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  • TDS Moderators: AlphaMethylPhenyl | paranoid android

Addicted to suffering?

K

-kOse-

Bluelighter
Joined
Nov 30, 2005
Messages
41
Is it possible that some people, like me, are addicted to suffer, to be depressed?

I was thinking this because for example, i still smoke weed from time to time, even if it makes me paranoid, negative and anxious, and leaves me confused and depressed for two or three days. I just do it, and think about it when i´m sober. It is not a hard drug, and i don't like the high at all (gotta say that i loved it back in the day), but i seem to be psychologically addicted. But the funny thing is that i dont get any kind of pleasure from it consumption. In fact it is just the opposite, but i just continue doing it, what leaves me more depressed each time.

Consciously, i rationalize it telling myself that i'm trying to get to some kind of spiritual state by using it, but i have proved to myself a million times that it is not going to happen. Anyway, i keep doing it and deny the truth that is that i am wasting my time and my health with something that i don´t even enjoy. What makes me thing that subconciously, some of us are just addicted to live in a circle of suffering and despair. I see a lot of people that quit smoking weed or doing other drugs because of the harm they were doing to themselves, or because they couldnt enjoy being stoned, whatever. I see this people, and they have like a positive attitude, a healthy mindstate, i dont know how to call it. They just enjoy life as it is, once they couldnt enjoy using drugs they moved on and continued living. In the other hand, here i am, behaving in a way that i will regret continuosly, with something that i dont get pleasure from and destroys me. It is as if i were addicted to having a shitty life, when i have plenty of opportunities for improving my life.

It is ridiculous, i know, but i dont have an idea what to do. Sure i have to quit the shit, but i will still crave it.
 
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i can do some things or have done things id consider what i call "mental masochism", like crushing an ex g/f s heart because,,, I didn't feel i deserved it? or excelling at an unordinary task, study, hobby, talents, or doing drugs that i also didn't want to, but wow did i do them. them watch myself and loved ones hurt from it.

is a practice ive had since early grade school...

...see bjork - state of emergency
 
I'm sure a lot of other weed smokers an relate with you. I know after smoking for so many years it was just the same for me. I didn't enjoy it at all like I had bak in the day. It could very well be that the sub concious is thinking if you keep smoking you'll get back the good feelings and enjoyment weed had once provided. Part of the addiction is tied to the misery that has become so familiar as crazy as it sounds, what we know is comfortable even when it sucks. IMO it doesn't really matter what drug may be making our lives miserable once we no longer enjoy using it, our thoughts need to be changed before our actions change. usually how we feel about ourselves is what keeps us attached to the misery. The cravings to smoke will diminish as time away from it adds up.Your right, it's not a hard drug, but it can still fuk up your thought process and your persceptions. I know people who have smoked al their lifes and still enjoy it, but I know more people like myself and the way you have described who just grow tired of it. I quit two years ago and after aboout a month or so the cravings were gone. Think about all the positives that come with quitting and the sense of accomplishment. Maybe getting involved in some activity your interested in would be a good distraction until your accustomed to not having weed in your life. You will end up one of those people that moved on in life and I would bet you won't miss it. I don't. In fact I can only imagine how different my life would be if I hadn't been stoned through my twenties and half of my thirties.
 
After being off weed for 20+ years, I tried some a couple years ago. Nothing but paranoia. Gave it a fair chance, but each time resulted in feeling paranoid and I said fuck it. Was definately NOT worth it!
 
I find myself smoking when I'm bored even through weed isn't one of my favorite things to do. It is accessible, cheap and always around. I have no explanation either, other than it passes the time :\
 
I did what you did for years at a steadily declining rate until I finally just quit smoking weed, by the time I made the decision it was easy because I didn't enjoy it at all anymore. However it took years of steadily declining enjoyment in weed smoking and an increase in undesireable side effects for this to happen. I'd be willing to bet the same thing will happen to you, it is weed after all, it's not really physically addicting at all, eventually you'll get sick of it and quit.

Just don't move on to other drugs like I did, that's when thing get really tricky.
 
Of course. I wrote some posts here a while ago on the subject. I used to make myself sick every night with weed and icecream. I used to get the most terrible anxiety from it, but I continued smoking it for like a year, and every night I would have to go for a run to blow off steam. Sometimes at 4 in the morning :/

It reminds me of sleep walking. Like I wasn't fully conscious of my actions.
 
My Husband tells me all the time im addicted to suffering.... Which i too i think, am doing this also! I smoke here and there and really hate it. With the parania and anxiety. Eved since i quit 4 yrs back when i get pregnany. Tried to smoke again actwr having my son. But i suffered with the symptoms every time. And still would do it but i notice a pattern with myself... Ill smoke a while with the anxiety and parania so i quit a while. Then i start smoking again a while later and enjoy it. Then the cycle starts, get tired of it, same symtoms eventually return after smoking a while so i quite, then do the whole cycle over and over and iv been this way, doing the cycle, for about 4 yrs!

And with the suffering, and making myself suffer emtionally. Iv done it since early childhood...
Finally 27yrs lated i find out im bipolor2. Im on meds steadily and they seem to help but i still tend to do the suffering thing from time to time!
But yes i completly know whAt and feel the same as the OP.
And its crazy cuz i thought the same, wow is this a disorder? And really didnt think anyone else went thru the same as me!
 
ive sometimes wondered if i do this with my pain meds too. i dont have a sufficient script so i take what IS sufficient, and then suffer the next two weeks without it. every month. never fails.

i know how much everything is going to suck....

iknow that at 14 days im basically out of the woods, but yet i continue to step back into the woods to get lost for two weeks....

the things we do to get out of pain :\
 
-kOse- said:
Is it possible that some people, like me, are addicted to suffer, to be depressed?

I was thinking this because for example, i still smoke weed from time to time, even if it makes me paranoid, negative and anxious, and leaves me confused and depressed for two or three days. I just do it, and think about it when i´m sober. It is not a hard drug, and i don't like the high at all (gotta say that i loved it back in the day), but i seem to be psychologically addicted. But the funny thing is that i dont get any kind of pleasure from it consumption. In fact it is just the opposite, but i just continue doing it, what leaves me more depressed each time.

Consciously, i rationalize it telling myself that i'm trying to get to some kind of spiritual state by using it, but i have proved to myself a million times that it is not going to happen. Anyway, i keep doing it and deny the truth that is that i am wasting my time and my health with something that i don´t even enjoy. What makes me thing that subconciously, some of us are just addicted to live in a circle of suffering and despair. I see a lot of people that quit smoking weed or doing other drugs because of the harm they were doing to themselves, or because they couldnt enjoy being stoned, whatever. I see this people, and they have like a positive attitude, a healthy mindstate, i dont know how to call it. They just enjoy life as it is, once they couldnt enjoy using drugs they moved on and continued living. In the other hand, here i am, behaving in a way that i will regret continuosly, with something that i dont get pleasure from and destroys me. It is as if i were addicted to having a shitty life, when i have plenty of opportunities for improving my life.

It is ridiculous, i know, but i dont have an idea what to do. Sure i have to quit the shit, but i will still crave it.
Click to expand...

i think its definitely possible, in fact i'm sure many people are, its not at all a ridiculous concept. I can't pretend like I know whats wrong with you...but it could be that constant struggle as to find out why you are not happy, probably mixed with a lack of self confidence (since i see you compared yourself to other people, i know, easier said than done). Perhaps you have simply gotten used to feeling bad, and it is in a way your coping mechanism. You stick to a probably pretty consistent lifestyle, thats not full of many changes, and you quietly suffer. From all I've learned about psychology, that sounds like your brain trying to, subconsciously, not let things get worse off. In a way it is easier to not confront that which is bothering you so much, and let is manifest itself until its huge, rather than to confront it and deal with possible rejection or disappointment at times.

Again of course thats just an idea, mainly im saying that what youre saying is not ridiculous at all. Keep your head up man, best of luck.
 
I think I am addicted to self destructing. Everytime things go well somehow in my life I blow and do something stupid by putting myself in a terrible situation. For example its happened time and time again where I get out of debt with bad people, wait a week and them am right back in the hole trying to free myself again. I don't understand my own mind.... prolly not much help to yours
 
i always saw it as because I feel shitty all the time that it was just normal. and I don't remember what it's like to not feel shitty I guess and when things go right for me and are good, they quickly turn back around... my fault. But I don't want to say I'm self destructing because I try so hard not to be
 
-kOse- said:
Is it possible that some people, like me, are addicted to suffer, to be depressed? It is as if i were addicted to having a shitty life, when i have plenty of opportunities for improving my life.
Click to expand...

it is not only possible, it is one of the most usual modes for depression to manifest itself. it's not masochism, which is a much more specific condition.

think of the feelign known as self-pity: it is feeling bad about yourself, but it is generally acknowledged to be something one chooses to "let" oneself feel. ie, choosing to suffer.

speaking from experience, that is... although i don't find mj makes me depressed in particular.
 
I was just going to start a similar thread but more regarding opiates. I spend more time fiening or being sick vs being hi. In a 30 day period I am probably hi 7 or 8 days and drug seeking the rest or half high. Like when do I get tired of the suffering. I am not at the point where I won't pay my bills yet. Electric is on, rent is never late, I am barely holding on to my job but I am holding on to it.

It is like doom is knocking on the door and I won't say go away. If I got my shit together I could have a nice savings account, nicer clothes, a happier life but I volunteer for this suffering for those few days of bliss. Five seconds after I plunge that needle I am on top of the world then it's downhill from there unless I have a shit load of dope or pills.

Addiction is a sick disease. I could be and do so much more but I would rather deal with the suffering to chase temporary bliss. I can't say if I am addicted to the suffering or the hi but the suffering plays the bigger part of my life.

Maybe it's all an escape from depression. Maybe if it wasn't for the few days of bliss I get to escape the depression it wouldn't be this way. Maybe the depression would be there for 30 days and the few days of bliss are the gift. Who knows. I'm sick of it but I ain't ready to quit.

I wish I never got started in this shit but here I am.
 
i think that if u continue smoking even though you don't like it,
then the unconscious part of you probably gets a kick out of it and the conscious part of you doesn't.

or perhaps you like the short term effect of smoking weed,
which might last only as long as the moment you're smoking it and the first 3 minutes after...

craving for stuff that is bad for us, is a bitch =D
 
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