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Alcoholism Thread v. A sober life is a good life <3

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I had roughly 4 standard drinks in the month of April (a shot, half of a Long-Island and two beers total). And despite my opiate habit unquestionably getting worse, I feel so much better physically after 4-6 weeks of essentially being sober. The little things - being able to eat, sleep and focus better - mean a lot, and I don't miss the hangovers, anxiety or the bad choices at all. Again, I'm not out of the woods yet since I've been doing enough H to not really have been thinking much about wanting to drink, but it's still kinda cool to see how much less I drink these days. It sure has been a while since I woke up regretting the previous night!

Keep up the wills, everyone. If I was able to get through my problem, you can too. Alcohol's a terrible drug in so many ways, and being away from it even for a few weeks really has given that some perspective.
 
be careful with the dope RL, a habit can sneak up on you.. congratulations on being mostly alcohol free! I feel a million times better physically when I'm not drinking as well.
 
Either I'm very lucky, or the other shoe has not fallen yet. I actually slept with no alcohol in my stem for the first night in several years. It was not pleasant sleep, very restless, but it was mostly sleep. I feel bad in a non-hangoverish way. Part of me feels better. All of me is (tentatively) relieved.
 
i feel so tensed up, muscles are so tight and legs are so restless in bed i hate the anxiety from booze (and also gbl binge).

My withdrawals are mild as in i dont require medical attention, but they are still extremely unpleasant.
 
Got through another night, this time with the help of more Ativan than I really wanted to take. Woke up groggy from that, not quite there. The difference between this and a hangover is that I will eventually taper the benzos. I might even be able to start that by the end of the week.

I'm in transition. I don't expect it to be nice, but it is turning out better than expected.

I'm a pretty functional drunk, though. Never a sip between waking and 5:30pm. Then solid drinking from then to bedtime. I think the 19-hour gap gave me a head start that a lot of others on the board don't have. I mean, all I had to do was skip one evening and I was already 24 hours sober. I suspect that's helping.

The next night -- last night -- was harder. Tonight: we'll see.
 
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Miskatonic said:
Got through another night, this time with the help of more Ativan than I really wanted to take. Woke up groggy from that, not quite there. The difference between this and a hangover is that I will eventually taper the benzos. I might even be able to start that by the end of the week.

I'm in transition. I don't expect it to be nice, but it is turning out better than expected.

I'm a pretty functional drunk, though. Never a sip between waking and 5:30pm. Then solid drinking from then to bedtime. I think the 19-hour gap gave me a head start that a lot of others on the board don't have. I mean, all I had to do was skip one evening and I was already 24 hours sober. I suspect that's helping.

The next night -- last night -- was harder. Tonight: we'll see.
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I hear you bro but I try to wait till 6pm and limit to 8-10 oz of vodka then [if I'm not out] eat and watch TV and eventually take sleep pill. It's working for now but will be interested to see next liver enzyme test... being that I had/have marginal hep C... shows + sometimes and others -
 
I'm sober now and I'm happy about that. It's been a little over 2 months. I was almost 6 months sober and then I relapsed on Valium and booze and ended up being detoxed, baker acted, then baker acted again, then back to detox, all in a matter of 10 days. So sober is the only way for me.
 
Thanks to all.

Another night, better still. I cut 1mg out of the Ativan dose and slept straight through.

Fighting off the urge at the usual time was a bitch, though, worst so far. I don't see that getting fixed anytime soon. But I knew that going in, didn't I?

I was very snippy around the family, to boot. This always runs the danger of interpreting my problem as their problems. CBT taught me that much, anyway, and I find it better just to hole up while I work through the shit. I don't think I'm running away from anything. More like staying out of the sun while I have a wicked sunburn.

Does it need to be said on this board that I understand there are folks in deeper shit than I am, and I respect your efforts, even when they don't always work?

OTOH, I can speak from experience that an after-work alcoholic is still an alcoholic. My marriage is in the crapper, my bipolar is made worse by drink, my concentration sucks, and nights when I've had more than the usual, I wake up with panic attacks.

I say all that in case someone surfing out there is thinking about himself/herself, "How could I be an alcoholic? I hold down a steady job, and I only drink in the evenings and on weekends." Yeah. But is it every evening? Every weekend? Do you stock up so you can be absolutely covered when the liquor store is closed? Have you gotten so accustomed to buying half-gallon bottles that it no longer seems strange? Just like me, you might have a problem.

(It has been noticed that I am a college professor. Please don't think I'm checking your English when I read your posts. That is totally my thing.)
 
Slowly but surely mate,an addicgion that took 20 years to develop is not going to subside in a couple of weeks.. But you going really welk by tne sound of things.cutting thd meds is real good.. The next challenge will be work mixed in with your progress..

I had a member tell me that my addiction/drug use is a symptom of a single, or a number of underlying problems.. For me i believe its a form of mental illness that im battling witn,perhaps a number of them. It could be the years of abuse ive put my mind and body through.

Be good to the wife.let her know what your going through.the snappy outbursts are hard to stop.pending if your a hot head to begin with. Just leave the situatiin if you feel it coming on

Wear some sunscreen mate,its a good invention.lol.was it the gardening that got you.

Gav
 
Oh, I know it. And really, I've been addicted to this or that going on 34 years (since I was 14). The out and out stupidest thing I ever did was start drinking again after 4 years not. I've mentioned my mood disorders? Got a bunch of treatment, including meds. Changed to a less ambitious career path. Moved. Felt really great. So great I thought I'd get off my meds. This was at the time a goal for people with "normal" depression/anxiety.

It took several years to realize I was spiraling. During which time, still thinking I'd gotten control of my issues, not realizing it was BP (which cannot be cured, so they say), I figured, I can drink again. I'll just keep it under control. (Sound of laughter offstage.)

When the BP crashed again, I did not assume it was drink related. And maybe it wasn't. But now I know I've only made it worse.

I don't expect a quick solution. Right now, I'm just happy I seem to have escaped DT's and all that shit.

--

Gav, what you're talking about I think is self-medicating. I think a lot of us get started that way. The problem is that most medicines come with a price, whether its other/worse symptoms, law-breaking, mucho money . . . even the legal shit can be a problem. Ask any honest doctor who doesn't have an agenda: we barely understand this shit.
 
i just re read your first post tonight and im a feel like im mentally as slow as a dying cow regarding the sunburn comment,tho the sunscreen could be a (sir,whats that word?? Metafor-lol-is it?) for youf meds.. Hope you undwrstand what i mean.i fuckwd up and thought u actually got sunburnt( sounds of laughter at me not with me online)

Mate you mension change to less ambitious career path..what were you going to be before??

The spiralling is hard to see from our own eyes.im seeing what im doing to myself,but still manage to justify what im doing. Even tonight, because i had a 12 hour day @ work i figured i deserved a treat. Theres always an excuse...

I think its something ill battle for life.be it alcohol,meth,coke,mdma. Ive always had one in my life.. The drinking is quite bad toi actually but i see it taking a back seat to the stims.

Ive always self medicated. Psychologist atm szys its hard to diagnose anything as im always coming down when i see him,sometimes high.

I think alot of docs hand out ssri's in a elimination manner,where they sample a heap of meds to find the condition.. The self medicating im doing is going nowhere,but helps me through life.. Which is heading,or almost there to being a misserable one.
 
Jeez, Gav. The mind fills with all sorts of comforting cliches.

My career. In the US, we have 3 tiers of colleges. The lowest of these is the community college, which leads to 2-year degrees. Career prep or prep to transfer to a baccalaureate school. When I got hired, you only needed a master's degree for that. (The economy's changed that, but the rule is still on the books.) Then you have 4-year baccalaureate colleges, usually private. Students can get a BS or BA. Almost all professors there have a PhD. They mostly teach, but might do a little research on the side. Universities offer baccalaureate degrees up through PhD's. You need a PhD to work there, and the bigger the place, the less teaching you do, and the more research. Also the most money, and sometimes even prestige.

As a graduate student I was one of those rising stars. Perfect grades, etc. All my profs assumed I'd go into research. I thought so too. But the thought of competing for it drove me nuts. By day I was a library rat. At home, when I wasn't typing, I drank myself numb. I'd never been a whole person, not really, but one day it all fell apart.

6 months of therapy later, I realized I didn't have to stay on that path. The MA I'd already earned would get me a job teaching community college. So that's what I've been doing for 19 years. It's steady, and I have more job security than most folks in this economy, so I'm grateful for that. I think of going back, starting over on my degree, but I literally get that library smell up my nose, and the jim-jams flood my stomach. Anyway, research in English literature is a waste of time. An author named John Gardner (heard of him?) once wrote that it's all mostly fine to analyze the hairs on an elephant's trunk. But it's obscene to keep doing it when the elephant's standing on a baby.

I tell myself teaching's more useful. I'll put off judgment till I get myself cleaned up.

There are voices in my head (metaphorical ones) that mix lies with truth. Yours too? Sometimes they shout out genuine warnings. Get outta there, dude, the roof's caving in! More often they lie, and the places they cut are always the most vulnerable. I suck at my job. My daughter doesn't love me. She'd be better off if I were dead.

It's hard to tell the difference.

These are the voices I hear when I cannot sleep, when the booze actually wakes me up.

Your shrink is right. A guy on stims cannot be distinguished from a schizophrenic. You gotta diagnose the guy who's hiding behind the stims. And you can't even find that guy till he's been clean for a while.

I'm not telling you what to do. Just that I get it. Sort of.
 
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Good Evening miskatonic,

From what i figure your happy with your job and the sattisfaction you get from teaching,and the opportunity to get your pHD will always be there, and very pheasable when sober.Im not much of a scholar so i wont feed into it to much..i only want to learn when its of interest to me..ie : composites.

My ex has her masters in education,is that what u have?? She teachers special ed. Mostly autistic and kids with severe adhd..Then she would come home and deal w me.,basically work overtime.

About todays post mate,you didnt mention how your 3rd night went.Hope you stuck it out sober.its only going to get better from here.

I get those voices too,its the doubt and uncertain issues of your head questioning your heart, I often silence them with stims and then alcohol when the drugs wear of.

Im sure your daughter,and your wife both love you dearly,use them as motivation when things are looking grim. Are they aware that your giving up the drink.. I do remember you saying that youd rather stay clear than have them cop the brunt of things .i just did some maths,your daughter could be my age.

Ive been asessed by a psych for mental illness' , its add/adhd im suspecting.. Sufferers often have super addictive personalities.. And the stims give me clearity more so than a high..unless @ large doses..

The yatd must be looking good by now..or u given up on the green thumb..how long since you smoked weed? u probably dont enjoy sativa strains because
of the head stone that can make you anxious,but indica is more of a end of day,couchlock high..but the smoke nowdays is heavy..

Keep me informed mate on whats happening,no matter what it is,ill check here,pm you when needed.and you have my email if you dont want to post it

ALL the best..
 
I thought I did mention 3rd night? Whatever. Night 1 was Sunday (USA-time). That makes Night 3 Wednesday and Night 4 last night.

I'm happy to say 3-4 went very well. I'm waking up groggy still, so I'm clearly over-sedating to get myself to sleep. Tonight I will try less.

Better still, the cravings are much lower. I doubt the temptation will go away, but at least yesterday I did not stare at the clock and think, "I'm due for one now."

Other readers be aware: I am swapping 2mg Atvan/lorazepam for my drink, and I'm sure that's helping a lot. In fact, I don't think I'd have had the courage to make the change without that. Something to keep in mind if you want to go it alone.

Gav, actually my daughter's just 14. I married at 25 and held off on kids till I was 30-something. She does know what's going on, but I don't think she get's it, not really.

We're quiet about feelings in my family. My wife and I both come from families like that. Not coincidentally, we come from strange families, and there is history of mental shit everywhere you look. My own dad was an alcoholic who managed to kick it when he was a few years younger than I am now. It was hard for him, though. For one, my folks divorced a little after that. I think it was one of those, "Oh, the problem turns out not to have been the drink after all! Sorry about that." Then a year or so later, he attempted suicide and ended up in a "facility" for 6 months or so.

Should I have seen I was/am on the same railroad? Abso-fucking-lutely. Genetics aren't destiny, but they give you a good lay of the land all the same. And yet that mistress on the edge of the wood, with the wind blowing through her hair -- she seems so lovely, doesn't she?

Pot, yes, I've read about the different chemical balance in the different strains. 30 years ago that was not an issue. Whenever I visit my sister, she has plenty of the mellow kind, and I'm happy to join her. Where I live I have a serious connection problem. 1. the local population is EXTREMELY religious. They abstain from damned near everything, coffee included. 2. The community is small, so if you're not careful, everyone knows what you're doing. 3. My most likely contacts are, no surprise, my own students. Not exactly a good idea, though I have from time to time looked up that avenue. Getting caught would be a career killer, though. So with of that, if I do get a connection, it's a bit hard to say, "Oh, yeah, can I check your menu first?" More like, "Yes sir, I'll eat my pudding and shut up, yes sir."

I could also develop a serious pot habit if I'm not careful. Been there before, too. You're into stims, so I don't know if you've ever seen a stoner scraping all the tar and shit out of his bongs and pipes, right down to the charcoal, in order to scam a few hits. From the outside, it's pretty comical. Anyway, I don't want to be that guy again.

Thanks for being here still.
 
been there,done that

Miskatonic said:
I thought I did mention 3rd night? Whatever. Night 1 was Sunday (USA-time). That makes Night 3 Wednesday and Night 4 last night.

I'm happy to say 3-4 went very well. I'm waking up groggy still, so I'm clearly over-sedating to get myself to sleep. Tonight I will try less.

Better still, the cravings are much lower. I doubt the temptation will go away, but at least yesterday I did not stare at the clock and think, "I'm due for one now."

Other readers be aware: I am swapping 2mg Atvan/lorazepam for my drink, and I'm sure that's helping a lot. In fact, I don't think I'd have had the courage to make the change without that. Something to keep in mind if you want to go it alone.

Gav, actually my daughter's just 14. I married at 25 and held off on kids till I was 30-something. She does know what's going on, but I don't think she get's it, not really.

We're quiet about feelings in my family. My wife and I both come from families like that. Not coincidentally, we come from strange families, and there is history of mental shit everywhere you look. My own dad was an alcoholic who managed to kick it when he was a few years younger than I am now. It was hard for him, though. For one, my folks divorced a little after that. I think it was one of those, "Oh, the problem turns out not to have been the drink after all! Sorry about that." Then a year or so later, he attempted suicide and ended up in a "facility" for 6 months or so.

Should I have seen I was/am on the same railroad? Abso-fucking-lutely. Genetics aren't destiny, but they give you a good lay of the land all the same. And yet that mistress on the edge of the wood, with the wind blowing through her hair -- she seems so lovely, doesn't she?

Pot, yes, I've read about the different chemical balance in the different strains. 30 years ago that was not an issue. Whenever I visit my sister, she has plenty of the mellow kind, and I'm happy to join her. Where I live I have a serious connection problem. 1. the local population is EXTREMELY religious. They abstain from damned near everything, coffee included. 2. The community is small, so if you're not careful, everyone knows what you're doing. 3. My most likely contacts are, no surprise, my own students. Not exactly a good idea, though I have from time to time looked up that avenue. Getting caught would be a career killer, though. So with of that, if I do get a connection, it's a bit hard to say, "Oh, yeah, can I check your menu first?" More like, "Yes sir, I'll eat my pudding and shut up, yes sir."

I could also develop a serious pot habit if I'm not careful. Been there before, too. You're into stims, so I don't know if you've ever seen a stoner scraping all the tar and shit out of his bongs and pipes, right down to the charcoal, in order to scam a few hits. From the outside, it's pretty comical. Anyway, I don't want to be that guy again.

Thanks for being here still.
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Hey mate,good to hear your still going well, the nights
start milling into one when i stay up so i missed a day..by the time u read this you will have the 5 night without alcohol..good shit.
Im not sure if any 14 year old likes there parents...somehow i did,but only because they were'nt there..

Id rather miss out on the weed in your case..way too
risky..vacuum pack a brick when at your sisters..best option i can see. I am intio stims,and well. To be honest i think giving up weed triggered my coke,mdma and meth use..alcohol never left,stuck on my back from go to woh.I smoked daily from 13/14 - 24.. A good decade..now i do a bit of indoor horticulture..,but its a hobbie really.Maybe u could try that.?

As for the poor mans hash,its fucken terrible. Yet i have done that countless times.even filter water through a stocking,scrape and dry..then hours later i'd find 1/4 pounds i'd hidden through-out the house.thats the weed memory.

Keep doing what your doing.its working well.id becrease the lorazapam slowly.try get another bottle if u can.

Stay in touch professor..look forward to a chat with you.lol
 
Gav:

Yeah, I felt groggy all day yesterday, so I felt safe trying to back off the lorazapam. Just a mg., but it was still too much all at once. Live and learn. I think even in detox they take a few days finding just the right dose, and also the right times of day.

Anyway, I'm alive, straight, and not a snake in sight. I'm going to go ahead and put that side of things out of my mind.

Speaking of detox, do you hear much in Oz about that twit Lindsay Lohan? She's sort of a "Mel Gibson goes Gidget," if you get the reference. Makes the rest of us look pretty good by comparison.

How are you doing, anyway? Sometimes you sound very despairing.
 
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I'm almost scared of turning 21 (two days), because my alcoholic tendencies are so obvious. Plus my grandfather died less than a week ago so I'm liable to further self-medication under the guise of celebration. Fuck, I must be on a dozen pills as it is. Strangely enough, alcohol is FAR from my preferred selection of abused substances. Yet I just cannot stop myself from drinking the entire bottle regardless of circumstance ("just a shot or two for anxiety around a casual small group" leading to getting completely hammered).
 
MISKATONIC-i get the reference.. Us aussies might be far away but the news travels fast..

Lucky my life isnt in the limelight,make lidsys look like mother teresa's. It would make a good story tho.

Im going ok.. Heavy abuse still continueing. Coming to grips w being single again.its been 6 years..so ive got to fine tune my womanising skills. Gone are the days of good mdma pills, that would give you the confidence of ten men.

Just stupid shit like coming home to an empty apartment,cooking dinner for one.(doesnt happen much) i have a heap of friends,but i seem to want to be alone..

I'll come good,enjoying seeing your progress.mine will come soon.

You back at work or are holidays on?

Stay strong mate,dont look back. GAv
 
familiar place

Cloudburst said:
I'm almost scared of turning 21 (two days), because my alcoholic tendencies are so obvious. Plus my grandfather died less than a week ago so I'm liable to further self-medication under the guise of celebration. Fuck, I must be on a dozen pills as it is. Strangely enough, alcohol is FAR from my preferred selection of abused substances. Yet I just cannot stop myself from drinking the entire bottle regardless of circumstance ("just a shot or two for anxiety around a casual small group" leading to getting completely hammered).
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hi there,

happy b'day mate.. Its easy at that age to sweep alcoholism under the carpet as the partying takes over life.. I too have the same trouble as you,heavy stims use along with and followed by drinking binges where im not really affected physically.

I can have 2 maybe 3 drinks when sober of drugs,but then its the finest line possible between getting over excited and drinking 700-1125 mls of whiskey..followed by alcohol poisoning. Ive gotten so good at throwing uo that it doesnt even fase me..the next day i'll chug cold water then induce vomiting to clear the stomach bial,and feel good for 1 hour,then repeat..5-15 times.

Sorry to hear about your pop..try to take it easy on your b'day..but have your fun.

Good luck,your only young..the worlds your oyster-- and your the pearl.dont let the drink and drugs overpower that.gavaton
 
Cloudburst said:
I'm almost scared of turning 21 (two days), because my alcoholic tendencies are so obvious. Plus my grandfather died less than a week ago so I'm liable to further self-medication under the guise of celebration. Fuck, I must be on a dozen pills as it is. Strangely enough, alcohol is FAR from my preferred selection of abused substances. Yet I just cannot stop myself from drinking the entire bottle regardless of circumstance ("just a shot or two for anxiety around a casual small group" leading to getting completely hammered).
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if i feel fear about something, that usually a positive indicator that i am taking the situation seriously. leaving it at that can be 'safer' you know, until you are in a better place to go further into these feelings, turning them into thoughts.
 
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