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Alcoholism discussion thread v. 5.0

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fuck.........i fucking found an excuse to leave w/o my "babysitter" a few days ago and got booze- drank so fucking much i was sick all night. then, of course, found an excuse two day ago and got beer- he found both what was left of the booze, and the six pack from two days later in my car and threw it all away - didnt find the 6 pack i'd stashed in the bathroom though......this is so fucking stupid! i seriously dont even like alcohol! but its so easily accessible.....and im going thru so much heart ache right now i feel like i DESERVE it which is cimplete horse shit because i have hep C and am a mom - i can't do this to myself because i have a beautiful toddler counting on me......my mom died of cancer when i was 14 and i cant believe id even risk putting him thru that pain - and dont understand why i can't stop drinking! when i was clean for 13 yrs alcohol didnt even slightly appeal to me. even when i was detoxing at a friends off my pain meds, and he had a bottle i
of vodka in the freezer for guests (he'd been clean 20+ years) - he asked if it bothered me and i said no, and meant it- and now....here i am - sneaking booze in......part of me is thinking ill clean-up my act when all of this legal BS is over and im reunited w/my son, living w/my dad who i love,etc. i got clean the first time while living w/him @ 17 years ago - he and i get along great and hes excited to have me and my baby move in- they have good meetings there, etc......
i just hope im not fooling myself and baffled that, after so long, booze never even tempted me- and now i cant stop, even tho i want to........thanks for listening-
g
 
sleepy said:
part of me is thinking ill clean-up my act when all of this legal BS is over and im reunited w/my son, living w/my dad who i love,etc.
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I hope those things help you realize how important it is to avoid drinking. Personally, there is always a destination off in the future where sobriety is more easily attainable. My problem is it is always in the future, never in the now. Until I was able to accept the immediate circumstances of my life as reason to clean up I always put it off. That's just me, and perhaps getting to another place will help. But it sounds like you have at least one really good reason to try to stop now.....
 
Hope everyone is continuing to do well. I'm reading a lot of insight and progress into these posts.

Well, I have been thrown a hairy curveball. I met a guy recently with an awesome house (which I need since my roommate's gf is moving back in) and it turns out not only do we mesh well as roommates, it may be more. Eek! I can't pass up the house because I get along so well with him and the incoming roommate. One hurdle, though: he doesn't drink. His mother is dying of alcohol-related liver cancer and he doesn't want to suffer a similar fate. We've hung out several times (we go to the same campus, he's also an adult student) and we think we want to be roommates and see where things go. Nothing has happened yet physically. He knows I drink. He doesn't care and does not expect me to quit but I can tell he'd rather see me sober, so I don't drink around him. I've been working on the new house with him. We both think this is the potential start of an awesome friendship and likely more. That can't happen if I drink problematically - his mother has about 3-6 months to live and me drinking heavily would be a terrible slap in the face. We get along together so well without substances. Who else would stay up all night with me discussing politics and who could get me to paint, lol.

If anyone's wondering about what happened to Zoolander (my alky dude), he invited me over on Saturday to hang out with him and his cousin. Both proceeded to get shitfaced. I had to drive so I stuck with 2 cocktails over about 4 hours. My struggle is by no means over but I continue to see the absolute idiotic behavior that alcohol can induce. We went to get some food at the grocery store and he just got... belligerent. I left after that; got a few nasty texts that sealed the deal for me. No more Zoolander. He can find someone else to attend his court dates and look the other way while he drunkenly texts his exes.

So, it looks as though it's going to be more conducive for me to not drink. Even though we alkies can very often hide it very well, it wouldn't be fair for me to enter this new situation that I hope will permanently change my life for the better. Since I stopped drinking so heavily, I notice my moods have leveled out, I feel like I am getting more nutrition out of the better food I am eating, my wallet is healthier for sure, and I have a sense of peace that comes from putting effort into a healthy developing relationship that just happens to have fallen into my lap.
 
As expected, pretty much as soon as I was out of hydrocodone, I'm back to drinking. I just got back from visiting family for spring break, and unfortunately have the apartment to myself until my friends get back tomorrow afternoon. I'm trying not to completely overdo it, cause the last thing I want is for my roommates to come back and find me a hungover mess...fuck, I'll never understand why I do this shit.
 
Went to my weekly AA meeting today. Still on the fence about going to these meetings in the long term. One person said a few things tonight that really hit me the wrong way, saying verbatim that it's "impossible" to remain sober without devoting my life to a spiritual "higher power." I know the stance that Alcoholics Anonymous takes on that, that it can't be done alone. I don't think that's true. But I attend these meetings because I made a promise that I would give it a shot, and I guess because I generally just feel like I'm supposed to. Like, this is what you do when you're recovering from alcoholism. I'm not going to rehab, so I feel like I should be doing something. But I certainly don't feel like I NEED it, nor do I feel like I NEED to rely on a higher power that I don't necessarily believe in to pull me through. I know that I would still be sober right now even if I hadn't attended any meetings at all. No one can deny me that because I know my reasons and motivations for stopping, and my strength and devotion towards that did not come from AA.

On the other hand, there are some very supportive people there who have spoken to me in and after meetings, and I feel like it's only appropriate to continue to show up. It seems like there's always this unspoken suspicion that when a regular doesn't show up, it means they're out getting hammered. And anyway, I just feel somewhat obligated to be there. I feel like it's wrong to just stop showing up with no explanation, after they were supportive and kind to me, just as they are to each other.

Still getting cravings, but it's usually not hard for me to ignore them. I'm still revolted by the thought of returning to that lifestyle. I know where it takes me and I'm disgusted by what I became when I was drinking. I feel like I've reached my limit with drinking. One more hangover and I think I'll lose my mind.

I hope everyone is doing well. This website and this thread have been very helpful to me for over two years now. Things have changed quite a bit since I first registered here, and I've been lucky to have you folks to talk to on here.
 
A few years ago I got to where I would drink a case + a day, and I found how much any routine can become very addicting,
not underestimating that has been most helpful.

Our general functioning process really is so simple that, you can use it to your advantage,
there isnt much else worth relying on.
;)
 
Blahman
I agree that some things said in meetings can be disregarded totally.

I find AA meetings (and other 12 step meetings like Al-Anon) helpful because it's something to do.

Cravings can last for hours. Right now that's the stage where I am at so that is the function of meetings for me.


__________________________________________

"...Opinions of individuals do not express the sentiment of the group as a whole..."
 
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I am on an email list where we discuss some spiritual topics. There was some conflict and criticism on the list. In response, someone completely unexpected (perhaps never having tried alcohol, or much) had some really powerful insights on the format of AA meetings. I will share it here.

"In the course of my life I've seen a number of such kind of verbal short-cuts and the best solution for avoiding them I've come across so far is the formate of the meetings of the 12-step groups (like Alcoholics Anonymous, etc.) which practice verbal sharing of one's own thoughts & feelings without commenting (either agreeing or disagreeing, and neither criticising nor advising) on anyone else's sharing.

Even though that is not conversation- like mode, it is very effective as it automatically eliminates competitiveness & argumentativeness and provides a safe environment where people may express themselves without anyone bugging them with an input on who/how "else" to be.

Because the feedback is not welcome, it is neither offered nor expected... which may appear a little weird and "disconnected" to start with... until we notice the relief it brings by avoiding the fear of attack & readiness to react by retaliating & self-protecting or by disfiguring ourselves in order to fit even unspoken expectations / feelings&opinions of others.

By being allowed to simply be themselves, eventually people become more willing to expose more & more of their innermost self, which is invariably deeply touching and profoundly beautiful and wise. The honesty & sincerity thus achieved melt all the barriers and people experience joy & peace with themselves and others. Unity in diversity... for real.

I'm not yet as proficient in that formate though I'm willing to work on it... as it's the most succesful environment for meaningful expression & communication I've experienced so far. And which is why I'd recommend to everyone to try it out for themselves."

I find it encouraging to hear some positive outlook from someone completely uninvolved in 12 steps.
 
It has been 7 whole days since I've had a drink, and I'm hardly having any cravings any more at all. Pretty amazing.

I left my boyfriend yesterday. For anyone who remembers from a couple of pages back in this thread, he has been most unsupportive and unhelpful to my sobriety cause. Leaving him is going to be one of the hardest things I've ever done but it is definitely the RIGHT thing to be doing. I must take care of my own health and happiness first and foremost.

My head is so clear since I've been sober, I feel absolutely amazing.

Much love to you all <3
 
Thank you PIP, you've been an inspiration for me to get sober for a very long time :) <3
 
n3ophy7e said:
It has been 7 whole days since I've had a drink, and I'm hardly having any cravings any more at all. Pretty amazing.

I left my boyfriend yesterday. For anyone who remembers from a couple of pages back in this thread, he has been most unsupportive and unhelpful to my sobriety cause. Leaving him is going to be one of the hardest things I've ever done but it is definitely the RIGHT thing to be doing. I must take care of my own health and happiness first and foremost.

My head is so clear since I've been sober, I feel absolutely amazing.

Much love to you all <3
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That's great to hear (on both counts)! It didn't sound like that a healthy relationship for you to be in. It's fantastic that you were able to break it off - that's by no means an easy thing to do. And congrats on staying sober! I hope I'll be ever to get to that point sooner rather than later...
 
n3o, I'm happy to hear that you made this tough decision. You're heading towards a really good direction, imagine 7 days clean! You rock it!
 
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n3o, I'm so happy for you!

What have you done to get through cravings? How long were they lasting for the first few days?

This is great..
 
Thank you so much everyone <3 <3 <3

mami, I've been on naltrexone for a couple of months, which has helped IMMENSELY with the cravings. I hardly crave alcohol at all anymore (in the physical sense). I still have psychological cravings, that feeling of wanting/needing to immediately be numbed/switched off from the world by use of a substance. But mindfulness is really helping with that.

I dunno, I just feel like after 2 years of really battling this shit, things have finally just clicked in to place for me to really be sober. And I am loving it :)

panic in paradise said:
I can only take that in the best possible way...
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Good, because I meant it in the best possible way :D
 
I'm glad you're doing so well, n3o. Keep it up! It's sure as hell not an easy battle, but it's worth it. Sometimes after drinking for so long, we can forget how much better life can be with health and sobriety. I'm only just learning that myself.
 
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