Daily sub user here. Using heroin whenever my mind forgets about how close to passing out/death I came the time before. I used to drink a pint with a bundle, but I haven't drank with my D since I the last time I puked on my mother's bedroom floor on my knees, praying to a god i don't believe in to keep me alive, and consciously monitoring my breath. Notice I said "the last time" because this has happened a lot in my life and in the lives of most of the junkies I know. You take too much. No junkie is perfect. I'm here to say opiates are fantastic. I love them. I used to come here when I was 14, 15.. because I believed I could tame drugs. I believed we could control drugs. And that is what I thought Bluelight was all about back then. I thought I was becoming a part of a great, enlightened group of people that partook in the alteration of the chemicals in their brains. I thought we were all here to say we're doing it! We're using and we're happy because we're educated!
Awesome club. Flash forward to age 22 and the cheap little $10 Oxy Contin 20s, and $20 OC 40s, turned to $35-$40 OC80s, and those cheap little OC80s quickly turned into $80 OC80s. And those $80 OC80s turned into Opanas. Those great Opanas turned to 80 dollar Opana 40s. Then those finally turned into heroin. And by then my tolerance was already so high that I needed a bundle of dope to even (hopefully) come close to the 1 to 2 Opana 40s that I had been using daily. That bundle of dope a night quickly turned into a bundle of dope + a pint of cheap vodka each night. This was the only way I could possibly match the high I had been chasing for so long. And this finally turned into me overdosing, quite frequently. ODing isn't fun. Your powerless. Your high. Your delusional. You believe you could die. And your not too far from death. It could happen with that last bag. Finally, ODing frequently turned into me being forced into taking Suboxone to live a normal life.
This place was supposed to enlighten me. I thought this place was full of open minded people just like me, that used dope and had fun with life. I'm writing this to say damn, I am sooo fucking enlightened its not even funny. Great club. No girls allowed apparently. I don't get laid so much, what with the no money and the heroin addiction.
On the other hand, I do enjoy using my DOC, just not the addiction and everything else that comes with it. Having to rely on another person to pull you out of complete restlessness, fatigue, depression? Having to rely on another person that sees you as a dollar sign. When that person or those person(s) are sometimes completely unreliable, and can blow you off, or rip you off whenever they want? Or get busted. And then your shit out of luck if you want to feel good anytime soon. Its not fun kids. Its not fucking fun. Your buying a substance that speeds up all your happiness, condenses it all into short little bursts, and leaves you without any until you buy more fix. Rely on someone else, and pay someone else, to be happy. Thats what your doing. Thats what you'll be doing the rest of your life if you don't stop the cycle. And stopping is never going to be as easy as stopping. Because you can easily not try something, and never do it again, right? That makes sense right? But once you try something, its always there. Its always a memory. Its always available. You can be clean for a month, or two, and go right back into a full fledged addiction. That is the cycle. Your withdrawal, your depression, your anxiety, your troubles, they all turn into a reason to use, even if you've been struggling to stay sober for months.
If I want to go to the movies with a cute girl, I have to think about how talkative, and how "happy" I want to be, before I leave the house, and I need to take a dose of my suboxone accordingly. I literally have to dose out my happiness because of my physical and mental addiction. When you look back on everything, 4-5 years happens very quickly, and while your busy chasing dope and having fun, your life kind of passes you by. It doesn't wait for you to pick up your pieces and fix yourself up. Before you know it, you've been chasing after a high for 2, 3, 4, 5 years. And here is another little shocker you might find out later in life if your a young kid, with a nice girl/boy friend, in one of your 1st long term relationships: If your "in love" with someone right now, and you both use opiates together regularly, & they are the 1st partner you've had that you've shared opiate use with, try taking the opiates out of the equation, and see if your still in love in a month. Try it. See how fast things slow down to a screeching halt. This drug completely changes you when your high. And if you and your boyfriend/girlfriend are high 90% of the time your together, your relationship is heroin. Its injected with heroin. And you may need to take the journey for yourself to figure that out for yourself, but eventually you will. Your relationship is heroin.
When you hear about pot "taking kids away from things they once loved" you can laugh that off, go ahead. But don't think that you can laugh at heroin doing that. Opiates can end up doing that. Once you are addicted to dope, it becomes increasingly more difficult to deal with things like anxiety, depression, etc, when you do not have any of your drug. Try scoring in a job interview without a bag in you. If you've been using regularly, look in the mirror. Thats what the world sees when they look at you. Your face is blotched up, inflamed. Your nostrils and your cheeks around your nostrils are red, you've got raccoon eyes, your not getting a job if you've got the face of an addict. When you look in the mirror, you see all the signs... You pull down your eyelids, your eyes widen when you realize you've been rubbing your face raw, you've got dry skin... The rest of the world doesn't look away and take a shower. The rest of the world thinks your sick, or your on drugs. Girls, your health shows through your makeup. Your health is whats under the makeup.
And take it from me: If your thinking "No, I've done hours and hours of research. I've done DAYS and days of research. I've read TONS of 1st hand accounts. I know how to control it. I can control my use" I used to be YOU. I used to be you, and you CAN'T control it forever. I promise you that. Addiction slips into your life slowly. Unannounced. Below your radar. Everything stacks up and up and up until its too late. Your not a romanticized junkie, a great philosopher. Your not a genius. Your an opiate user, and soon to be addict. Get out while you still can. You cannot break your rules ONCE with dope. But you will. You will eventually. Slowly. & You will lose your emotional identity. You will lose what you thought your personality was. This drug changes your personality. This drug changes who YOU are. This drug changes your emotional identity. This drug will take away your confidence when your without it, and it will have you doing things when your high on it, that will embarrass who you thought you were, GREATLY, when you are not high on it.
Once you are addicted, the MAJORITY of the time, You will NOT want to be an opiate user. The MAJORITY of the time, you'll wish you didn't have to use. In fact, eventually, that "wish" turns into you begging and pleading with yourself to not use. See, a paradox shift occurs, when you are becoming a true addict. When you are using on a daily routine, or on an every other day schedule... When your high, you will want with all your heart to STOP using. Eventually, getting high will be the only time your not weak, sickly, mentally distressed. Oh, but everything becomes so clear when your high! Your going to stop! Your going to taper off! Your going to do this with your life next! And your going to do that with your life after that! You feel amazing! You can tackle anything! But in reality, the next morning, you'll wake up just as sick as the morning before, and the morning before that, and you wont be able to resist that drug. And that is what the rest of your LIFE will amount to if you don't stop flirting with this demon right now. And you'll go through phases where every high is your last high. ahaha. When your sober or sick, all of your plans will be grand schemes. Grand banquets! Your going to buy XX amount tomorrow, and that is going to be the last time your using! Or your going to buy XXX tomorrow, and that will surely be the last time! But that doesn't come true. Then, when your high, ohh, all of your plans will be so self liberating and so strong. You can do this! This is definitely a good high to "go out on!" This is it! You'll remember this one for months! This is a great last bang! Your not getting ANY tomorrow! Good luck with that.
And ask yourself this... I am a very articulate guy, right? I like to write. & I seem at least mildly educated, right? I'm not dumb. I'm not an idiot. Then why... Why, after writing all of this to you... WHY will I still try to buy dope tomorrow? Even though I know all of this. Even though I've been at this game for years. Even though I'm writing this to help you, reading this, from becoming an addict.. Why would I write all of this and still use?? Because I'm an ADDICT! I'm an addict and the sacrifices I have to make to get my fix come one at a time... Each one is a tougher and tougher rock to swallow. But they also add up over time. So think about this when you go to score next time if your just starting this. Think about how your going down the same road millions before you have already gone down. And we all eventually admit that its not a good road to go down. Its a stupid road that ruins you. I'm begging you to please switch habits. Smoke pot. Drink. Do what you have to. Just don't purposely allow yourself to get yourself addicted to dope. Its not worth it. Its not a beautiful struggle to someday overcome. Its not a comfy and cozy struggle that you will plan to overcome in your future. Its much, much bigger than yourself. Bigger than you can even imagine. Your not getting away with doing something that the sober kids close their minds to, or that the stiff kids just dont know about. Your going to ruin your life. Your going to ruin yourself.
I feel this is all the truth. You won't find me in threads like this much again, unless I'm asking for help for myself. You'd probably more easily find me hanging out with the people that are like me, comparing stamps, "enjoying" myself. Well, "enjoying" myself by having a laugh with other dope heads, or comparing stamps... That might look like fun to you. But remember this post when you see my other posts. Because this is exactly whats underneath it all. This is the back story of a lot of us that are "having fun" in the dope threads. Its not fun. Addiction is not fun. Its not an interesting experience lol. Its not like doing an innocent research experiment on yourself. It changes you for the worst. It changes your life for the worst. You can try to make the best of it.. You can continue to use, you can stay happy enough to survive as long as your not sick. but underneath it all, don't idolize the life, don't falsely romanticize addiction. Don't think you can tame it. Everyone is different and your knowledge doesn't ensure that your the type that can control a very addictive drug. Assume the worst like all those kids that never touched drugs did. Remember those dope threads with all the "happy" junkies? Those junkies have lives that can easily be described from what I wrote above. That is what is behind the exterior "fun" of this addiction. The pain, problems, and suffering.