FallenKnife
Greenlighter
- Joined
- Jun 18, 2023
- Messages
- 3
Forgive me for I’m not the best at these things.
I’ve been struggling with adderall abuse for a solid 6-8 months. I lost my job, went full manic/psychotic shortly after (I had been unknowingly manic for a couple of months leading up to the psychosis), and I still do not have control of this situation. It’s 4:00am and I just popped 30mg, just because. I felt the urge to. Earlier today I probably spaced out 50mg so 80mg on the full day. I’m not proud of this. I know it’s not sustainable. But I’m eating healthy and hitting the gym regularly.
Lately I’ve been noticing bouts of either extreme agitation or a completely flat mood. I’m also on Olanzapine (zyprexa) 5mg per day taken at night. This was prescribed after the severe psychosis. Also Lorazepam (Ativan) 3mg per day. 450mg Oxcarbazepine per day, which replaced my lamictal.
I know some of you may want to reply to this with “ah man that’s not even that much! Quit your crying” or something like that, I don’t know. I don’t really know people anymore these days. From March to early August I was taking on average about 60-80mg of adderall IR. In July I went 1 week without it and went into a minor psychosis with minor hallucinations (visual disturbances, paranoia, peripheral objects changing shape). I’ve heard about this kind of thing happening when abruptly stopping a high dose of amphetamines. I wasn’t too disturbed but I did go to ER for something separate during this— benzo withdrawal. Whole different story, let’s stay on track.
So, I got my adderall refill finally and was right back on abusing them. Ran out of my script in 2 weeks so I bought some from a dude. Early August I profit $9,500 trading futures. A couple days later I lose it all. I then lose my job. Stress heightens. Mania spins itself into a new beast I’ve never been familiar with. Enter, full psychosis. And sorry if this isn’t very linear or chronological. I’m trying.
Extreme paranoia, peeking out the blinds, convinced children living above me were spying on me through my bathroom fan/vent. Also through my blinds. Could hear them whisper to eachother about me, speculating on what I was doing at any given moment. They all had names. Turns out no children lived above me.
At night any car that drove by sounded like a human scream. I heard a woman being raped over and over again. I heard a man drowning and struggling. I heard so many things. Some awful. Some not so bad. I saw and heard tapping on my window, some kid named “Ethan” (the leader of this kid group delusion thing).
Called 911 the next night in tears because it sounded like someone angry above me was gonna break my door down and harm me. Very weird things happened during that call… horror movie type shit. Got a hotel for the night. It followed me there (obviously). Next day I get put on antipsychotics. Diagnosed bipolar as well which I guess makes sense in all this, there’s a lot more context there but fuck that. Also obsessively compulsive. Hopefully not schizo. Dr thinks no. Same here.
Long story short I don’t have the hallucinations anymore but I do still get the extreme agitation and hypomanic behavior. I take all my meds as prescribed except for the adderall and sometimes Ativan.
Do I need to check myself in somewhere or what’s best way to attack this? I’ve lost my best friends (my fault) and many other things, but I still can’t stop.
I’ve been struggling with adderall abuse for a solid 6-8 months. I lost my job, went full manic/psychotic shortly after (I had been unknowingly manic for a couple of months leading up to the psychosis), and I still do not have control of this situation. It’s 4:00am and I just popped 30mg, just because. I felt the urge to. Earlier today I probably spaced out 50mg so 80mg on the full day. I’m not proud of this. I know it’s not sustainable. But I’m eating healthy and hitting the gym regularly.
Lately I’ve been noticing bouts of either extreme agitation or a completely flat mood. I’m also on Olanzapine (zyprexa) 5mg per day taken at night. This was prescribed after the severe psychosis. Also Lorazepam (Ativan) 3mg per day. 450mg Oxcarbazepine per day, which replaced my lamictal.
I know some of you may want to reply to this with “ah man that’s not even that much! Quit your crying” or something like that, I don’t know. I don’t really know people anymore these days. From March to early August I was taking on average about 60-80mg of adderall IR. In July I went 1 week without it and went into a minor psychosis with minor hallucinations (visual disturbances, paranoia, peripheral objects changing shape). I’ve heard about this kind of thing happening when abruptly stopping a high dose of amphetamines. I wasn’t too disturbed but I did go to ER for something separate during this— benzo withdrawal. Whole different story, let’s stay on track.
So, I got my adderall refill finally and was right back on abusing them. Ran out of my script in 2 weeks so I bought some from a dude. Early August I profit $9,500 trading futures. A couple days later I lose it all. I then lose my job. Stress heightens. Mania spins itself into a new beast I’ve never been familiar with. Enter, full psychosis. And sorry if this isn’t very linear or chronological. I’m trying.
Extreme paranoia, peeking out the blinds, convinced children living above me were spying on me through my bathroom fan/vent. Also through my blinds. Could hear them whisper to eachother about me, speculating on what I was doing at any given moment. They all had names. Turns out no children lived above me.
At night any car that drove by sounded like a human scream. I heard a woman being raped over and over again. I heard a man drowning and struggling. I heard so many things. Some awful. Some not so bad. I saw and heard tapping on my window, some kid named “Ethan” (the leader of this kid group delusion thing).
Called 911 the next night in tears because it sounded like someone angry above me was gonna break my door down and harm me. Very weird things happened during that call… horror movie type shit. Got a hotel for the night. It followed me there (obviously). Next day I get put on antipsychotics. Diagnosed bipolar as well which I guess makes sense in all this, there’s a lot more context there but fuck that. Also obsessively compulsive. Hopefully not schizo. Dr thinks no. Same here.
Long story short I don’t have the hallucinations anymore but I do still get the extreme agitation and hypomanic behavior. I take all my meds as prescribed except for the adderall and sometimes Ativan.
Do I need to check myself in somewhere or what’s best way to attack this? I’ve lost my best friends (my fault) and many other things, but I still can’t stop.