I've been very suicidal the last few weeks - before that if you saw my posts, they were nothing but positive. Since then, Ive OD'd for my 5th time last week, and have had a lot of trouble with my opiate use, it really bothers me, feel very week - I lined up a way off relatively pain free and hope to get back to the 8 months of living clean. Luckily I have plenty of goals (boxing fight, and lifting contest) to prep for so I have to be sober otherwise .. fuck it. lol.
I haven't been on the forum lately, so I have missed it. But I'm very sorry to hear that. I know you experienced some very traumatic abuse as a child. Many people do not understand how much of an impact it has on a person as an adult.
I myself am realizing that I had a pretty shitty childhood, that included extreme emotional abuse and physical abuse. I had no idea (just like I had no idea how addicted I truly was). My abuse wasn't intentional, but it was very bad. I was convinced that my caretakers hated me as a person and only loved me because I was their child. I was convinced of this from as early as I can remember. I also thought that I was mentally handicapped and not being told. Again, I was completely convinced this was true. My mother often compared me to her most hated person (an uncle of mine) and frequently told me she was going to leave me to live somewhere else. I still have severe abandonment issues to this day, why I chose to work in foster care for two years is beyond my understanding at this point. Maybe I was trying to pay penance.
It has had to be pointed out to me piece by piece by my counselor. I was protecting my childhood and idealizing it for many reasons. It has been quite the mindfuck. It seems that I am having mindbreaking moments every other day. I have basically blocked out my childhood and am remember both good and bad things everyday. Some of these realizations have reduced me to sobbing fits, but it is something that has to be done. I can finally look at people in the eyes now, I don't feel as much shame and its very easy for me to actually connect to people now. I have always loved talking and meeting people though. I am very good at "putting myself in someone elses shoes", problem is that I was hiding from my own feelings. The hardest thing for me to realize is that it was not my fault. I still often feel like I should have been treated that way because I considered myself "difficult". I was often told that I (not my behavior) made my caretakers angry and or sad.
Sorry for rambling everyone, this is therapeutic for me.
Anyways I am back in Chicago at my apartment, the power is off for whatever reason so I am in the lounge. I checked the fuses and they look fine. No big deal though, I can wait till tomorrow.
Also going to do some service work with my sponsor. I have to call him daily and go to at least one meeting daily. No excuses. This hasn't been a problem for me, but I know I will need his intensity at some point.
Getting ready to go to a young persons big book study tonight. Will probably stop at the store on the way home. I was really big into pairing food and cheese with my drinkers (and damn good at it), so I am learning to enjoy without it. I am really looking forward to the walk. If it gets too cold then I can take the bus back.
Enjoying the Bears game as well. I am a total fanatic in regards to sports, especially Hockey and Baseball. Sports were a trigger for me at one point, but now its no problem.
i can't wait for my key chain lol.
. I have my next three meetings planned. I usually do two on Tuesday.
![:\](https://bluelight.org/xf/BL_Images/Orig_Emoji/wrygrin.gif "wry grin :\")
and am very stoned right now as well as the beers. Me Sucks
Can't use Naltrexone because I still need the pain killers for pain. It sucks, but at least I am still off the booze. it really screwed up my life. I feel so much healthier since I quit drinking and I am much happier. Hang in there everyone!
