Addicted to Buzzing

[laCster]

i don't get it. is being sober really worth all the talk? some days i feel like i will never break my cycle, and other days i feel like i could live my whole life without using drugs. early in my life, i felt i needed drugs to be normal, but now i feel i am trapped in the perpetual rhythm of staying constantly intoxicated because it is something i know how to do, and i know how to do it damn well.

i feel like i always need something in me to feel good in my own shoes and comfortable in my own skin, especially when i am home alone and bored. i guess after staying buzzed day after day drastically changed my perception on life. i used to enjoy being high so much(mainly the reason why i am where i am today) but now it is just something i do to pass the time.

fuck, i really don't know what i am going to do with my life. is the sober life really for me? or while i be doomed to chip away the rest of my life. it always seems after a bad experience that i get this way, but after a good drug experience i always want more. even after this bad blackout (i literally don't remember what i did the past 2 days) i want more. i need more. this is who i am, and i feel like there is no going back....but do i really want to finally wake up 20 years from now and realize this was all a big mistake, and that i never really needed drugs to be happy?


anyways, i feel a little better now despite this being one of the only sober nights i have had in years.i know next week i will be back in the same position and be loving the high life and i could really go for a smoke right now....

 

[Legerity]

^Why do you want to be sober? And why do you think you will be loving the high life if it is already just something to pass the time?

 

[xbloodwhipx]

Ha ha tripping on ambien?
Lol i know the feeling, i have kpins, lorzepam, xanax, oxycodone, hydrocodone, booze and weed. I have to be high on one of those constantly

 

[Bojangles69]

Ok so maybe this is profound maybe its stupid idrk.

Someone in here said "I view escapism a lot more serious than being bored" and another person asked how they can rid themselves of this escapism disorder or whatever you want to call it.

But this is something I have learned only through experience in my own life. The harder I search for a reason why I need to get high on some type of substance everyday, the more I feel like the reason I'm searching for is serious. I definitely went through a phase though really after 5 years of sobriety, and being straight edge, where I realized NO MATTER WHAT I had in my life, a girl, confidence in myself, money, I still always just felt like something was missing.
This was how I relapsed after 5 years clean I started looking for "legal highs" on the internet. Did not seek out pot, or opiates, just seeked out ANYthing that would bring me somewhere else. I think the problem really is, once you escape using drugs, and mentally compare that to say escaping through reading or a natural behavoir, the difference in the actual escape is so large for me, that I cease to find any sort of escape from ANY type of normal activity.

Reading a book doesn't make sounds sound more vivid, or food taste more lively, or cigarettes taste better. Exercise might help liven up life a bit sure but compared to any drug really, the escape the drugs provide is really just that convenient and effective.
So I feel like in order to escape this escapism disorder lol, you must imprison yourself. Really though think about it. And how do you do this? Not by thinking or searching for a problem. You make one simple behavoir. Imprison yourself to sobriety, whether you like it or not. Because the longer that time passes by, the less you remember the escape of drugs, and the more the escape of life starts to feel like an actual escape.

Maybe I just needed to be sober longer to feel free. 5 years is a lot of time but the important thing here is I had already used for some time. I KNEW and was AWARE all the time instinctively that "drugs will take you to x happy place". Longer I was away from the more I felt free. But I just wound up searching for an escape that I knew in the long run was actually going to imprison me. Its such a catch 22 type of effect is what I'm saying. You need to battle the imprisonment of a prison wall for many many years before you gain the ability to feel free within prison. Went through that too which was very enlightening. Longer I was in prison, the more free I was able to make myself feel.

The thing is we all just expect to know how to escape our lives w/out drugs but this is an intellectual thing that is learned over time. Noone really thinks "In order to escape something I must first be imprisoned in it" but I do believe that is at least an essential first step. So think about it. If you are using right now, and its not actually making you feel imprisoned.... what is there to escape? Maybe the reason I can't escape my current drug habit, is because on some certain fundamental level, I'm not that trapped in it in the first place. So hard to explain the core of what I'm really trying to say, but maybe someone can derive something from it.