• The Dark Side 💕 Welcome Guest 💕
    Posting Rules Bluelight Rules
    Notable Threads Urgent Hotlines
    Bereavement Mindfulness
    Suicide Support Anger Management
  • TDS Moderators: AlphaMethylPhenyl | paranoid android

A friend of mine has confessed that he is contemplating suicide because of this forum

Rio Fantastic

Rio Fantastic

Bluelighter
Joined
Feb 19, 2009
Messages
1,727
Location
Birmingham
Hello,

Out of respect I think it's only right to disclose my friend's name if it becomes totally necessary, for now I shall call him Adam. All you need to know is that Adam has been an active member of this forum for three years and has got quite a high post count. He loves to help people, which is why he spends most of his time on here trying to be supportive & encouraging and answering questions and generally promoting harm-reduction as much as he can. Now Adam has been battling with clinical depression on and off since he was a young teenager, exasperated I suspect by his heavy drinking & cocaine use. He has now stopped drinking to excess but still uses cocaine on a semi-regular basis.

When I saw my friend yesterday, I instantly knew something was very wrong. I have never seen him look so miserable, and this aura of total despondency didn't even appear to be touched by the whiskey he was throwing down him or the huge lines of cocaine. I tried to cheer him up futilely and advised him to seriously lay off the substances until his head was a bit better, but he didn't listen to me.Half a gram of cocaine & five jack and coke's later, he finally starts to open up a little, but still doesn't seem happy. He told me that his main reason for living has been to help people on this forum, and that that is what gets him through every day, the knowledge that if he just gives up someone might OD or become hospitalized or addicted to drugs, and he thinks that his excessive post count is justified as even if he had to make 1000 posts a day, if he could genuinely help one person, then it would all be worth it.

Now this may seem silly or trivial, but he has told me that recently he's "noticed a trend" whereby everyone ignores his posts, and he hasn't been getting any replies. He hasn't posted about his problems but has posted general questions or discussion points and claims that they've been totally ignored as well. He feels like the one refuge & respite from the world on his shoulders - Bluelight - has turned into a cold, lonely place full of strangers who refuse to even acknowledge his existence. He told me Bluelight was his life, and without it he feels like there is no point in going on, and has been talking about ending it all. I've tried to calm him down and explain he's taking it too personally and it's just a coincidence but he won't take it.

So I've contacted his sister who has gone to stay with him to keep an eye on things, but past that I have no idea what to do. I want to help him, I really really do, but I feel like I'm powerless and impotent. Any suggestions or advice would be massively appreciated!
 
Can you PM me his ID please? I will talk to him. Not saying I can help but I will try. Know how it feels to get totally engrossed with this place. Been there n got the t-shirt. Bluelight hasn't gone cold tho. I'm sorry your friend feels ignored n I do understand the need to help others.

Evey
 
Its difficult to say how these things happen but its not on purpose. I think people enter into a forum knowing what they are going to do so I am done talking about myself and have moved onto a "helping others or replying" mind state as I think people who are in "post about myself mode" do just that and they will not comment on other peoples posts because that was not their intent.

I try to keep my stuff even in that I try not to run around talking about myself constantly but I would imagine, given how society is moving at least in the US, a lot of people come here to talk about themselves. Which is great the majority of original posts are just that but it takes a certain person to what to do the hard part of replying as sometimes its not easy at all.

I second Evey, if your friend wants to talk i want to listen. Please get him to PM us or post here, it can save a life
 
Sometimes in popular threads post get missed. Or they are read amd appreciated but no need to comment?

It is not healthy to be that obsessed with a website. Not at all.
 
Sometimes posts just get ignored, and it's nothing personal. Suggest to him that he start a thread here in the Darkside about how he's feeling. Does he have any friends or social contact IRL?

Becoming suicidal is It is not a normal reaction to something that happens online. Being temporarily bummed, mad, or annoyed is about as extreme as it should get unless there is a lot more going on. Look around in the Lounge or Current Events and see what I mean. There must be more to it right? Something is going wrong in his persoanl life. Take your friend out for a drink or something and get him to open up. Be open to the possibility of suggesting that he talk to a psychologist.
 
May be try to help others outside of BL, find a substitute? I think there are a few HR groups around, like Zendo project for example. If that's possible ofc.
 
Shit that really sucks, I'm sry your friend is going through this. Some people don't want to be helped sometimes, u know what I mean? Explain to ur friend that it's nothing personal. Some people are here because they use drugs but they may not want to quit or want a lecture about quitting. He might just need to pick his battle a little better. Without knowing about whom u are speaking of and reading his posts it's gonna be near impossible for any of us to really know what the problem is or if there's any problem with his posts at all. I'm much the same way as he is. I don't have real life friends, the only people I really speak with are on this forum. I know it seems sad but that's how it is for a lot of us with serious mental illness and substance abuse issues. Without knowing who were talking about I'd just say to keep plugging away and posting, no one here is ignoring him on purpose, I can guarantee that. For the most part everyone on bluelight is here to help people like ur friend. I really wish I could be of more help. I feel bad that maybe I may have skipped over his posts without acknowledging him. He should definitely chill with the booze, that shit is definitely not helping him with these issues he's having. Just keep posting and it'll turn around, that's really the only advice I can give him since it's hard to judge the situation without more info. He seems like a genuinely nice, helpful person, someone I wouldn't mind having as friend. I hope he feels better soon...
 
RedRum OG said:
Sometimes in popular threads post get missed. Or they are read amd appreciated but no need to comment?

It is not healthy to be that obsessed with a website. Not at all.
Click to expand...

this. i do feel for the guy tho.

he needs to work on his own blatant addiction problems, seek help for his mental health (both will go hand in hand if he uses a good local addiction service) and seek more meaning in his life outside of here.

if youre reading this dude/ette geel free to pm and chat as im working on some pretty nasty problems of my own and finally seeing a way out.

take care
 
I tried suicide in July over similar reasons, ended up on a drip for four days n almost died. Was in touch with a lot from this forum, offsite who gave me support n gradually got through it. My family are only just starting to speak to me again n almosr losr my daughter over it.

I know some of you mean well when you suggest getting other interests but in my view that needs to be a gradual process not just a case of him stopping posting here n getting hobbies etc. Life is complex n there's obviously a lot more going on here than just Bluelight.

But as Cliffy says a lot of us have mental health n or substance missuse issues. This place is really helpful. It's a good way to help others without the intimidation of being around people in real life, it's lije turning the phone on n there's a group of people everywhere you go without the intimidation, you can express yourself, give advice n help - these things help when you've low self-worth.

As I say I can only speak for myself n my own situations as obviously everyone else is different n subjective feelings n emotions obviously cannot be seen. I feel for this person which is why I posted.

Bluelighters are the most supportive, lovely, compassionate, caring n empathic people I know <3

Sending healing thoughts xxxxx

Evey
 
neversickanymore said:
I would sugest to him to address his substance abuse issues.

If he learns how to help himself then he can help others do the same.
Click to expand...

Seconded.

It also sounds like he has a computer addiction and lives in fantasy land. He should lay off the forums in all seriousness, it's not good to get so caught up emotionally in something so trivial through the internet.

Harsh, but that's my two cents.
 
It is good he try to help others, but in all seriousness half of this forum these days is more of a drug enabler then harm prevention. People talking about what they want legalized, what are they high on currently(glorifying) different ways of consuming narcotics etc....if he has coke and Alc issues he should stay off these forums until he is in a healthy state of mind. Helping others and focusing on others drug dependency will psychologically allow him to ignore his own addiction by maintaining focus on others issues first off. Secondly hearing how high others are on sometimes lists of narcotics will make him feel like he is doing less to himself then others because they are on more narcotics then himself. Truly participating in this site is majority of the time more of a bad influence unless you are mentally strong enough to float. My final is someone who is struggling with coke and alc, is not in a place to be helping others. They need to cut off of the Internet and utilize friends like you...in person. Real experiences and real help
 
You don't know what homis mental health is like though. Taking it away from him may do more harm than good. It has to be a gradual process. If he is someone that gets easily attached / obsessed / addicted which it sounds like, he may just attach himself to something else n attach harder due to this previous loss. Best to try n support him into adding more into his life gradually like maybe a few hours at a support group. Also there are the addictions to worry about. The tough love approach wont always work but make things worst in my opinion.

Evey
 
Last edited:
Not sure how would go about this but I think you need to communicate to him that investing emotionally in digital/social media is a negative sum game. No matter how many positive posts or dialogues you get going you are always separated by a screen.. you get a slight ego boost but the body/mind has not evolved to register it in the same way that direct physical contact or communication affects us. You will always come off disappointed in the end because the needs of the body/mind are not actually met.. you may think they are, but after awhile even when it's all positive you still come away lacking.

This is fine, so long as you understand that this is how it is.. and that digital/social media is not a substitute for the real world interactions. One physical hug or gesture from someone in the real world is infinitely more rewarding.

I would suggest he actually knows this deep down, and has set himself up for disappointment.. to justify more substance use or entertaining darker actions. Not intentionally I should add, but it's just how it can be. I've seen it with friends.. that a game or pattern is set up that takes months/years to play out, and you could see it coming, but they couldn't because they were wrapped up in life.


The most practical advice would be stop using substances, and get outdoors.. go walk or do anything to shift the mood.
 
If the forum is making him depressed, maybe he should work on helping people at a treatment facility instead as a volunteer or something. People in treatment are taking action about there addictive problems, so they are more likely to listen. (Even the ones that are forced to be there, as nobody wants to be in rehab per say but it is time to refelct about who you are and forgiving yourself and letting go of the past).
 
I think he is looking for a different connect with people that bluelight doesn't provide for him. You should recommend him going to NA or AA meeting in person, I go to a few, there are tons and everywhere. When I go to the NA meetings there are plenty of people there that have been clean for years or just a long time in general, I know they don't 'need' to be there to stay clean anymore, they are there to help others, their primary source and first hand experience is a lot more helpful than anything else I have had. These people I meet at the meetings are happy to keep going to help others, make friends, be there for some one as those tend to end up being there for them in other ways. I think it would really make him happy, he would definitely enjoy it, anyone can go, no sign ups or sign ins needed, You should go to one with him and just listen if you guy don't feel comfortable yet, if he doesn't like it that's fine, but at least try one meeting. I am almost certain he would thrive there.
 
There is a lot of good advice in here and I am going to recap for easy reading:

1) deal with his own addiction first and foremost

2) reach out to this community personally in a TDS thread. Let the community here give back in the way he has been giving to others.

3) put this site in perspective. All of us are valuable but none of us are indispensable.

4) get real life support as well as any support from BL. This could be meetings, therapy or a combination of both.

5) volunteer in some capacity IRL where there is a social element as well as the rewards of doing something for someone else.

6) work on self-acceptance and self-love. Every single one of us is a worthy person, capable of small and great miracles when we can get out of the traps of self-loathing.

OP, if you are reading this, I encourage you to PM any and all of those who have reached out to you (and I'm putting myself on that list;)). Despair can really tweak your perceptions and sometimes you just need a little help from outside to regain your balance. Lots of folks with big open hearts are all around you willing to lend a hand. Sometimes those of us that are " natural helpers" in life have a hard time switching positions but it is good for us on two levels: one it is humbling to admit we also need help and 2) it increases our own self-acceptance to understand the fullness of our own needs. Most people find it easier to give a gift than to accept a gift so it is a good thing to work on that.<3
 
I've definitely walked away from BL angry or with the feeling I'm being ignored. It's my issue though, not the boards.

From a distant viewpoint it sounds like he's trying to fill a void in his life. He used BL for a while where it has become a big part of his life. Since it's become so important any negative feelings regarding his perception of his online identity are going to hurt a lot more than a casual poster. If it wasn't BL it was going to be something else that was filling that void. I don't really have any suggestions, but it sounds like some real world contact would help. I would imagine volunteering or working at any number of different recovery/therapy places may be real helpful for him and the people he could be helping. This way he could see real actual progress. It's much more rewarding helping someone face to face.
 
Eh, I feel like all my posts don't get enough attention. Tell him that maybe even thou people aren't posting a response to him, there are people out there reading and learning from it, or appreciating what he is saying. Aren't there more lurkers at any given time than members reading a thread?
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Top