Alcoholism discussion thread v. 5.0

[Slappyfinklestein]

Ive been drinking socialay/heavily since ive been 12 years old. My parents let me down for sure. I was allowed to party just like the adults because i was huge. At the time it seemed sweet it made me feel like i was an adult therefore, I started encountering more adult situations at a younger age. Doing this so early in life has made me consious of the long term negativity involved with binge'ing. I still drink but i try to be consious of my decisions while boozing, tryin not to let my emotions controll my actions instead of intuition

 

[n3ophy7e]

^^ I can relate to that Slappy. My parents let me drink from a very early age too. I'm sure they didn't realise the effect it would have on me. It's really good you're aware of how it's affected you.

 

[sarcophagus.heels]

Alcohol isn't my DOC either, but it's by far the one that's gotten me into the most trouble. The problem is that I am incredibly impulsive, and so being able to grab a bottle of vodka on the way home from the bus stop just does not work to my advantage. And once I start drinking liquor, I'm generally gonna put down about half a fifth - any more than that, and I'm in hangover city for a good part of the next day, but I often don't have the foresight in the later portions of drinking to actually keep track. I feel like the drinking's gotten worse since I've quit opiates (my DOC), and I partially quit benzos because benzos + alcohol is playing with fucking fire. It's kind of a lose-lose situation all around.

 

[n3ophy7e]

sarcophagus, I think it's reasonably common that ex-opiate users pick up alcohol a bit more after they get clean. It's cheap and readily available, and legal. Whilst it's fantastic that you're no longer using opiates, you've gotta be careful now that you don't just swap one addiction for another and become addicted to alcohol. I'm sure you're aware of this possibility though. That is also VERY very wise to stop using benzos and alcohol together. That is indeed a recipe for disaster.

How are you with your drinking at the moment? Are you drinking every day?

 

[n3ophy7e]

I am just so sad. I feel completely defeated. I am trying so fucking hard to stay sober, but my alcoholic boyfriend is still drinking like a fish. He's been drinking beer and doing nangs in the same room as me for about 8 hours. He drinks in front of me every day. He is incessantly offering me drinks, buying my favourite wine, WHY IS HE DOING THIS TO ME?! If I happen to be in the kitchen when he needs a new beer he calls out and asks me to grab him another beer......WTF?! Does he think this is all some big fucking joke? And this is all AFTER we've been to relationship counselling, and my therapist has specifically discussed how he can be supportive to my attempts to quit drinking, and he agreed that he would be. But he's being about as unsupportive as he could could be.
I've been with him for 8 years, and we own a house together, and I love him so much. I can't just leave. Well....I CAN, but I can't. It's too hard. I want to be sober so desperately, and I'm doing everything within my power to do so. But it's impossible, when I'm living in the same house as this person. I know I'm going to have to eventually move out but it's just too fucking hard to even contemplate at this point in time. So I'll just sit here and cry in complete and utter defeat instead

 

[Allein]

^^^

So sorry to hear your partner is not giving you the support you need and deserve, I'm not judging him but it does sound like he would rather you were still abusing, maybe he thinks that it would make him feel better about his own abuse if you were still following his path.

I've been dry since July 2011, mt partner does drink in front of me and I'm happy to get her a bottle of wine when I go shopping but she's not an abuser of any substance, so whilst it a bit weird going to the alcohol section of the supermarket and not loading up the trolley with a shed load of booze for me it's OK.

Is he not seeking help for his own problems? , apologies if you have covered this elsewhere, but if he isn't and he is doing what he is doing it sounds like nothing more than masochism to stay there.

If it were me, which it clearly is not, I would write up a simple set of rules covering what is and is not acceptable to you to continue living there and give them to him, If he cares for you and the rules are reasonable then he should recognise your needs above his own and adhere to them if not ...well you know where you stand.

Best Wishes

 

[Cyc]

I am just so sad. I feel completely defeated. I am trying so fucking hard to stay sober, but my alcoholic boyfriend is still drinking like a fish. He's been drinking beer and doing nangs in the same room as me for about 8 hours. He drinks in front of me every day. He is incessantly offering me drinks, buying my favourite wine, WHY IS HE DOING THIS TO ME?! If I happen to be in the kitchen when he needs a new beer he calls out and asks me to grab him another beer......WTF?! Does he think this is all some big fucking joke? And this is all AFTER we've been to relationship counselling, and my therapist has specifically discussed how he can be supportive to my attempts to quit drinking, and he agreed that he would be. But he's being about as unsupportive as he could could be.
I've been with him for 8 years, and we own a house together, and I love him so much. I can't just leave. Well....I CAN, but I can't. It's too hard. I want to be sober so desperately, and I'm doing everything within my power to do so. But it's impossible, when I'm living in the same house as this person. I know I'm going to have to eventually move out but it's just too fucking hard to even contemplate at this point in time. So I'll just sit here and cry in complete and utter defeat instead

Aww, n3o

Ma belle, tu ne mérites pas ça.

 

[sarcophagus.heels]

sarcophagus, I think it's reasonably common that ex-opiate users pick up alcohol a bit more after they get clean. It's cheap and readily available, and legal. Whilst it's fantastic that you're no longer using opiates, you've gotta be careful now that you don't just swap one addiction for another and become addicted to alcohol. I'm sure you're aware of this possibility though. That is also VERY very wise to stop using benzos and alcohol together. That is indeed a recipe for disaster.

How are you with your drinking at the moment? Are you drinking every day?

Yeah, well, that's my worry as well. While I'm not currently physically dependent on alcohol like I was on opiates. And yeah...I had a couple really terrible experiences mixing benzos and alcohol and decided I should probably quit the benzos. I guess I have been drinking every day, but only because we tend to drink beer with dinner and such. But as far as hard drinking goes, I've been drinking anywhere from 1 to 2 fifths of vodka or rum a week. Early last week was the worst, I went on a bit of a bender for about three days, and was horrifically hungover for a solid day. I think I finally cut it short because my roommate/best friend (who knows about my various issues) approached me and said that it was really difficult for her to see me like that, and that she couldn't watch me poison myself without saying anything. After that, I felt rather guilty. Well, and I had run out of alcohol anyway.

About your boyfriend - that's absolutely terrible. Getting sober is hard enough without having someone constantly enabling you! I honestly feel that you should confront him about it and try to set some ground rules...like, even if he continues to drink, he shouldn't offer you drinks, and generally cut down so that he's not constantly drinking in front of you? Anyway, I'm so sorry T_T Good luck!

 

[ebola?]

About your boyfriend - that's absolutely terrible. Getting sober is hard enough without having someone constantly enabling you! I honestly feel that you should confront him about it and try to set some ground rules...like, even if he continues to drink, he shouldn't offer you drinks, and generally cut down so that he's not constantly drinking in front of you?

Yeah...Is he too drunk to understand your contentions or something? And what's with alcohol and nangs for hours on end? That's not even a good combination.

ebola

 

[effie]

n3o, I'm so sorry to hear that!

I think atm's idea is a good one, about clearly stating the ground rules that you need to help you stay sober in the house - that way everyone knows the score and it will help you to make the decision about whether you can continue to live there or not.. how do you think your partner would respond to that?

I understand how terrifying the thought of moving out is. Believe me though - when it comes to it, if it has to be done, you can do it. We are not very good at contemplating change, and fear of the unknown is one of the driving forces that keeps people stuck in unhappy situations but once you make the leap things are rarely as hard as you would imagine - and even if they are difficult at first, there will be huge positives too (not having all the triggers around, feeling proud that you made the right decision for you, regaining your independence etc).. I never thought I could live alone without Dave until I had to but I've managed it - it's not been fun but even though it was forced upon me I can now start to see the good it is doing me having to take control of my own life and support myself. Despite our fear of change we are amazingly adaptable creatures and I have every faith that you can do it if you need to

 

[motherofearth]

Hi motherofearth, firstly welcome to Bluelight It definitely sounds like you've made a very good decision to listen to your body and steer clear of liquor. Do you find it easy to avoid all of those other substances as well?

Thanks. I want to say first that I really appreciate bluelight and find it to be beyond a resource - there's a lot of support in these threads, and this has all been a pretty groovy discovery for me over the last week. To address your question, I think staying away from liquor is easier for me because of other drug. I was getting plastered all these years, wasting my time, while my true love was speedballs all along. Of course, this discovery has been verily a damning one for me. I relapsed last night, and I'm in the process of using what's left before I start recovering again. So the answer is no, sadly. However, it all seemed easy right up until my relapse. I wasn't suffering cravings or anything.

 

[Vaya]

I am just so sad. I feel completely defeated. I am trying so fucking hard to stay sober, but my alcoholic boyfriend is still drinking like a fish. He's been drinking beer and doing nangs in the same room as me for about 8 hours. He drinks in front of me every day. He is incessantly offering me drinks, buying my favourite wine, WHY IS HE DOING THIS TO ME?!

Because misery loves company, Rosie.
I would wager that it's not his intention to hurt you ("doing this to me"). The simple fact, however, is that it IS hurting you - emotionally and domestically - as well as impeding your ability to stay away from alcohol.
Need I reiterate it? Something's got to give, and if he is not willing to respect your serenity then you must separate yourself from him by whatever means necessary. Until that time, and provided he does not change his ways, you will (I'm exceedingly sorry to say) continue to be miserable there. And you will continue to drink, too. I really don't think you need to test that theory any more to make sure its rational. Work with me: If you had to make a bare-bones, absolutely simplistic but realistic plan for separation, what would it involve? Who would move out, and to where would that person move?
Only action on your part will resolve this messy situation.

And this is all AFTER we've been to relationship counselling, and my therapist has specifically discussed how he can be supportive to my attempts to quit drinking, and he agreed that he would be. But he's being about as unsupportive as he could could be.

Despite discussions and counseling, the problem persists. It certainly wouldn't be immoral to decapitate this serpent before you really get bitten. You've been bruised too many times by this point.

I've been with him for 8 years, and we own a house together, and I love him so much. I can't just leave. Well....I CAN, but I can't. It's too hard. I want to be sober so desperately, and I'm doing everything within my power to do so. But it's impossible, when I'm living in the same house as this person.

Eight years is a long time. I respect the length of your relationship, and can only imagine how difficult the thought of ending it must be for you after such a significant period of time. I think if you clarify what makes leaving "too hard," you'll find that it boils down to the perception of social obligation, stigma of splitting up, torrents of personal guilt (i.e. well I wasn't perfect either... how can I do this to him?), etc.
Let me be clear: I'm not putting words in your mouth. The aforementioned are merely examples of what I know many people have gone through during that decisive moment in a long-term relationship where one knows that it needs to end, but feels as though it just... can't! Not after so long! You wouldn't be the first to struggle with that gut-wrenching dilemma, and I feel for you. I can only offer suggestions. And I suggest you pay strict attention to your own words that follow:

I know I'm going to have to eventually move out but it's just too fucking hard to even contemplate at this point in time.

Okay, you came upon this realization. It's a significant one; don't forget about it. But if something is too overwhelming at the moment to think about, table it for a day or two and return when you are thinking more clearly. There's no sense in forcing sensibility, is there?
Take it easy on yourself.

So I'll just sit here and cry in complete and utter defeat instead

If that's cathartic at this moment, then fucking let it out!!! No shame in that. None.
I hope you can spur yourself to action eventually.
You have an outlet, you have a potential plan, you've (to some extent) accepted the unpleasant reality of the situation. The keystone of this bridge to personal freedom is action. You must act in order that your life gets back on track and the weight of this burden is lifted from your sore and sagging shoulders. Call it, because the simple fact is that you're not happy. You desperately want to be sober. That means you deserve to be sober. No human power ought to be allowed to stand in the path of your right.

For now, rest. But unless you plan on long-term misery, begin sketching out an attack plan. It's just... what's gotta happen. It kills me to be the messenger of that news

effie provides really good insight regarding your ability to adapt to change. Trust me, she's entirely correct - I'll admit that I hate change. But once the change has occurred, shit's peachy. (I kept it concise for you )

PM me if you want suggestions. I went through this very thing about 11.75 months ago, and it's still fresh as a daisy in my mind.

Warmest regards to all,
~ Vaya

 

[VanWeyden]

^^ Hey n3o, after the other posters already said what can be said about your situation, I just wanna say that I really feel for you! Staying sober while watching a beloved one getting wasted and destroying himself sounds so fucking back-breaking I can hardly imagine. But abstaing in spite of that like you are, even if it's not forever, implies all the strength and determination you have to live sober. You are choosing a really difficult road right now, but I'm sure that sooner or later you'll realize that this simply necessary. Eventually everything will fall into place and you'll know what to do. Don't force yourself!

 

[sleepy]

Alcohol isn't my DOC either, but it's by far the one that's gotten me into the most trouble. The problem is that I am incredibly impulsive, and so being able to grab a bottle of vodka on the way home from the bus stop just does not work to my advantage. And once I start drinking liquor, I'm generally gonna put down about half a fifth - any more than that, and I'm in hangover city for a good part of the next day, but I often don't have the foresight in the later portions of drinking to actually keep track. I feel like the drinking's gotten worse since I've quit opiates (my DOC), and I partially quit benzos because benzos + alcohol is playing with fucking fire. It's kind of a lose-lose situation all around.

wow! thank u for this post! ive been feeling like such in IDIOT LOSER because I'm a classic "hope to die dope fiend" as one of my past sponsors sid after hearing my 1st step about 17 yrs ago (herion is my DOC). then i was 100% clean for about 13yrs.... then back surgeries, chronic pain, legitamately Rxed opiates, and i relapsed about 1.5 yrs into it. of course there were other factors too.....then i got clean off the dope last june, then a few months ago, while going thru a horrendouse divorse/custody battle, i started drinking. a bit at fist, as ive NEVER even LIKED alcohol! but i somewhat quickly started drinking ALOT DAILY. then a few weeks ago i had a seizure in the check- out line at a market - parametics, 7hrs in crit care, just to discover to my SHOCK it was alcohol wds! theen another seizure a week later! its weird because as a junkie, im used to wds feeling like you're dying, but i never truly "got it" that alcohol wds can acrually kill u! anyway....so my friend w/whom im staying w/until this court shit is over (divorse/custody) was ready to kick me out because " he couldnt watch me kill myself" i begged him to give me another chance. then of course i drank again. then he seriously kicked me out- I BEGGED him to give meanother chance because at that point i got it: " i must stop" (and i have hep C, so for me to drink is SO STUPID!) - so hetook me to a doctor andi got some meds to get me through the danger zone so i dont have any more seaizures.....and that was 4 days ago. man! alcohol w/d SUCKS! maybe because im more used to heroin wd, which is no party,but alcohol, while less violently ill, is a strange, painfull mindfuck. anyway, my friend hasnt let meout of his sight which is a GOOD THING because yesterday i was COMING OUT OF MY SKIN and told him i was going to get some soup, but had every secret intention of picking up some beer and "just drinking one" (ha! even if i had one drank one, it would have set me back to sq one- for me anyway) - he said " ill go w/u,to my secret irritation!) but im really grateful he did, as im feeling significantly better today.........anyway - just sharing and thanking everyone for being here on BL. and putting it out there that if u cant do inpatient detox, which i would have loved doing but couldnt because of this custody battle, if u can find a sober/clean friend to babysit you through the worst of it, u stand a much better chance.
and to n3o: part of the reason iwent so far down is because i felt trapped in a toxic relationship. not saying yours is toxic necesarily, but a partner that isnt helping u be healthy doesnt sound,IMHO, like a keeper.....best of luck to u!

 

[polymath]

A couple of weeks ago, I had a few days off work, and I drank so much booze that I got some kind of an inflammation of larynx due to the irritation from too much alcohol. I was unable to speak for five days, I could only whisper... I was afraid that something happens and I have to call an ambulance, but I'm unable to tell in the phone what's wrong.

Now I'm already drinking again. Just bought a 12-pack for the night.

Alcohol is going to kill me. Maybe not this year, or the next, but if I can't quit drinking, it WILL kill me some day. I'm also smoking two packs of cigarettes a day...

I tried going to AA last summer, but I felt I didn't quite fit in. All the others there were old men who have no education and haven't had a job since the 90s, and I'm a 29-year old guy who has a degree from the university.

If I don't get my usual evening drink, I start getting panic attacks a few hours before going to sleep. I'm not sure how to manage the anxiety without alcohol/drugs.

 

[Vaya]

I'm a 29-year old guy who has a degree from the university.

Really? Cause that sounds like 75% of the people I see at meetings.

You've got to shop around, but once you've found some good meetings with people you can relate to, it's gold. You shouldn't give up that easily IMO

~ Vaya

 

[polymath]

^ There could be a cultural difference here... Over here in Finland, people seem to think that an alcoholic is always a man who's at least 40 years old, and didn't go to school anymore after they were 16... That, of course, makes it more difficult for young people, women, educated people, etc. to admit that they could have a problem with alcohol.

 

[blahman8000]

Thought I'd bump this thread and see how you guys are doing. n3ophy7e, I hope things are going well. It sucks to have someone drinking around you when you're trying to stay dry.

I've been getting cravings here and there. Still haven't had a drink, though. My replacement for it continues to be eating and exercising. I still have the occasional dream of getting drunk or high. I missed my AA meeting last Saturday because I was so tired. Still reading the Alcoholics Anonymous book, though. I can't say I'm sold on the AA thing yet, but I'm still trying to give it a chance. I'm not paying much attention to the steps, really. Right now it's just a place to share things with people who can relate and understand.

I've got an appointment at a medical clinic on Friday morning to check up on my liver. Hopefully I've made an improvement. I've been doing my best. It would be a relief to hear some good news.

 

[sarcophagus.heels]

The whole philosophy of 12 step programs never sat right with me, which is why I was always reluctant to go to AA. The support group part of it is the only thing that's appealing - being able to talk to people who know what you're going through is phenomenal. I'm not sold on the rest of it.

.....then i got clean off the dope last june, then a few months ago, while going thru a horrendouse divorse/custody battle, i started drinking. a bit at fist, as ive NEVER even LIKED alcohol! but i somewhat quickly started drinking ALOT DAILY.

Hell, I never really liked alcohol either - it's a shitty drug! I don't know how I got to the point where I was drinking so much, but alcohol's a sneaky son-of-a-bitch. Never gone through w/d's, though, and I hope I never get to that point.

Ugh, I've had very little to drink in the past week, but that's entirely because I went home for a week and stumbled across a large amount of hydrocodone, so I'm just completely off the wagon. And I'm sure when the hydro's gone and I'm back at school, I'll just finish the vodka I have in my closet. Goddammit. Well, on the bright side, I'm gonna be starting an outpatient program at a mental hospital soon after I get back, so perhaps I can start getting my head straight...

 

[RedLeader]

^

Hell, I never really liked alcohol either - it's a shitty drug!

I hate the taste of alcohol. Aside from some upscale beers, I would still make a face after each sip. I despised doing shots. And yet I drank almost daily for years. Alcohol's wicked like that.

I think the upside of hating alcohol as a drug is that once you do get some sober time under your belt, it's a lot easier to keep going. You'll smell liquor and want to be sick. It seems more like the poison that it actually is.

This is why it's orders of magnitude harder for me to stay clean from heroin. I love the taste of heroin so much, as well as the ritual of putting it into my body. I miss that stuff more than the effects. I imagine that if my favourite fruit drinks had the same effect that alcohol did on me, it would be harder to stay away.

My replacement for it continues to be eating and exercising.

It's good to be able to actually eat again, isn't it? Not worrying about food ruining your buzz. No more indigestion or 'alcoholic sore throat.' No more anxiety from eating too much. No more apprehension about spending money on food.

Exercise is my replacement addiction, so I am with you there too.

I can't say I'm sold on the AA thing yet, but I'm still trying to give it a chance. I'm not paying much attention to the steps, really. Right now it's just a place to share things with people who can relate and understand.

That is a great attitude to have. As well, try not to think of them as steps you necessarily take in order. Some of them are really good for everyone - making amends, for example. Others, like submitting to a higher power, are easier with which to take issue.