Think I'd be one of the few foolish enough to have actively sought out heroin addiction. Sort of. It seemed like a viable "solution" to various problems at the time and when circumstance conspired to put me in a situation where there were abundant seemingly perfectly rational reasons for using strong opiates I think I was almost relieved. Gave me a good enough excuse to place the blame on circumstance alone and skirt over the fact I was secretly rather pleased about it.
I relate to this as well, and perhaps didn't want to admit it. I hope what you had quoted from my post didn't come off as ignorant or brash. It's such a complex tapestry of reasons that lead to addictions taking shape. If I'm honest with myself, I also in some sense sought out or was overly interested in drugs and drug culture from a young age. Like you, many of those I idolized growing up were vocal about their addictions or drug usage. I saw it on some level as a way to shape what I perceived my image was, as I was painfully shy and introverted as a teenager and grew to resent that and hate that about myself. So I'm just as guilty regarding wearing it as a badge for a bit in my youth, before it took a darker turn. I hope I didn't discredit or come off as dismissive, as what you said rings true for me as well.
I also had some very negative experiences with AA/NA, both b/c I resented many in those rooms at the time (no disrespect to anyone who it has helped or saved) and felt that in many cases it was the blind leading the blind. Maybe I just wasn't 'ready', but it never worked for me and I feel for some it becomes a sort of mask or crutch that can even detach them from self awareness. Plus, as a female, there are plenty of predatorial types who I've seen take advantage of vulnerable newcomers (had some try with me). Or you get power trippers or people just flat out lying about their sobriety - I did heroin for the first and only time with some people from the meetings (which I take my share of responsibility for, but I was also near bottom at that point.) Again, I know some find solace and help in these groups, but I don't think it's the only solution out there and I feel it is unfortunate that it is pushed so emphatically by everyone from therapists to the court system as the end all be all for treatment. I think those there need to be more progressive approaches, b/c I know at least for me it's something I'll always have to stay honest about. I still use drugs, but am at a different place not only in age but in self-awareness and connectivity to those I know I can be open with without them becoming 'Big Book' thumpers.
What worked best for me was cutting ties from those who I knew would suck me back in to my most dangerous weaknesses (freebase cocaine). B/C that got to the point where I literally felt death was lurking in my shadows and I was weakened mentally, physically, spiritually (and I'm agnostic, so I mean more in a 'being a whole, aware person' sense), and relationship wise. I think it's a line you have to learn how to walk and what substances you can still enjoy and which ones eat away at who you are in your core. It's hard to keep yourself in check all the time, so I had to find someone like my husband who could call my bluff and who I could be honest with. That made a massive impact on my life and gave me something greater than myself to live for. But everyone is different and has to find out what that is to them personally.
I don't know if I'm making sense, but I related to a lot of what you said and hope that came across. I also hope I didn't offend anyone who has been helped by support groups. Thank you in a sense for helping me admit that I too in certain regards sought drugs. I think it was a way for me to externalize why I felt so crap about myself and b/c I felt misunderstood by my peers. Then, well, you know the rest (or at least part of it).
Okay, I'm rambling now, but good post and good discussions here on this thread. Thanks to all for engaging in an interesting and honest dialog. Discussions like this I think are very important, not to mention refreshing. It's helped me, at the very least, and I hope others as well. Cheers.
![:\](https://bluelight.org/xf/BL_Images/Orig_Emoji/wrygrin.gif "wry grin :\")
