Another point of agreement. Thankfully we don't have such reliance and emphasis put on the 12 Step thing here in Blighty - it's actually a bit fringe (not to mention cringe) for the most part (at least in my experience) - but there's still a great deal of influence that stems from the 12 Step approach no matter how much evidence there is to stack against it. Great if it works for you, for the vast majority it doesn't and never will. Abstinence is neither feasible nor desirable for a great many addicts, and it certainly is not the only approach to dealing with an addiction. For myself, and essentially everybody I've known, that's an unrealistic target that simply prevents a person from having any interest or desire to go even part of the way because that's never presented as an option - it's all or nothing and comes riddles with guilt-tripping all the way. I don't think that's a realistic or even desirable approach to addiction. Harm Reduction is an ideal I hold dearly. Harm Elimination is a pipe dream for the vast majority I know of. Perhaps at some point down the line, perhaps not. Lumping all drug use under the same banner is simply not helpful. There is a difference between smoking a bit of weed of an evening or popping a few pills at a party and going out day in day out hustling up money for habits. There's a big difference and that's never taken into account with the 12 Step approach. That and it simply doesn't work and is actively harmful in the majority of instances.
Interesting. I wasn't aware that the general perception of AA/NA wasn't as 'favorable' is it is in the States. Lol, even when I tried to give it a go, I still found it rather 'cringe' myself, not to mention depressing and disillusioning. The people who generally rise to dominance in such groups don't gain that power for the correct reasons on many occasions. I even had my so-called 'sponsor' call me up and verbally assault me b/c I dared miss a meeting (had a legit reason for it, too) and I had the gall to not alert her to my every physical and mental choice of action. Sheesh. Anyway, that's just a minor gripe. I agree with you that, regardless of whether it's seen as an 'aww, gee, good for you"/pat on the back solution like in the US or as a bit more stigmatized like you said it was in the UK, the general principles trickle down into drug treatment facilities, counselors, outpatient groups, and just the general fabric of how people think addictions can and should be handled. I think abstinence, in most cases, sets such an unrealistic (and like you said, harmful) precedent that it sets people up for failure, and then the resulting self-loathing sense of defeat that is sure to follow. And guess what comes back? The need to kill those feelings by way of that individual's greatest weakness. I agree HR is the only way. Harm elimination is impossible, b/c risk is always there under many guises. I also think the way addicts are misunderstood or judged by those who don't have any experience (including some 'professionals' I've dealt with) plays a big role in this. I remember reading the comments on DM after Phillip Seymore Hoffman died and it was absolutely disgusting. 99.9% of them were more or less spouting vile, ignorant sanctimony about how he was 'weak' or an 'idiot' or that it wasn't a loss b/c it was 'just another junkie, oh well'. And those were the more palatable comments. So societal blame shifting and stigmatizing is has a long way to go before it evolves, though I don't think it ever will. Most people don't want to acknowledge that it happens all the time in their neighborhood, to their peers who are hiding it, or even in their own families. Dishonesty and denial, to me, are the most dangerous toxins to the understanding and treatment of addiction out there.
And again. I had to cut all ties with everybody I knew (including fiancée of five years - she wasn't ready to quit so had to be quit) and move to another country to break the ties. Admittedly that other country was only next door to the other one and part of the same overall country so not quite as dramatic as it sounds, but still a complete break with enough physical distance between to make returns a significant enough thing that they'd have to be very much pre-planned and firm decisions rather than whims. Is an unfortunate and little spoken of aspect of addict culture - the way fellow addicts will go out of their way to draw you back to the fold. Yes there is support for trying to quit, should anybody come close to actually succeeding in quitting there tends to be a very different atmosphere though. That's when you get people offering freebies, turning up with stuff to share when they never normally would and so on. My theory has always been that it happens because it brings the whole addiction/quitting thing into far too sharp a focus for people who are too caught up in the former aspect. It demonstrates that there is a way out and it is entirely possible - even amongst your peergroup. It forces questions of why one can and others are not despite near-universal protestations of desire to quit. It makes quitting a reality rather than a topic of endless lamentation. It takes away the excuses and shows them falsehoods.
Agreed as well. I am sorry to hear you had to cut ties with your fiancee. I can't fathom how difficult that must have been. But balancing a relationship when substance use is growing to a destructive place is near impossible. And when there is a strong emotional tie there, it becomes far more complicated. I've moved around a lot myself and god changed my phone, email, home in the name of self preservation. It's hard. I've had people I've used with say they'd support me once I told them I can't do it anymore, but then get a call or text days later luring me back in. One in particular called on my birthday with a 'present' within a week of me trying to instate a boundary. When I told him this was innappropriate, he then got verbally abusive and put the blame on me and that I had insulted him. I don't mean to make this about myself, however, I just agree it's a slippery slope and even people with decent intentions can get those distorted when drugs are playing a role. Or someone has a moment of weakness. Or reminds them that their own situation ain't so stable or healthy or forward moving.
You seem very self-aware about where you are in your current attitudes regarding your personal limits, but the best thing one can do is talk and be honest - like you are doing. I get the self-imposed isolation thing, too. At times, I feel like I'm climbing the fucking walls, but it's better than where I was. The tricky part is now keeping the more benign substances I use in check, and I've even let that spiral out a bit too far at times. So again, not to sound like a broken record, this kind of openness is vital. As is honesty and awareness.
I just woke up, so I hope that didn't come off all DURRRR... But just wanted to get back to you. Found the parts about treatment attitudes particularly interesting. Thanks for sharing more about your history as well. (I forgot to add 'awkward' as well as 'ridiculously self-conscious' to my teenage description btw, haha.) It's helpful, I believe, in a cyclical sense to discuss all these layers. Anyway, cheers and hope all is well on this bright (at least where I am, lol, hope it's not overcast in your 'hood) day.
Best.
