Is it possible that some people, like me, are addicted to suffer, to be depressed?
I was thinking this because for example, i still smoke weed from time to time, even if it makes me paranoid, negative and anxious, and leaves me confused and depressed for two or three days. I just do it, and think about it when i´m sober. It is not a hard drug, and i don't like the high at all (gotta say that i loved it back in the day), but i seem to be psychologically addicted. But the funny thing is that i dont get any kind of pleasure from it consumption. In fact it is just the opposite, but i just continue doing it, what leaves me more depressed each time.
Consciously, i rationalize it telling myself that i'm trying to get to some kind of spiritual state by using it, but i have proved to myself a million times that it is not going to happen. Anyway, i keep doing it and deny the truth that is that i am wasting my time and my health with something that i don´t even enjoy. What makes me thing that subconciously, some of us are just addicted to live in a circle of suffering and despair. I see a lot of people that quit smoking weed or doing other drugs because of the harm they were doing to themselves, or because they couldnt enjoy being stoned, whatever. I see this people, and they have like a positive attitude, a healthy mindstate, i dont know how to call it. They just enjoy life as it is, once they couldnt enjoy using drugs they moved on and continued living. In the other hand, here i am, behaving in a way that i will regret continuosly, with something that i dont get pleasure from and destroys me. It is as if i were addicted to having a shitty life, when i have plenty of opportunities for improving my life.
It is ridiculous, i know, but i dont have an idea what to do. Sure i have to quit the shit, but i will still crave it.
I was thinking this because for example, i still smoke weed from time to time, even if it makes me paranoid, negative and anxious, and leaves me confused and depressed for two or three days. I just do it, and think about it when i´m sober. It is not a hard drug, and i don't like the high at all (gotta say that i loved it back in the day), but i seem to be psychologically addicted. But the funny thing is that i dont get any kind of pleasure from it consumption. In fact it is just the opposite, but i just continue doing it, what leaves me more depressed each time.
Consciously, i rationalize it telling myself that i'm trying to get to some kind of spiritual state by using it, but i have proved to myself a million times that it is not going to happen. Anyway, i keep doing it and deny the truth that is that i am wasting my time and my health with something that i don´t even enjoy. What makes me thing that subconciously, some of us are just addicted to live in a circle of suffering and despair. I see a lot of people that quit smoking weed or doing other drugs because of the harm they were doing to themselves, or because they couldnt enjoy being stoned, whatever. I see this people, and they have like a positive attitude, a healthy mindstate, i dont know how to call it. They just enjoy life as it is, once they couldnt enjoy using drugs they moved on and continued living. In the other hand, here i am, behaving in a way that i will regret continuosly, with something that i dont get pleasure from and destroys me. It is as if i were addicted to having a shitty life, when i have plenty of opportunities for improving my life.
It is ridiculous, i know, but i dont have an idea what to do. Sure i have to quit the shit, but i will still crave it.
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