merajjj840
Bluelighter
Hello. To start off, its 5:34am where I am. If I am redundant, nonsensical, the time of me writing this may allude as to why. First, a little background, but I will try not to rant too much..
I have been using alcohol/drugs since I was 12. I am 22 now. Alcoholic 13-14.5yr. Got hooked to cocaine for a few months prior to 15yr. Conned my parents into buying me 222's on a trip to Canada (legal codeine) and since then (CWE) I realized that amphet/coke/alcohol/weed/all that shit, I didn't care about that anymore.
Opiates had me. Or I had opiates, either or.
I have been addicted to pills since I was 15. Tried H when I was 15. With no job, and not in the dealing game (yet), I wasn't able to do H often. Only when friends bought it/shared it. I became *truly* addicted to heroin at age 17. Fortunately never picked up the needle :D
Shockingly,
I have been pretty 'successful' in my life. Graduated HS, graduated with a BA in Psy, currently enrolled in a Masters program in... drum roll... Counseling lol. Former* drug addicts can make the best counselors though, right? In theory anyways. My 'success' in life is how I rationalize my pill/heroin addiction. *Not* trying to gloat.
The point of this post is I am at a fucking loss with what to do now. I have legit pain. Granted, it is only lateral epicondilitis (idc if spelled wrong, tennis elbow*) BUT I have had this problem for 3+ years. I also have horrific TMJ (grinding ones jaw) I'm a vegetarian, not because I am opposed to eating meat, but because I can't even fucking chew it. No, I don't drink caffeinated anything.
I have done **everything** the DRs have asked of me in regards to my arm pain prior to asking to get on opiates. I'm not even typing this, I speak and my computer types it for me. Don't text me, I'm not texting you back. I don't even hold the phone, speaker phone all the way. Doing dishes is hell. Brushing my teeth is laborious. Turning a key (ignition, apartment key) is like a punch in the balls. You get the idea, shit for real. I wish I was faking it. 8(
PT, OT, steroid injections, ionic electrophorisis, NSAID(s), NSAID topical, SSRNI, benzocaine/lido, nitrogylcerin etc. Everything. Nothing has helped except opiates.
Cept I abuse the fuck out of them and then I'm left sick, or copping H (cant even get pills anymore) - Financially/physically Idk how much longer this charade can go on.
My script of 90 10mg perc lasts 6-10 days. This time it was 9. That was me *trying* Please don't say "gain self control" I have attempted... many times... Easier said then done when you have pain/have had a habit for years.
**QUESTION**
What the fuck do I do now? Should I go on subs? Once I do this my pain will likely never be taken seriously again. I have used them before (non-scripted) and while they keep WD at bay, they do nothing for my pain. Is MMT the answer..? If I were to binge I could easily (and did, 5 days ago) .6g H (intranasal) & 170mg (oral) Oxy in a day. Would MMT be appropriate..? Dude, I'm just at a loss. I'm asking a message board and the sun isn't even up, clearly I'm at a dead end.
For those with ADD/ADHD, sorry to type so much. Thanks.
I have been going to OutPatient since September. It has helped me to a degree. Been to psychologists/psychiatrists since I was 13. Helped to a degree. Mental state kind of, fucked, but working on it.
Please dont recommend in-patient. That.. that just isn't an option right now.
I live alone in my studio. Nobody to "hold onto them" New to my uni, first yr MA, my new friends would... loose their minds if they knew. Not an option
I have been using alcohol/drugs since I was 12. I am 22 now. Alcoholic 13-14.5yr. Got hooked to cocaine for a few months prior to 15yr. Conned my parents into buying me 222's on a trip to Canada (legal codeine) and since then (CWE) I realized that amphet/coke/alcohol/weed/all that shit, I didn't care about that anymore.

I have been addicted to pills since I was 15. Tried H when I was 15. With no job, and not in the dealing game (yet), I wasn't able to do H often. Only when friends bought it/shared it. I became *truly* addicted to heroin at age 17. Fortunately never picked up the needle :D
Shockingly,

The point of this post is I am at a fucking loss with what to do now. I have legit pain. Granted, it is only lateral epicondilitis (idc if spelled wrong, tennis elbow*) BUT I have had this problem for 3+ years. I also have horrific TMJ (grinding ones jaw) I'm a vegetarian, not because I am opposed to eating meat, but because I can't even fucking chew it. No, I don't drink caffeinated anything.
I have done **everything** the DRs have asked of me in regards to my arm pain prior to asking to get on opiates. I'm not even typing this, I speak and my computer types it for me. Don't text me, I'm not texting you back. I don't even hold the phone, speaker phone all the way. Doing dishes is hell. Brushing my teeth is laborious. Turning a key (ignition, apartment key) is like a punch in the balls. You get the idea, shit for real. I wish I was faking it. 8(
PT, OT, steroid injections, ionic electrophorisis, NSAID(s), NSAID topical, SSRNI, benzocaine/lido, nitrogylcerin etc. Everything. Nothing has helped except opiates.
Cept I abuse the fuck out of them and then I'm left sick, or copping H (cant even get pills anymore) - Financially/physically Idk how much longer this charade can go on.
My script of 90 10mg perc lasts 6-10 days. This time it was 9. That was me *trying* Please don't say "gain self control" I have attempted... many times... Easier said then done when you have pain/have had a habit for years.
**QUESTION**
What the fuck do I do now? Should I go on subs? Once I do this my pain will likely never be taken seriously again. I have used them before (non-scripted) and while they keep WD at bay, they do nothing for my pain. Is MMT the answer..? If I were to binge I could easily (and did, 5 days ago) .6g H (intranasal) & 170mg (oral) Oxy in a day. Would MMT be appropriate..? Dude, I'm just at a loss. I'm asking a message board and the sun isn't even up, clearly I'm at a dead end.
For those with ADD/ADHD, sorry to type so much. Thanks.
I have been going to OutPatient since September. It has helped me to a degree. Been to psychologists/psychiatrists since I was 13. Helped to a degree. Mental state kind of, fucked, but working on it.
Please dont recommend in-patient. That.. that just isn't an option right now.
I live alone in my studio. Nobody to "hold onto them" New to my uni, first yr MA, my new friends would... loose their minds if they knew. Not an option
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