Actually my phone didn't drop out

[colicolo]

plz critique

An insufficient dose of what you desire today
Complicated, You don't know what u like
without any hate you still don't care for me
Well now I just can't care either way

if i'm good enough its only for ur tears
you like it when you're pushed away
Addicted to cold rejection
Attracted to heartles snears

This save me echo is slowly growing old
Go on again and tell me so deeply true
if only I could meet a nice guy like you
If only you didn't desire the hot who leave you cold

You'll never find the perfect one
When you haven't found yourself
He doesn't make you who you are
It was you alone who came this far

Outside your legs does he really care
But you want him for the envyed status
until its over again nothing else matters
He's so special you have to share

I never really cared for chasing
It always costs my wealth
I'm a good listener
That effects my health

The sweetest ones turn bitter
The sharpest ones spike your drink
Its all a loud lie now
Of course he never meant to hit her

I'd rather finish last
Then arrive too early
Not someone you forget in the morning
Not a glimpse from your dark past

I have some pretty strange ideas
then if only u saw my dreams
I rarely sleep the night right through
But i'm over losing sleep on you

I don't want the girl for the victory
Save your dance for the internal war
Don't care for numbers in that history
I've had enough of this lonely floor

I'm not just here waiting for you to call
Ì can't care about you anymore
I give up
on understanding, On trying,
on pleasing you, on crying
I give up on you

 

[Amanita Mary]

wow, im so sorry. this poem is pretty intense, describes a bitter relationship. it seems like you fell for a girl who was used to guys treating her badly.. its a torcherous, powerful piece. "I don't want the girl for the victory
Save your dance for the internal war"... that's good stuff man

 

[(Wordy)]

Yeah, I have to say... it's a little hard to critique a piece that's so raw, so charged with emotion, so personal. I was definitely feeling it (I've been there too).

I really, really like the first stanza, especially the first two lines:

An insufficient dose of what you desire today
Complicated, You don't know what u like

They're left-field as opening lines, and throw the reader right into the thick of it, tracing the outline of the character who we get to know better as the poem progresses.

There are some scathing lines that really hit home, like this one:

Outside your legs does he really care

And I love the lines AM quoted too.

I can imagine this piece working as lyrics to a song, acoustic guitar, Elliot Smith-style (or similar). There's a really good blend of bite and heartfelt emotion which I think could be overwhelming (in a good way) if put to music.

 

[Strawberry_lovemuffin]

LOL... I love the title: "Actually my phone didn't drop out" !!

(subtext: I HUNG UP YOU CRAZY BIATCH!!! TAKE THAT ) Nice one.

I felt this too. It is hard to critique something this personal, as Wordy said. I tend to think poems like these are best left, to tell the truth, for they are cathartic and real and who cares if they could be made technically 'better'? You can lose some of the passion and guts of it that way, too.

ps. don't be bitter we're not all shallow

 

[tambourine-man]

The sweetest ones turn bitter
The sharpest ones spike your drink
Its all a loud lie now
Of course he never meant to hit her

I love these lines... although I can imagine that they're not your favourite. They pull absolutely no punches (pun not intended) and, I think, change my perception of the entire poem, the position of the author, and adds flavour to the final four stanzas that would otherwise have been 'merely' about loss.

It made me re-read the poem 3 times. Good stuff.