Alcoholism Thread v. A sober life is a good life <3

[bignbrown]

ended up drinking far too much yesterday, (vodka and wine) ended up blacking out then stealing from a shop, feel bad today and just hope to god i dont get an angry knock at my door .

 

[scottyboy421]

Dont beat yourself up for drinking again even if you've been away from it for few weeks, few months, few years. Sometimes our addiction, or habitual instincts get the better of us. Just pick up and move on from there. Remember, using that one time doesn't mean its square one, all it means is you took a wrong turn, now you gotta backtrack just a bit to get goin in the right direction again. Its human nature to slip up in anything now and then, totally normal. A battle lost, but the war rages on.

 

[n3ophy7e]

Naltrexone was originally used for opiate abusers but is found to be effective for alcoholics. It helps with the cravings and if you do drink on it, the euphoric feeling is not really there with this drug.

Hi songbird, firstly, welcome to the thread
I am really happy to hear that naltrexone helped you recover from alcoholism! I tried it as well, and I'm certainly not trying to take away from your positive experiences with it but I also wanted to share mine:

It didn't help. It barely reduced my cravings and I could easily still drink, BUT like you said I didn't have the euphoria. Yet I still drank through it till I was drunk anyway. Maybe I wasn't ready to quit, although at the time I thought I was. That was two years ago and I'm still drinking every day.

But like I said songbird, I am really glad that it helped you, and if anyone else in this thread has the opportunity to try it, it's worth a shot.


Every day brings me closer to seriously wanting to quit. Every 3 or 4 months I reach a point of desperation and want to go in to rehab. But then that phase passes and I manage to have a few days off drinking and feel good, but then eventually fall straight back in to drinking every day again.

2011 is going to be my year of long-distance running events. I ran my first half-marathon this year and it was one of the greatest achievements I can recall having. I've already literally planned out my running schedule up until the beginning of July (like, I've printed it out and stuck it on my wall and everything ) and I'm confident I can stick to it. A huge part of that will include drastically restricting my alcohol intake. I've purposefully planned my weekly long-runs for every Saturday, so that I can't drink on Friday nights and I won't feel like drinking on Saturday nights after a long run. Like I said I'm pretty confident I can do this. I want 2011 to be the year my drinking problem ends.

 

[blahman8000]

I would do anything for a beer right now...

The last couple nights I've only had one 40oz beer per night. Meaning I've just been walking around like a zombie wishing for alcohol. Even my dad made a joke that I always seem like I'm sleepwalking. I've been gathering coins from wherever I can find them so I can by small portions of beer at the store to get me through the day. I don't have a job and I don't go to school, I don't have anymore friends really. And anyway I don't want to see anyone. So I live like a nocturnal recluse. I'm actually rather pathetic these days. Whenever I wake up (which can be morning, afternoon, night, whenever), my first thought is how I'm gonna get booze today. My dad hides it wallet and his rolls of coins now.

I have a few ways of putting off cravings. Eating, for example. But there's hardly any food in the house. Caffeine used to be another but now it seems to trigger serious withdrawals. The third way is drinking ICE COLD water, or just chewing ice. Also, just browsing internet forums, constantly hitting refresh, seems to occupy my mind.

I'm at the end of my rope, and I still just don't want to quit drinking. There's occasionally an idealized version of sobriety in my head (health, employment, focus in school, actually FEELING again, respect, not acting like a jackass whenever I go out), but I was unhappy before I started drinking. And I've always had these extremely unpleasant, obsessive thoughts that only booze helps me forget about. It's like I've finally found a cure, and now it's just become another ailment.

I've learn to spread out my booze consumption when I have it, so I rarely get drunk nowadays. I'll buy a 40 of Natty (I know, gross, but only $2 a pop) and once every 15 or 20 minutes I'll take a good chug and then leave it and get back to what I'm doing. That small
bit of booze makes me feel a bit better. I suppose you could say that I'm being forced into a taper.

So, right, I haven't been drinking much lately. There's nothing to drink in the house. I have no money. It's 6:30 AM and I've been up all night. And I would do nearly anything for a nice tall sixpack.

I may have mentioned this here before, but I've had this idea that a great way to cut down is to only buy really good, expensive beer. No hard stuff, and no large quantities of cheap ice brew. Because the one thing I think I'd miss about alcohol if I were to quit entirely is really good beer. I have less alcohol than I would if I were buying cheap shit, and I would actually be able to thoroughly enjoy what I'm drinking at the same time. I've done this before and always regretted it after finishing the beer with no booze left, but that's because I drank it so fast. Now that I'm used to spreading out my drinking over the course of the day/night, maybe I can give it another shot...

 

[SubDude]

^ Hey man... that sounds like a sad existence. Please go and get some help! Have you ever been on anti-depressants or sedatives? I know it's replacing one drug with another but thats what we need sometimes. You could have some kind of neurosis or obsessive type illness. If I were you, I'd print out that post and tell a good doctor exactly what you said here.

good luck!!

 

[bluecrysis]

alcohol is my worst enemy

as my alcohol career advanced, i began to have black outs quite often. Sometimes i would black out after just a few beers. For some reason everytime i blacked out, something very bad would happen. And i was usually the cause of it. Its like my mind would erase any recollection of these negative events in order to protect me. how strange. sort of reminds me of the Butterfly Effect. i have several blank spots in my memory and i have to hear from others what happened. Glad to say my drinking days are over.

 

[blahman8000]

Not much happening in the alcoholism thread lately. Hope that that's a good thing.

Figured I'd update on how I'm doing. Been drinking less. My plan of buying good (expensive) beer in order to force myself to cut down by limiting my budget and alcohol supply has been working out. I've officially QUIT hard alcohol. I need to stick to that. To be honest, the thought of it makes me feel sick. I don't enjoy getting fucked up anymore. But ironically I'm still struggling to moderate. I think I'm learning, though.

Haven't been drunk in days. On Tuesday I didn't even have a sip of beer, and I felt alright. Mostly slept, though, and definitely wanted a beer. Yesterday I bought a six pack and drank slowly. Went to a friend's house with three left, had those, then grabbed a 40 at the liquor store nearby. Drank half of that, woke up a few hours ago and finished it. I'm craving but not like I was in my last post here.

The whole incentive behind my drinking seems to be changing, because even though I usually fail to moderate, the thought of being drunk isn't as appealing to me anymore. I'm so bored with it and I don't really get any euphoria out of it anymore. I enjoy the buzz and then I just guzzle way too much booze and it all goes to hell. I wind up acting like an idiot, blacking out, and occasionally puking.

Drinking less at night has allowed me to drink some caffeine during the day without having a panic attack, which is nice. I enjoy the caffeine, although I think it might trigger some degree of hypomania in me. Not sure. But I'm so happy I can consume caffeine. Much better for the morning than vodka, I'd say.

My goal is moderation.

 

[FreeThePod]

Not much happening in the alcoholism thread lately. Hope that that's a good thing.

Figured I'd update on how I'm doing. Been drinking less. My plan of buying good (expensive) beer in order to force myself to cut down by limiting my budget and alcohol supply has been working out. I've officially QUIT hard alcohol. I need to stick to that. To be honest, the thought of it makes me feel sick. I don't enjoy getting fucked up anymore. But ironically I'm still struggling to moderate. I think I'm learning, though.

Haven't been drunk in days. On Tuesday I didn't even have a sip of beer, and I felt alright. Mostly slept, though, and definitely wanted a beer. Yesterday I bought a six pack and drank slowly. Went to a friend's house with three left, had those, then grabbed a 40 at the liquor store nearby. Drank half of that, woke up a few hours ago and finished it. I'm craving but not like I was in my last post here.

The whole incentive behind my drinking seems to be changing, because even though I usually fail to moderate, the thought of being drunk isn't as appealing to me anymore. I'm so bored with it and I don't really get any euphoria out of it anymore. I enjoy the buzz and then I just guzzle way too much booze and it all goes to hell. I wind up acting like an idiot, blacking out, and occasionally puking.

Drinking less at night has allowed me to drink some caffeine during the day without having a panic attack, which is nice. I enjoy the caffeine, although I think it might trigger some degree of hypomania in me. Not sure. But I'm so happy I can consume caffeine. Much better for the morning than vodka, I'd say.

My goal is moderation.

Glad you're doing rather well .

I read your last post and was surprised how similar we are regarding school/work/drinking habits etc. At least you're not alone..

Anyways, I've managed to get good and shitty for the last 4 days.

A few days ago I was thinking to myself how long it had been since I had blacked out(months at least), then I believe the very next day I drink a bit too much and woke up with no memory of my last tall boy of Steel Reserve being drank, or passing out, etc. Felt like shit when I woke up, though eventually my hangover(basically consisting of a headache from dehydration) was solved with ~30oz of water and a baby Aspirin.

Rambling now but good luck to all that are trying to get this monkey off their backs.

 

[blahman8000]

Glad you're doing rather well .

I read your last post and was surprised how similar we are regarding school/work/drinking habits etc. At least you're not alone..

Anyways, I've managed to get good and shitty for the last 4 days.

A few days ago I was thinking to myself how long it had been since I had blacked out(months at least), then I believe the very next day I drink a bit too much and woke up with no memory of my last tall boy of Steel Reserve being drank, or passing out, etc. Felt like shit when I woke up, though eventually my hangover(basically consisting of a headache from dehydration) was solved with ~30oz of water and a baby Aspirin.

Rambling now but good luck to all that are trying to get this monkey off their backs.

Ahh, Steel Reserve. That's the type of stuff I'm making an effort to stay away from. Cheap beer, high ABV (8.1% I believe). They've got 40's of that stuff for $2.75 down the street.

 

[phactor]

Day 58 for me.

Things are not perfect but continue to get better. Going to at least one 12 step meeting a day. Going to do the 90 in 90 and then decide if I can cut back a meeting or two.

Still cannot say I will never drink again, but today I chose not to. That shit was just fucking up my life and I was spending way too much energy on trying to control it. Much easier to just stop.

Workouts are much much much better without any alcohol or drugs in the system. My thinking continues to clear up. Getting better and better everyday.

blahman - I haven't gotten drunk in quite some time, but I still had to drink because I was addicted. For me, it just wasn't worth it after awhile. At first it was great, but then I started to feel stuck. Right now I know if I drink then I will be drinking daily again again in no time and its just not worth it for me. I do not think that "normal" people have to put this much effort into controlling the drink.

 

[blahman8000]

Day 58 for me.

Things are not perfect but continue to get better. Going to at least one 12 step meeting a day. Going to do the 90 in 90 and then decide if I can cut back a meeting or two.

Still cannot say I will never drink again, but today I chose not to. That shit was just fucking up my life and I was spending way too much energy on trying to control it. Much easier to just stop.

Workouts are much much much better without any alcohol or drugs in the system. My thinking continues to clear up. Getting better and better everyday.

blahman - I haven't gotten drunk in quite some time, but I still had to drink because I was addicted. For me, it just wasn't worth it after awhile. At first it was great, but then I started to feel stuck. Right now I know if I drink then I will be drinking daily again again in no time and its just not worth it for me. I do not think that "normal" people have to put this much effort into controlling the drink.

Hey, I hear ya. I'm beginning to feel the same way. I'm not even such a big fan of being drunk anymore. It never ends up being worth it when I'm hungover and broke. And then of course the NEED to drink. Not the real desire just to have fun, but the need.

 

[Cyc]

Going 4 or 5 days in a row with the hard liquor is starting to take its toll. Last week I took a 3 day break and the first 2 days I felt like a train that's grinding to a halt; teeth grinding, shuddering, feeling the need to focus hard on something, and an oral fixation that usually leads to unnecessary caloric intake. Not to mention the digestive and urinary issues. By day 3 I began feeling normal again.. and then Friday hit and it begins again.

So after day 3 of hard drinking, I slept 4 hours last night and I need to put in a day's work. I would give anything to be able to pass back out for a few hours, because I know that while I'm not drunk, I'm not dry either. I'm coasting on last night's consumption, and sometime during the day I'm going to crash and feel exhausted and shitty.

Then I'll come home and it will take constant will power to focus my energies elsewhere and study for my exam.

That's where my day is heading. Lord, I wish I could view alcohol the way I did 5 years ago.

 

[blahman8000]

Going 4 or 5 days in a row with the hard liquor is starting to take its toll. Last week I took a 3 day break and the first 2 days I felt like a train that's grinding to a halt; teeth grinding, shuddering, feeling the need to focus hard on something, and an oral fixation that usually leads to unnecessary caloric intake. Not to mention the digestive and urinary issues. By day 3 I began feeling normal again.. and then Friday hit and it begins again.

I've actually been thinking that oral fixation has a lot to do with my alcoholism. I do enjoy the act of drinking more than I enjoy the resulting effect.

 

[Cyc]

I've actually been thinking that oral fixation has a lot to do with my alcoholism. I do enjoy the act of drinking more than I enjoy the resulting effect.

The worst thing is that, as a non-smoker (or should say former smoker), is the only thing that can really do the trick is extremely hot or cold beverages, or very spicy food.

 

[n3ophy7e]

Last week I took a 3 day break and the first 2 days I felt like a train that's grinding to a halt; teeth grinding, shuddering, feeling the need to focus hard on something, and an oral fixation that usually leads to unnecessary caloric intake. Not to mention the digestive and urinary issues. By day 3 I began feeling normal again.. and then Friday hit and it begins again.

Ummm, are we the same person?? Man, this is like my exact cycle.
Except that I haven't had an alcohol-free day for about 4 months.....


I've just been looking up AA meetings in my area, and there's one starting in 20 minutes 2 suburbs away. I've been sitting here for about 15 minutes just trying to psyche myself up to get in the car and go. But I've already had a few drinks so I shouldn't drive. I feel ready to go to a meeting and to face this, but maybe now isn't the right time.

Plus....I am so fucking scared. I am just really really scared. I'm scared of dealing with my drinking problem and I'm scared of a life without alcohol. I can deal with how hard it's going to be physically and in terms of the habit, but I honestly don't know who I am as a person without alcohol. It's like I'm going to have to start from scratch.


For me, my first meeting is not going to be about what I learn, it's more a symbolic thing to represent that I am actively doing something about my problem.

Does anyone in this thread have any experiences from their first AA meeting (or equivalent) to share?

 

[belarki]

...
Plus....I am so fucking scared. I am just really really scared. I'm scared of dealing with my drinking problem and I'm scared of a life without alcohol. ...

I'm with you cyc and n3o. I've had 2 days without alcohol so far this year I get the oral fixation thing too when trying to cut back which all the more devastating for someone with an ED. Definitely tied in with anxiety & depression for me; unfortunately the notion of not having a drink waiting at home each evening is enough to just about induce a panic attack at the moment.

Workouts are much much much better without any alcohol or drugs in the system. My thinking continues to clear up. Getting better and better everyday....

Good to hear, that's a real inspiration. Hitting the gym and having training sessions have really made an impact for me too in terms of physical and mental health in the last couple of years. I just have to work on staying clean and sober the rest of the time...

 

[Deleted member 170540]

I've been developing some alcohol problem in the last year. Last summer, I had the routine of getting shitface drunk one day, then being sober for two days, and in the third day getting shitface drunk again, etc.

During the fall, I haven't gotten heavily drunk as often, but I've needed about six beers almost every night to keep my nerves in control. When I've had more money than usual, I've sometimes been drunk for three days straight though...

I currently live with my father, because I can't hold a job because of my mental problems. My father is an alcoholic, and he has been an alcoholic for 30 years. We drink together, and he's a real pain in the ass because after as little as 3 beers he starts to behave very bizarrely, making strange noises like some animal, and he's violent sometimes(he's over 60 so he's much weaker than me, so I am fortunately able to restrain him when that happens).

I also have Asperger's syndrome, which partly explains my dependency of my parents, even when I'm 28 years old. I have no friends except on the net. I have met other people with AS on BL, but I've exchanged only a few messages with them.

I hope I don't destroy my brain with alcohol, as I want to become a scientist... A couple of months ago, I went to an exam on advanced quantum mechanics while having a hangover. My hands were shaking and I had difficulty writing, but I still scored a surprisingly good 18 points out of 24 in the test. The final exam is next friday, and I hope I can control the urge and not drink on thursday...

My cousin, who's 1 year younger than me, just asked me to be her friend on Facebook.I only had 4 Facebook friends before that. She's deeply religious(christian), and she'd be shocked if she knew how much alcohol I drink, and especially if she knew that I chat with users of hard drugs on the net(here on BL)

I'm sorry if I don't make any sense, because I don't speak native English(I'm from Finland). I definitely think I'm developing an alcohol problem, so I decided to write about it here.

 

[blahman8000]

The worst thing is that, as a non-smoker (or should say former smoker), is the only thing that can really do the trick is extremely hot or cold beverages, or very spicy food.

Same exact thing here. Carbonation helps with the drinks, too. Normally when I don't have beer, I drink ice cold water, or if I have money (even though I normally spend it on beer), I get the Veggie Delite at Subway with all the veggies and all the peppers and jalapeños.

 

[Cyc]

I've also been known to get the veggie delite with lots of hot peppers and sub sauce.

Small world.

 

[SubDude]

I hear you guys loud and clear. I've always liked alcohol but have kept it on the back burner with methadone maintenance. Now that I've switched to suboxone and got down to .5mg I'm able to "enjoy" the booze again. been on pretty much a daily binge for @ 3-4mos. I try and rationalize it by not drinking until about 5pm and only drinking about a 1/2 pint and then eating. The rest of the night isn't very good but tolerable. I know it's not worth it but gives some variety to life.... Thats pretty pathetic.