Advice please, my first post

[Anxiety Girl]

I have generalised anxiety disorder, low mood and on off depression, social anxiety, insomina, agoraphobia and fibromyalgia

I've tried all types of antidepressants roughly 12-15 antidepressants, I started buying downer pills around 6 or 7 years ago and self medicating as antidepressants didn't work and I had very bad side effects, I was also prescribed tramadol, I got addicted to it and got hold of extra to top up my script, I was prescribed it for anxiety, I'd took a couple off someone and noticed it helped anxiety told a doctor and was allowed them as the doctor had no idea what to do with me, they have SNRI qualitys so they're like an antidepressants and really helped at first but stopped them and told my doctor not to prescribe them anymore, even though I'd only get 30 x 50mg every 6 weeks or so, I'd take 6 a day though but didn't tell her that I was using extra

Been on valium for years, few breaks when I moved onto something else to try and withdraw using that but end up back on valium, in the end it's made me so much worse, I was also taking opioids, like co codamol, tapentadol and I took a painkiller muscle relaxer called carisoprodol, also known as soma, this must of made me worse so stopped the painkillers and started tapering valium and only taking them before bed, which I took them for anyway, with odd one here and there in the day

I get nightmares on almost everything apart from valium, well I get them on that too now, it's every night I'm getting them, anxiety dreams, waking up drenched in sweat some days and my pills are not consistent, Indian brands never are, I used to get alot of underdosed ones but these are alot stronger than even prescrition ones, making it hard to taper from the last 10mg, that could be 20mg for all I know and I know my valium and these are overdosed, but legit I sent a sample to Wedinos

So all I've took these past 4 months is the valium, I've been really good, but the nightmares, which I hardly ever used to get on valium pissed me off so much I needed a break from them so yesterday I ordered 10 carisoprodol and 10 nitrazapam to take for sleep instead as I can't remember if they cause nightmares, so thought I'd try again, and they turned up today, nice fast delivery

Oh but addict me couldn't just wait till bedtime, no she had to go and take a carisoprodol which didn't work so she took another and is now kicking herself while thinking of taking another "to get rid of them" lol

Fuck me I ramble on I'm sorry, so the advice I want is, I really couldn't handle paws again like before when I'd suddenly stop and use a different pill, so I'm going by Ashton Manual as less chance of getting paws bad, but I'm doing the quicker option of 2.5mg every week or 2 it's how I got down to 10mg from 35-50mg, but now I'm on 10mg it's hard breaking the pills smaller than quarters and at around 5mg apparently you need to go very slow like 0.5mg a time, all this time having these fucking nightmares that make me want to flush the rest of my pills away, another thing if I break the pills up I might have valuim in one half and bunk in the other

I know I need to go slow but I can't cope with the nightmares and nocturnal anxiety, but if I stop I know it will be cold turkey and make me worse, I feel stuck, all I do is lay in bed all day as it is because of my fibromyalgia and mental health issues

Also have I fucked up my taper doing the soma today as I know I'll take more probably when I finish typing this

Sorry again for long post if you've got this far you get a imaginary gold star

Thanks

 

[Nurse Ratched]

So sorry to hear of your troubles. I have to re-read your post again to really get a handle on your experiences but what I wanted to jump right in now and say is ease up on the somas. If they are 350mg ones they are going to catch up with you and you will experience heavy sedation. Possible passing out, falling and hurting yourself due to being unsteady on your feet and extremely slurred speech.

You aren't Hippie flower fairie or faerie flower girl are you by any chance ? She was a great member here that we haven't heard from in awhile and your story sounds exactly like hers. Fibromyalgia, valium addiction, nightmares. nocturnal anxiety, and all of your troubles sound so much like hers that you could be twins.

If you drink a lot of tea ( like she did ) you are indeed her doppleganger.

I'll get back with ya after a bit. Gotta logoff for a few. But welcome to Bluelight my friend. Glad you are here.

 

[AbbeyLee]

Oh but addict me couldn't just wait till bedtime, no she had to go and take a carisoprodol which didn't work so she took another and is now kicking herself while thinking of taking another "to get rid of them" lol

Hey, welcome to BL..

The paragraph I quoted sounds sooo much like me. Everything else you've said is very similar too, apart from the Fibromyalgia.

I've been on and off benzos for thirty years and quite frankly I don't care if I'm on them for the rest of my life. I'm a recovering alcoholic and having some Valium is like a security blanket which reduces the likelihood of me drinking.

I don't know how to answer your question sorry. I just wanted to say hi and let you know I can relate to a lot of your post.

Bye for now..
Abbey xx

 

[Nurse Ratched]

So........I re-read your post and i am going to assume that tapering the benzos and eventually getting totally off is your end goal. Or am I off base?

Also, didn't mean to imply anything about you being like another member we had on here. Your story was just so similar and it gave me deja vu. I used to be Pumpkin2021 by the way. Nothing wrong with shedding old skin ( and usernames ) and becoming a butterfly.

If you had your wish on how to treat your anxiety how would you do it ? Long term I mean? Do you think that certain drugs do more harm than good?

 

[Anxiety Girl]

You aren't Hippie flower fairie or faerie flower girl are you by any chance ? She was a great member here that we haven't heard from in awhile

Yes it's me, I left to do my taper as being on here was triggering as I had just stopped the opioids and soma around the time I left, aww thanks for the compliment you made me smile, and the tea, yep PG tips lol

I thought I'd come back incognito to just ask this question before I'm sucked in again as I don't want to ruin my hard work, if I read certain things, like about opioids I might get temped but bless you you thought it could be me

I just swallowed a 4th 350mg soma as the last one didn't do anything and apparently the dosing on these are all over the place, loads of weak ones and duds as I was googling them

Well I only noticed an effect when the second one kicked in and it didn't last long at all, half hour if that, I've sent them to Wedinos before, they were legit last time and off same person

I won't take anymore, not even before bed, I'm such a dick, I feel normal yet feel I've ruined my taper now, dammit maybe I'll flush the last 6, and wake up tomorrow pissed off I flushed them lol

Just seen you replied as I am typing, you didn't imply, it is actually me, I'm impressed you was right tbh, well done

Yes getting off and staying off its my end goal, it's why this time I'm doing a proper taper instead of cross addiction as that for me has never worked in 7 years but because of my mental health and insomnia it's hard staying off pills so I don't know how to treat anxiety long term as I've tried therapy

All drugs have caused more me harm than good in the long run, my doctor has been right for years, you can't fix things with pills

 

[Nurse Ratched]

How cool to see you back. I read all your posts when you were active and followed your journey.

How is your Brother and your dad? Hows the ketamine issue?

Please don't stick around if this place triggers you. I know the feeling. I'm clean over 2 years and still crave sometimes after reading some posts.

People think i am pulling their leg when I say that I read and remember a lot of the board. You just proved me right my love and as soon as i read your post I thought of you. Wonderful to hear from you. PG tips is the bomb !! Remember when I told you i didn't like earl Grey and you told me to try Lady Grey. I did.......and I liked it better.

 

[Anxiety Girl]

I've been on and off benzos for thirty years and quite frankly I don't care if I'm on them for the rest of my life

If they carried on working like they do at the start, without needing to increase my dose and if I knew my supply wouldn't run out I used to think I would stay on them independently too, but being on them has made me so much worse this time around, especially when I was on 35-50mg and taking painkillers too, that was a kick up the ass to come off

Well done for stopping the drink, my mum is an alcoholic, not strong stuff mainly beer and cider, or anything she gets offered tbh

As long as you don't take them every day and increase them I don't see an issue as like you say it's good to have them near by incase you feel the need to take them

Thanks for the reply, it's nice chat to people that have similar mental health issues to me

 

[AbbeyLee]

If they carried on working like they do at the start, without needing to increase my dose and if I knew my supply wouldn't run out I used to think I would stay on them independently too, but being on them has made me so much worse this time around, especially when I was on 35-50mg and taking painkillers too, that was a kick up the ass to come off

Well done for stopping the drink, my mum is an alcoholic, not strong stuff mainly beer and cider, or anything she gets offered tbh

As long as you don't take them every day and increase them I don't see an issue as like you say it's good to have them near by incase you feel the need to take them

Thanks for the reply, it's nice chat to people that have similar mental health issues to me

Thanks

The thing with me and addictions is they are SO psychological, and the thing about psychological addiction is we don't really know how real it is The mind/body relationship is so poorly understood.

I just know I feel more secure with them and last year when I got cut off by the doctor without any warning I ended up in ICU with "alcohol toxicity" within a month or so.


I am interested in the nightmares you have.. Do you want to say more about those?

 

[Anxiety Girl]

How is your Brother and your dad?

That must be someone else, I mentioned my son, he's almost 20 now has a new job, smokes weed, was still telling me off for doing ketamine before I quit, I had to stop as I got a perma tolerance, it does nothing anymore, sniffed 2 grams in hours and got a blocked nose, yet streaming nose and a headache, I kept buying it thinking it might work if it's a different batch, but no so I don't do it anymore, waaaah now I shall sulk as I miss it

Oh yeah the Earl Grey I remember lol, well I got sick of it, it was rank in the end I couldn't drink it anymore, it reminds me of purfume now

You've got a good memory, mine sucks unless it's bad shit, then my brain likes to throw that in my face

2 years clean that's brilliant what was you on? Good for you sticking around to help other, and not getting tempted by reading stuff on here

 

[Anxiety Girl]

I am interested in the nightmares you have.. Do you want to say more about those?

They range from stuff I've seen on TV to things going on in real life or my past but I can't quite explain it, it's as if the nightmares and bad dreams cause anxiety when I'm asleep which wake me up and because I'm rudely woke up I remember them, normally people don't remember their dreams, but if you wake up at a certain point in the sleep cycle you remember them, then when I fall back to sleep I fall back into bad dreams, I had to wash my covers yesterday as I woke up drenched in sweat, and because of the quality of sleep that's interrupted, or if I can't sleep for ages I'm so tired the next day I struggle to wake up so I'm in and out of bad dreams for an hour or two more, waking up falling asleep over and over, or if it's been a crap insomnia night and I nap in the day it's not much different then too, just not as bad

I can't believe your doctor stopped your valium without tapering, which is made worse because you was in recovery, hope he got a warning, probably not though

 

[Nurse Ratched]

That must be someone else, I mentioned my son, he's almost 20 now has a new job, smokes weed, was still telling me off for doing ketamine before I quit, I had to stop as I got a perma tolerance, it does nothing anymore, sniffed 2 grams in hours and got a blocked nose, yet streaming nose and a headache, I kept buying it thinking it might work if it's a different batch, but no so I don't do it anymore, waaaah now I shall sulk as I miss it

Oh yeah the Earl Grey I remember lol, well I got sick of it, it was rank in the end I couldn't drink it anymore, it reminds me of purfume now

You've got a good memory, mine sucks unless it's bad shit, then my brain likes to throw that in my face

2 years clean that's brilliant what was you on? Good for you sticking around to help other, and not getting tempted by reading stuff on here

Ok yeah, now i remember you talking about your Son. Too funny about the perfume taste.....I agree wholeheartedly. So sorry that you remember more of the bad stuff but it's par for the course for some of us. I used to dwell on my shitty past until i dropped that ball and chain in the gutter and learned to love myself again. And yes I finally did get clean but it took me all my life to do it and I wasted my " good years " ( between 30 and 60 ) so I'm no real prize winner but I thank you for saying the congrats. I took pills ( all orally ) and pretty much whatever i could get my hands on. Painkillers, benzos, soma, lyrica, muscle relaxers. If they took me down I was all for it. Self medicated anxiety and depression like many on here do.

 

[AbbeyLee]

They range from stuff I've seen on TV to things going on in real life or my past but I can't quite explain it, it's as if the nightmares and bad dreams cause anxiety when I'm asleep which wake me up and because I'm rudely woke up I remember them, normally people don't remember their dreams, but if you wake up at a certain point in the sleep cycle you remember them, then when I fall back to sleep I fall back into bad dreams, I had to wash my covers yesterday as I woke up drenched in sweat, and because of the quality of sleep that's interrupted, or if I can't sleep for ages I'm so tired the next day I struggle to wake up so I'm in and out of bad dreams for an hour or two more, waking up falling asleep over and over, or if it's been a crap insomnia night and I nap in the day it's not much different then too, just not as bad

I can't believe your doctor stopped your valium without tapering, which is made worse because you was in recovery, hope he got a warning, probably not though

It was Mogadon (nitrazepam) not Valium at that point.. So it was stronger. Thing is, the Australian govt just kept cracking down on everything.. Except alcohol I think the pharmacists copped it too, but I'm not sure. So I don't fully blame the doctor.

I can relate to the dreaming and the chaotic sleep patterns. How old are you? Obviously you don't have to answer that!

 

[Anxiety Girl]

pretty much whatever i could get my hands on. Painkillers, benzos, soma, lyrica, muscle relaxers. If they took me down I was all for it. Self medicated anxiety and depression like many on here do

Yes same, downers all the way I don't like uppers, but I had a bad experience on pregabalin passed out in the woods after taking a whole strip as they just wouldn't work, I'd slur but didn't feel them in my head, and I don't drink but I did on those as the person I was hanging out with was drinking, that's another pill I won't touch again, they turned me into a different person the few weeks I took them for

Zopiclone was one of the worse, such bad depression while on those the last time, was addicted to it a couple of times, but the last time was very dark, very bad, mirtazapine too the last time I was I was on it

I'd buy bottles of oramoroth when I could get that, I've had oxymorm liquid and tablets, mst tablets they was shite, zomorth, oxys for ten days started on 40mg soon got up to 80mg, bad reaction opposite of what I wanted made me feel like I'd had uppers,, flushed the rest, then when I went to buy more after craving them the only source I knew had been busted, I'd wanted to try those for so long and finally found a seller, but not for long, probably a good thing lol, cold water extraction on co codamol, combining different downer pills, bought poppy pods, tried opium too, so many opioids I didn't like though as found them stimulating, tried subs one, fuck me never again I only took a small amount was so ill, the only opiate that wasn't stimulating was heroin but been clean off that for about 21 years, back then it actually had heroin in it lol

 

[Anxiety Girl]

I can relate to the dreaming and the chaotic sleep patterns. How old are you? Obviously you don't have to answer that

After posting I remembered I forgot to say, alot of my nightmares are random and fucked up, some so horrific I've woke up and flushed pills never to buy again, last one I won't ever buy is tapentadol, in one nightmare I was pregnant and had my stomach hacked off, other nightmares are about animals, I'm trying to save them, when I was with my ex I'd often dream I couldn't use my phone to get hold of him, the whole nightmare was me trying to look in my contacts and I just couldn't find his name, can't remember others, just I know they are a head fuck

I tried l theanine too and had nightmares on that, that was so bad I stopped those too, thought it would help my taper, nope

Also coming off meds like sleeping pills I'd have drug dreams, I wouldn't get high in my dreams I'd go to use the drug and wake up or loose the drugs, the other night I dreamt I bought a huge bag of K but most of it was polistyrine balls lol, fucking pissed me off waking up after drug dreams where I'd search all through my dream for say ketamine but never got the chance to do any, it made me want to use so strange as some was heroin dreams and I've not touched heroin for 21 years as I wanted a baby so got clean

I took 4 somas today and nearly 2 hours 10mg nitrazapam as I looked up a benzodiazepine equivalent chart and 10mg is same as 10mg valium, but I'm wide awake, knowing this is the 4th different brand of nitrazapam I've tried and all was shite, some even causing insomina, and yep, sent them to be tested in the past and they came back as nitrazapam, I just thought this brand might be better, not sure if I should take another or stay awake longer, or all sodden night, and just nap tomorrow as I'm worried I'm ruining my taper

I'm 42, I only got bad on the pills in the last few years, obviously my son comes first and they made my anxiety better at the start but I wouldn't gouch out, you might call it nod if you are in America so he didn't notice anything, he knows I take sleeping tablets and knows I'm cutting down, don't help he's still out and he finished work at midnight it's now 1:45am, he's with his boyfriend probably having a drink but I just worry too much, I sleep better knowing he's home

Just found out he finished work late, see I overthink everything, my profile pic sums me up "anxiety girl, able to jump to the worse conclusion in a single bound"

 

[Snafu in the Void]

Hello old friend, hippie, nice to see you again

I hate to be that annoying guy but have you considered aerobic exercise? I am the indubitably anxious person and try to deal with it without alcohol or durgs, and jogging helps so damn much. It helps better than drugs in the long run, being completely honest, but yeah takes some effort to at least get into the routine.

I'll always be that annoying guy recommending exercise. It's a great supplement towards a taper.

 

[Lil'LinaptkSix]

t's hard breaking the pills smaller than quarters and at around 5mg apparently you need to go very slow like 0.5mg

Study up on volumetric dosage. And also study on how to disolve the benzo it is a process. Hot water baths and shaking many times til there are no particulates in solution.
Basically one would disolve the pills in a solution and either use a 1ml oral syringe or a dropper to dose.
Benzos disolve best in fats (PG, glycerine etc) or alcohol (I personally use alcohol and have ratios at 1mg/ml or 20 drops) so ya see if 1mg is 20 drops I can use 1 drop and it would be roughly .05mg of bzd.
Hope this is helpful in your taper of diazepam.

 

[lolis my thesis]

Hi Im new to here; but I have chronic pain that's been called fibromyalgia and can stay in bed for days during a flare up. Ive been on lots if not all of the drugs you mention; but benzos and weed have been the hardest for me to discontinue; but Im also on a steady dose of Methadone, still on clonazepam, lyrica, and lamictil plus Wellbutrin. I have some crazy dreams; not exactly nightmares. I notice for me; one thing about weed is that I didn't seem to remember my dreams at all. Which is why I quit because I like to dream but if you don't maybe weed could help you? They made it legal here so you can get edibles or any preparation you could imagine. Our state is filled with weed snobs; if its outdoor grown buds nobody wants it

I have a 21 year old son and he works in the morning so I wish he was home even though its only 6:20 pm here. I know he drinks beer; and is drinking now and every other day; but I like that he works the past three years, right now he's down at the river after work with his alcohol buddy. I can say he and I both did quit weed so that's great. He partied all thru high school; never came home it seemed. So I am worried about him right now and wish he was home so I can be sure he goes to work tomorrow; or much worse, got in trouble.
He has a warrant for his arrest so if the police stop his friend he goes to jail. Its a drink driving charge; so at least he does not drive himself and is not a hazard on the road.
Depression and anxiety is the pits; especially made worse if you have chronic pain!

 

[Anxiety Girl]

I hate to be that annoying guy but have you considered aerobic exercise?

Hello to you too, nice to hear off you

I can't do exercise as it causes fibro flair and as fibromyalgia causes fatigue I ain't got the energy, I can't stand up for long or sit up strait for long, I lay down propped up on pillows in or on my bed, even walking to a shop wears me out, I used to walk for miles, I'm getting worse the older I get lol

I know exercise releases endorphins though, runners high etc so I see your point, it's highly recommended for people staying off drink and drugs, but I couldn't even run if I was being chased by a muderer, I ran for a bus once before my fibromyalgia got bad and I thought my lungs was going to explode, they legit felt like they was burning, it was les than 30 seconds of running lol

 

[lolis my thesis]

I agree on the exercise bit it helps me; even the teensiest bit so as to not trigger a flare up. I walked and swam today; even though my neck hurts. Its, for me at least, better than all the antidrepressants in the world that I know of.
But chronic fatigue gets me alot of the time too.

 

[Snafu in the Void]

I know exercise releases endorphins though, runners high etc so I see your point, it's highly recommended for people staying off drink and drugs, but I couldn't even run if I was being chased by a muderer, I ran for a bus once before my fibromyalgia got bad and I thought my lungs was going to explode, they legit felt like they was burning, it was les than 30 seconds of running lol

runners high is fine and all, but it's the other benefits which reduce anxiety... the act of running itself and how I feel for 1 hour afterwards is not why I run, doing it consistently has major benefits people just don't understand unless they tried it

I also run WITH the drugs and booze, I will drink 18 units of alcohol, wake up hungover and run 10km, feeling like your chest is on fire/burning/hurting/tight is normal (gotta push through that)

although I guess I'm lucky, and I'm in my mid 30s and probably can't put that much stress on my body much longer

I also don't have fibromyalgia