Am I on the Road to Addiction?

[crazybollweevil]

I was definitely foolish when I allowed my drug taking to become integrated into my self-identity. I am also 33, with a similar duration of use, and being so young I really enjoyed the infamy that my drug use brought me. Of course this wasn't healthy at all, since having such a reputation as a head is its own motivation to keep pushing the envelope while experimenting. My use also took a pretty textbook path from "harmless mind-expansion" with loads of MD and psychedelics, into a more pedestrian and physically addictive opiate/benzo abuse cycle that wrapped me up for many years. I'm not sure what or how much I should regret anymore, lol, as I defined myself with drugs I have also developed into my current state because of them.

 

[swilow]

I mean, there's not much point in regret in many ways. You cannot change the past, but you can use to it to help align the person you want to be in the future.

It seems we took a similar path Crazyboll. That mind expansion of the late teens, early-to-mid twenties which just became that degrading, mundane, boring and frightening opiate and benzo habit that I still struggle with but on a totally different level now. Its at its end, but I look back at the litter I left behind me, the broken promises, the lessons I did't learn, the social skills I've missed and don't know how to get, the lies and stealing and constant debasement... Like shadows behind me, projecting into my present, sometimes blocking out the light. Its very hard to forgive oneself when you feel unforgivable. I can't go back, so I don't wish for that, but in my heart of hearts is a little voice that wishes it could go back and remake some of those decisions. I can't, so I try and focus on what I actaully can do.

Its not all dark, and bad things can lead to good things. I've experiecned that, as I completed my degree, and work fulltime in an academic environment that I really enjoy. I still feel like a fucking alien in most social transactions though...

 

[Nixiam]

It's almost like I don't have an intelligble excuse for the road I'm taking.

Except for self medication.

I somewhat feel guilty for liking that taboo. I should probably quit now and save the headache later, but I almost feel I've made up my mind.

To date, recreational drug use has been the best thing that's happened.

Not thinking for a second that I can't get addicted though.

 

[swilow]

^You don't need an excuse. We can only take so much suffering and I know you have more than your fair share. Self medication is understandable. My experience, however, tells me it doesn't really help in the long term. Addiction is lifelong. It makes life seem extraordinarily difficult and makes self-medicating seem reasonable.

What the real answer is, I have no idea, but I am afraid that I dont think its drugs. They have a role to play but the main work needs to be done sober IME.

Difficult life.

 

[Nixiam]

No sense in me thinking that the world owes me something, though.

Partly why I self medicate is because I complain less to my family (even though I HARDLY complain). I can make myself seem like less of an obstacle.

Maybe if I self medicate, at least I'll be doing something about my problems that may only hurt me, as opposed to hurting everyone around me by doing something immoral, like acting out or seeming hateful, or doing a disservice to my persona and following what my hormones tell me.

Well, I don't wanna derail this thread.

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THIS THREAD HAS BEEN DERAILED
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SORRY
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Don't do drugs and you will never be on the road to addiction.
At least in that facet of life.

 

[Anotherrealm]

I really hope that I one day can live without thinking about opiates multiple times a day. Addiction is not romantic or interesting in anyway, it is like living in a body that you suddenly realise you are less in control over than you'd like to think.

Amen.

It seems it's all been said already but to ad my two cents .. Everything the original poster has said sounds so familiar ... And now I'm 32 and battling a terrible opiate addiction. Just steer clear, it's so not worth the experience .. There are plenty of sober living experiences that top drug usage 10 fold .. But, if your anything like me , you can't be told sh*t ... So tread carefully , please ... It's a dangerous path.

 

[swilow]

Fixed

 

[ThePharmacist4925]

Addiction simply is not worth it. Don't get me wrong, I had a fuck ton of fun along the way; but I am now a very sad person generally speaking, dark, lost many things I loved.....

I'll just name the things I lost for the sake of making a point about addiction: Broke (blown so much money its stupid), lost my girlfriend of 7 years (it fucking hurts so bad dude), parents's trust, family's trust, cars (3, a fucking large infiniti luxury sedan brand new earlier this year), a job, been in so many psychiatric wards and rehabs, stuffs lots of stuffs (used to do photography, was really talented), some of my intelligence is just gone (don't get me wrong, Iq tested 135 this year, but god I used to be so bright, my family is full of some of the most successful people in the country or people that are about to come up and you'll probably be able to find them on wikipedia in a positive sense, not bragging, fact, I won't be able to get to where they've gotten on raw intelligence anymore), education (i've blown so many good educational opportunities getting high), almost lost my dog to institutionalization

Things I have left (just so this isn't so awfully negative): inheritance if I don't keep royally fucking up and a job at the family business, my dog thank the lord, my family doesn't hate me in fact the love me they just don't trust me, I can live with my parents, my brother is my best friend and my sister still hang out with me sometimes, my brother's finance to be likes me, my ex doesn't hate me, I'm on good terms with people in my life and my friends sort of understand what happens with me enough to not hate me, I have hobbies and interests, I want to live at least for a little while longer which is new (dark but its better than when I drove my infiniti into a tree in April trying to kill myself), sort of healthy besides my left leg being bad (I walk with a cane but fuck it, right, its getting better), my anxiety is not so debilitating that I can't do anything at all, I have community (here, reddit, other places, magic the gathering, etc...), my psychiatrist loves working with me twice a week for a hour and a half each time (I'm lucky to get old school psychotherapy), the medication sort of helps

You get the point I haven't lost everything, but fuck it hurts thinking about the things I've essentially thrown away.

I started with pot for years, had clean time, but you forget how to cope with reality after awhile of enjoying the highs and then the lows make you dig in deeper until the hole is so large it is relatively unbelievable. Bars, Bags, Blunts, Binges, Bennies, Bottom... Random drugs have fucked up my life, research chemicals, phenibut literally almost killed me (I seized out in an OD, died on the table twice, serious serious stuff surprisingly ruins lives), kratom controlled me for awhile, pain pills, benzos, you get I hope

Please don't do this to yourself. It is fun, I know. Sampling is so fun. But sampling leads to binges, leads to mistakes, leads to regret, leads to drowning it out, leads to addiction, leads to losing things you didn't know how much you loved and cared about.

Best of luck to all

I'll be alright, I've got great support ultimately

 

[swilow]

^Thanks for sharing man. I noted that your 'good things' paragraph was longer (just) than you 'bad things' one. That's good, keep adding the good stuff.

 

[DerDiebKommt]

I am back. It has been a year since I've done drugs basically every single day. Adding codeine, hydrocodone, hydromorphone, adderall, vyvanse, focalin, and LSD to my list.
I have mostly smoked weed during this time, but have still done many pills. For a good month I did vyvanse biweekly, and did LSD four times in a week.
Luckily, I never got addicted to any of these drugs.

But, this means nothing. I did not get addicted to one single drug. I am addicted to drugs in general. Not in a way where I will experience withdrawals or feel forced to take drugs, I just want to. I can only have fun under the influence. These drugs also help me A LOT with my Social Anxiety.
Since I have developed Borderline Personality Disorder and became extremely depressed, this depression is getting worse, insomnia and anorexia is developing. The only way to feel not depressed is to do drugs or other long and hard activities that take my mind off everything.
This isn't just from pills either, I honestly only pop a pill once a week or two on the usual, weed is also responsible.
I'm not saying that this will happen to everyone, everyone is different in every way, body chemistry, family history, etc.

My biggest regret is my first hit, my first drink, my first taste of drugs. I wish I never had, for I will never know how I was supposed to grow up as I would if I never used. Sometimes I feel as I have not aged ever since I begun, I'd like to feel as my old self again. I feel as my life is wasted and there will soon be no more point of living. Perhaps one day I will quit, but then I think of the friends I'd have, none. But then I think of my family, who I will be with for only two more years. After this I will be forced into an abyss of loneliness and life will be pointless. No goals, ambitions, my only talent is smoking. I only see High School Graduation as a death sentence given to me by my former self, who I can no longer recognize nor remember.

For some of you who might be wondering as I was if they are on the road of addiction, I warn you, beware the forbidden fruit, drugs.

 

[Noahhatesme]

I am back. It has been a year since I've done drugs basically every single day. Adding codeine, hydrocodone, hydromorphone, adderall, vyvanse, focalin, and LSD to my list.
I have mostly smoked weed during this time, but have still done many pills. For a good month I did vyvanse biweekly, and did LSD four times in a week.
Luckily, I never got addicted to any of these drugs.

But, this means nothing. I did not get addicted to one single drug. I am addicted to drugs in general. Not in a way where I will experience withdrawals or feel forced to take drugs, I just want to. I can only have fun under the influence. These drugs also help me A LOT with my Social Anxiety.
Since I have developed Borderline Personality Disorder and became extremely depressed, this depression is getting worse, insomnia and anorexia is developing. The only way to feel not depressed is to do drugs or other long and hard activities that take my mind off everything.
This isn't just from pills either, I honestly only pop a pill once a week or two on the usual, weed is also responsible.
I'm not saying that this will happen to everyone, everyone is different in every way, body chemistry, family history, etc.

My biggest regret is my first hit, my first drink, my first taste of drugs. I wish I never had, for I will never know how I was supposed to grow up as I would if I never used. Sometimes I feel as I have not aged ever since I begun, I'd like to feel as my old self again. I feel as my life is wasted and there will soon be no more point of living. Perhaps one day I will quit, but then I think of the friends I'd have, none. But then I think of my family, who I will be with for only two more years. After this I will be forced into an abyss of loneliness and life will be pointless. No goals, ambitions, my only talent is smoking. I only see High School Graduation as a death sentence given to me by my former self, who I can no longer recognize nor remember.

For some of you who might be wondering as I was if they are on the road of addiction, I warn you, beware the forbidden fruit, drugs.

Dosent sound like youve got an addiction, sounds like u have an addictive personality. Ive got a simular propblem. As soon as im finnally able to quit one thing i immediatly get hooked on somthing else. Ive gone from oxy to tram to dxm back to miscclanious opiates (mostly oxy but really whatever i could get my hands on) and now vyvanse. It sucks ass, so ik how u feel. Im only 15 but ive been miserable with this shit since middle school

 

[THECATINTHEHAT]

In answer to OP:

Nobody can tell you really, addiction isn't really to do with how often or how much of something you take but the effect that behaviour has on your life. Some people can get on an use substances daily and keep the rest of their shit together and lead a fulfilling life that makes them happy, with other people that exact same drug use will cause complete carnage and misery.

 

[Jerry Atrick]

Dosent sound like youve got an addiction, sounds like u have an addictive personality. Ive got a simular propblem. As soon as im finnally able to quit one thing i immediatly get hooked on somthing else. Ive gone from oxy to tram to dxm back to miscclanious opiates (mostly oxy but really whatever i could get my hands on) and now vyvanse. It sucks ass, so ik how u feel. Im only 15 but ive been miserable with this shit since middle school

In answer to OP:

Nobody can tell you really, addiction isn't really to do with how often or how much of something you take but the effect that behaviour has on your life. Some people can get on an use substances daily and keep the rest of their shit together and lead a fulfilling life that makes them happy, with other people that exact same drug use will cause complete carnage and misery.

Hey guys, just an FYI- it's normally a good idea to check the date and time stamps of threads and posts in old threads. This thread was made in 2016 and the OP who started the thread hasn't even logged on since 2019.

Not griping at anyone. Just letting you know that y'all are talking to people who are not active members. As always, if you see an old thread and have ideas or suggestions on the subject matter, it would probably be better to just start a new thread rather than attempting to communicate with ghosts of years past

 

[THECATINTHEHAT]

Hey guys, just an FYI- it's normally a good idea to check the date and time stamps of threads and posts in old threads. This thread was made in 2016 and the OP who started the thread hasn't even logged on since 2019.

Not griping at anyone. Just letting you know that y'all are talking to people who are not active members. As always, if you see an old thread and have ideas or suggestions on the subject matter, it would probably be better to just start a new thread rather than attempting to communicate with ghosts of years past

Yeah I saw that after posting but couldn’t be fucked to edit it

 

[Noahhatesme]

Hey guys, just an FYI- it's normally a good idea to check the date and time stamps of threads and posts in old threads. This thread was made in 2016 and the OP who started the thread hasn't even logged on since 2019.

Not griping at anyone. Just letting you know that y'all are talking to people who are not active members. As always, if you see an old thread and have ideas or suggestions on the subject matter, it would probably be better to just start a new thread rather than attempting to communicate with ghosts of years past

Oh shit lol my bad.

 

[yubacity]

Thanks for your responses. I originally posted this in homeless and it got moved to Other Drugs. I just realized it was also here.

After hearing stories people have told me I've decided to not try heroin.

However I can now acquire 80mg Oxys for $20, so I will not yet discontinue my opiate use and plan on making it a weekly thing. At any sign of addiction I plan to stop immediately.

Thanks again everyone.

Planning on making opiates a weekly thing is a dangerous thing . There normally comes a time when a weekly thing becomes a i feel shit today or i got hard day at work just today next week back to a weekly thing.

You might be able to keep it to once a week but most of us tried that or got off opiates and tried the once week thing never worked for me hope it does for you but why risk it

 

[Jerry Atrick]

Yeah I saw that after posting but couldn’t be fucked to edit it

Oh shit lol my bad.

No worries

 

[sohrah]

At least you ask. I seem to just tumble on down it like a tumbleweed doused in gasoline that runs into you and sets you on fire

I mean, there's not much point in regret in many ways. You cannot change the past, but you can use to it to help align the person you want to be in the future.

It seems we took a similar path Crazyboll. That mind expansion of the late teens, early-to-mid twenties which just became that degrading, mundane, boring and frightening opiate and benzo habit that I still struggle with but on a totally different level now. Its at its end, but I look back at the litter I left behind me, the broken promises, the lessons I did't learn, the social skills I've missed and don't know how to get, the lies and stealing and constant debasement... Like shadows behind me, projecting into my present, sometimes blocking out the light. Its very hard to forgive oneself when you feel unforgivable. I can't go back, so I don't wish for that, but in my heart of hearts is a little voice that wishes it could go back and remake some of those decisions. I can't, so I try and focus on what I actaully can do.

Its not all dark, and bad things can lead to good things. I've experiecned that, as I completed my degree, and work fulltime in an academic environment that I really enjoy. I still feel like a fucking alien in most social transactions though...

nice I can relate to that. I feel trapped in a pit and have come to loathe spirituality which just makes any light seen as being putrid to my heart's desires. Call me a wretched nothing I sure deserve the title and being shamed by people in the past never got me clean my use increased if we look honestly at the critiquing.

 

[TimTim1993]

Yes you are definitely on your way to becoming an addict, personally I can see how your use is getting more progressive with you trying all the different stuff, I was the same way and now I've struggled with crack, heroin, and alcohol addiction severely for the past 8 years. Stop while you can because you will eventually cross over that invisible line into addiction. I went through things that I never thought I would go through like jail, rehab, detox, homelessness, losing every job I had, losing relationships, my family doesn't speak to me anymore, I've overdosed, done almost every drug out there, saw traumatic shit, been held hostage by dealers, hung out with people who sold their bodies, robbed family and friends, committed many different crimes for money to get high. The list goes on and on, it gets to a point where you can't look at yourself in the mirror and you can't live without using and you can't live with it either. Personally I think you are already showing serious signs but haven't crossed the line yet. By the way don't try heroin because it's not heroin anymore it's fentanyl

 

[TimTim1993]

I started the same way you did like smoking weed, messing around with DXM, and benzos and ADHD drugs, and prescription opiates. But now I'm a crack addict, a heroin addict and an alcoholic