CalmG
Bluelighter
Not sure if this is the right forum. This will be a long topic too by the way and it is soley about me.
OK SO bit of history about me. As child always full of energy used to run laps and laps around school playing field.
Whole life have been described as eccentric.
As teenager after bullying in middle school am described at school as 'a legend' really really popular get on with everyone and am funny. VEry popular and confident. Get up to do kareokee by myself infront of entire year group on last day of school (aged 16) that confident. Am a sweet, nice person. Happy, get on with teachers ect.
Aged 17 find out I'm gay. Smoking alot of Chronic at this time. Become an arsehole and very depressed. Examples of my kind of behavior - befriend kid at college who is always bullied. I'm his only friend. We have rapport. I go up to him whilst drunk and say 'Aaron.... you're a cunt!'' he looks destroyed. Pick arguments with people constantly. Have people tell me I'm weird and crazy all the time. I have a drinking problem always going to college drunk. Get put into alcohol counclleing. Study hard though out of determination to get out of sleepy hometown and get joint with another girl joint best exam results and escape to university in another part of the country. I have alot of issues revolving around being gay whilst simutaniously smoking lots of chronic. Key example of my craziness I rock back and forth on a tombstone in the local cematry thinking ''I'm crazy I'm crazy'' over and over again. I smoke cigerettes made of bible paper and then stub them out on the church door. I start vicious arguments with others and call them cunts ect to their face. Completely uncomfrotable in my own skin. Have a few anxiety associated social phobias. Suicidal thoughts but not to a serious extent. Take lots of ecstasy, speed, magic mushrooms all at this young age.
Go to university can't handle it because of the culture shock drinking all the time don't attend classes.
After graudating confidence gradually builds through doing telephone jobs and evolve into a really lovely, charismatic person. People describe me as on the nicest people they know, genuine and lovely, sweet, funny. Am completly comfortable in my own skin. All past issues gone. Capable of forming relationships and friendships. Hold down a job I enjoy. I am like manically happy - described as the ball of emotion and energy. Intensly happy, described as a character - example I will be walking down city street if soemone is playing a song I like from a window I will shout loudly I LOVE THAT SONG! I go out 5 nights a week and regularly go to work on maybe 4 hours sleep hungover or on a comedown and still hit target (am a telephone fundraiser). You can literally never shut me up I talk constantly. Very popular described as a legend at work. I will walk up to people who don't like me push them genetally and say ''I'M A REALLY NICE PERSON!'' in a room full of people will sing at top of my voice. Described as ray of sunshine. At this point I am not at all arrogant and if I find myself getting cocky I say to myself in head ''Don't get arrogant calum don't get arrogant!'
Get into abusive friendship at work. All social anxieties come back. Tells me lots of people at work have said that I'm intense. I obsesses about it constantly spend about 4 months obsessing about whetehr or not I am crazy. Start falling out with people like before when I was 17. Hit friend who was mean to me in the face. Get thrown out of houseparty. Can't do job anymore. Fall into massive depression that old issues have come back. Become sucidal and arrange to meet people off the internet to do it via charcoal method. Start sleeping with creepy weirdos.
That's my pattern. Swing between being full of energy and life chatterbox who is very charismatic (not just saying this is true) to depressed bitter issue ridden kinda nuts vinidictive cunt.
Sister suggests there might be somethign more to my depression that just that, she suggests perhaps i'm on the spectrum or bipolar. A friend said that to me before. I go to a and e because of suicidal tendancies they do hour long assesment shrink says I seem manic they are putting me forward for further assesment.
Other things that suggest it 1)awful with money will spend £500 in 2 weeks purely on going out. Completly live in present with no consideration of the consequences 2)never stop talking 3) either described as ray of sunshine 4) when I'm down I obsesses about what I used to be like ''oh iused to be such a legend.... i used to be so awesome...... I was the nicest person ever at my old job...' ( a symptom is illusions of grandour). 5 Selfish. When I'm down all I will think about is myself literally nothing else have no empathy, no ability to form rapport with other people. 6) get angry and will smash bottles in street 7 ) have identity disturbance don't even know what music I like anymore start dressing compeleyl different.
Do I sound perhaps bi-polar? I switch between being this extremely charismatic person who speaks constantly can get on with anyone to depressed bitter vindictive cunt with no consideration for others not even family.
It could however be that I was once a happy socially capable person who found out I was gay, then had loads of issues, got over them and returned to being charismatic, then had old issues re-emerge. Rather than have a mental health condition. Could just be 2 occurances of major depression. Reason I think perhaps its this is that the 'manic' and 'depressed' phases have been for literally years at a time.
Either way getting screened by a team soon who should be able to tell me for sure but have to be careful not to respond to their questions in such a way i'm telling them what they wanna hear (have studied psychology have vague understanding how it works).
What do you guys think? Am hoping one day I can get to the point where I'm just my happy charming self and stay there without relapsing. At the moment i'm on valium as of the last 3 days which is helpful because for the last 8 months have thought about nothing but killing myself 90% of waking hours and this has calmed me down significantly.
OK SO bit of history about me. As child always full of energy used to run laps and laps around school playing field.
Whole life have been described as eccentric.
As teenager after bullying in middle school am described at school as 'a legend' really really popular get on with everyone and am funny. VEry popular and confident. Get up to do kareokee by myself infront of entire year group on last day of school (aged 16) that confident. Am a sweet, nice person. Happy, get on with teachers ect.
Aged 17 find out I'm gay. Smoking alot of Chronic at this time. Become an arsehole and very depressed. Examples of my kind of behavior - befriend kid at college who is always bullied. I'm his only friend. We have rapport. I go up to him whilst drunk and say 'Aaron.... you're a cunt!'' he looks destroyed. Pick arguments with people constantly. Have people tell me I'm weird and crazy all the time. I have a drinking problem always going to college drunk. Get put into alcohol counclleing. Study hard though out of determination to get out of sleepy hometown and get joint with another girl joint best exam results and escape to university in another part of the country. I have alot of issues revolving around being gay whilst simutaniously smoking lots of chronic. Key example of my craziness I rock back and forth on a tombstone in the local cematry thinking ''I'm crazy I'm crazy'' over and over again. I smoke cigerettes made of bible paper and then stub them out on the church door. I start vicious arguments with others and call them cunts ect to their face. Completely uncomfrotable in my own skin. Have a few anxiety associated social phobias. Suicidal thoughts but not to a serious extent. Take lots of ecstasy, speed, magic mushrooms all at this young age.
Go to university can't handle it because of the culture shock drinking all the time don't attend classes.
After graudating confidence gradually builds through doing telephone jobs and evolve into a really lovely, charismatic person. People describe me as on the nicest people they know, genuine and lovely, sweet, funny. Am completly comfortable in my own skin. All past issues gone. Capable of forming relationships and friendships. Hold down a job I enjoy. I am like manically happy - described as the ball of emotion and energy. Intensly happy, described as a character - example I will be walking down city street if soemone is playing a song I like from a window I will shout loudly I LOVE THAT SONG! I go out 5 nights a week and regularly go to work on maybe 4 hours sleep hungover or on a comedown and still hit target (am a telephone fundraiser). You can literally never shut me up I talk constantly. Very popular described as a legend at work. I will walk up to people who don't like me push them genetally and say ''I'M A REALLY NICE PERSON!'' in a room full of people will sing at top of my voice. Described as ray of sunshine. At this point I am not at all arrogant and if I find myself getting cocky I say to myself in head ''Don't get arrogant calum don't get arrogant!'
Get into abusive friendship at work. All social anxieties come back. Tells me lots of people at work have said that I'm intense. I obsesses about it constantly spend about 4 months obsessing about whetehr or not I am crazy. Start falling out with people like before when I was 17. Hit friend who was mean to me in the face. Get thrown out of houseparty. Can't do job anymore. Fall into massive depression that old issues have come back. Become sucidal and arrange to meet people off the internet to do it via charcoal method. Start sleeping with creepy weirdos.
That's my pattern. Swing between being full of energy and life chatterbox who is very charismatic (not just saying this is true) to depressed bitter issue ridden kinda nuts vinidictive cunt.
Sister suggests there might be somethign more to my depression that just that, she suggests perhaps i'm on the spectrum or bipolar. A friend said that to me before. I go to a and e because of suicidal tendancies they do hour long assesment shrink says I seem manic they are putting me forward for further assesment.
Other things that suggest it 1)awful with money will spend £500 in 2 weeks purely on going out. Completly live in present with no consideration of the consequences 2)never stop talking 3) either described as ray of sunshine 4) when I'm down I obsesses about what I used to be like ''oh iused to be such a legend.... i used to be so awesome...... I was the nicest person ever at my old job...' ( a symptom is illusions of grandour). 5 Selfish. When I'm down all I will think about is myself literally nothing else have no empathy, no ability to form rapport with other people. 6) get angry and will smash bottles in street 7 ) have identity disturbance don't even know what music I like anymore start dressing compeleyl different.
Do I sound perhaps bi-polar? I switch between being this extremely charismatic person who speaks constantly can get on with anyone to depressed bitter vindictive cunt with no consideration for others not even family.
It could however be that I was once a happy socially capable person who found out I was gay, then had loads of issues, got over them and returned to being charismatic, then had old issues re-emerge. Rather than have a mental health condition. Could just be 2 occurances of major depression. Reason I think perhaps its this is that the 'manic' and 'depressed' phases have been for literally years at a time.
Either way getting screened by a team soon who should be able to tell me for sure but have to be careful not to respond to their questions in such a way i'm telling them what they wanna hear (have studied psychology have vague understanding how it works).
What do you guys think? Am hoping one day I can get to the point where I'm just my happy charming self and stay there without relapsing. At the moment i'm on valium as of the last 3 days which is helpful because for the last 8 months have thought about nothing but killing myself 90% of waking hours and this has calmed me down significantly.
Last edited:
