i didnt have the energy to move a muscle or even try to get up and run outside...i could see the wall fall. it took the fire brigade over 30 minutes to get to my house...the next door neighbour i rememerb picking me up and carrying me outside and laying me on his lawn...i was crying un controllably...
the police had blocked off both ends of my street so the trucks had to wait for them to walk a k to move which took longer...sitting outside i counted everyone...pat, gina, ian, henry, chontelle, kayla...wheres ian...there were two ians...one was not there...i searched the now accumulated crowd and couldnt see him...screaming i went running back towards the house. standing on the grass being physically restrianed by the neighbour i saw him...standing inside the house....in the bedroom...standing there as if he didnt know where to go...what to do...
the neighbours son ran to the door but had to stop...the heat was to much to go in and save ian. we stood on the front lawn and watched in horror.watched this mans life be over taken with fire, heat , smoke. watched his body fall to the ground as it was over taken with flames...i cried and broke down into a heap on the ground. how could someone suddenly loose their way and just give up? its just so hard to explain. so hard to imagine.the image is in my mind...it haunts me like an unwanted bill or past relationship...it is with me where ever i go...what ever i do...the image of seeing him...its permanently scarred into my mind...for life...
sometimes i sit here and i wonder what i would be like if it never had happened...what it would be like to be noraml again...to not have these fears...to not want to drive so fast you crash and hope you die...sometimes i sit here and long for the day where my heart and soul and mind are all at peace...where i can rest and just wtch the world go by. sit here and laugh again....may be one day...i can be me...maybe...
its 3.39am and i am once agan not able to sleep...this isnt a poem...it isnt a dialogue. this is just whats runnging round in my head.im tryin to shake this memeory and move on in my life...but its just so hard.i dont even know if i should of posted this here or what...my minds a mess and it is only goin to get worse as the day sgo by...its nearlly two yrs since this happened...on June 1st 2001 i lost him in the house fire...it was nearlly two yrs ago...but it seems like only yesterday...this is a a true life event to...it dug up so many emotoins...
*i apologise for any typos or lackof garama...tis late and i am notin a corretive mood 
