Alcoholism Discussion Thread Version 7.0

[DrinksWithEvil]

I'm a heroin and alchy....

Alcohol is by far worse than heroin. I've drank on My hepc liver for a good 7 years ...booze is so hard because it's everywhere and cheap ....and booze leads to other things

 

[Moreaux]

Thanks Moreaux. I appreciate that!! Means a lot. It's not easy to tackle the 3 headed beast of addiction, mental health, and physical health. I'm not perfect. I still smoke cigs. I haven't deprived myself of everything just yet. You're sit is tough. Just hang tough my man. Drs will dismiss drinking in a sec. It's crazy. They did it to me too. Just hang tough. Whatever the outcome, you have people around you, including me and bl. Not knowing sucks. Fortunately I didn't have to wait I found out right away. This bag is just...crazy. Lots of adjustment. I look at it sometimes and ask, was it worth it Mike? No is the answer. Look man you'll be in my thoughts and please PM me and keep me posted on your condition. You be alright buddy. Take care

I really do appreciate it! Your words mean a lot!

I'm a heroin and alchy....

Alcohol is by far worse than heroin. I've drank on My hepc liver for a good 7 years ...booze is so hard because it's everywhere and cheap ....and booze leads to other things

Booze is everywhere. In my city the grocery stores usually have someone in the lobby or the main aisle in front of the booze section offering samples. Because it's a beach town everyone parties and it's just constantly in your face. Hell, it's literally in my backyard from 8 until sundown because I live on a golf course. The concession girls will sell stuff to homeowners. I knew I had to get Vivitrol before I left rehab, and stay on it for months, to not cave. There's a guy who takes the cart path to work in the morning, he drives a golf cart...I have lost count how many times I'm leaving for work and have to stop for him because he's in the middle of the road drinking a beer. Being on Vivitrol really helped me get desensitized to seeing it everywhere. I can honestly say I have no desire anymore, and it doesn't bother me. I never thought I would get to that point.

 

[Jabberwocky]

Haven't posted here in a long time. Eh wish I could say I've quit drinking but I haven't, if anything things have gotten worse some what. Am now not working and relying on booze to bring happiness to my day which of course then becomes a fake reality.

I've had issues with depression and anxiety my whole life but know at some stages in life I sure as hell didn't treat my pain with booze, maybe I'd cry and that's fair enough but never drinking. It just seems as the demand for what and who you are meant to be as you get older seems to be out of reach for me the more I try to chase for it and so drinking fills the void.

I'm 31 now and can say if any 20 something year olds are reading this, quit now whilst you're ahead as it doesn't get better. Your life becomes more empty and dull.

 

[DrinksWithEvil]

I really do appreciate it! Your words mean a lot!




Booze is everywhere. In my city the grocery stores usually have someone in the lobby or the main aisle in front of the booze section offering samples. Because it's a beach town everyone parties and it's just constantly in your face. Hell, it's literally in my backyard from 8 until sundown because I live on a golf course. The concession girls will sell stuff to homeowners. I knew I had to get Vivitrol before I left rehab, and stay on it for months, to not cave. There's a guy who takes the cart path to work in the morning, he drives a golf cart...I have lost count how many times I'm leaving for work and have to stop for him because he's in the middle of the road drinking a beer. Being on Vivitrol really helped me get desensitized to seeing it everywhere. I can honestly say I have no desire anymore, and it doesn't bother me. I never thought I would get to that point.

Same
I live in Orange County California and it's fucking everywhere I can't vivitrol cuz of my hepc

 

[closeau]

That's how I am. I used to be so obsessed over a drink it was amazing. Now it's gone since my surgery so it be easy to look to the sky and say my obsession was taken by mysterious things. I don't know what it was but ever since waking up from surgery I have not wanted a drink at all. It blows my mind now that I'm out that I let that crap destroy me and ripple around me. It's emotional to see the destruction. Idk, just wanted to speak on the obsession leaving

 

[manboychef]

Haven't posted here in a long time. Eh wish I could say I've quit drinking but I haven't, if anything things have gotten worse some what. Am now not working and relying on booze to bring happiness to my day which of course then becomes a fake reality.

I've had issues with depression and anxiety my whole life but know at some stages in life I sure as hell didn't treat my pain with booze, maybe I'd cry and that's fair enough but never drinking. It just seems as the demand for what and who you are meant to be as you get older seems to be out of reach for me the more I try to chase for it and so drinking fills the void.

I'm 31 now and can say if any 20 something year olds are reading this, quit now whilst you're ahead as it doesn't get better. Your life becomes more empty and dull.

The existential struggle that is identity in the modern world leads many addicts to continue using in spite of negative consequences. The world is stacked against the working class now in a way that is so insidious as to make you believe it does not happen. The american dream is a farce.

That being said, it is no reason to continue drinking. In your situation I would go see a psychiatrist and get some meds to help with anxiety and depression. Wait a month since beginning to take them before you make a decision if they are working. Write a journal everyday at the end of day before bed. This should be the format.

Today I generally felt:__________, but at these times________I felt________. Just write this everyday that way you can bring it back to your doctor at the end of the month.

Once you have your mental health in order, then try to stop. Right now you are self medicating because there is something going on in your life that you wish to escape. IME I would have never gotten sober if I didn't get on meds and work on my OCD. Yes I still experience some of the symptoms, but they are not as drastic as before. I feel bad for my girl cos she has to deal with my paranoia and constant postulating about the bad things that can happen.

Just remember, baby steps my friend. Rome wasn't built in a day, so don't expect to put it under siege and destroy it in a day.

@closeau: I know just what you mean about the obsession to use. For me it is this overwhelming feeling to escape my circumstances. I am a thinking man, and I think to much about things to the point of causing myself distress. In order to break that obsession I have to practice thought stopping.

 

[closeau]

Be careful Xadem. DUI and shit. I've been on binges so I don't need to ask you why cause when I did it I really didn't know. Just be safe bro. Right now your drum but ok but if you hurt yourself or God forbid another person you'll never forgive yourself. That's all man. You'll dry up when you your ready
Noonoo- Def get in to see a dr man. Sounds like you got a lot in your life and covering it up with booze. You're in your early 30's, well I'm in my wary 40's so I can tell you t sto why you young. I was 38 when I quit. So that my teens, 20's, and 30's. It ain't worth it man. You still got plenty of time just need to get the depression and anxiety handled. Keep in touch and in here anytime
Erikmen: Hey man, just saying hi. Hope things are well. That obsession was a bitch huh? I'm glad mine is gone. See ya out here

 

[Erikmen]

I relapsed yesterday... Bought a shit ton of beer and drank through the night, until I fell unconscious in bed. I woke up two hours ago and ripped a bottle of wine from my dad. As soon as it's empty I'm gonna hit the stores... Shieeet

Relapses are normal and somehow expected as it's part of a process which is not perfect, sometimes things that we least expect ships us right back to where we started. But don't give up. Start over again. You did it once and you know you can do it again, and go as far as you set yourself ready to go. Now is normally the best time to make that work. The success of being sober depends on you. You can change how you pictured yourself, you can always make a new story a new ending. And now is the best time. You know how it feels. And you know you can do this!!

Like people say - there's not a problem in the world that doesn't get worse when alcohol takes place. You have shown how you are strong and capable to deal with this. Keep us posted..

Take care!
Erik

 

[Moreaux]

I relapsed yesterday... Bought a shit ton of beer and drank through the night, until I fell unconscious in bed. I woke up two hours ago and ripped a bottle of wine from my dad. As soon as it's empty I'm gonna hit the stores... Shieeet

Man - that pic almost made me cry. I would try so hard and get a month sober just to relapse hard. I would wake up after the first binge and be so disgusted with myself that I would rummage through empty containers to pour whatever was left in a glass on my way to the store so I could get more. I would just keep drinking because the alternative would have been suicide.

I never really smoked in my house so I used to smoke on a side step that led out to the car port - about four steps high. I would sit out there all night drinking and smoking and at some point I would pass out, roll off the stairs and into my garbage recycling bin where I would stay the night. So many people saw me half dressed passed out in my trash. People were so used to seeing me in the bin that they no longer checked up on me - you could see me from the street and neighbors, coworkers, everyone that drove by my house saw me in that damn bin. Some proud days.

Xadem - I am so sorry you relapsed. Try not to beat yourself up. This is merely a step back after several steps forward. Carefully examine what lead up to this moment - relapses can be quick or they can take months or years to build up to. Has something in your life changed recently? Are you eating well, getting enough sleep, as it can be as simple as being excessively hungery or tired. What were you doing while you were sober - were you working on the underlying issues that motivated your drinking? There are so many influences and variables that go into a relapse you really need to carefully study everything that lead up to it. Feel free to message me if you need to talk. Good luck and be safe!

 

[manboychef]

What thought process led to the relapse Xadem? Generally there is relapse mentality going on long before you end up using. For me it starts with isolation and losing my self worth. If you can figure out what changed in your way of thinking you can protect yourself from future slips.

The fact you came here and turned yourself in is a testament to how bad you want it. I know relapse feels embarrassing, and it is very hard to be honest, but you did. It shows you know that you need support, and we are all here to do so.

 

[Erikmen]

Xadem,
Finding out how your mind works can prevent you from having a relapse but even if we're totally careful, shit happens. I feel that most of us don't know yet everything that triggers and how fast they can be. Being honest with yourself and brave enough to share is the best and most effective step you can take to start over.

Self esteem takes a long road before it reaches some of us, especially if we are just quitting and without support from outside. I believe therapy can help us immensely but being here is all that matters right now. That's where you can be yourself and know that almost everyone goes through this, at some point.
I have had so many relapses I could not count all of them. But I realized that getting back to track the soonest possible makes a huge difference.

Please keep us informed about your feelings, your goals. Nobody will be judging you. I trust that sharing has always been one of the most successful ways to get back to your feet again and overcoming your fears.

 

[BugLife]

Hi...I don't suppose you guys mind an old woman on your support thread..
I fell off the wagon with booze after kicking oxy..drank hard for 6 months. Got back to the point where I couldn't leave the house without my vodka and oj, as I'd start shaking and going into wds within a couple of hours...I was drinking a 5th and a half a day.

I couldn't find a detox I could afford, so kicked it, with a rapid taper, still ended up in dt hell, seized, vomiting, the works.

I'm sober for the first time in years, and realize my life is over at 40. I'm a drunk old woman, who doesn't even have booze now.

I wish I could go back ten years...even 30 would be sometime to make a life. I figure ill kill myself when it gets too unbearable.

 

[Moreaux]

Hi...I don't suppose you guys mind an old woman on your support thread..
I fell off the wagon with booze after kicking oxy..drank hard for 6 months. Got back to the point where I couldn't leave the house without my vodka and oj, as I'd start shaking and going into wds within a couple of hours...I was drinking a 5th and a half a day.

I couldn't find a detox I could afford, so kicked it, with a rapid taper, still ended up in dt hell, seized, vomiting, the works.

I'm sober for the first time in years, and realize my life is over at 40. I'm a drunk old woman, who doesn't even have booze now.

I wish I could go back ten years...even 30 would be sometime to make a life. I figure ill kill myself when it gets too unbearable.

I think you would feel better if you changed your perspective some BugLife. I'm 39, and drank and used pills from the age of 16 to 35. I hve few memories of those times, and most of my memories are bad (either me making a fool out of myself, losing friends or loved ones because of my addiction, or drama because my friends were unhealthier than I was). I made a lot of bad decisions and failed to establish a solid foundation for my life. I will be 40 next year, and I can tell you life is not over at 40.

I think if you can get some time in sobriety mentally you will begin to feel better. Alcohol is devestating and it takes some time for the mind and body to heal. I was miserable and devestated when I first quit. I didn't know what to do with myself but wasn't capable of working yet, and had way too much time to consider the many ways in which I destroyed my life. I was hopeless, which overtime grew into incredible boredom, and eventually I realized I was in fact feeling much better and had much more clarity. All in all it was a few months after I quit.

Ive been sober for two years and have had a lot of time to think about my situation. I am not young but I am not old either - there is still time for me to get the life that I want. I am working on starting a new career, and I have several hobbies that I participate in a couple of times a week, I exercise, eat healthy, get good sleep, and am able to wake up early every morning feeling great. I don't wake up wondering what I did the night before, or feeling nauseous, or wondering where I left my car. Life isn't stellar, but it's a lot better than it was, and I see the chance for more improvement everyday.

I think when you wake up in the mornings you should force yourself to think of one or two things that are positive in your life. Focusing on the past is going to keep you in the past and that makes it really hard to work towards a better future. Go easy on yourself - breaking that cycle is a huge win! Give yourself time to recover. You can still make a life for yourself. Feel free to pm me if you need to talk.

 

[Erikmen]

You are not old @Buglife, 40 is the new 30. When I first started reading your mail I really thought you were old, old. 40 years old is not being old at all imho. Actually that's when we start getting old. Or, the teenager years of oldness just to play a bit with your numbers. I'm a bit over 45 and don't feel old at all.

I have also spent all of my life but addicted to opiates and benzos. I would not live a day without them, not for a day. I have lost time, youth, had stopped growing up at some point and despite all efforts to quit, I only really managed to take it seriously 1 year and 5 months ago. That's when I went enough was more than enough.

When I finally realized that wouldn't be much more life if I'd continued like that, and despite knowing I was on a impossible mission trying to quit Methadone and benzodiazepines, I finally did it. It was probably the most painful and long lasting withdrawals I have ever had, but I succeed.

I'm not a super happy person, neither found the light shining on the end of the tunnel but I'm feeling much better now than before. I am not as fearful and definitely not as dependent. The sense of freedom it gives me is enough to give me some good days. One of the things addiction tends to destroy in ourselves is our self esteem, our self respect and if that's happening to you maybe it's time to put an end on all this suffering. And you don't do that by giving up your life, your 'revenge' is all about being well and start living again.

Feeling that happiness is a possibility. Noticing that the world can be a better place, despíte of all problems you may be facing you'll always choose feeling free. I have had similar issues and felt things you've been through, but trust me when I say you can change all around you. Give it one more try, get some perspective and remember going back to 40 is the wish, a dream of a lot of people who are much older than you.

 

[Squizz1985]

Once I left AA the mothership disowned me.

Why does this not surprise me? I left AA almost six months ago. A couple of members have tried to call, but there's no point. You're better off on your own. Think of it this way: Was your drinking so bad that you actually had to join a cult in order to stop? You are not powerless. You've got this. You'll be just fine. Just keep doing what you're doing.

 

[Erikmen]

I am not a super fan of AA either but I think it's very important to keep yourself connected with a support group while you stick to your sobriety. It does not have to be an AA group it could be here in Bluelight, together with other groups in the internet or through therapy, whether that is in group or individual sessions, I found it quite refreshing and it has helped me a lot. I believe that with time we have learned that it's much more difficult to keep yourself sober alone rather than with the support from outside.

 

[Squizz1985]

I am not a super fan of AA either but I think it's very important to keep yourself connected with a support group while you stick to your sobriety. It does not have to be an AA group it could be here in Bluelight, together with other groups in the internet or through therapy, whether that is in group or individual sessions, I found it quite refreshing and it has helped me a lot. I believe that with time we have learned that it's much more difficult to keep yourself sober alone rather than with the support from outside.

I agree 100%. Support is crucial. But my thinking is, go somewhere where there is like-minded people. I could hardly identify at all with anybody I met in AA. So I joined a MMA club, and use the internet for support. A much better approach I've found. I had so many unnecessary confrontations with people in A.A. over the years, it was ridiculous. After a while, I kept asking myself, "Are you the problem here?" and the answer is clearly no, because I don't have NEARLY as many blowouts with people since leaving A.A.

I'm seriously considering writing a summary of my A.A./12-step/rehab experiences on here. What a NIGHTMARE.

 

[BugLife]

Nothing could get me back into AA/NA.

Sitting around listening to everyone go on about how much fun they didn't have while drinking, or doing their doc..I'd be lying if I said I got nothing from booze or pills. It took far more than it gave, but of course I had fun, of course it helped with my crazy. That's why I did it. I'm pretty insane sober.

I'm responsible for my own drinking, they can Fuck right off with their powerless bullshit.

I'm so glad people find hope for a better future, life, and be at least think contentment is not impossible in their futures. Ive destroyed my life. I was on my knees hallucinating with the dts and not one motherhood would give me an ativan. I'm just not worth it, I guess.

My life isn't over today. There's things in want to do for my kids before I go, but I see absolutely no future for me.

I'm too tired to get back into an opiate addiction, it's way too exhausting, that's why I went for legal, cheap, available booze. Booze is such an ugly way to go.

I guess I wanted to tell the kids I love them...sober...see them safely grown up. I didn't want to break their hearts...again. I'm even a shitty mom.

Sorry, guys, nothing worse than a whining self pitying old woman ... thanks for letting me talk. I'm sad and lonely.

 

[Erikmen]

I agree 100%. Support is crucial. But my thinking is, go somewhere where there is like-minded people. I could hardly identify at all with anybody I met in AA. So I joined a MMA club, and use the internet for support. A much better approach I've found. I had so many unnecessary confrontations with people in A.A. over the years, it was ridiculous. After a while, I kept asking myself, "Are you the problem here?" and the answer is clearly no, because I don't have NEARLY as many blowouts with people since leaving A.A.

I'm seriously considering writing a summary of my A.A./12-step/rehab experiences on here. What a NIGHTMARE.

Exactly.
That's precisely what I meant about AA or NA. It does not matter which one you choose as long as you have some support. I can personally share that some of the meetings I have gone I have seen a share of hypocrisy from some members while some others wouldn't be okay even if you take certain pills you may need.
On top of that it's also a bit ironic how much they smoke (!!) and drink coffee. I do enjoy nicotine but that's not the point lol.

 

[Erikmen]

Squizz,
Exactly.
That's precisely what I meant about AA or NA. It does not matter which one you choose as long as you have some support. I can personally share that some of the meetings I have gone I have seen a share of hypocrisy from some members while some others wouldn't be okay even if you take certain pills you may need.
On top of that it's also a bit ironic how much they smoke (!!) and drink coffee. I do enjoy nicotine but that's not the point lol.