Advice and Opinions - Have I Fucked This Beyond Repair?

[-=SS=-]

So I was seeing this girl, 24, who has suffered numerous things in her life so far and is prone to episodes of depression. Things were going really well, we got really close and really fast. Met her about a dozen times, spent most of those times in bed talking and being close. Anyway, being the moron I am I mentioned my ex's name several times over those meetings. I know, classic mistake. The comments were not talking about my ex in a positive light however.. I genuinely had no feelings for my ex at all. She went on holiday by herself (booked this before she met me), and when she came back she said she'd been thinking and said I was not over my ex, that it was "sad" and "as much as it hurts me I can only be a friend to you".

I panicked. I began trying to explain through messages why she was wrong. Called her, talked, said she would come see me the following week. Next week she's been busy and hasn't had time to think. I panic again, send 2-3 messages trying to explain further. Basically in the end she felt like I was "bombarding" her with messages, though in reality these are whatsapp messages. She says she adores me, cares for me. Then I say I was going to ask you to be in a relationship with me when you got back from holiday. She said "I would have". Then blocked me there and on facebook, though she hasn't barred my number.

I mentioned my ex because she was my first relationship, 2.5 years, that ended with her cheating on me in a threesome. As you can imagine that was pretty fucking devastating to find out. I know in my heart I was over her before meeting this girl, though the pain of being stabbed like that remained. Apparently I had been saying her name in my sleep according to this girl, which obviously combined with the name dropping made her think I wasn't over my ex.

She said because she is prone to episodes of depression and that because this thought will linger in her mind she had to make that decision. Despite her blocking me I know she likes me, and she knows I really like her. I bought flowers half way across London for her when she was feeling down for example, and numerous other gestures.

My question is, is this situation repairable? Obviously the only recourse I have now is to not contact her for a period of time, and either she will make contact again.. or she won't and I will cave and try and contact her after say 1-2 months? I really like this girl, she is worth waiting for.

 

[-=SS=-]

*bump*

I really would appreciate the words of those who've suffered from episodes of depression or have been with those who've suffered from it. What is the best way to handle this situation?

 

[malakaix]

She went on holiday by herself (booked this before she met me), and when she came back she said she'd been thinking and said I was not over my ex, that it was "sad" and "as much as it hurts me I can only be a friend to you".

Is it just me or does it seem rather convenient that she told you this 'after' coming back from holiday and using the fact you mentioned your ex as justification for breaking it off with you, so it appears as though your at fault here.. rather then her taking the responsibility that her feelings may of changed while on holiday. I don't know, maybe im just overly-suspicious when it comes to people explaining how they feel with honesty..

I panicked. I began trying to explain through messages why she was wrong. Called her, talked, said she would come see me the following week. Next week she's been busy and hasn't had time to think. I panic again, send 2-3 messages trying to explain further. Basically in the end she felt like I was "bombarding" her with messages, though in reality these are whatsapp messages. She says she adores me, cares for me. Then I say I was going to ask you to be in a relationship with me when you got back from holiday. She said "I would have". Then blocked me there and on facebook, though she hasn't barred my number.

My question is, is this situation repairable? Obviously the only recourse I have now is to not contact her for a period of time, and either she will make contact again.. or she won't and I will cave and try and contact her after say 1-2 months? I really like this girl, she is worth waiting for.

You need to reclaim your power and authority in this situation, she knows she has you.. don't contact her again, wait for her to contact you.. easier said then done but you've explained yourself and that's as much as you can do, it's up to her to accept or reject that.. but the more your message her the more it will start to look like begging and emotionally dependent and that's the quickest way to turn a girl off.

Note: The whole "I would have" and then blocked on Facebook seems rather immature and dramatic; she might be interested to see what you do.. if you'll chase her and beg her for another chance (which is bullshit because you didn't do anything wrong and she knows this.. but it'll demonstrate what kind of person you are) or if you'll explain yourself and leave it at that.. therefore putting the ball in her court and showing that you wont be manipulated.

In short: i think this is repairable.. but it has to be on your own terms, maintain self control and don't contact her. And if/when she contacts you.. re-iterate your explanation, but don't apologize because from what i've read you did nothing that warrants it.

Obviously you know this girl better then i do.. and you'll have a particular way of handling the situation, but the key principles remain.

 

[-=SS=-]

I wish I knew what she was thinking when she was on holiday.. my female friend suggested that having that time alone allowed her depressive thoughts to get the better of her. The last status I saw on facebook though was her talking about what she was looking forward to now after having had a dream come true (going to Japan).. and she said "life.". It all seemed very upbeat and happy.

I know she likes me.. during the attempts to message and explain it came across that she does feel for me, it's just the idea that I'm not over my ex will push her into a depressive state so she's "had to take some steps back". She said she's been in this position before with one of her ex's, who was not over his ex. She never told me this when I mentioned my ex those times. She did tell me not to say one other word because of the connection to when she was raped and made a big deal of it.. which worked.. I never said it again.

It's all very frustrating and upsetting as I adore her so much.

 

[mabzie55]

Uh Wat.

Sounds like that's 100% an excuse she is using.

 

[lola]

Hold on, so you're not allowed to say some word because it triggers a memory (instead of her working on her trauma and getting on with life). You're not allowed to ever mention your ex around her, which means editing out a massive part of your life (WTF?) because it makes her anxious and this might maker her depressed. So, again, instead of her working on her issues and getting on with life she decides you're "not over your ex" - without checking with you - then cuts you off? She sounds like she needs lots of therapy, and she sounds like someone you'll need to tiptoe around for the rest of your life for fear you might "trigger" her "delicate feelings" about, ahem, EVERYTHING.

You've had a lucky escape there, if you ask me. I know it sounds harsh but I'm a mental health professional; everyone has their issues, but we all try to take some some responsibility for getting better. She just uses it as an excuse to treat people like shit.

 

[-=SS=-]

Hold on, so you're not allowed to say some word because it triggers a memory (instead of her working on her trauma and getting on with life). You're not allowed to ever mention your ex around her, which means editing out a massive part of your life (WTF?) because it makes her anxious and this might maker her depressed. So, again, instead of her working on her issues and getting on with life she decides you're "not over your ex" - without checking with you - then cuts you off? She sounds like she needs lots of therapy, and she sounds like someone you'll need to tiptoe around for the rest of your life for fear you might "trigger" her "delicate feelings" about, ahem, EVERYTHING.

You've had a lucky escape there, if you ask me. I know it sounds harsh but I'm a mental health professional; everyone has their issues, but we all try to take some some responsibility for getting better. She just uses it as an excuse to treat people like shit.

That's an interesting opinion, I appreciate that. There's something really sweet about her though, like she's been through a lot and it's obviously affecting her still.. and I think maybe she has a tendency to push people away because she's afraid/sad inside. I don't know.. she was really affectionate when we were seeing each other and maybe that's blinding me to how she really is. I just wish I could talk to her and find out what's going on in her mind.

 

[keeping]

perhaps she is projecting her negative experiences of her last relationship onto you.
she may be catastrophizing. little things can really haunt you when you are depressed; it's hard to shake something off whens its already under your skin. she could be so scared of losing you that her fear is pushing you away - there really is nothing more isolating than mental illness.

i admit the timing of the holiday is a little convenient, but I wouldn';t want to make any flippant comments about that not knowing either if you particularly well. I have had a lot of mental health issues though so i cold help there.

the best you can do is you let her know you will be there; not as a lover, an acquaintance, a confidant - as one human being to another. let her know how much you really just want to see her happy, and give her space. be near, but far enough for her to clear her head a bit (contradictory i know).

if you ever feel down yourself feel free to PM me or whatever, I'm from London too! I'm also super-high right now, but inbox me and I'll be sure to get back to you.

it sounds like you really care for her, i wish you the best.

K

 

[-=SS=-]

Thanks Keeping, appreciate your post and your offer

The holiday was booked way before she first met me, it's something she's always wanted to do. All I know is she didn't talk to anyone whilst she was away (she mentioned this), though we exchanged a couple of super brief messages on whatsapp. When she came back she didn't say anything for a couple of days and I thought maybe she just wanted to enjoy the post-holiday happiness or something.

When I asked why she was being quiet after a couple of days she said "I've been trying to contact but have been having trouble". I assumed she meant her phone as it's a bit dodgy.. but now that I look back at the messages I'm wondering if she was feeling depressed? I replied about whether she was ok/post-holiday bliss and she said "It's all good. I think I needed the time alone really.". So you've been thinking about us? "I've been thinking about a lot of things to be honest".. "I adore you to bits but you haven't gotten over your ex which is sad".

*ugh*

Now I'm wondering whether I've misread the situation and pushed her away when all she needed was some space. I don't know. This whole thing has made me realize again just how much I hate instant messaging. There is no substitute for face to face talking. The problem is that she doesn't live close atm so I couldn't visit her.

 

[pentouch]

Hey SS,clearly you are obsessed with this chick. Its sucks that she blocked you on facebook..seems like it didnt take much to do it for her dunno. Im not an expert but dealing with same situations like yours,I think a little chase is always healthy ..not messaging,tho..more like you said face to face meetings,suprises,little acts that shows all your interest and at the same time are not stalkerish,its really good. Because one:women are ment to be chased around ,but not in manner of a fan and admirer ,more like fun and own interest..like you know,being a man,standing own ground,and two :you shouldnt sit still,when your heart is clearly demanding some action,but dont take it too far,because you dont know this human very well and its not natural to throw your life away for someone who doesnt care much,also its a turn-off for girls I guess if you show shame and guilt if theres nothing you done wrong... You know what I mean? I think you can repair it,dont try too hard,dont push,take time and chose the moment and act,show you are over your ex,and you are not over it with her..if she persists with that attitude,she doesnt like you and making excuses

 

[-=SS=-]

Pentouch: Obsessed is a bit strong. I mean I really like her, I think we'd do well and be good for each other, but if she's made her mind up and never wants to see me again I'd get over it. It's just there's so many crap people out there, from both sexes.. so to find someone you like, even if it may not work out in the long run, it's still worth fighting for you know? I will admit I'm attracted to people who've been through a lot or suffered pain because it tends to deepen them a bit, they're not as shallow as most people.. this goes for women and people I wish to have as close friends.

She works in a big retail complex and that's the only place I could physically bump into her, but I don't want to do that. I know she hates working there and I wouldn't want to have her worrying that I'm a stalker and freak her out. I mean I want to talk to her, if only as person to person just to understand what's going on with her..

I will give it a few weeks and if she hasn't got back in contact I'll message/phone her. What else can I do :/

 

[lola]

That's an interesting opinion, I appreciate that. There's something really sweet about her though, like she's been through a lot and it's obviously affecting her still.. and I think maybe she has a tendency to push people away because she's afraid/sad inside. I don't know.. she was really affectionate when we were seeing each other and maybe that's blinding me to how she really is. I just wish I could talk to her and find out what's going on in her mind.

I am not disputing that she's been through a lot, or that she's depressed (which means she needs help), or that she has many sweet sides.

What I am saying is that she isn't taking responsibility for the way her behaviour affects others, sounds she always makes it about her. And this is not a good sign because it shows a self-centred tendency and lack of empathy. Let me ask you these questions:

1. Has she ever considered your feelings about all of this, for example whether her behaviour/way she broke things off has hurt or upset you? Or has it all been about her feelings?

2. Did she give you a chance to explain the situation about your ex, or did she simply decide what the reality is without asking you how you feel, as though your point of view isn't relevant or valid?

3. If you stayed together, how many things would you not be allowed to talk about? It's already the word you're not allowed to mention, plus any reference to your ex. And you'd be worried about what you say in your sleep and try to edit out 2.5 years of your life. Wanna bet that the list of things you're not allowed to say/do/think/feel/dream about will continue to grow exponentially? And how long do you think it would take until you're constantly watching your every word and getting increasingly anxious about not upsetting her, because she's so very sensitive and thinks everything should work around her? Is his a healthy foundation for a relationship?

4. Were you needs - emotional or otherwise - fully met in this relationship? Did she make as much effort, look after you emotionally and care about the way her behaviour affected you?

... just sayin'. But obviously this is all hypothetical and I would be very happy to be proven wrong!

 

[pentouch]

Yeah man I was exaggerating ..but I meant in a good way,you wonder and you wonder,what she is about :D
I think nothing stalkerish if you meet her after work (romantic?) , if you spend all week thinking about her. Just be honest about your feelings...stalkerish is more about attitude I think,dont ask right of the bat like "WHATS UP WHATS UP HUH?",be natural and be humble..after all I think messaging isnt only you can do,its the least you can do,and that way it isnt a good option,maybe she misses your voice,or your face, that stuff you know? Listen to John Lennon - Imagine ,haha maybe grab some flowers and act ..you may say Im a dreamer,but Im not the only one,I hope some day youll join uuus :D:D

 

[Mysterie]

it looks like she just needed some space, i would keep trying to reach out to her every 2 weeks or something. it sounds like she took you bringing up your ex personally, if she is that reactive, and is prone to depressive states, this relationship could be pretty dramatic and turbulant.

and you seem like a very balanced and chill dude so just a heads up.

 

[-=SS=-]

it looks like she just needed some space, i would keep trying to reach out to her every 2 weeks or something. it sounds like she took you bringing up your ex personally, if she is that reactive, and is prone to depressive states, this relationship could be pretty dramatic and turbulant.

and you seem like a very balanced and chill dude so just a heads up.

Appreciate your comment, but looking back on how I handled the situation I could have done it better. I think I came across as needy and too apologetic. I was thinking the 2 week mark maybe yeh, just a simple "hope you're well" message or something? The thing with the depressive states.. she did say once "why would you want to be with someone like me?".. but there's this sweetness about her that I really dig. I mean nearly all of the times we met up she travelled 2 hours by bus to come see me. I offered to come to hers but she lives with her mum.. and that just wasn't happening lol.

1. Has she ever considered your feelings about all of this, for example whether her behaviour/way she broke things off has hurt or upset you? Or has it all been about her feelings?

2. Did she give you a chance to explain the situation about your ex, or did she simply decide what the reality is without asking you how you feel, as though your point of view isn't relevant or valid?

3. If you stayed together, how many things would you not be allowed to talk about? It's already the word you're not allowed to mention, plus any reference to your ex. And you'd be worried about what you say in your sleep and try to edit out 2.5 years of your life. Wanna bet that the list of things you're not allowed to say/do/think/feel/dream about will continue to grow exponentially? And how long do you think it would take until you're constantly watching your every word and getting increasingly anxious about not upsetting her, because she's so very sensitive and thinks everything should work around her? Is his a healthy foundation for a relationship?

4. Were you needs - emotional or otherwise - fully met in this relationship? Did she make as much effort, look after you emotionally and care about the way her behaviour affected you?

1 & 2: The times I dropped my ex's name she asked me not to mention her again, not in a blunt way though (or I would have remembered not to say her name again). I do think she could have diffused the situation by simply asking me to explain my position, which I would have been more than happy to do.. and which I tried to do after she decided I wasn't over my ex. I said my ex's name because I'm an idiot/relationship/dating noob, because we were in the same room I shared with my ex for a whole year, because my memories/habits were limited over the past 2.5 years and I'm a generally simple guy. The idea that I'm still feeling for my ex is kind of insulting, given that she cheated on me in a threesome after everything I did for her.

3. I get your point here. Obviously I can't project and see how this would all unfold, but I (would like) to suspect it's just the word related to her rape experience, and possible trigger words for similarly dark experiences. To be honest I don't mind moderating the first word, it's a cuss word and I wouldn't miss it. The ex thing.. well, if she'd let me tell my story and talk me through it firstly it would go a long way to helping me release the pain my ex caused me through her actions, and second it would mean I wouldn't need to talk about her again ever anyway.

4. We only met a dozen or so times so again it's difficult to say. She travelled 2 hours by bus to come see me most of the times we saw each other, and she did call me a couple of times to see how I was and such. Again with so little time spent together it's difficult to extrapolate and analyze her behavior really.


My impression was that despite all her pain and suffering there's something really lovely about her. I could be wrong and just seeing what I want to see, but I don't think I would have been as upset as I was about losing the situation with her if she was bad.

 

[Mysterie]

just remember that you won't be able to change how she thinks, feels, acts and reacts. if she is in unhealthy levels of personality most of the time, she would have to do some inner work in order to see through her own thoughts.

it can be painful to be in a relationship with someone who will push you away and then pull you back in systematically over the course of time. she probably wants someone to rescue her, and you probably love her enough to rescue her (emotionally i guess). buut i can just see the relationship being toxic from what you've said. i don't want to try and jinx the relationship or convince you of anything, i just think you should proceed with your eyes open and not get blinded by strong emotional connection or w/e because she might drag you down with her into a pit of despair, or you will hurt her feelings (unknowingly) and she will lash out back at you 10x.

 

[-=SS=-]

This is all true mysterie. But then are there any relationships that aren't toxic? Everyone around my age seems to be fucked in the head one way or another.. all my female friends have suffered some form of abuse during their life, and it seems every new woman I meet has similar stories to tell, which is quite upsetting and depressing really.

 

[Cuzie]

Man, you really want to repair this relationship? I mean, yeah, no one wants to hear about their partner's ex. But at the same time, spending your time tip toeing around your other's feelings sounds like a whole lot of unnecessary baggage.

 

[Mysterie]

i've always viewed relationships pretty simply, if you are psychologically and spiritually healthy, and love yourself, and the other person is the same way, then the relationship can work, (++ = +), (+- = -) . even just through sex if you open yourself up to that degree to someone elses auric field and energetic system, if they have lots of negative karma or whatever then it will start to affect you through sex, which is why you want to be on the same wavelength with people in relationships, or at least similar levels.

i am just trying to be celibate atm, i haven't really seen anyone in my social circles who is into spiritual development or has similar values to me.

do you go to any meditation groups or workshops/talks on spirituality or things like that. you could find someone who has done some healing etc i think if you waited and found like minded people.

 

[-=SS=-]

Cuzie & Mysterie: I understand both your points. But again, where do you find people who aren't fucked in the head? It seems everyone is so you might as well just find someone who is compatible in some way and fulfills the needs you have. She had been through a lot, was poor, stressed, working a dead end job.. but she had the qualities I really care about: Someone who's seen through all this bullshit and is strong inside, is affectionate, enjoys silence and less talking.

I guess I could try meditation/spirituality groups.. but there tends to be something about people in those groups that turns me off. Like they're all spiritual and everything but still neurotic as any other person.