ahhh.... tranqulity :D (looking for critiques, please!)

[wesmdow]

Hunt for the Tranquil Dragon (critique please!)

years searching,
chasing....

the tranquil dragon is so very fast, you see.
difficult to capture..
impossible to taim.

yet, i still try. i still hunt.
hot pesruit of the venery.

logic aside//screw that..

occasionally ill catch a glimpse of the golden,
the precious~

...but a shadow in the corner of my eye..
doesnt satiate me;

in my posesion (someday ill catch him),
he will serve me tirelessly...

he cannot escape.
i wont allow it.

mine. foverer.mine.

...and i want it, NOW!

o wrote this a few days ago, i kinda like it, but ive been high for a while... so i cant really tell.

is this utter garbage? does it even make sense?

years searching,
chasing....

the tranquil dragon is so very fast, you see.
difficult to capture..
impossible to taim.

yet, i still try. i still hunt.
hot pesruit of the venery.

logic aside//screw that..

occasionally ill squint;
a sillouhette of the golden,
the precious~

...but a shadow in the corner of my eye..
doesnt satiate me;

in my posesion (someday ill catch him),
he will serve me tirelessly...

he cannot escape.
i wont allow it.

mine. foverer.mine.

he cannot escape.
i wont allow it.

im still unhappy with this line... any suggestions?

ok draft 3

years searching,
chasing....

the tranquil dragon is so very fast, you see.
difficult to capture,
impossible to taim.

yet, i still try, i hunt.
hot pesruit of that venery.

logic aside//screw that..

occasionally a glimpse--
just a sliver--
of the sweet, calm serenety
as it swiftly glides past.

...but a shadow in the corner of my eye..
doesnt satiate me;

eventually, the change has to end
and.
in my posesion (someday ill catch him),
he will serve me tirelessly...

he cannot escape.
i wont allow it.

mine. foverer.mine.

draft 4

years searching,
chasing....

the tranquil dragon is so very fast, you see.
difficult to capture,
impossible to taim.

yet, i still try, i hunt.
hot pesruit of that venery.

logic aside//screw that..

occasionally i squint;
glance--leer at the
gleaming silloughette against
the black sky...

even if just for
a fraction of a moment...

still...just out of reach...

...but a glistening shadow
in the corner of my eye..
doesnt satiate me;

in my posesion (someday ill catch him),
he will serve me tirelessly...

he cannot escape.
i wont allow it.

mine. foverer.mine.

Draft 5

 

[(Wordy)]

I really like this. It's good, but I think it definitely has the potential to be great with a little tinkering.

This line is the core of it for me - nice oxymoron:

the tranquil dragon is so very fast, you see.

If I were you I'd definitely cull the last line - it's just a bit too much I think, and doesn't really add anything. The penultimate line says enough.

And these lines work, but the adjectives seem a little cliched (and are perhaps too similar to enrich the overall meaning?):

occasionally ill catch a glimpse of the golden,
the precious~

But the lines that follow on are excellent:

...but a shadow in the corner of my eye..
doesnt satiate me;

 

[(Wordy)]

In terms of those lines you're unhappy with... I think they're ok, but maybe you need to write a couple more lines to go with them? Maybe you should provide some detail about how the 'dragon' is captured? Is he chained up, behind bars, or something much more unusual (unusual is good!). I realise that the dragon is more of a figurative dragon, but you could play some more with the metaphor. For example, I can imagine the dragon thrashing around in a cage, breathing fire, causing harm to itself, etc. Anyway that's just one possibility - basically I'm thinking that the poem needs to be fleshed out with more detail towards the end.

I see you've changed this:

occasionally ill catch a glimpse of the golden,
the precious~

to this:

occasionally ill squint;
a sillouhette of the golden,
the precious~

To be honest I don't think this is an improvement; the first version is still better. In the new version, it's not totally clear that you're catching a glimpse. I think you should keep playing with this part. The 'silhouette' idea could work, but I think the image needs to be made clearer, somehow more visible (even though the image is trying to capture something which is only just visible!). Hope this makes sense!

 

[jamesgatz]

logic aside//screw that..

occasionally ill catch a glimpse of the golden,
the precious~

I would work on the wording here. "screw that" doesn't really seem to fit the tone of the other lines. ALso, both "golden" and "precious" might be able to be replaced with even richer words with deeper connotations.

he cannot escape.
i wont allow it.

I think "I won't allow it." could be more effectively replaced with something that is more definite that your not allowing it. Strategies for separating it from you and making it sounds certain could include describing it further as an impossibility (Like the line before that), or even just putting it into a passive statement of some sort.

Yeah, cull the last line. I really like the way the line before that sounds as an ending.

Cool poem. Thanks for sharing!

 

[(Wordy)]

"screw that" doesn't really seem to fit the tone of the other lines. ALso, both "golden" and "precious" might be able to be replaced with even richer words with deeper connotations.

Agree on both counts.

 

[Raz]

Playing devil's advocate.....I like the "screw that" line myself. It's a nice juxtaposition, inserts a bit of down-to-earthness where it might otherwise seem quite up in the air.

I do agree that the tranquil dragon line is the core of it though.

 

[wesmdow]

thanks guys.. i updated it again if anyone cares to look at my changes..

 

[(Wordy)]

Yeah, to be honest I still prefer the original version (minus the last line)! It seems to flow better - it's more direct and natural somehow. What was it that the Beats used to preach about "First thought is best"? I don't necessarily subscribe to this view, but it can be difficult to maintain the mood and flow of a piece when revising.

This part is getting there, but if anything it's over-elaborate, and still too cliched for my liking:

occasionally a glimpse--
just a sliver--
of the sweet, calm serenety
as it swiftly glides past.

Basically I think you need to say this in a different way - maybe try brainstorming some slightly left-field metaphors?! I think it's the "sweet, calm serenity" part which is bugging me really - the rest could remain if that was rephrased in a more original way.

And also I don't think this line fits where you've put it:

the chase has to end, eventually.

There's now a large conceptual jump between that line and the last line, whereas in the original version I like the flow of this arrangement:

he cannot escape.
i wont allow it.

mine. foverer.mine.

I'd be interested to hear what everyone else thinks, but I say keep persevering. I know I'm being a bit of a harsh critic here, but that's because I think this poem is worth the attention. And remember, this is still a young poem anyway - 3 drafts isn't many in the scheme of things!

 

[wesmdow]

thats why im keeping this thread active. id like to be able to look at each draft and see how my thoughts progressed as i refined the poem.