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Am I Bi? Does my wife suspect it? How do I tell her?

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dazed53

Greenlighter
Joined
Aug 10, 2012
Messages
21
For the last 10 years or so, I have gone back and forth on whether or not I could be "bisexual" or curious about sexual acts with guys. I have often fantasized about going down on a guy, and look at porn that includes those types of sex acts as well. I have never had an actual experience with a man, but am extremely curious about the act of giving oral sex. However, I am married to an amazing woman, who grew up conservatively and isnt as open minded as I would like. Shes not homophobic, but doesnt have much exposure to these types of things. Recently, my urges to experiment have gotten intense, and frequent. I find myself talking to quite a few female friends, and even family members about my situation in regard to my sexual orientation. I really want to tell my wife, but I am scared beyond belief that she will not understand, and freak out on me. To be quite honest, the fact that I have never had an actual experience sexually may not mean I am bisexual, but I do know that the urge to give oral sex is intense.

How do I tell my wife i have fantasies about men? Is there a way to somehow "gauge" her reaction, to see how she might react..or if she currently suspects anything? it should also be noted that I get teased all the time, and have been teased all my life because people think i am gay, or have those tendencies.
 
Do you have kids? If no, do you want to have them?

What is your current level of interest in sex with women? Putting the idea of guys aside, how exciting do you find pussy? How about your wife's pussy? Do you jerk off to fantisies about women as well as men?
 
Johnny1 said:
What is your current level of interest in sex with women? Putting the idea of guys aside, how exciting do you find pussy? How about your wife's pussy? Do you jerk off to fantisies about women as well as men?
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Really?!? We're going there? Johnny, your comment sounds awfully close to, 'No such thing as bi people, just closeted gays, amirite?'

I'm pretty sure that if he's wondering, 'am I bi?', it's because he's feeling attraction to both men and women; let's respect the man's intelligence enough to work on the assumption that he knows the common definition of the word 'bisexual', shall we?

OP, if you're feeling sexual attraction to men as well as women, then in the current labeling system, yes, that makes you bi. But fwiw, rigid heterosexuality is actually the newly-created, historically aberrant sexual label; having a degree of fluidity in your attractions was the norm for most of human history (and is the norm in most animal species studied so far, too). Nothing abnormal about it, but if your wife's absorbed a lot of 'conservative' messages about sex, you might need to slowly get her more used to the idea that fluidity isn't abnormal before 'coming out' to her.
 
No, SG, I'm not like that. I'm cool with whoever the OP is. But I would be interested in his answers to my questions, because there is a world of difference in his future based on where on the spectrum he is.
 
There is straight, bisexual, and everything in between. You shouldn't label yourself as a bisexual just because you have a curiosity about having sex with members of the same sex, I would only suggest it if you believe you're capable of psychologically bonding with a guy the same way you bond with your wife.
 
No kids, but trying.


Ultimately, what I would like out of this entire situation is acceptance. My end goal is her accepting this part of me. I have really hated myself for the last how many years because of these urges. I look at a man, and immediately think of how nice his penis might look , or taste..or feel inside of me. Up until lately, the urges were just for the penis..but now..they are towards a certain guy. They have grown in a sense. I get very nervous and anxious around him, not to mention very aroused. Problem is, he is the husband of my wifes best friend.

The other reason I want to know what she thinks is because every now and then, she will make little jokes, or comments that indicate to me she suspects something at the very least. She will randomly ask me if I am gay, and play it off as a joke..then when I ask her if she thinks I am, she says “ Cant you take a joke, I am just giving you a hard time”.
 
BlueDelight said:
There is straight, bisexual, and everything in between. You shouldn't label yourself as a bisexual just because you have a curiosity about having sex with members of the same sex, I would only suggest it if you believe you're capable of psychologically bonding with a guy the same way you bond with your wife.
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Actually this is not true. You do not have to be able to fall in love with both genders, or want romantic relationships with both genders in order to be bisexual. You just have to be sexually attracted to both genders as Sydney girl wrote. I can fall in love and have relationships with both genders but not all bisexual people are like this. I know many bisexual men who fall in love with just men or just other women but they're still bisexual. I also know a lot of bisexual men who can fall in love with both genders.

I'm not married, partnered, or in any sort of relationship now but I've been out as bisexual for decades so whoever I sleep with, date, or get into a relationship with already knows.

I know bisexual men who are married/partnered and some told their husband/wife immediately. Others did what Sydney gal wrote and sort of told their husband or wife how people can be bisexual and then came out to them.
 
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OP, you sound like you're bi. I think the best way to tell your wife is to just tell her. Just come out with it. Good luck!
 
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I think you should get this out in the open before you get pregnant. You sound like you are in a state of transition, and you don't know how your wife is going to react yet. This is big stuff. You are falling in love with someone else. It doesn't seem like a good time to start a family.

Also, you did not say that you are still into sex with women. I know what everyone said about not needing to label yourself, but I can tell you that most marriages will not thrive (or even survive) without a healthy sex life. I'm sure there are couples who are committed to each other and can make it work, but until you know you can make your marriage work, don't get pregnant.

I hope things work out for the best, man.
 
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Johnny1 said:
I think you should get this out in the open before you get pregnant. You sound like you are in a state of transition, and you don't know how your wife is going to react yet. This is big stuff. You are falling in love with someone else. It doesn't seem like a good time to start a family.

Also, you did not say that you are still into sex with women. I know what everyone said about not needing to label yourself, but I can tell you that most marriages will not thrive (or even survive) without a healthy sex life. I'm sure there are couples who are committed to each other and can make it work, but until you know you can make your marriage work, don't get pregnant.

I hope things work out for the best, man.
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I dont want to date the guy, just go down on him. lol
 
Ok then I got it wrong. I'm sorry - please ignore what I said. You wrote a bunch of stuff that seemed to me like you were making a big transition in your life, as opposed to expanding your sexual repertoire based on some strong urges. If it's just about sex, I hope she will be cool about it at some point so you can be fulfilled on all levels. It might take some time for her to accept the idea, so go slowly, one little step at a time. (So long as what I said wasn't on the right track.)
 
Johnny1, I kinda liked your first quest. ;) I thought it was relevant.

OP, I think you have to figure out what you want more - a fling with a dude or your wife. I feel for your wife, because I have a feeling you're going with the former. Our urges and decisions have consequences, and it isn't all about you. You got married, and you promised to be with this woman and she was misguided (albeit it might have been unintentional on your part) into thinking you wanted a straight, monogamous relationship with her.

So, you have already indicated (and you know her best) that she will probably freak out and not accept it. You need to decide what you want more -- the fling or the wife -- because she might just walk out on you to find a guy who wants a monogamous, straight relationship. TBH, if it was her posting here, crying and asking what she should do because her husband has decided he wants to give random men blow jobs, I would tell her to walk.
 
Personally I would find it soo fucking hott if my boyfriend confided in me with tales of desires/fantasies over other men.. *drool*
Although, I have the feeling he'd feel the same way if I started telling him that I wanted to do girl/girl stuff.. lol
Anyway, maybe it wont be a big deal? She's your wife she likely loves you a great deal, should be able to accept the many facets of your sexuality. She may be a little surprised at first, you might need to reassure her you aren't planning on leaving her to run into the sunset with another man, but then I hope she will show you the love and acceptance you seek from her. <3 Whether she'll be ok with you taking it any further and actually having sexual relations with other people while in a relationship with her likely may not be something she will agree to.
 
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Yeah you sound Bi you seem attracted sexually to both genders.... honestly we cant say since you havent done it.... the day that this might come up in your life you might not wanna suck the guys and it could be a total turn off.
But then again you never know.
Sadly telling her could go bad... she might have a bad reaction or a good one. If my fiance said that to me I would fully accept him and not bitch about it but then some woman are not going to like that you want to be with a man.
Though you are MARRIED and marriage needs honesty and during sex its something you need to talk and always be happy about i think everyone would agree, s what I'm saying is go ahead talk to her if she really loves you she will probably accept it maybe she will be bitchy or more depressed but i think she woul get over it... dont go like " hey i love you babe but i wanna suck a dick" Tell her you love and you're attracted to her and etc then go ahead and tell her that lately you have been sexually attracted to men and that you dont know if your Bi yet but you are sexually thinking of men.... you're gonna have to make it 100 percent clear that you're not gay and you have sexual attraction to her if you dont then she'll freak out.

Now.... the thing is do you just want to tell her or do you really wanna go give oral and maybe more to a man? Since she isnt as open as you would like i'm not sure how that would go you're not gonna have to expect her to be okay with that on Day one so take it slow and try to open her up and crack the shell shes under and hopefuy she will open up.
 
PriestTheyCalledHim said:
Actually this is not true. You do not have to be able to fall in love with both genders, or want romantic relationships with both genders in order to be bisexual. You just have to be sexually attracted to both genders as Sydney girl wrote. I can fall in love and have relationships with both genders but not all bisexual people are like this. I know many bisexual men who fall in love with just men or just other women but they're still bisexual. I also know a lot of bisexual men who can fall in love with both genders.

I'm not married, partnered, or in any sort of relationship now but I've been out as bisexual for decades so whoever I sleep with, date, or get into a relationship with already knows.

I know bisexual men who are married/partnered and some told their husband/wife immediately. Others did what Sydney gal wrote and sort of told their husband or wife how people can be bisexual and then came out to them.
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If you can't fall in love with both genders, then you are not fully bisexual because it means one of the genders doesn't suit you in the way it normally should if you were truly bisexual. Men and women have different personalities in addition to their bodies. Such half-bisexual men can sometimes think about sex with other men, but ultimately, the limit is personality. I have a few friends like this who are married, there is no reason why men like them should label themselves as "bisexual" if they don't even see the two genders as equal.
 
OP: You say this has been fermenting in your brain for the past 10 years or so.. do you know what triggered it in the first place? Did you have some encounter in youth, intentionally, or unintentionally perhaps? I mean I can't see a desire this strong just manifesting out of thin air, to me there has to be some causative agent somewhere along the line.

Also as someone else asked (which you didn't answer yet), what is your current desire towards women? Not your wife, women. I'm not sure I have advice to offer and I'm not going to judge you or anything, it's just the topic of bisexuality interests me right now (how the mind of that person is).
 
Libby said:
Personally I would find it soo fucking hott if my boyfriend confided in me with tales of desires/fantasies over other men.. *drool*
Although, I have the feeling he'd feel the same way if I started telling him that I wanted to do girl/girl stuff.. lol
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Likewise! I don't think some of the boys realise that while they're fantasising about watching two women together, we're busy fantasising about two hot guys getting it on right in front of us.

OP, if your wife already makes the odd joke about whether you're gay or not, you could always just mention it casually then, e.g.

Mrs OP: "Honey, are you gay?"
OP: "Why, do you wanna watch me suck some guy's cock?"

If you know her reactions well, you'll probably get a read on whether hearing you say that is a panty-soaker for her or not.

My rule-of-thumb for out-there sexual fantasies is to mention it casually a couple of times before I bring it up seriously, and then to mention it in a 'think about it' way instead of a 'let's do this right now' way first. I find that giving people time to think and fantasize about whatever it is for a while first makes it more likely you'll get a yes (or a 'no but we can do this similar thing instead', which is almost as good usually ;) )
 
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BlueDelight said:
If you can't fall in love with both genders, then you are not fully bisexual because it means one of the genders doesn't suit you in the way it normally should if you were truly bisexual. Men and women have different personalities in addition to their bodies. Such half-bisexual men can sometimes think about sex with other men, but ultimately, the limit is personality. I have a few friends like this who are married, there is no reason why men like them should label themselves as "bisexual" if they don't even see the two genders as equal.
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Are straight guys who prefer one-night stands and/or short-term things rather than being madly in love 'half-straight'?!? Or people who've never been in love at all? What about straight guys who have one 'type' of woman they'd fall in love with, but another 'type' they just like having sex with; are they three-quarters-straight?!?

I'm bi, was married to a bi guy for a few years, have dated a few bi people over the years, and have plenty of friends who are bi too, and you wouldn't believe how many of them admit to feeling "not bi enough"; it always seems like there's one more standard we have to meet to fit the definition well enough. Quite a few of them now identify as queer instead, because there's always something else we're supposed to do or feel to be 'truly bi'. And IME, it's mostly monosexuals (straight or gay) setting those standards for us, rather than bi people being allowed to tell all the monos what our experiences of love and sexual attraction are like; we make the monos uncomfortable, so they find ways to say, 'no really, you're just like us after all, see!'

I don't know what your orientation is, and frankly it's none of my business, but it's not my job to tell other people what label they should use to describe their sexuality (or indeed, whether they should have to use a label at all), and it's not your job either.
 
^Everyone has their own definition for gay. Possible troll.

I don't understand why people have to hide inside like this. It transcends politics or philosophy altogether. If someone loves you then they won't care if you tell them you have fantasies about having sex with men.

There is no way to gauge her reaction. She will know your meaning in an instant. Try it.
 
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