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alcoholism thread

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i'm drinking half as much ..

[cos except one nite where i just drank to oblit, I've been high for .. ever is close enough].

any time I quit the illicit, I just end up drinking again. Which I never enjoy, as my lifelong allegiance lies with things I can't find on a shelf down the street.

I've completely abandoned and forgotten the concept of sobriety.
 
B9 said:
The very best of luck DarthMom. <3

Keep us updated with your progress I feel sure you'll do well and acheive your goals. :)
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that lasted a whole 30 hours or so :|

my doc won't prescribe antabuse, i want to find it online.
 
DarthMom said:
that lasted a whole 30 hours or so :|

my doc won't prescribe antabuse, i want to find it online.
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It's been going on 12 years since my last alcoholic beverage. Before that I spent a decade quitting, with periodic breaks ranging from a few weeks to almost a year. Here are a few things I noticed:

- I hit a stage where I couldn't drink without feeling guilty about it. This made getting sloshed a whole lot less fun: instead of a nice enjoyable buzz it made me feel dirty and weak. Once you get into that mindset (otherwise known as "12-Step Guilt"), you'll find booze a lot less appealing.

- You may well find yourself doing i.e. 10 months off the sauce and a couple months on. If that works for you, your health your family, your relationships and your professional life, that's great. I spent a good part of the 90s doing just that, until I decided the occasional binges were too risky and the return on my investment too low.

- I don't know much about Moderation Management, but you may also find that works well for you.

- I was on Antabuse briefly in 1984: it will definitely stop you from drinking, and it may be something you want to consider. (But be sure NOT to drink when you're taking it, or you'll seriously, seriously regret it. I never experienced the antabuse-alcohol reaction, but I've talked to a few people who did: it's extremely unpleasant and can be fatal).

However you handle your problem, good luck to you.
Best of luck.
 
thanks for the post kenaz. i really am not looking forward to the non drinking on wknds and at social events. i still want to fool myself into believing that would work for me.
 
DarthMom said:
thanks for the post kenaz. i really am not looking forward to the non drinking on wknds and at social events. i still want to fool myself into believing that would work for me.
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After a while you get into the habit of not-drinking; it takes a while and there is definitely some adjustment and frustration involved, but it works if you work with it.

(If you seriously want to give up drinking, you may want to check out an AA meeting in your area. I'm not a big 12-step fan personally, but I know lots of people who have gotten clean and sober by hanging around with Bill W. and his friends).
 
I'm an alcoholic.

Last year a very good friend of mine died from liver failure/blood poisoning.

He was diagnosed with cirrhosis of the liver and he knew he was going to die if he didn't stop drinking.

His mother worked at the jail where I would put money on my brothers books. When we would talk she explained that her son told her he knew he was going to die but when he didn't drink he was miserable. He drank until he died.

He was one of the nicest people I've ever met and a totally happy drunk. I don't remember ever seeing him sloppy falling over and he never got belligerent or had cry-baby drunk syndrome as we called it. He never had a bad word to say about anyone.

He was sick of life and he drank himself to death.
 
i've finally gotten my drinking under control, although not exactly sure where i need to get to.

i still have one beer a night, on the occasion two.

i'm getting my liver checked as i went through a bad habit of drinking heavily everyday (8-10 maybe more) throughout the day. i'm still young so i hope i haven't done any permanent damage.

i'm glad to not be killing myself like i was, and i've had slightly less of that "in a rut" feeling. i still get anxiety at night time but its nothing compared to what i got while drinking. which is actually why i began.

to anyone trying to quit, its worth it.

i used benzo's at first and tapered down, however i never let myself get a taste for benzo's recreationally before hand so there wasn't a huge risk in trading addictions.
 
I made it 80 hours without a drink... not too bad for a first attempt (that sounds kinda weak... but fuck it that is what I thought and that is what I'm going to say)

I think for a while I'm going to try very hard to contain my drinking, not flat out quit. Like the saying goes, all things in moderation, I guess.

If it turns out I can't contain it and it becomes a matter of all the time or never, it WILL be never, and you can count on that.

But well, I made it 3 days and it's back to kicking back in my favorite pair of silk boxers (those of you who have them know ;) ) with good tunes, drinking beers and surfing Bluelight.

Hey, at least I'm containing it to a 6 dollar 12 pack and not going to the bar and dropping 70 bucks on long islands lol.
 
I'm going to start with an apology, because this is a bit stream of consciousness rather than anything else. And I know you probably don't want to hear my self pity, but I need to tell somebody.



I've lied to everyone. My friends, my family, most of all myself. There has been absolutely no change over the past 4 years. Nothing is any different now than it was when I fucked it up in the first place. No matter how I try and justify it to myself, I have a fucking problem. There is no "just a quiet drink" anymore. Yeah, sure, I can have a couple of civilised pints every now and again, but for some reason that makes it ok in my own mind to go out and get wankered, do things that I really shouldn't - hurt people I love.



The stupid things is I've lost count of the number of times I've had this rant. It's getting ridiculous. I should have a premade sheet with it on, maybe with a little box on it to tick saying "This time I mean it".



I don't have any will power has been my excuse in the past. I don't think I actually tried to be fair. I just didn't give a fuck about anyone or anything. The foolish thing is that people seem to care about me and I throw it back in their faces with complete disdain. I don't know what I'm supposed to do. Somebody just help me. I can't do this alone. I've tried and tried again. I need religion or something. Problem is I don't believe it. I don't believe in anything. I have no actual opinion on life, I just am. I exist. There's not much more to it than that.



I begrudge those who have done better, complain that things aren't what they used to be, and fail to actually do anything about it. I run away from my problems. I attacked my fucking girlfriend. I am not a stable person when I am drunk. Why in fuck do I keep doing it? I enjoy the feeling? I certainly don't afterwards... The countless apologies, for fucking, fighting, failing...



I am better than this. I do not need this drug. I do not need it in my life. Why do I so persistently keep going back to it. What in hell is actually possessing me to stay on this track? The sheer incomprehension of it all astounds me. Why am I even in Newcastle. I'm running from my problems again. I need time. I need to sort my head out. I need... a drink?



Lets face it. Any sensible person would have kicked it by now. Pretty much every major fuck up of my "adult life" has been down to the excessive consumption of one substance or another. Managed to "stop smoking weed". Pfft. Like I don't smoke it except if someone else is. Or there's a joint going round. Or perhaps I fancy trying my rolling skills out. Again. It's not massive consumption, it just takes a little to make me complacent. Why do I really care so little about myself.



I can't ask everyone to bail me out of this situation. It just needs to stop. Completely. No casual pints, no afterwork drinks, no sly tinnies or lunchtime pints. My life style needs to change dramatically. It's one in the afternoon and I'm throwing up. There's another thing. I've actually taken to sticking my fingers down my throat in the mornings to get rid of the vile contents of my stomach. That's not normal. That's teen therapy type stuff. Maybe I'm just a late bloomer.



I'm an attrocious drunk. I was named Tom the bastard cos it was funny to begin with. Now people just think I'm a wanker. I don't think I'm gay. I think I'm just stupid. Bored. Only boring people get bored. When was the last time I actively went out my way to create something I didn't have to? When did I actually care? I don't even know if I was in love. I think it was just convenient. No. I was in love. I just was more in love with the moment. Fuck the consequences.



This needs to stop. It's not funny anymore. I've lost count of the number of times I've woken up in piss, vomit, alcohol. Gem did it once. Ho ho. Very amusing. I think I'm in excess of a hundred times. I was clearly not the jovial drunken type. If I don't stop soon, I'm going to turn into one of those old boring fuckers in the pub with nothing about them but an odor of stale sweat and booze.



I actually attacked my girlfriend.



What. The. Fuck.



In all honesty it was established many months ago that I was not the right person for gemma. But she, being the amazing person she is, dained to see if I would sort myself out. I fucked that one up didn't I. How many times can I admit I have a problem before it sinks in.



I can't keep working in a pub.



Smack addicts and nursing homes.



I got myself into this ridiculous situation. Now I've gotta get myself out of it. Methods. I need methods. I need a diary, some sort of way of rewarding myself if things go well. I need to stop being so completely obsessed with brief periods of enjoyment. See the bigger picture. Beyond this very convinient two dimensional world I've created for myself.



I'm going to turn in to a yo yo. The foolish thing is, it's most definitely not the place. It's me. I could be a genial person in Newcastle. I could go far in Cambridge. I just don't let myself. I need to be baby sat until I get it into my head.



I';m not as fucked up as I think. I just drink too much. Oh man, in your infinite wisdom that was a fucking understatement and a half.



This is another point, I think I'm probably on to something here. I wasn't fucked up. I had a perfectly happy life. I just created myself a problem so I could fit in. I did a VERY good job of creating that problem. A little too good I thnk.



Don't come off the rails was her parting words. Sorry babe. I kinda did.



There's no balance any more. My friends see it. They've changed. It needs to stop. I cant keep lying top everyone.l IO cant keep lying to everyoine I cant juep lying to everyonee abnw;oregwnkl



Where's the fucking switch.



moderation moderation moderation moderation doesn't work for me. Do or do not. There is no try. There is no spoon. There is no point./



I need my music. My art. I will prove to everyone I can still do this shit. It didn't all stop at 16. There was no epic off switch, and there will be no epic on switch either. Time is not actually a series of well defined events. There will be no epic point where everything changes for the better. There may well be no happy ending. But if I care enough there will be. I need to save what I have left. I must love and honour my parents. HONOUR MY PARENTS. Simple thing. Thy've fed me, clothed me, taught me well, blessed me with an admirable intelligence. I think I deserved it at one stage as well./ Fuck off TOm and puill that head out of your arse./



I have a good life. Stop stalling.



Everyone's getting sick of this shit, most of all yourself. You are not a scratched record. THere is a logical progression from this point. Stop stalling.



What will I be remembered for?



My epitaph at the minute would read like the school report I never got saying "Must try harder". They should do reports on my life. MUST TRY HARDER. MUST ACTUALLY SEE THE PROBLEM. MUST TRY AND GIVE A SHIT ABOUT SOMETHING OTHER THAN YOURSELF FOR ONCE>



But this is the best bit. THis has tro be selfish. BEcause eventually, it's myself who has to deal with it.



My



Go out and buy a diary.



Stop trying to fix everything with money.



Make it stop.



Make it stop.



Make it stop.



Sorry Gem.



I'm sorry again man. I'm running out of people to turn to.
 
I actually posted that before I read the whole thread. I think this is going to be my shoulder to lean on for the next few months, if that's OK with you guys.

I'd say day one without a drink but I had a can when I woke up. Fucksake. From this point onwards, it's Day 1 without a drink.
 
^^^

Good luck. We make some terrible mistakes cause of the stuff. You gotta stop working at a bar. When I worked at one it was okay to drink after it closed (it was a restaurant and a bar, so when we closing up we'd all pour ourselves some really really really stiff drinks). After I would finish I would walk home and smoke weed the whole walk home. Then I would walk into a house that had tons of booze and drugs. This was my daily routine. I would also always be at the bar, 5 to 7 nights a week. Even if it was for a drink or two, I just had to go there for some reason. I also had/have a nickname related to drinking. Its funny to hear nowadays, but its not me anymore. It was almost like an alter ego or something.

Thankfully I left that and moved home and got back in school. Now I'm almost done and have maintained a 3.5 gpa since. This was 3 years ago, and I graduate next semester. I still have the same friends and yeah I miss seeing them all the time, but I had to take some steps for me. I say steps because thats how I look at life. I take small steps towards success everyday. Everyday I go to class and do my work is a step for me. Its different for everyone. The majority of them have chilled out as well so its really cool.

A few years later, I don't "flare up" so bad. Still though sometimes I fuck up and build my tolerance up to a crazy amount. I only go out one night a week max, and thats becoming rare. I still can't drop the daily drinking though. If I do drink at home then I will not go out. If I want to go out then I won't drink till I get there. Sure it costs more, but at least I'm not wasted half of the day anymore. While I think its okay to have a pint or two, people in our situation really have to watch it. I will only drink when I have all of my work done. I will not allow myself to have a drink then do my work. Its good cause I get all of my work done and am then able to chill out for a few hours which is very important to me.

All in all best of luck friend, keep it up. If you do drink then get right back up and try again. If you feel like you need professional help then get it. I know AA isn't as big in the UK but I have seen it work. I'm not a big fan of it but I am a big fan of whatever works for a friend.

Prepare for the withdrawl as well. Alcohol withdrawl is fucking scary. Alcohol has been my hardest battle in a career filled with all sorts of habits. Thankfully I've noticed that as I mature, I am able to "fight" that side of me easier and more rationally.

Don't know what I'm trying to say really. The song below is totally not my style (I'm a Electronic and Hip-Hop fan), but the song really speaks to me.


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MVGgGW1ZalY
 
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Felixonapedestal said:
I actually posted that before I read the whole thread. I think this is going to be my shoulder to lean on for the next few months, if that's OK with you guys.

I'd say day one without a drink but I had a can when I woke up. Fucksake. From this point onwards, it's Day 1 without a drink.
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Good luck, your first post screams of frustration with yourself.

I can relate to that.

To me I feel that I know in my mind exactly what I do & do not want, then suddenly that feeling overpowers my mind and I do what I know I ought not.

The trick is in changing the way you feel.

There seem to be various avenues for accomplishing this.

Some work for some people & not for others.

Drinking is insidious & is clearly causing you problems.:|

So you could go to AA.....but are you ready to go that far, coz I often felt (still do TBH) that I would be admitting defeat...a weakness if you like.:\

Which is, of course, a contradiction in terms.

TBH when I have quit certain drugs it's been an instantaneous decision that came from the heart & not the head, and when it's been like that I haven't returned to using those subtances. However I seem to simply gravitate toward others instead.:|

Try the AA route, it cannot hurt to do so, tho if like me you feel a certain distaste for the idea then I would suggest it's probably an indication you really ought to force yourself to go ( me too, for that matter).

I sometimes wonder whose driving this vehicle that I travel this life in, everyone seems to think it is me, I often wonder about that.
 
^^^

Yeah like I said earlier give AA a shot. It may work for you. Keep in mind that you really have to be ready to admit

1. you are powerless over alcohol. That means you have zero control over alcohol.
2. You believe in a higher power. That means you believe in some sort of concept of god.

Later on in the steps is asking the higher power to remove all you "shortcomings".. essentially asking the said power to remove what is wrong with you.

In the US, all rehabs teach the 12 steps and state that if you are to be succesful then you must attend AA. Hell, our courts can order attendance at AA meetings.

It wasn't for me. Alot of people in the meetings I went to would state that church attendance is crucial for recovery. I don't think I am powerless over anything, how could I quit it otherwise. I'm an agnostic so the god concept for me is a challenge.

So give it a shot. It may work. I'd suggest going no matter how you feel once. Maybe it will click in person.
 
Thanks for the replies guys.

Everyone I've spoken to seems to agree that working in a bar isn't doing myself any favours. The need to pay off some debt is probably outweighed by the need to preserve my own health and mental stability.

I think I'll give the AA a try. It'll no doubt be an interesting learning experience if nothing else.
 
AA worked for me. Haven't had a drink in over 4 years. And I was pretty bad.

Go into it with an open mind. We've been where you are now so we understand how you're feeling and what you're going through. Listen and identify with what you hear. Try to follow the suggestions.

Don't worry about the God thing. I don't believe in a supernatural God or in religion. The natural universe is amazing enough without having to create a God to make it any more wondrous. This line from the Alcoholics Anonymous big book helped me realize that my Higher Power was within myself.

"With few exceptions our members find that they have tapped an unsuspected inner resource which they presently identify with their own conception of a Power greater than themselves."

There is help available if you want it. Good luck to you.
 
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