Alcoholism discussion thread v. 5.0

[deficiT]

Blah I was sober for like 5 days. Went through the nasty, nasty feelings. Decided I wanted to be able to drink socially, so I'd have only a couple drinks with my girl at night for a few days. Then last night I guess I had one too many beers and smoked too much pot, my tolerance must have dropped, I fuckin fainted, went limp, and was unresponsive for a few minutes. Really scared the shit out my friends and my girlfriend. I don't know what the fuck is going on or why that happened, but it worries me.

 

[blahman8000]

Any chance of you getting some medication to ease the withrawal, Blahman8000?

Are you in contact with anyone in AA? If not, they could give you advice over the phone or in person. It might do you a bit of good to speak to someone in person who's been through it before.

Right now I'm not getting any medication, but I am considering it. The withdrawal does suck, but I feel that the main problem for me is the depression that I'm trying to medicate with alcohol. So maybe an SSRI of some kind is what I need. I"m not in touch with anyone from AA. I've been meaning to return to my usual AA meeting, though. I can't say I subscribe to the main AA philosophy (the 12 steps, higher power, etc.), but just being in a room with people who understand is helpful.

To harlans and shroomyboom, we need to quit this shit. We need to stop drinking. It's not doing us any good. We're obviously addressing our problems the wrong way with using alcohol. Personally, I do feel like shit when I'm not drunk, and alcohol allows me to ignore it. I don't think it necessarily makes me feel "better," so much as it just helps me think about it less. And I'd be lying if I said that I wouldn't resort to a different drug if I could afford it. But drugs and alcohol have ruined me and I know that continuing to use them isn't the solution. In the long run, it just makes things worse. If I never drank or did drugs before, I have a feeling things would be a lot different for me.

With every fiber of my being, I fucking hate this.

 

[harlans]

If I never drank or did drugs before, I have a feeling things would be a lot different for me.

With every fiber of my being, I fucking hate this.

i've often thought the same thing. what if i had never started really drinking. would i have finished school, kept the best bf ever, still be skinny? i'm pretty positive that i wouldn't have the debt that i do now. i think my family would still trust me and they wouldn't have spent tens of thousands $ on my last rehab - just to turn around and destroy my sobriety 5 yrs later...
with every fiber of my being i hate this too

 

[munki]

Fell off the wagon after a two month dry spell. That was two months ago. Was pretty moderate about it but the last couple of weeks I have fallen back into my old patterns. Getting in fights with the BF again about my drinking. Drove home drunk from the club the other night. Sleep dep, combined with hangovers at least three to four days out of the week. Went on a two day bender, and ate almost no solid food but drank at least 24 beers. Today I have not had any beer. Feeling super shitty today, anxious, sick. Feel so manic while being drunk that the eventual crash is pretty intense.

Want to dry out again. During the sober two months, I felt so good and had so much more energy and focus. Last night after another fight with the BF (day two of drinking nearly all day) I had a complete emotional breakdown, curled in the fetal position and sobbing. Had terrible dark thoughts of wanting to end it all. Don't like how my mind goes in that direction. On and off thoughts of suicide fucking suck.

My son just turned four and he is an amazing little person. Don't want him to witness me being a drunken mess. He deserves better.

 

[harlans]

i finally have run out of money completely. thank god i'm not able to buy alcohol today! finally a day i don't have to drink. we'll see how desperate i get later tho.

 

[harlans]

so i started really shaking and sweating several hours ago. i could feel my blood pressure raise, tremors, and the ubiquitous nausea. at least i found someone willing to give me their old valium. i hope it lasts to get me thru this hump. i hate withdrawals and i hate how familiar i am with them. such a looser, but at least i'm not over trying to beg alcohol off my neighbors - that's normally what i'd be doing right now. pretending to be helping them with dinner (they are elderly) because they will invariably offer me wine. a whole bottle if i wanted it along with the cocktails. i hate how i use people out of my desperation. i was a little worried going to get the pills from this guy as he's a little pervvy and much older than i am, but he didn't even make any pretense of trying to have a conversation, so - win! i just need it to last the next 4 days and i'll be in the clear... hopefully i won't start drinking again. that's why i'm moving next week...

 

[It's a baby!]

I'm not sure if I would use the alcoholic label to describe myself but my drinking definitely has a tendency to get out of control if I'm not careful. I've experienced pretty severe acute alcohol withdrawal before when I've allowed one of my binges to get really out of hand (drinking in the morning, drinking alone, etc.) I am starting to go off atypical antipsychotics towards the end of July and I think I am going to allow myself TWO and only TWO beers a night for its anxiolytic effects. Alcohol's supposed to be good for you at two drinks a night, it'll be like taking a low dose of valium but so much safer.

I don't know. The mere fact that I'm thinking about drinking this much, to the point that I'm really looking forward to going off the meds and having a good excuse to drink those two beers, shows that I have a drinking problem. But I think if I keep it to literally only TWO a night it might do me more good than harm.

 

[deficiT]

Well I went another week without drinking and am trying to limit the drinking to the weekends. But even then I still sense the beast because I'll start up when I get off work ya know, and just drink a metric fuckton. I thought my tolerance would have dropped a little but I can somehow still manage to drink copious amounts of whiskey and pinot grigio without vomiting or even really feeling all that crappy in the morning.

I've stopped the daily use of alcohol for now. So I do honestly feel a hell of a lot better about that, and my body likes me a little bit more. It's just really really damn hard making it through the weekdays without wasting money on speed, weed, benzos, and oxys. I know alcohol is the main problem because it just brings out the worst in me at times. But I still just have a using problem in general. And I know it's completely stupid to replace one addiction with another, but I don't know I can't really stop myself.

I'm sure alot of people have a problem with being sober. It's just boring sometimes when you got nothin to do ya know?

 

[RedLeader]

^ Ya, boredom is a huge trigger for a lot of people. The best solution here is just to structure your life so that you are never bored. If this means getting a second job, go for it. Some people go to meetings, others play sports, music, read, etc. You just have to work to reduce/eliminate those moments where you're sitting around with nothing to do, thinking about how much better time would pass if you were drinking. As well, you need to take up some new interests while you are keeping busy, things that don't have memories of drinking tied to them.

 

[Cyc]

For some people, it's not just filling the time with activities, it's completely overhauling the activities you do (beer league baseball, poker, PC gaming) to better fit with an alcohol-free lifestyle. My problem is that everything I am currently involved in goes well with a nice cold one. I need to find activities that are contraindicated with alcohol.

 

[justsayknow]

A lot of things do go quite well with a cold one...
I find working out is one thing that doesnt. I really need to get back into that

 

[blahman8000]

I can't really think of what to say here without sounding ridiculous. I'm back to heavy drinking. I don't know how much longer my liver will hold up, but staying sober for any significant length of time feels impossible. It's 4:52 AM right now, I have nothing to drink, I can't sleep, and every minute feels like an hour.

 

[deficiT]

It doesn't sound ridiculous at all. I know you're an awesome strong guy blahman and I know you can get back to your sober self again. Some of the best people in the world fall victim to alcohol as a crutch and it's a horrible fate. Just think of how different your life was when you were not drinking. And how much better you felt.

I know there's some sort of sick pleasure in destroying oneself with drink, but it's not worth it man. It feels impossible, but it's possible man and you're already proof of that.

 

[blahman8000]

Thanks for your encouragement, shroomyboom. And you're right, there were times during my sobriety when I was so thankful to have stopped, and felt better than ever, at least physically. But I know that eventually, subconsciously I was just waiting for a reason to pick up a drink. I started buying bottles of vodka and keeping them around "just in case," only to end up pouring them out. When I finally did drink, I really thought that I'd just end up getting drunk that night and then I'd go right back to being sober. Instead, it's been about a month of heavy drinking and I don't even have any motivation to stop. I'm pretty sure I'm one of those people whom so many people look at and think, "If I was him and had his mind and body, I'd kill myself." In fact I know it. And when I have alcohol, I get to feel somewhat fine with that because alcohol is like a reliable friend.

 

[blahman8000]

Thought I'd give this thread a bump. Hopefully it's a good thing that nobody has felt the need to post here in a bit.

Haven't had a drink today. I can't say for sure that I'm back on the wagon, though. Sometimes my cravings are totally overwhelming. The other night at 3:00 AM I had no booze and ended up searching my house for mouthwash or vanilla extract to drink. I've never had any of that before but I would've had I found any. Glad I didn't, though.

A part of me wants to find a "replacement," so I ended up smoking weed the other night. I've smoked it a few times recently, but this last time I had a huge panic attack. It's as if it was more than a panic attack. Like a bad mushroom trip. Maybe not quite as bad, and I guess it was just the intense anxiety. I feel as though maybe pot introduces me to deep recesses of my mind, that I've generally just blocked out. It causes me to face certain things that are sometimes very painful. So I took a couple of shots, and with that, felt a little better. After a couple of hours, that panic attack faded and I just felt good overall. But I don't know if pot is right for me, or any "replacement" for that matter.

Anyway, in the interest of not making this about pot in an alcoholism thread, I'll return to my point. Something shitty happened to me today, that I'm not going to get into the specifics of. At first my urge was to get a bottle, but I have no money. I was basically freaking out and didn't know what to do. With no where to go, with no friends available to hang out, and most importantly without the option of drinking, I was forced to resolve this situation and feeling somehow. I was forced into actually finding a long term solution. I'm so used to running away from my problems with drugs and alcohol that this has rarely even occurred to me as a possibility: solving my problems. The sadness and hopelessness became a motivator, and I have (very vague) plans set for the next few months. Things that I absolutely need to get done. But I need to stop drinking if I'm going to find any success. If I want to finally live independently, and not constantly ashamed of the status of my life, I need to get alcohol out of my way. The fact that I have intense cravings, almost NEEDS to drink in the morning and early afternoon after every night that I drink, says that I can't handle this stuff. It's obvious and I knew this before when it put me in the hospital. The fact that after every night of drinking, I have nightmares and wake up in a state of horror and sadness, tells me that alcohol is a fucking wolf in wolf's clothing.

I just don't know how I'll feel tomorrow. My mood bounces around a lot. My obsessions, doubts and fears are powerful. Given enough time to think, I become distraught and sometimes suicidal. My life, in a way, is in shambles. I don't know if my liver is even going to survive much longer, even if I abstain. I don't know if I've finished it off or what. It was nearly at the point of failure mere months ago. I know the liver is a champ of an organ, but it seems that mine is a little bitch. So I'll have to see a doctor.

I don't want to want to drink tomorrow. If I had money in my pocket today, I'd probably have a buzz going right now. Instead, sober and desperate, I applied for a few jobs and applied to have some information and booklets mailed to my from some local trade schools. It is so incredibly easy to give up and just say, "fuck it." I remember reading something Kurt Cobain wrote, that no one has said "fuck it" more times than an addict. I just don't know if I have too many more "fuck it's" left.

 

[harlans]

blahman i'm in the same boat. my parents moved me across the country sothey can keep an eye on me (i'm thirtyfuckingfour) because i always spent every cent on booze. lost my job, in debt, etc - ya know, the usual. i am freaking the fuck out. i don't even have a bank account anymore. i'm not "allowed" to have money. it will go to booze. always. always! and then i try to commit suicide over and over. i'm just really fucking lucky that a friend hooked me up with enough valium to get me thru the worst of the w/d. since then i've consumed a bottle of ativan (over the course of a week or so) and am now working thru a bottle of temazepam. that shit used to fuck me up in a very pleasant way, but now i have to take 45mgs to even know that i've had any. so i'm going thru that script of 30 REALLY fast. i'm terrified. i don't know what i'm going to do. my dad gave me a little cash tonight and the only reason i didn't head straight to the liquor store was because i'm quite allergic to bug bites (like really bad) and i don't have any repellant yet. i knew i could make it thru the night with the temazepam, but will i go buy booze tomorrow? I REALLY HOPE NOT, but making promises to myself means absolute shit. i came here for a new start, hopefully get back into aa, but i'm so scared to not have booze. I HATE it, too. booze doesn't feel good to me, i put myself in dangerous situations, have more extreme hangovers than most people, and generally want to kill myself (4 times in the last year). I hate alcohol. even when i was 3 or 4 years sober i still envied nicholas cage's role in Leaving Las Vegas. why does misery draw me to it like an insane magnet? especially when i don't like ANYTHING about booze, but I CAN NOT STOP myself from getting it whenever the opportunity arises. if i believed in the devil i'd say he takes the form of booze. the "fuck its" get me too, every damned day

 

[Wolfmans_BrothEr]

ive been meaning to get on here for a while and only recently got access to a computer. ive been starting to really worry about my alcohol use. im 22, almost 23, and i only really started seriously drinking maybe a month ago, if that. before that id have the occasional glass of wine when my mom would be having some, or get drunk at a party or something

i left new jersey to follow a girl up to maine, partially cuz i wanted to b with her but also b.c i needed to get off the dope. i started working full time a few weeks ago and when i finish at the end of the day ill usually hit up the bar for happy hour or come home and have a few beers or drinks just to unwind at the end of the day, and also b.c finding weed up here hasnt been easy since i dont really know anyone.

anyway she left me last sunday and is now with some other fuck, and the only thing im able to do to get my mind off it is to try and go to the bar and meet people or have a few drinks to make me feel better about myself. but now im worried im gonna become an alcoholic b.c unless u have a car theres not much to do around here except hit the bar or work. i set rules for myself, and done a pretty good job of sticking to them, like dont drink before or during work, dont drink in the morning, dont drive when youve been drinking, and unless its the weekend i wont really get drunk b.c i cant be hung over for work the next day. theres been a few times where my roommates offered me some rum or a beer and i actually turned it down

the only reason im really worried is b.c ive had my spells of addiction with almost every other drug out there, except alcohol, and i feel like im almost bound to go through it with alcohol. with all my other addictions i never actually worried about becoming addicted to it, this is the first time where ive actually tried to keep myself in check before things get out of control and im too late. i dont really know where im going with this, partially to vent, but also to get some other's opinions.

i know theres plenty of people who can have a few drinks at the end of the day and have no problem, and thats the way its been so far, but im trying to prevent it from going any further. like i love going out and having a few drinks and meeting new people, but i feel like since sunday the only reason ive gone to the bar is to drink, make me feel better about myself, and try to meet someone to get my mind off of her. i dont even know what else to say, she plays with my head so much and i dont know what to make of any of it. on sunday before she left we were intimate quite a few times, she even wrote her name on my last condom so no one else would use it. she said she still wants to hang out (she only moved to the next town over), and she says shes not even dating this guy, theyre just kinda "talking"

i took her to court last tuesday and the whole drive there she was rubbing my head and saying how cute i looked, and at one point she mentioned how good i was at sex. when she started crying i was there to comfort her, and if i bring up anything about this other girl ive been talking to she gets pisssssssssed and says how she doesnt care and doesnt wanna hear it. when i dropped her off she asked for a hug and told me to text or call her sometime, but when i went to kiss her she pulled away and gave me the excuse that "you have your other girls"

when that happened the first thing i did was go to the bar and get a long island followed by a rum n coke. i guess it kinda got a little siderailed there with my problems with this bitch but i feel as if theyre connected. i have a bunch more to say but i dont know how to put it into words, and i want people to ACTUALLY read this so i guess ill stop now, thanks for reading

 

[captaincaveman]

Just a quick word of encouragement for blahman and harlans. Alcohol is cruel temptress but it can be done. I went from being a social drinker to having to neck vodka first thing in the morning and drink throughout the day. I lost two jobs, all my friends, my girlfriend and almost my house. Harlans your story sounds extreme but I can relate. I used to drink to 'punish' myself. Nothing ever good came with alcohol (to be honest I can't say that about all drugs). My trick now is not to count the months and years I'm sober as it fools me into thinking I'm cured. I found a good AA meeting in which they don't mind me popping in from time to time. Some groups are militant and you have to follow the 12 steps exactly how they say or your ostracised. Another trick is when I'm thinkin about having a drink is to visualise how its going to end. I push fast forward in my mind and see where I end up, lying in my vomit covered bed looking for change and waiting for the off licenses to open. Blahman you sound a lot better then you did in your other post, good stuff mate, keep it going. You're right, you won't achieve anything drunk. Harlans, get on antebuse, I was on it for a year. Makes it physically impossible to drink and be careful if you try it can be fatal. Hope I'm not coming across like a preacher, it's just that I've been there and know how hard it is. I'm going to good friends wedding on Saturday, not going to be a problem. There's a way out, you just have to want it enough

 

[harlans]

Thanks for "listening" caveman. I'm really struggling over here and can't tell anyone but bluelight. Right now I'm living in the boonies and don't have a car yet or else I'd go find a meeting. I'm far enough in the sticks that I have no bus access (but there is a liquor store about a mile away, of course) and I have no money for a cab. I'm going crazy. If I stop and think AT ALL I start to panic. Why was it that I got sober for 5 yrs only to end up worse than ever before? fucking alcohol

 

[Eyes On the Roll]

I'm on probation now, so I stopped taking Oxy aaround 2 months ago. I wake up and crack a Steel Reserve, first thing in the morning. This morning, I woke up on a lawn chair, at the community pool with socks on both of my hands (for god knows why).

I didn't start drinking till about 2 months ago when I stopped taking Oxy. I don't really ever have an appetite anymore, because my stomachs always full of alcohol. I haven't gone a day without alcohol yet, so I don't know if I will get withdrawals.. but I did go to about 4 in the afternoon one day, and I had extreme anxiety.

Honestly, I wish I was still taking Oxy. And despite how strong I've been without it for these past two months, I have recently started considering buying a couple pills... no. That wouldn't be good though. I just have to be on something.. idk why. I can't function as a normal human being unless I'm fucked up.

My life is going to end in tragedy, I can already see it. This was just destined to be, despite the household, the head starts, and the above average intelligence I grew up with. There's just something wrong with me.