Stimulants Adderall Addiction/Abuse— Where is this headed?

[FallenKnife]

Forgive me for I’m not the best at these things.

I’ve been struggling with adderall abuse for a solid 6-8 months. I lost my job, went full manic/psychotic shortly after (I had been unknowingly manic for a couple of months leading up to the psychosis), and I still do not have control of this situation. It’s 4:00am and I just popped 30mg, just because. I felt the urge to. Earlier today I probably spaced out 50mg so 80mg on the full day. I’m not proud of this. I know it’s not sustainable. But I’m eating healthy and hitting the gym regularly.

Lately I’ve been noticing bouts of either extreme agitation or a completely flat mood. I’m also on Olanzapine (zyprexa) 5mg per day taken at night. This was prescribed after the severe psychosis. Also Lorazepam (Ativan) 3mg per day. 450mg Oxcarbazepine per day, which replaced my lamictal.

I know some of you may want to reply to this with “ah man that’s not even that much! Quit your crying” or something like that, I don’t know. I don’t really know people anymore these days. From March to early August I was taking on average about 60-80mg of adderall IR. In July I went 1 week without it and went into a minor psychosis with minor hallucinations (visual disturbances, paranoia, peripheral objects changing shape). I’ve heard about this kind of thing happening when abruptly stopping a high dose of amphetamines. I wasn’t too disturbed but I did go to ER for something separate during this— benzo withdrawal. Whole different story, let’s stay on track.

So, I got my adderall refill finally and was right back on abusing them. Ran out of my script in 2 weeks so I bought some from a dude. Early August I profit $9,500 trading futures. A couple days later I lose it all. I then lose my job. Stress heightens. Mania spins itself into a new beast I’ve never been familiar with. Enter, full psychosis. And sorry if this isn’t very linear or chronological. I’m trying.

Extreme paranoia, peeking out the blinds, convinced children living above me were spying on me through my bathroom fan/vent. Also through my blinds. Could hear them whisper to eachother about me, speculating on what I was doing at any given moment. They all had names. Turns out no children lived above me.

At night any car that drove by sounded like a human scream. I heard a woman being raped over and over again. I heard a man drowning and struggling. I heard so many things. Some awful. Some not so bad. I saw and heard tapping on my window, some kid named “Ethan” (the leader of this kid group delusion thing).

Called 911 the next night in tears because it sounded like someone angry above me was gonna break my door down and harm me. Very weird things happened during that call… horror movie type shit. Got a hotel for the night. It followed me there (obviously). Next day I get put on antipsychotics. Diagnosed bipolar as well which I guess makes sense in all this, there’s a lot more context there but fuck that. Also obsessively compulsive. Hopefully not schizo. Dr thinks no. Same here.

Long story short I don’t have the hallucinations anymore but I do still get the extreme agitation and hypomanic behavior. I take all my meds as prescribed except for the adderall and sometimes Ativan.

Do I need to check myself in somewhere or what’s best way to attack this? I’ve lost my best friends (my fault) and many other things, but I still can’t stop.

 

[Opana313]

I'm not going to say quit your crying because those doses for that period of time plus maybe not sleeping enough if at all helped lead to this psychosis along with binpolar/manic episodes.

I'm not sure of the best answer for this besides get help, maybe rehab is a good idea? Idk something tells me the ativan can help you a lot especially when agitated but I am going to try and summon someone that can most likely have the best answers for you.
@MsDiz
@Snafu in the Void

 

[Snafu in the Void]

It is vitally important for you to get this under control ASAP in order to figure out how much of these symptoms are coming from abusing adderall, versus how much may be mental illness being exacerbated by the adderall.

Psychosis creates physical changes in the brain which make you more susceptible to having another episode in the future. Think of psychosis like a physical wound. If you keep injuring your leg in the same spot while working out, after every injury it starts taking longer and longer for your leg to heal, until eventually your leg becomes completely disabled. This is why psychosis needs to be treated ASAP, and recurrent episodes need to be avoided at all cost. It will only get worse and worse over time if you keep going into these episodes.

I'm assuming the doctor who prescribes the adderall is not the same doctor who prescribes the other things?

You may not be hallucinating anymore at the moment, but I can guarantee you that if you keep up this pattern of use you absolutely will have another episode. The detriment to your life will also get worse and worse over time with recurrent psychosis. You will start losing more than just your friends.

Have you tried to simply lower your adderall use to something more reasonable like 20-30mg per day?

There are many options here. You can try an outpatient program, a full inpatient experience may not be required, but it might be in the end.

I cannot stress enough that you need to avoid another psychosis. I think you may realize that.

Also, if you bought some "from a dude", you need to know that unless you saw it come out of his own prescription bottle, it's probably meth or some other RC stim. Most adderall sold on the street in the US is not actually adderall and is something worse.

 

[Opana313]

^^very true about the fake addy shit.
I used to buy 70mg vyvanse from this hoe(yes, her income) and would spike it with her own meth..I didn't realize this until I took a 40mg vyvanse from her and was as high if not higher tweaked out than the 70mg.

 

[Lauren1978]

Forgive me for I’m not the best at these things.

I’ve been struggling with adderall abuse for a solid 6-8 months. I lost my job, went full manic/psychotic shortly after (I had been unknowingly manic for a couple of months leading up to the psychosis), and I still do not have control of this situation. It’s 4:00am and I just popped 30mg, just because. I felt the urge to. Earlier today I probably spaced out 50mg so 80mg on the full day. I’m not proud of this. I know it’s not sustainable. But I’m eating healthy and hitting the gym regularly.

Lately I’ve been noticing bouts of either extreme agitation or a completely flat mood. I’m also on Olanzapine (zyprexa) 5mg per day taken at night. This was prescribed after the severe psychosis. Also Lorazepam (Ativan) 3mg per day. 450mg Oxcarbazepine per day, which replaced my lamictal.

I know some of you may want to reply to this with “ah man that’s not even that much! Quit your crying” or something like that, I don’t know. I don’t really know people anymore these days. From March to early August I was taking on average about 60-80mg of adderall IR. In July I went 1 week without it and went into a minor psychosis with minor hallucinations (visual disturbances, paranoia, peripheral objects changing shape). I’ve heard about this kind of thing happening when abruptly stopping a high dose of amphetamines. I wasn’t too disturbed but I did go to ER for something separate during this— benzo withdrawal. Whole different story, let’s stay on track.

So, I got my adderall refill finally and was right back on abusing them. Ran out of my script in 2 weeks so I bought some from a dude. Early August I profit $9,500 trading futures. A couple days later I lose it all. I then lose my job. Stress heightens. Mania spins itself into a new beast I’ve never been familiar with. Enter, full psychosis. And sorry if this isn’t very linear or chronological. I’m trying.

Extreme paranoia, peeking out the blinds, convinced children living above me were spying on me through my bathroom fan/vent. Also through my blinds. Could hear them whisper to eachother about me, speculating on what I was doing at any given moment. They all had names. Turns out no children lived above me.

At night any car that drove by sounded like a human scream. I heard a woman being raped over and over again. I heard a man drowning and struggling. I heard so many things. Some awful. Some not so bad. I saw and heard tapping on my window, some kid named “Ethan” (the leader of this kid group delusion thing).

Called 911 the next night in tears because it sounded like someone angry above me was gonna break my door down and harm me. Very weird things happened during that call… horror movie type shit. Got a hotel for the night. It followed me there (obviously). Next day I get put on antipsychotics. Diagnosed bipolar as well which I guess makes sense in all this, there’s a lot more context there but fuck that. Also obsessively compulsive. Hopefully not schizo. Dr thinks no. Same here.

Long story short I don’t have the hallucinations anymore but I do still get the extreme agitation and hypomanic behavior. I take all my meds as prescribed except for the adderall and sometimes Ativan.

Do I need to check myself in somewhere or what’s best way to attack this? I’ve lost my best friends (my fault) and many other things, but I still can’t stop.

Your last 2 sentences kind of answer your own question. Your drug use has cost you important friendships and "many other things" AND you "still can't stop."
Yes, like many of us here, you need to get professional help to get back on track. It sounds as if you have a dual diagnosis --of whatever the psychiatrist says, as well as substance abuse. There are resources that exist for this exact situation and there's NO SHAME in getting help.

You deserve to live your best life, and if that means getting help to get back on track, go for it.
Good luck and keep us posted!

 

[Pissed_and_messed]

listen to Snafu, he is right.

I have OCPD, so if you have anything to ask about in depth, feel free to do so.

 

[Keif' Richards]

It takes hard word and dedication to get over the addiction part. You have to be cathartic, mindful and then honest with everyone, especially yourself. It's a long road and it rarely goes perfectly the first time, still, it's better than what you're going through now.

@Snafu in the Void made a lot of really great points. Perhaps most importantly, any "Adderall" Amphetamine Tablets that you purchase from black market sources are liable to contain Methamphetamine. I came up with this same idea 10 years ago when I was in college, but my principles prevented me from capitalizing (also a lack of a correct pill press and a connection for Meth in Massachusetts at that time... and I was selling Heroin, but that's all neither here nor there)..

I have a stimulant prescription that I take and I am in recovery. When I got the prescription, from day one I gave it to a family member and even a year later, they still hold my medicine for me. It takes the "if" out of the equation.

My advise to you would be yes, to go seek help in this situation. You'll likely go in-patient, perhaps in a psychiatric ward (they're really not so bad) or just in the emergency department. While you're there, you can make some phone calls to people who are out of your life. Tell them you're trying to do the right thing now and you need support. Try to find someone who can help you control your medication. Sometimes we just can't handle having this shit right at our fingertips. I haven't used Heroin for a while, but if some guy crawled out from under my bed right now with a syringe, I'd have a hard time saying no. A little distance between you and the supply can work wonders, at least it has for me.

 

[Rectify]

Up your Zyprexa dose. Limit Adderall use. Your symptoms sound more mental health related and less Adderall dependent to me.

 

[FallenKnife]

Thank you all so much for the responses, forreal. I'll answer the concerns about the meth stuff right now, so the guy I get extras from is also prescribed. He just doesn't need most of his monthly script. I pay him $8 for each 20mg IR. Not bad. They're authentic presses and I'm 100% sure of it. Seen the bottle, presses match perfectly w/ 20s I've had in the past. I take that kinda shit extremely seriously and have seen what fakes look and feel like. It's awful, not even comparable. Not fun.

These last few days i've been ramping up I've been doing 90-100mg each day, I'm not proud of it one bit-- and nobody in my family or anyone in my small friend group has said a word to me about it (example: I haven't heard a single "you're acting unusual bro" or some shit like that) which to me either means I do a very good job covering it up or my tolerance has shot tf up + perhaps my 2.5mg zyprexa at night is limiting some of the dopamine activity during the day. I truly only begin to feel my "high" moments after I've consumed bare minimum 80mg throughout the day. I like to think I space it out pretty well. Never more than 30mg at once, and then I wait a couple hours before dosing again. Even then I wouldn't call it a high. I feel increasingly sexual (like a lot) and I feel a kind of warmth throughout my body that feels nice and it compliments the stimulated headspace. It's also a calm and confident headspace.

My last dose of the day/night has been around 2am each night. 20mg to end the night. Sometimes another 10mg added on top at like 3am. I occasionally lose count during the day because I often just keep stacking 10mg after 10mg every hour, cuz I'll feel nothing. Not fuckin good, I know. But I simply lose control and cannot stop myself for the life of me. But yeah at night that's when everyone's asleep and I can be in my weird stimulated headspace doing typical weird stimmed out things. Lately for me it's been some form of exercise (small exercise room) with zero clothes on or just in some Everlast compressions. For some reason that does something for me in a weird sexual kind of way? I'm in shockingly good shape too. I've always struggled with gaining weight. Before the Zyprexa I was a scrawny 150 (I'm 6'1). Since starting it, I'm now 170 but really not much body fat at all. Prob cuz the adderall abuse and my exercise routine. Miracle I've even gained weight. My ass finally has some substance to it. That's never happened in my life lmao. Been lifting 2-3 times a week too at an actual gym. Decent muscle building. I need to take it more seriously, same w/ getting sober. Sauna. Eat good. Shower excessively. Shave almost obsessively (genitals). Like yeah my shit's bare down there I make sure to get every single hair, again prob obsessively. Also wow my fingers are cold as fuck as I type this. This is to be expected though with such dosing. I take COQ10 & Beets chews that are supposed to help with blood pressure and circulation. They definitely work to some degree because before them, I'd be unable to maintain an erection on these high doses. It's still tough, but I can make it happen. But wow it's fucking lonely I tell ya. Oh well I'm used to it. I snap a couple ex-mistresses to fill that void and it's cool cuz they're also down. Actual sex would be a lot better though.

Well I'm gonna hit that shower now and then exercises, idk why I do it in that order. Makes sense in my head. Oh yeah I almost fucking forgot, I bought a time-delay safe. For sole purpose of putting my adderall in it and only being able to access it when it unlocks. I need to hand it and the addy over to a trusted friend, either that or professional help like you guys are saying. God im so fucking stubborn I don't want to do either of those things... But I know I need to... Fuck. This is wild. I'm making it so complicated. Excuses excuses.. I'm also very very itchy after about 80mg.. My head and face. Maybe it's the oxcarbazepine? Idk this is all fucked

 

[FallenKnife]

Also I haven't taken my zyprexa in 48 hours, I feel fine for the most part. No psychotic symptom stuff, at least not yet.

 

[Keif' Richards]

Hey @FallenKnife I hope you're doing okay.

The antipsychotic is likely limiting many of the sought-after effects of the Amphetamine you're taking. That's just how that goes. If you take LSD, you'll have a blunted or non-existent trip; if you take MDMA, you're not gonna feel the love as much. I've never taken antipsychotics outside of Quetiapine (Seroquel) a handful of times to sleep. I don't know what all of the other antipsychotics feel like, though I know what Quetiapine feels like. I can only describe it as an anesthetic of the mind, body and emotions. I felt less happy, less sad, less color, less anger.

I'm not surprised that you're experiencing this, as I feel it's a typical reaction to antipsychotic medication.

I'm not being judgemental or patronizing dude. I would want someone else to tell me the same thing if I needed it:

You have to decide if you want to be in treatment or not. You cannot have your cake and eat it too. You and I both know this current path you're on does not end happily.If you decide fuck it, you want to get high, then stop taking the antipsychotic and have fun with your Amphetamines. If you want to participate in real life (some people don't, no judgement) then you need to get your medications back in order.

It's a lovely thought that you can decide to stop compulsively taking your medication, though in practice, this never, ever happens. I'm not necessarily saying you have to go in and tell your prescriber that you're fucked up, but you're gonna need to tell someone who can help you out, even if it's just temporary.

If you want to go the way of asking for help, we're definitely able to help you out with advice or even emotional support. If you decide you would rather just get high, I would stop torturing yourself by taking the antipsychotic with the Amphetamines.